Way back when....

As you know by now

Monday is doctor day for me

It's good really

As it gives my day some structure 

And keeps me accountable where drug use is concerned 

And I always enjoy the little chat with my doctor

Which most of the time is not about medical issues

This morning he was unusually late 

So it was 10am by the time I got to the chemist

As I was a sitting waiting to see my doctor

I saw a woman I thought I recognised 

She was walking away from me 

So I didn't see her clearly 

But then I saw her in the chemist 

She was sitting down 

I caught her eye 

And she smiled 

Did she recognise me too?

I'm not quite sure 

I walked the length of the shop

Trying to figure out where I knew her from

She had a kind face

But looked so very sad

And you just wanted to give her a big hug

And tell her it will be ok

Then it hit me 

I knew I knew her from somewhere 

She was a patient in the same psychiatric  hospital that I was in back in 2007

2007 was a really bad year 

I was dabbling in buying prescription benzodiazepines 

And I hit an all time low weight 

I was in poor physical health 

But had no idea how dire my predicament was

I was working 

How, I managed to hold down a job I do not know 

I was running off of fumes 

I  was 25 

I was feeling so bad back then

That one day my mother insisted I go in to casualty 

I didn't have the strength to object

So I agreed 

I have vague memories of a drip being fitted

Various medical staff trying to talk me

But I was just a shell of a person

Their words bounced off me without any impact 

I was eventually moved to a ward 

A private room in fact 

I remember asking for sleeping tablets 

And more sleeping tablets 

Which they gave me

I was in a state of semi consciousness

And thoroughly enjoyed it

I was mainly left to my own devices

Didn't eat a thing

They didn't seem to know what to do with me

Or how to deal with me

I was discharged a week later

Only to be admitted again soon after

This time was different 

There seemed to be a plan in place 

I later heard that days before I arrived

A young girl died from anorexia 

So they took my case very seriously 

I had done as assessment for a treatment centre 

So I was trying to hold ground until a place came up

I remember being taken to a ward

I was weighed 

I then heard a nurse gasp and say I was 34 kilos

It meant nothing to me

I was beyond caring about my weight

There was just nothing going on behind my eyes 

I was dead inside 

I was moved to another ward

A health care worker sat with me 24 hours a day 

I saw the psych team

The dietician 

The social worker 

I was in an observation ward

And was escorted to the bathroom 

But even so 

I managed to purge 

To hide food 

Slip my Ensures in to the bin

It's amazing how devious a person can be when they put their mind to it 

I remember the student nurses 

They were lovely 

They sat and spoke to me

Encouraged me

Yet I felt that staff were wary of me

That they didn't know quite how to handle me

They wouldn't let me walk anywhere 

I had to sit in a wheel chair to go for smokes 

I had no idea that I was so ill and underweight 

And wondered what all the fuss was about 

One of my tricks was to use the bathroom downstairs to purge 

When family members brought me down there 

One day a student nurse followed me in

And interrupted me mid purge

I was mortified 

Back up on the ward 

I saw the same nurse wiping away tears 

But I had no idea why I had upset her

It's only now 

Years later 

That I can see how that incident could have upset her 

A week later 

And a place in treatment still hadn't come up

They were discussing the fact that I was on methadone 

And whether they could accommodate that

So it was decided that I would be moved to the local psychiatric hospital

I was terrified at the prospect 

I pictured films like One flew over the cuckoos nest

And Girl interrupted 

But the general hospital wouldn't keep me

And my family wanted me to stay safe until a place in treatment came up

Life in the general hospital was fine 

I spent my days resting 

Spending time with family 

Reading and writing 

I was content to be there 

As I was still managing to engage in behaviours

I was weighed every second day

I gained a minute amount in the couple of weeks I was there 

This post has become longer than planned

And I haven't even written about the last I saw today yet

So I will split this post in to two

And take up where I left off tomorrow

To be continued....