Way back when.... Part 2

Where was I?

Oh yes

I had spent two weeks in hospital 

And was being moved to the local psychiatric hospital 

I really didn't want to go

But what was the alternative?

Go home and continue on my path of self  destruction?

Again 

I didn't have the energy to put up a fight

So on the Sunday evening

After tea (Scrambled eggs and toast if you are interested)

I packed my little bag

And my father came to take me on the short trip to the hospital

It was a menacing looking place 

I didn't have a good feeling about it at all

All I could hope is that I wouldn't be there very long 

We were ushered in

And left to wait in an office for what felt like hours 

Mid wait

A student nurse and a patient came in and used the weighing scales in the corner of the room 

The patient was talking a mile a minute

And when she saw me, she said

'Don't worry young one, they'll feed you up in here, you'll be fine'

I was too scared to say anything

I just wanted to run out of the building and away from this place and these people

Eventually 

I was officially admitted

I was given a little room of my own 

I was so glad I wasn't sharing a room

Then I ventured up to the smoking room

There were a few women sitting in there 

I walked over 

And asked for a light 

A girl with a shaved head stood up and stuck out her hand to me 

I shook it 

She was also talking at great speed

There were a few characters 

All chain smoking and drinking tea 

There was a group 

Huddled over by the window

And a couple of women sitting on their own at the side 

Strangely 

I didn't feel afraid anymore 

Girl with the shaved head took me under her wing 

To me she seemed the most sane out of everyone 

But that didn't last long

It was when she started telling me that she had no asshole that I realised that she wasn't quite as sane as I thought

Everyone commented on my weight 

It seemed that this was a place where everyone said exactly what they thought

And again 

I got the feeling that staff didn't quite know what to do with me

They did lay down some ground rules for me though 

I had to be escorted to the bathroom

I couldn't go to the bathroom for an hour after eating 

And after eating I had to lie down in my room for an hour 

I rarely kept to the rules though 

And I refused to have someone escort me to the bathroom 

I did lie down after meals though

But then started the disgusting habit of purging in to plastic bags and hiding them in my wardrobe

I would lie on my bed at night

There was a a small window in the door of my room

Sometimes I would look up

And there would be two eyes staring in the window 

I put my head under the covers

And pretended that I was at home

There were so many characters in the hospital

There was the hospital bully

The same woman who weighed herself when I was waiting to be admitted 

She was loud and brash

And insisted she was only in hospital to get dental work done 

She preyed on the more vulnerable patients 

Although she left me alone 

Probably because I had family and friends in every day 

Some patients had no body 

I remember being at dinner one day 

The bully ordered one of the more quiet women to get her something 

I piped up and said no get it yourself 

She wasn't used to people standing up to her 

There was the woman with severe mental and physical disabilities who lived in the hospital

She would howl in the night

She must've been in such distress

The staff were pretty awful to her

I heard one asking another if this woman took sugar in her tea

The other staff member replied that 'it didn't matter'

I can clearly remember thinking that I'm sure it matters to the woman whether there is sugar in her tea or not

There was the English girl 

Who barely spoke a word

She had a personality disorder 

And thought she was Angelina Jolie

She had been admitted after trying to take out money out of the bank in the actresses name

The bank called the police

And she was brought to the hospital

She had a boyfriend that called up to her every evening 

They had met in hospital 

They sat wrapped around each other

The staff constantly telling them to stop

Then at Christmas 

The boyfriend arrived up to the hospital dressed in a tuxedo with a flower in his hand 

He came in to the smoking room 

Got down on one knee 

And proposed to Angelina

It was surreal to say the least

There were many others 

The girl who had post partum depression

And sat in the corner knitting all day

She was a nurse too

And the staff were lovely to her

There was the girl who every time she went out, she brought the TV remote control with her

That used to drive me mad!

There was the petite blonde from Dublin who had repeatedly tried to kill herself 

Then there was the lady who I saw in the doctors yesterday

She was admitted just before Christmas 

She had three kids 

And a husband who was not very nice to her

I remember the day we put up the Christmas decorations

This lady dressed the tree so beautifully

She also used to help in the kitchen 

She seemed to like to be busy

She was quiet 

Gentle 

Really pretty 

When I saw her yesterday 

She had gained a lot of weight

No doubt from the olanzapine she was almost definitely on

The doctors seemed to put everyone on it

And a lot of people in that hospital were very over weight 

But seeing this lady yesterday brought back a lot of memories 

So I guess that's why I'm writing these posts 

It was eight years ago now 

I remember the staff and patients has Christmas dinner 

There was a fizzy Apple drink on the table

And I remember some of the patients thought it was wine

I remember going home for Christmas 

And my sister and mother dropping me back to the hospital two days later

I remember looking out the window 

They were both in tears in each other's arms 

It broke my heart 

After Christmas 

I got word that a place in treatment had become available for me

I went home the night before I left 

That was the worst time I can remember in my ED history 

Thankfully 

That is all in the past 

And hopefully it will stay there