Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Day 4

It's early morning here again in hospital 
About 6am
And day 4 of no food
I was allowed two half cups of tea yesterday 
Which were absolute heaven
I gulped them down like water
When the night staff came on
I asked one of the nurses could I weigh myself in the morning 
She wasn't too sure that it was a good idea
But I insisted that I wouldn't have a hissy fit
So the nurse just brought the scales around
A dial one in kilos 
I stood on it
And was shocked to see I had gained three kilos 
I asked the nurse how was that possible when I haven't eaten in 3 days
She said it was the fluid
That they are pumping litres of fluid in to me every day 
And that it will settle down again
Before I had a complete meltdown
I remembered that the last time I was in hospital with pancreatitis 
I gained weight too while I was there
Then when I got home
The weight fell off me
So I won't panic just yet

I'm getting to know the ladies on my ward 
There is a lot of shuffling about 
Moving people in and out of beds
But on the whole 
The people are lovely 
Some are sicker than others 
Some don't talk at all
My last neighbour talked continuously 
Like a mantra over and over against
She was 92 
A night woman 
In her day she had been a pharmacist
She went home yesterday
And two very handsome ambulance men came to take her home 
Boy was I jealous.

I also asked the nurse if she thought I'd be allowed eat today
She said not a chance
I was crushed 
I was holding on for tea and toast
It was the only thing keeping me going
She also said that I'll be here for a while
Which is also not good news
Christmas is fast approaching 
And desperately want to be home
All I can do is hope and pray that this thing clears up by then 

I just wish I could sleep more 
But it's just not happening 
Even with a sleeping tablet 
I'm awake at 5am
With not a hope of getting back to sleep 
I may ask if the dosage of the zimovaine can be increased 
As I am exhausted

I was speaking with my mother last night
She told me that I need to start taking better care of myself 
I guess this is true
I don't eat properly 
I purge 
This is all taking a toll on my body 
I just feel so fragile right now 
Like it wouldn't take a lot to bring me down for good 
Anyway
Christmas will be a chance to relax and rest 
And I'll do my best to stay healthy

I was wondering about you
How do you celebrate Christmas?
Maybe you don't celebrate at all
Do you have any traditions?
What do you eat on Christmas Day?
Inquiring minds want to know.....
With love from at

20 comments:

  1. bluedragonfly9516 December 2015 at 02:15

    I'm going to be inpatient for my anorexia and I will probably only get the lovely meal of a nasogastric feed :'( hope you get well hunni I'm here until at least January 6th although the hospital want me ip for 6 months! SIX MONTHS! And at this rate they'll win that :( I just can't seem to help myself

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday16 December 2015 at 03:55

      I know it seems like a long time
      But think of is an investment for your health
      The time will fly by
      I promise you
      In do groggy today from meds
      So apologies if this did not make any sense xč

      Delete
    2. bluedragonfly9517 December 2015 at 12:14

      It made enough sense that's the fact I'm trying to get my head around stop being so stubborn and finally let someone help let someone in let someone assist in saving myself; which I know only I can do xx hope you get home today to some real warm toast and more then two mouthfuls of tea lol

      Delete
  2. cursum perficio16 December 2015 at 03:44

    This X-mas will hopefully be a quiet one. I'll be going to my sister's, but my brother, who will drive me there, works in the evening so we won't stay too long; thank God.

    Please take care of yourself, Ruby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday16 December 2015 at 04:04

      Ours is a nice quiet one too
      It's good as I don't feel up to doing much or entertaining anyone

      Hope you're doing ok h

      Delete
  3. désespérée de maigrir16 December 2015 at 08:04

    Feel better Miss Ruby! I hope you get to go home to Christmas cheer and Honey and Lea very soon...

    I agree with your mum that you certainly need to start taking better care of yourself. If you can beat drug addiction, you can beat this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday16 December 2015 at 08:45

      Thanks hun,

      Yes it seems I need to make some lifestyle changes
      As the way I live at the moment is not conducive to health
      And ultimately happiness
      So
      I guess it's up to me
      I can't lie
      I am shit scared
      But what is the alternative? X

      Delete
  4. Mich16 December 2015 at 09:29

    I really hope they let you out before Christmas. Focus as much as you can on getting well, mentally and physically. That first paragraph about your weight and the scales worries me--it sounds like the ED is still very much in the driver's seat. Going home in that mindset, I can't imagine you'll stay out of hospital for very long. Your poor body has already taken a hell of a beating. Keep fighting; you've accomplished too much to let a bump in the road knock you down. xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday16 December 2015 at 10:07

      I just got word Mich
      That I will be heading home tomorrow or Friday
      So I am so excited to go home!
      I know I need to be careful
      And eating properly
      And take my meds correctly
      I can't risk this happening again x

      Delete
    2. Me Destruit18 December 2015 at 18:49

      I agree.. That worried me too :( please do be careful x

      Delete
  5. Anonymous16 December 2015 at 09:45

    I felt the same as Mich, only she says it better!
    lots of love...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous16 December 2015 at 10:13

    Thank Y-H, dearest !!! :D :D
    PLEASE take care of you, you're the only Rubly we have…
    No one could take your place-!!

    <3 + ((Huggles)); Jils

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday16 December 2015 at 11:53

      Thanks Jils
      Actually just got word that I'll be going home tomorrow or Friday so that is good news
      As always
      I will keep you posted x

      Delete
  7. Angharad 16 December 2015 at 10:39

    All I have to say is:
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    sorry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday16 December 2015 at 11:54

      Aw thanks Annie
      You don't have to say a word
      I know you are there
      Thank you x

      Delete
  8. Bella16 December 2015 at 12:26

    Aw sweetie :( With all the inflammation and fluids, I'm sure it's not real weight. Fluids always make me gain weight, even if it's just plain old saline. You've seen it happen before, and I wouldn't be surprised if your body is in a near-constant state of dehydration.

    Always here if you need to chat. God knows hospital can get lonely (I can give you my number for iMessage if you like).

    Love love love <3
    xxxx

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    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday16 December 2015 at 13:29

      Hey Hun,

      Yes I am guessing that it's not a really accurate weight
      I mean I didn't eat for four days straight
      But then
      This happened the last time
      And when I got home the weight fell off me
      Not that I want it to mind

      Yes do send me your number and we can text
      Hope you're doing ok x

      Delete
    2. bluedragonfly9517 December 2015 at 12:09

      I've been really worried about you bella so it's nice to see you pop up in a comment!

      Delete
  9. Me Destruit18 December 2015 at 18:52

    One of these days, I'll spend Christmas at home, but I have a feeling it will be a bit of a letdown after all these years of waiting... I'll be spending Christmas with Renee and her family, *sigh* but, I'll at least get to be with my son, even if I do have to share him lol.

    Look after yourself Rubykins x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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