Saturday, 12 December 2015


I want to apologise for not always replying to comments recently 
I have to admit
Sometimes I am afraid to look at my comments
As i am afraid of getting nasty ones
I actually experience anxiety before checking comments 
Even though 99% of comments are lovely 
There's always that one horrible one that can overshadow everything else
I'm also struggling to reply to comments 
As I am finding things tough at the moment 
I know I haven't been writing a lot of personal posts recently 
Because I feel like a bit of a fraud 
I'm supposed to be in recovery 
I'm supposed to be doing well 
Every day I struggle 
Every day I weigh myself 
And every day for the last few weeks I've lost weight 
God forgive me
I am getting a buzz out of seeing the numbers go down
It's a sick sick game 
But oh so addictive 

The last time I saw Breda
She spoke about widening my circle
And doing more 
And I am struggling massively with this
I've pulled away from my friends 
All bar one 
Who I still meet every couple of weeks 
But apart from that 
And looking after my dogs 
I don't actually do very much 
I know I need to fill my days 
Get out and meet people 
Have a purpose 
I gets its a choice
Choose the ED and live a lonely miserable life
With no friends 
No job 
No college 
No dogs because I can't look after them 
No life 
Nothing but me and my childlike body for company 

Or else I could choose recovery 
And choose life 
Yes, life is scary
It's tough 
But it's also exciting 
With recovery 
I get to live the life I want to live
I have my loved ones around me
I study
I work 
I exercise 
I enjoy my food 
And am not in a constant battle with myself over food, weight and body image

You would think that this is a no brainer
That most sane people would choose the latter 
But since when have I been sane?
I feel the pull of my ED 
I hear her whispering in my ear
All of things that will improve if I lose weight 
I can't lie 
It's so very tempting 
She is convincing 
And I have little resistance 
If I keep going the way I am
I'm going to be underweight very soon 
But the thing is 
I have reached the goal I set myself 
And in fact gone beyond it
That should be enough right?
Maybe for a 'normal' non eating disordered person
For us
The goal posts constantly shift
Anorexia will push you as far as it possibly can
To your very limits 
Until something gives
Your body or your mind 
I have no doubt that my ED wAnts me dead 
That is her goal
To either starve myself to death 
Die of a heart attack
Or tAke a handful of pills 
The ultimate sacrifice 

Having said all that 
I'm not about to throw my recovery and my life away 
I've worked too hard to get through my issues 
And I didn't come through heroin addiction just to be killed by my ED 
I have thought about sharing my weight here on my blog 
But have decided against it
I've never shared my weight here 
I just don't think it's relevant 
And I know we have a tenancy to zone in on the numbers 
And compare their weight
So in an effort to avoid that 
I won't be posting my weight 

Another reason things are tough at the moment 
Is that my sister is battling a very nasty bout of depression
And is feeling really low these days 
Its a bit of an eye opener to be on the other side of mental illness 
I'm so used to being the patient 
The one that needs the help
So to actually be the onlooker is really difficult 
My sister is quiet
Very upset at times 
And feeling quite hopeless 
It's so hard to know what to say to someone 
How to help 
My strategy to help her
Is to make her laugh
As I genuinely believe that laughter is medicine for the soul 
I give her hugs
Sit on her bed and just chat
She comes for walks with me sometimes 
It's obvious that she is really struggling
It's really  sad to witness 
And my mother and I feel so helpless
And useless 
I wish there was more we could go to help 
All we can do is be there 
Make sure she is ok
That she is warm
Eating ok
The dogs are really good with her 
They sit by her 
Rest their heads on her knee
It's like they know 
And they probably do 
I've never witnessed or lived with someone who has chronic depression 
Well I did when I was in hospital 
The people who were really low rarely came out of their rooms
Only venturing out to the smoking room every once and a while 
I remember one guy in particular 
We spoke while chain smoking 
Sitting on the window sill 
Blowing smoke rings back and forth
This guy was in the depths of despair 
Like he had completely given up
He wore the same clothes day in day out 
And there was quite a smell off him
He just couldn't muster the energy to have a shower 
He didn't see the point 
Didn't see the point of anything 
I've experience low mood before 
But I can't say that I've been clinically depressed 
I do worry for my sister 
I know she that she is trying to fight it 
And it's taking every single ounce of energy out of her 

I just wanted to explain my situation at the moment 
I guess there comes a time when real life needs me more than my virtual life
And that's ok
I am ok
and my sister is ok
At least we will be...


  1. My sister has been depressed for a while now, and it IS scary to see it from the other side. You feel so helpless. But I think just being there for them is helping a bit. Remember that there are professional help to get, too. It is not your burden to bear alone.

  2. What about going to Mary? x

  3. so sorry you are all having such a struggle i hope you can carry on being strong for each other and make a fresh start for the new year, thinking of you much love, jo xx

  4. I get this too. A lot of the time, I don't check comments until just before I make a new post. I rarely get nasty comments since turning off anon, but it's still nerve wracking.

    I hope your sister starts to feel better soon. It's scary seeing things from the other side.

    Lots of love <3

  5. Nothing to apologize for ruby!

    Love xmas now that i don't see any family.sorry to say! Just have a glass non alcoholic champagne. Makes me feel
    Chin up ruby! Shelby

    1. I just have a swim in the creek and hng out with friends.any people with no family live here...they work in the mines and other places like that. We call it orphans xmas. It's kind of fun to watch everyonr else get shitfaced but not me. Haha.

  6. You just keep telling yourself, you are stronger than your ED.

    Sometimes it helps to help others... I'm going through some pretty severe depression atm myself, it's a big part of my BPD, it's definitely a struggle and I feel for both you and your sister.

    Things will get better.



Thank you for leaving some love x