Dealing with comments

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery

Right from very early recovery

Is dealing with comments about your weight/shape or appearance from others 

And sometimes 

We might not even be in recovery when we get these comments

And that makes it even more difficult

I can only speak for myself 

But from talking to others 

And reading your blogs

It seems it's a universal problem for us ED girls

I've been dealing with these comments for years

As my weight yo-yoed up and down 

I can remember being devastated after someone told me I looked well

Or had a complete meltdown after a comment about how I looked

I can remember about this time last year

Someone commented that I had 'filled out'

I had to take some really deep breathes after that one

 Other comments range from

'You look really well'

'You look great'

'You've really improved'

'You have gained weight'

And on and on

The thing is 

That I know that people want to acknowledge that we are in a better place

They want to acknowledge that we look better

But the thing is

We might not be in a better place

We might have gained weight because we are binge eating

We might be still purging 

And even if we are in recovery 

It's dodgy territory

As I know up until recently 

When someone told me that I looked well

I immediately equated that in my head to

'You've gained weight'

The words no self respecting anorectic or bulimic ever wants to hear

Hearing those words when you are in a fragile state of mind 

Can really upset us

And send us straight back in to arms of our ED

In my family 

My Mother warned everyone years ago

Not to comment on my weight or appearance

So my family is well trained 

Instead they would compliment my hair

Or my outfit

Or make up

Which is much easier to take

For us ED girls

Weight is a very private

Very personal matter

We don't appreciate comments about the one thing we hang our self worth on

We take such comments to heart

Although I know people don't understand  how destructive these comments can be 

Mary was a great example

Over the years that I saw her

She never once commented on my weight or appearance

And I remember her telling me that she never comments on anyone's weight

Whether they have an ED or not

I like that philosophy 

Because you just never know how someone is going to take such a comment

My neighbour called over a couple of days ago

A man in his fifties I would say 

He asked about my health

I said I was in good form 

He said that I was looking 'exceptionally well'

This could have been cause for a complete meltdown 

But I was able to rationalise it in my head

These people were used to looking at me  very underweight

And now I look different

I look healthy 

Well 

My hair is thick and shiny

My skin has a glow

My teeth have been improved beyond recognition

I now take a bit of time and care with my appearance 

So I guess it's a combination of all these things 

Not just my weight

As well as weight

Recovery changes a lot more about us

I look back at photos of me when I was ill

I have a haunted look about me

Dead in the eyes 

Pale

Gaunt

Now that I am feeding myself 

And looking after myself better

There is a light back in my eyes 

It's like I've been switched on

When I was switched off for so long 

Another reason why I don't like to focus on weight

Is the whole fat and skinny shaming thing

If you are in the UK

You have probably heard about all the flack that Cheryl Cole is getting over her weight

People are saying that she is too skinny

And she is really being harassed 

Cheryl has hit back

Saying that she has been under a lot of stress lately

And also that it's not ok to skinny shame someone

That it's just as bad as fat shaming someone 

I agree with Cheryl 

Focusing and commenting on someone's weight is never a good thing

I'm sure you've all seen the celebrity magazines 

Where they discuss who has lost or gained weight 

The photos of people who have lost weight

Or those who have gained weight

Or have cellulite 

Or an extra bit of fat

It's outrageous that these magazines can do this 

And get away with it

Shaming someone's body is how eating disorders are born and reinforced 

At the moment 

I have made a kind of peace with the comments that I get about my weight and appearance 

I can now say thank you for the compliment 

And don't file it away in my brain

To take out and berate myself with later on

I think part of the reason that I am playing around with my look at the moment 

Is that I don't want to define myself by my weight anymore

I don't want to be known as the 'underweight girl'

Or the 'sick one'

I don't even want to be known as the 'girl in recovery'

I don't want to be defined by anything that pertains to my weight 

I am now the girl who is living her life in the best way that she knows how

I am the girl who likes to look a bit different 

The girl who is a MaMa to two beautiful dogs 

The girl who fights every single day to be a better person than the day before 

The girl who despite what her body looks like

Is a good person

I don't want my weight to be tied to my self worth and my self esteem any more

Because for so long I measured my worth in pounds and ounces 

I starved 

Binged 

And purged my way through my twenties 

I am determined that my thirties won't be like that 

Recovery can not happen without weight restoration 

If we want to get well

We have to accept the fact that part of getting well is regaining weight to a healthy range

For me 

My weight re-gain was quite traumatic 

As it happened incredibly quickly

Faster than my mind could make sense of it

Before I knew it 

I was a healthy weight 

In an ideal world

I would have gained it slowly and steadily 

But like a lot of things in my life

It happened almost in spite of myself

Right now

My weight is one of the highest numbers I have ever seen 

But for some reason

I am ok with that 

I'm ok with being healthy 

Because the pros of it out weigh the cons by a hell of a lot

With a healthy body comes a healthy mind 

A clear mind 

I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity for a low weight any more

I can remember being in treatment 

Obviously I was encouraged by staff and my family to gain weight

At a rate of 1kg a week

But I just couldn't get my head around this 

Weight gain was a fate worse than death in my mind 

I just couldn't do it

Couldn't even consider it 

But now

Now than I have come out the other side 

I have to tell you that it's one of the best things I have ever done 

I swear I didn't realise how shitty I felt until I started to feel better 

I had become so used to feeling awful

That it had become normal

Now I know what it feels like to truly feel good

  I can only hope that my experience will go some way to helping others

To helping you my beautiful blogging friends

It's all very well your doctor 

Or your family telling you that weight restoration is essential

But when someone who has been there tells you 

It holds more weight I think

Because that person has been there

Experienced it

And lived it

As I have often said 

As quickly as things can go belly up

They can also turn around just as quickly 

In AA they say that if you follow the programme 

You will be amazed before you are halfway through 

That you will know a new kind of peace 

As well as the 12 steps 

There are also 12 promises 

Things that are guaranteed to happen if you stay clean and sober 

And work the programme 

Things like 

You will now know how to handle situations that used to baffle you 

For me 

Recovery has enriched my life beyond words

My life has changed beyond recognition 

And I am eternally grateful for that 

I just want youth know that it is possible for you too 

It's right there 

You just have to reach out and grab it

In the rooms 

They say that the first times you embark on recovery it is a gift

The second time you work for it

For me

This has been true 

But no matter how many times I slipped or relapsed 

My recovery was always there 

It will always  be there 

Always

Please remember that it is never too late

Never 

You can do this 

Heck if I can get well 

Then anyone can 

And you deserve it

God knows we have suffered enough

And if you don't believe in yourself 

Let us believe in you until you do

Your life is too precious to waste on this cruel illness 

You are worth much much more 

I promise you that