Peter Pan Syndrome

I was on the phone to the dog shelter last week

We were in the middle of a conversation

When the lady asked my what age I was

I told her

She began to laugh and said that I sounded like a teenager

I get this a lot 

Told that I sound a lot younger

And even look a lot younger

I know when I was very underweight 

I looked quite strange

I had this childlike body

With the face of a withered old woman 

But as I have become well

And regained weight 

My face has filled out 

As well as the rest of me

And I guess I do look a bit younger than my 34 years

I remember when I was a teenager 

I was in such a hurry to grow up

I did everything young 

My first disco

My first cigarette

My first drink 

My first boyfriend 

All before I was 15

Now that I am an adult

I wish that I had allowed myself to grow up slower

That I had taken the time to enjoy my childhood and teenage years

I look at my nephew

He has just turned 15 

And this week went to his first disco

To me he seems so innocent

I can not imagine him smoking or drinking 

And he seems to have no interest in these things 

Which I am so glad about

Because there is a chance

Like the four members of my own family

That he might inherit that addiction gene

So far he shows no sign of it 

But I know that can all change in a heartbeat

I guess my life thus far has been rocky

I began smoking and drinking at 14

Had my first proper boyfriend at 14

Began taking drugs at 15

And the next 15 years were a Wright off

My twenties

The years when you discover who you are and what you are about 

Didn't happen that way for me

So I guess now in my thirties 

I am living my twenties 

If that makes sense 

Mentally 

I am 24 years old 

Barely an adult 

I guess I dress young too 

In my jeans and trainers and hoodies

But I'm ok with that 

I am still growing up

Finding out who I am 

My views and opinions

My dress sense 

My way of coping 

Of dealing with life

They say that youth is wasted on the young

I agree 

I didn't appreciate my youth 

My childhood 

My teenage years 

I was so busy trying to be an adult 

So busy wanting to grow up

I got my first full time job when I left school

I was doing well

But it wasn't long before my drug use began to spin out of control

The next 14 years were chaotic to say the least 

There were a few years during that time

That I don't know how my family got through

My mum and I were speaking about this just yesterday 

There was a time when four out of six of us were in active addiction

It was crazy 

So many shocking things happened 

Addiction rips families apart

As it did mine 

It's only years later 

And with the four of us in recovery

That our lives have begun to heal

They also say that the age you are when you start using/drinking/starving/purging is the age you stay until you stop

I was 14 when my problems started 

And that makes sense to me 

That I am still a teenager

A young adult 

Mentally

And physically 

I think our eating disorders 

Are also something thdt keeps us from growing up

There is something very child like about EDs

Anorexia is sometimes a protest to growing up

Bulimia is the inability to control ones self

Again 

Like a child 

I know I have resisted growing up once I reached adulthood 

Being an adult

And everything that goes with it

Scared the bejesus out of me

I worried and stressed that I wouldn't be able to cope

Wouldn't be able for the responsibility 

It just all seemed like too much 

I struggled to deal with reality 

Struggled with substances that allowed me to escape from that reality

I struggling with impulse control

Which has bothered me a lot over the years

Like a child 

There is no no for me

I see something and I want it right now 

There is no control

None at all

Its only now

At the age of 34

That I am getting my life together 

That I am starting to grow up

I know I have a lot of work to do

I have taken the first step 

But there are still many miles to go 

And maybe it's actually a nice thing that I don't look my age 

Maybe it will stand to me in years to come 

I've seen over the last couple of weeks

The areas I need to work on

I want to be a responsible adult 

I want to act my age 

Sometimes it bothers me 

That at my age I am still living with a parent 

But then I remember that I am not living with my parents

I am sharing a house with my mum and sister 

I have the freedom to do as I please

And I get on with my mum very well

It would be crazy for me to try and maintain a house by myself 

It makes more sense for me to live here

And I like living here 

I feel safe 

I feel loved

Honey and Lea love it here

They are happy here 

Our house is home 

It's where we all meet for tea

For dinner

To play games 

To celebrate holidays and birthdays 

It's the centre of our family 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you resisted growing up like me?

Do you think that your ED has anything to do with not wanting to grow up?

What age do you feel?

And what age are you?

Do you like being the age you are?

Inquiring minds want to know.....