Constant Craving

I've been up since 6am

As my mother was catching an early morning flight to London

My sister is also away for a few days this weekend 

So I will be home alone

If we can at all help it

We try and not have me here alone for any prolonged period of time

I know it sounds silly

I mean I'm a 34 year old woman

And it's not that I have trouble looking after myself or the house 

It's the fact that when I am on my own

My mind tends to wander

And I could very easily get myself in to trouble

Like now

Knowing that I will be here alone 

My mind goes to dark places

And my mischievous side comes out 

I think about the things I could get up to

I could smoke 

Drink

Get out of my face on various substances 

Sometimes I get such a craving 

To get out of my mind

Off my head 

To check off the planet 

And completely zone out

To go on the nod

Slipping in and out of consciousness

I know that cravings are part and parcel of recovery 

Anyone who has a tendency for escapism deals with them

Usually I get a craving after experiencing a trigger

A song 

A smell

An item 

It could be anything 

Euphoric recall I think they call it

For instance at my mothers retirement do

Being in a bar

The stress of the speech 

Feeling a bit self conscious 

All added up to my having a drink

I've been told by countless therapists that I can't drink

But I don't think I fully accept that

I want to be able to drink 

I want to have a glass of wine with dinner 

A bottle of beer at night

But the thing is 

Even though alcohol was not my primary addiction

I still have the perpensity to spin out of control

Yes 

I might have been ok one night

And only had two drinks 

But that was only because I was on my best behaviour 

I know I could take a notion

Buy a bottle of vodka

And drink it all at home 

I know if I allow myself one drink

One is too many 

And a thousand never enough 

Smoking is a funny one

As you know 

I was a dedicated smoker

A 30 a day girl

I loved nothing more than a cup of tea and a smoke 

I did my best thinking over a cigarette

But 

I just couldn't afford them anymore 

They had to go 

I can't lie 

I do miss them 

But I don't get huge cravings for one

I could go a whole day without even thinking of one 

It's like that part of my brain has been reprogrammed 

I've iften heard it said that cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin 

Well I can categorically tell you that that is utter horse shit

Heroin was by far more difficult to give up

I never stole to get money for smokes

I never tore a room apart looking for a bag of gear

I didn't go in to severe physical withdrawal when I stopped smoking 

My body didn't crave a smoke like it craved heroin

Oh no 

Smoking was no near as difficult to give up

I get strange urges from time to time 

Like when I am walking the cliff walk with the dogs 

I get a massive urge to jump

And sometimes I'm afraid that I really will do it 

I've been in my car

And put my foot down on the accelerator 

Daring myself to drive in to the nearest wall

Or go so far that the car spins out of control

I've had urged to break my fingers and toes 

To put a hot iron on my skin

To throw myself from the top of the stairs 

Or walk out bin front of a car

The other day I had a huge urge to delete my blog 

And stop writing altogether

I though that I was just writing drivel 

That I was a bad person

And hurt people

And always said/wrote the wrong thing 

I feel like I'm always putting my foot in it 

And here in our little corner of blogger 

A lot of people here are fragile

And I need to remember that 

I go back to the original title of this blog

And then she disappeared

Even though I have since changed it to and then she recovered

The original title still holds meaning for me

I still get huge urged to disappear 

From my blog

From the Internet 

From my life 

From this earth

I'm not sure why 

I just don't always feel like I want to be here 

At this point 

I must say 

Please don't worry about me writing this 

I am perfectly fine 

Just feeling a little maudlin and sad today

And that's ok

I had an amazing day yesterday 

And I think I am on a bit of a come down today 

I'm not going to do anything silly 

I'm not feeling suicidal 

Or anything like it

These feelings and thoughts are normal for me 

I deal with them all the time

I gues sometimes I question myself and my life

And even this blog

I question why I am writing 

Is it for me?

For my own ego?

Is it to help others?

Or maybe both?

All I know is that I love writing this blog 

And I love you my fellow bloggers

This blog has been there for me in my darkest hour 

And also to celebrate my recovery 

I feel drawn to it

I feel compelled to write

Even if no one was reading 

I think I would still write 

Because it helps me

It warms my heart

And lightens my burden

And fills my soul 

It's an amazing thing 

To have a head full of noise

To sit down and write and write 

And come to the end

And my mind is quiet

There are very few things that have that effect on me 

And writing is definitely one of them 

I am so grateful to have this blog 

And you as my dear friends

It's no exaggeration to say that my online social life is more active than my real life social life 

We something special here on blogger

In something as isolating as an ED

We have found friendship and solace in each other 

We have found acceptance and unconditional love 

Understanding and valuable advice 

I know a lot of people think that these kind of blogs are not healthy

Or helpful at all 

Maybe that's because we accept someone's choice if they choose not to recover

You know when I first embarked on recovery

I worried that I wouldn't have a place in this community anymore 

I was even warned by others that I would be rejected by people here 

But I have in fact found the opposite 

My choices and decision have been accepted

And even celebrated 

And I am eternally grateful for that 

I'm writing this blog now over three years 

I often go back an read old posts 

It's amazing to have almost every day documented 

And I also notice all the bloggers who have disappeared over the years 

Do you remember Rayya?

The Lively Bones

Emily

Winter 

Peridot 

Thinderella who vanished off the face of the earth 

And more recently 

Mandy 

(R)oxyskinny

I think of these girls often 

We were part of the fabric of each other's lives 

I wonder what happened to them 

Did they recover?

Did they find that they didn't need this community anymore? 

Did they go in to hospital/treatment?

Did they die?

I wish I knew 

As they all had a special place in my heart 

I have it set up that if something happened to me 

Then my sister or Mother can log in to my blogger account 

And let you all know 

As much as I would like to disappear sometimes 

I would hate to leave you all wondering what happened to me 

I cherish our community 

And hope to preserve it 

Hope to welcome in new bloggers 

And continue to support the regulars 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you know what happened to any of these bloggers? 

How do you feel about our community at the moment?

Do you feel our community helps one another?

Do you have any new blogs you would like to share?

Is love to know...