The Do

It is all go here at home this week

My Mother is retiring 

So we are having a do for her tomorrow week

I say Do

But it's more like a meal with the whole family

There will be many people staying here that night 

So we are trying to arrange over ten people in to five bedrooms 

We also need to clean the house from top to bottom

Designate beds and bedding

I will be out of my room for one night 

And will be on the couch

I don't mind though

As long as I have a tv and my dogs 

I'm good 

I have to admit though

I am anxious about the whole thing

My sister and I are organising it all

So the pressure is on 

And there is so much change happening

I don't do well with change at all

I'm kind of wishing that it was all over

But

As experience has shown

It's the run up to an event that is the most stressful thing

Usually the event itself is fine

I just have to remember that 

I guess I find it hard to manage anxiety

Of course I used to manage it with drink and drugs 

Then over eating or not eating at all

Now  dealing with life on life's terms

It's unpredictable 

It's unsettling

It can be unmanageable 

It can be overwhelming 

I am just so grateful to have my sister here

She is an amazing support

It's hard to believe that she was gone for a whole 12 years

Now that she is back 

It takes some of the pressure off me 

There will also be a lot of change at home come next month

As you know 

My mother used to work away during the week

So starting September she will be here all the time

That will take some getting used to

For all of us

It's funny

My Mum is coming to the end of her working life

And in a lot of ways I am just starting mine

The course is on my mind a lot

I have accepted the place

But I have the worry that my disability will be stopped

And I don't know if I am willing to risk that

I know that at some point 

I am going to have to take a leap of faith

And jump without knowing if my parachute will open

I'm just afraid that I will hit the ground with a bang 

I'm kind of trying not think about it at the moment 

I feel like I am writing about my ED and addiction less and less 

And I guess that's a good thing

My ED has gone from being the sole focus of my life

To fading away in to the background 

It's crazy the changes they have happened 

I am strong now

Yesterday I carried a whole cupboard up our staircase 

My arms are strong from swimming

I feel capable and able

I remember 18 months ago 

I couldn't carry a bag of shopping 

Let alone a piece of furniture 

I'm excited for the future now

Before

I couldnt see beyond the end of the day

I went to bed not knowing if I would wake up

And a huge part of me hoped that I wouldn't 

Living was such an effort

Such hard work

I had a heavy feeling all the time

A sense of impending doom

I describe it as having a passive death wish

I wasn't actively trying to kill myself 

But I welcomed it all the same

I was in limbo

Somewhere between life and death 

It's a horrific place to be

As you know

I am in the process of writing my story for a magazine article

I wrote a rough draft yesterday

Fitting my story in to 2000 words is proving tricky

At first I worried that I wouldn't have enough to fill the brief

But now I have the opposite problem 

I'm feeling the pressure though

I want it to be just right 

Perfect

And as ever 

I am my own worst critic

So what I've decided to do 

Is take the piece Lather, rinse, repeat

And embellish it

I think that particular piece tells my story in a nut shell

And I can expand on it as I see fit

It's all very exciting though

I love the opportunities that this blog has given me

It has opened up so many doors for me 

It just goes to show

That if you put yourself out there

Wonderful things can happen

My friend commented yesterday 

That I am 'so strong'

I've never thought of myself as strong

I didn't want to be strong 

I wanted to be small and petite

Delicate and dainty 

I thought that was what beautiful was

But now I am starting to see that beauty comes in many forms 

It comes from self awareness

Confidence 

Body strength

A good heart

A loving and caring temprement 

It comes from being a good person 

It comes from taking care of yourself 

From taking the time out for yourself 

I used to think that beauty came from physical beauty alone

I thought it came from sharp edges and pointy bones 

From collar bones and hip bones

From clothes that were too big

From twig like arms and legs 

A thigh gap and cheek bones

The smaller the better

The thinner the better 

No matter what the cost 

My body has changed a lot over the last year

I've gone from having the body of a male child

To that of a woman 

It's happened over time 

At first I hated it 

Hated the soft curves 

The contours of my body

Shapely legs 

Boobs and a bum

A little tummy 

All my bones were not engulfed in flesh 

But 

Slowly but surely

My body is growing on me

Literally 

I look at my legs 

Once stick like and frail

And now they are curvy and strong

Same as my arms 

My clothes now define a shape in clothes 

I look at super thin models now

And am more attracted to the plus size models 

For the first time in my entire life

I am favouring health and well being 

Over thinness and beauty

Strong is beautiful

Bring in good health is beautiful

Looking after yourself and your body is beautiful

A healthy glow is beautiful 

Thin is also beautiful 

If the person is well and healthy 

The pressure us girls are under to conform to society's image of beauty is enormous

I feel it every day 

But I refuse to kill myself in the name of beauty 

I won't bow to this pressure any more

Health wise

I am the best that I have been in a long time

Both my physical and mental health are pretty good

And I thank God, the universe and my lucky stars for that

Today

I just want you to know 

That no matter how low you go

No matter how far down the wrong path you go

There is a way back 

There is a second chance 

And a third

Fourth

Fifth...

It's never to late 

To make a fresh start

A new beginning 

It's never to late to turn things around 

The body and the mind are amazing 

They recover

Reboot 

Rejuvenate 

Reset 

They can be pushed to breaking point

And still bounce back

I know that when we are in the midst of our illness

That life seems pointless 

Happiness is a distant memory

Peace of mind is a dream you once had

Recovery seems nigh on impossible 

But I want you to know that it is

It is possible for you

You just have to take that leap of faith 

I promise you 

It is worth it 

My quality of life has improved so much

I have a life now  

And it continues to get better and better 

So if you  are feeling low today

If you are struggling to find a reason to go  on

Just remember that right now

Right this second 

Someone you have never met 

In a country far far away

Is thinking of you 

And sending you all the courage and love that I can muster

I believe in you

I have faith in you

And I live you

Please don't ever forget that