Monday, 28 September 2015

The scales are following me....

We were in our hotel room the other night
After a long day of walking around the city
Our room is small for three people 
There is a double bed
For my sister and mother
And a kind of loft bed for me
Up a little ladder
Even though the room is small
It is perfectly formed 
And they have made the best use of the space
There is plenty of storage
And that what we were looking at the other night
Opening all of the drawers and cupboards 
Having a good ol' mooch
When my sister shouted 
'Look at this'
She pulled what she had found from the drawer
And set it on the ground
Yes, you've guessed it
The dreaded scales
Cue menacing music
Don don doooooon.....

God dammit
Even on my bloody holidays
I can't get away from the scales
My sister stood on it first
And let out a shriek as she registered the number
I won't tell you what it was
As she might read this
And could possibly kill me
Even though I really wanted to stand on n it too
I resisted 
But just knowing it was there
Was driving me to distraction
I tried to forget about it
I really did 
But after having a shower that night
I pulled the scales out 
Tapped it to set it 
And gingerly stood on it
The flashed
It was in kilos
I registered the number
And stood off
I gave myself a minute to gauge my reaction
Waiting for onslaught of self hatred and misery
I haven't weighed myself in about 6 weeks
The number was high
There was no doubt about that
It was a number a was not comfortable with
But to my surprise
I stayed calm and relaxed
The number didn't effect me in the way that I thought it would
There have been times in the past
When I weighed myself 
And curled up in a ball
And weeping
There have been times when I saw the number
And literally had a physical reaction to it
But today?
Today I felt

This morning 
My mother and I went to the pharmacy
To pick up a couple of things
We were just waiting for the pharmacist 
When out of the corner of my eye
I saw another set of scales 
They are everywhere!
And they are out to get me!
I ventured closer to it
And wondered if anyone would protest if I stripped there and then
And stood on it 
I figured they would 
So instead
I stood on it fully clothed
Something I hate doing
I registered the number
The same as the scales in our room 
And again
Felt nothing 

This is a new revelation
And one I'm not entirely comfortable with
Because it's different
It's new 
It's change
And as well all know 
ED girls do not do very well with change 

My body image is not great however
Taking photos here has been a bit of an ordeal
Eight out of ten times
I look at a photo 
And absolutely hate it
And take it again
Until I am happy 
Or at least semi happy with it
Take yesterday 
I know I posted quite a few photos
But they were the best of a bad lot
There were so many others taken that I just couldn't beat to post
Because my face looked fat
Or my arms looked fat
Or my toes looked fat
Or something looked fat
There were photos of me with horses
Photos of me beside the pond
Many photos of me with my family 
That I just could not post
Which is sad really
But I think most people want to present the best image of themself to the world
And I am no different 
The ones I posted yesterday
Just barely made it on to my blog
I still can't look at them
I just post them 
And forget about them

Apologies for not replying to comments while I am away
Normal service will resume when I return at the weekend 
Also I need to catch up on your blogs
So I will also do that when I get home
I hope you are all doing ok
I know our community spans the whole of the ED spectrum
Some of us are still struggling
Some of us are embarking on recovery
Some of us are somewhere in between 
Some of us are anorexic
Or a mixture of all three
We are all struggling one way or another 
All fighting for a better life
For a brighter future
And we will get there
I have so much faith in every one you
I truly do
So please 
Today be kind to you
Be gentle to you
Because you are an important and valuable person 
To your family 
Your friends 
Your blogger family here
To us and them
You are precious
Don't ever forget that 


  1. what do you think Mary would say? x.

    1. HAh! Mary actually LIKES her to weigh!! (:/)

  2. For those of us who are fighting this battle virtually alone your words of encouragement are so valuable. Thank you.

  3. 'Don don DOOOOOON'……-!!! D:D:

    [Here, @ least it wasn't 'don don "DOOOOM"!']

    Glad you're fairly indifferent to weighing now, that's BRILLIANT, girl-!! (This said, I'd YAS advise going w\your gut instinct of NOT weighing).

    NOW we just gotta get these daft ideology outta your head which says you picture poorly!! :( I happen to think you look v NICE, Rubly[-!!] & it's not just 'filler' words, but TRUTH

    Thanks for being such an inspiration to all that kno you… ^ ^

    ((huggles)); Jils
    PS: *Yet-And-Still

  4. Eek! Damn. I've thought about taking my scales on holidays with me, though thankfully I'm yet to encounter any by surprise.

    I think your reaction (or lack of) is a really good sign. It's progress, as much as you mightn't be comfortable with it. Obviously *not* jumping on the scales would probably be a safer option, but wow, your indifference speaks volumes!

    It's good to know I'm not the only one who takes 100 photos and deletes 98, lol :P

    Take care my dear <3

    1. Ay-! You're just Too Cute, Bells-!! :D

      Thinkg of you-! <3 Jils

  5. If we don't care about our weight anymore we will be able to fill that void with - hopefully - "grown up"
    things x


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