'Damn Unpretty'

I'm in the mood to complain 

So please bear with me 

 I'm  struggling a lot at the moment

With my appearance 

My weight

My shape 

My face 

My hair 

Everything

I just feel really ugly 

Fat

Monstrous 

Gigantic 

I feel like I have no redeeming features at the moment

My face is pale and puffy

My hair is grey, limp and lifeless

My scalp has been attacked by a bout of psoriasis 

Meaning it looks like it's snowing from my head

And the medication for it makes my hair horribly greasy 

I've stopped tanning

So my colour is rapidly fading 

So all in all

I feel like a big fat heffalump

Trying to find something to wear of a morning

Is becoming increasingly difficult and stressful

I try on item after item

And I feel like it just doesn't suit me

Doesn't fit me properly 

Or it makes me look fat

I just can't seem to win these days

I know looks aren't everything

I know that what counts is on the inside 

But when you feel so ugly

That Is of little consulation 

I accepted a long time ago

That I would never be one of the beautiful ones

At my best 

In good lighting 

And with a good dollop of make up

I am something approaching pretty

In a kind of girl next door kind of way

But beautiful?

No 

That was never me 

And I've accepted that I never will be 

And that's ok

It just means I've had to develop a personality 

And often that can take you further than beauty 

I am not 

And have never been a girly girl

I've always been something of a Tomboy

I didn't play with dolls growing up

I didn't covet pretty dresses 

I preferred to play in the fields around our house 

Yes, I did ballet

But our teacher was never conventional 

And we did all sorts of dancing 

Not just your  tu-tu type of dancing 

I've also always been slim

Being a competitive swimmer and dancer 

I was always pin thin

Even though at the time I thought my thighs were huge

I look back on photos 

And I see I was wonderfully petite 

It's a pity I couldn't enjoy it at the time 

I can remember when I gave up dancing 

I had heard that when you stopped dancing 

Your muscles turned to fat 

And was even told it had happened to a certain girl 

I was terrified 

And it was part of the reason I started smoking 

To control my weight 

Thinking back

I can see that I was weight and shape conscious from an early age 

Being in ballet attire 

And a swimming suit a lot of the time

My body was on show

And I was very aware of that 

I can remember my ballet teacher told me once 

That I was becoming too thin

And losing too much weight 

I can remember being secretly pleased 

Of course I didn't really need to worry about my weight when I was so active 

I trained before school

After school 

Then ballet 

The gym 

Running 

I was always on the go 

But even when I gave up all the activity 

I still remained slim

It wasn't until I left home 

That I put on a few pounds 

But no where near over weight 

I remember I was eating a breakfast roll for lunch 

And pasta for dinner everyday 

With no exercise 

So I did become a little round and rotund 

But again 

I lost it as quickly as I put it on

Then came the drug years 

I literally ate nothing at this time 

And the weight fell off me 

I really looked like a typical drug addict 

Under weight 

Pale 

Huge black eyes 

Sunken cheeks 

And a haunted look on my face 

At the time 

I had no idea that I was so thin

But I do remember that not eating made me feel good

So in reality 

I think my ED started probably a lot sooner than the age I thought it did

I always say that it started when I was 19

But if I am honest 

It started a lot earlier than that

At least the thinking and the behaviours did 

My teenage years laid the ground work for a very serious ED

Since the age of 19

My weight has fluctuated wildly

Even to this day 

My weight changes on a daily basis 

Over the years 

My BMI has gone from 13 to 23 

And back again 

Over and over 

I have no idea what my weight is now

As I just can't bring myself to weigh

I did lose some weight on holidays 

But it seems that I have quickly put it back on

And then some 

I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment 

I'm constantly changing and adjusting my clothes 

And buying new clothes

In an attempt to make myself feel better

But of course 

That is just another addiction

An item of clothing can't mend the way I am feeling 

I know I need to work from the inside out

I need to like 

And love myself as a person

Before I like the outside 

I'm doing my best to be a good person 

To do the right thing

And to be the best person I can be 

But it's hard to feel good  when you can't look at yourself in the mirror without cringing 

And feeling so horribly grotesque 

I compare aswell

I look at other girls 

They seem so together 

So confident and cool

And I just feel like a bumbling, awkward 34 year old 

Who neither feels or looks her age 

I still feel like a gangly teenager

Who has not quite grown in to their face or body 

I can't remember the last time I felt pretty  

I know it was a long time ago 

I've looked back over the photos of Turkey

And I've had to delete so so many 

And leave the ones that I can just about tolerate 

I'm tired of hating myself 

I just don't have the energy anymore

I'm not asking for much 

I don't want to be a supermodel 

Or skinny 

I just want to feel ok to be me 

I want to be able to put on an outfit in the morning 

Look in the mirror 

And feel content with what I see

I don't want to try on every item in my wardrobe 

And still not be able to find something that makes me look nice 

Of a day 

I might change my clothes 3 or 4 times 

Constantly looking through my clothes 

To see if they fit 

If they look ok 

It's exhausting 

I don't want to hate on myself anymore

It's very hard to be in recovery 

And feel so awful about myself 

I'm supposed to feel good now that I am recovering 

I'm supposed to accept and like my body a lot more 

But I don't

So where do I go from here?

Well

I guess 

I acknowledge that my appearance is only a very small part of me

I

Ruby 

Am a whole person 

My weight and appearance are just the shell that incases who I really am

But even still

It's important for me to feel comfortable in my own skin 

To feel like I present well

And look the best that I can

It's tough at the moment 

As I look in the mirror 

And I hate what I see 

Hate is a strong word 

But it's appropriate in this instance 

I hate the way I look 

I'm hoping that this is a phase 

A bump in the road that is recovery 

I know us ED girls struggle a lot with these things 

Especially in recovery 

When our bodies are changing so much 

I'm not going to let these feeling get the better of me 

I will continue to fight against my ED 

And my hatred of myself 

I will carry on with the work I am doing 

With being a good person 

Being a survivor of anorexia and addiction

Really 

I should be glad that I have a body at all

After what I've put it through 

I should be grateful that I am here at all 

And should love every inch of myself 

It doesn't come to me easily though

Hate comes more naturally to me 

I will keep fighting though 

I will keep believing that this will improve 

That my core beliefs about myself will change 

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder 

I wonder any one could find me attractive 

And have all but given up hope that I will find someone to share my life with

But 

I will make the best of my situation

I will make the most of what I've got 

What is the alternative? 

Lie down and give up

No

That's not my style 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you ever feel this way

Like you can't stand yourself?

Do you struggle with liking the way you look?

Do you find that you measure your worth in the way you look?

How do you deal with this?

Does it effect other areas of your life?

I'd love to know....