Sunday

I want to apologise for not always replying to comments recently 

I have to admit

Sometimes I am afraid to look at my comments

As i am afraid of getting nasty ones

I actually experience anxiety before checking comments 

Even though 99% of comments are lovely 

There's always that one horrible one that can overshadow everything else

I'm also struggling to reply to comments 

As I am finding things tough at the moment 

I know I haven't been writing a lot of personal posts recently 

Because I feel like a bit of a fraud 

I'm supposed to be in recovery 

I'm supposed to be doing well 

Yet 

Every day I struggle 

Every day I weigh myself 

And every day for the last few weeks I've lost weight 

God forgive me

I am getting a buzz out of seeing the numbers go down

It's a sick sick game 

But oh so addictive 

The last time I saw Breda

She spoke about widening my circle

And doing more 

And I am struggling massively with this

I've pulled away from my friends 

All bar one 

Who I still meet every couple of weeks 

But apart from that 

And looking after my dogs 

I don't actually do very much 

I know I need to fill my days 

Get out and meet people 

Have a purpose 

I gets its a choice

Choose the ED and live a lonely miserable life

With no friends 

No job 

No college 

No dogs because I can't look after them 

No life 

Nothing but me and my childlike body for company 

Or else I could choose recovery 

And choose life 

Yes, life is scary

It's tough 

Boring 

Overwhelming 

But it's also exciting 

Fun 

Enjoyable 

With recovery 

I get to live the life I want to live

I have my loved ones around me

Family 

Friends 

Dogs 

I study

I work 

I exercise 

I enjoy my food 

And am not in a constant battle with myself over food, weight and body image

You would think that this is a no brainer

That most sane people would choose the latter 

But since when have I been sane?

I feel the pull of my ED 

I hear her whispering in my ear

All of things that will improve if I lose weight 

I can't lie 

It's so very tempting 

She is convincing 

And I have little resistance 

If I keep going the way I am

I'm going to be underweight very soon 

But the thing is 

I have reached the goal I set myself 

And in fact gone beyond it

That should be enough right?

Maybe for a 'normal' non eating disordered person

For us

The goal posts constantly shift

Anorexia will push you as far as it possibly can

To your very limits 

Until something gives

Your body or your mind 

I have no doubt that my ED wAnts me dead 

That is her goal

To either starve myself to death 

Die of a heart attack

Or tAke a handful of pills 

The ultimate sacrifice 

Having said all that 

I'm not about to throw my recovery and my life away 

I've worked too hard to get through my issues 

And I didn't come through heroin addiction just to be killed by my ED 

I have thought about sharing my weight here on my blog 

But have decided against it

I've never shared my weight here 

I just don't think it's relevant 

And I know we have a tenancy to zone in on the numbers 

And compare their weight

So in an effort to avoid that 

I won't be posting my weight 

Another reason things are tough at the moment 

Is that my sister is battling a very nasty bout of depression

And is feeling really low these days 

Its a bit of an eye opener to be on the other side of mental illness 

I'm so used to being the patient 

The one that needs the help

So to actually be the onlooker is really difficult 

My sister is quiet

Withdrawn 

Very upset at times 

And feeling quite hopeless 

It's so hard to know what to say to someone 

How to help 

My strategy to help her

Is to make her laugh

As I genuinely believe that laughter is medicine for the soul 

I give her hugs

Sit on her bed and just chat

She comes for walks with me sometimes 

But 

It's obvious that she is really struggling

It's really  sad to witness 

And my mother and I feel so helpless

And useless 

I wish there was more we could go to help 

All we can do is be there 

Make sure she is ok

That she is warm

Eating ok

The dogs are really good with her 

They sit by her 

Rest their heads on her knee

It's like they know 

And they probably do 

I've never witnessed or lived with someone who has chronic depression 

Well I did when I was in hospital 

The people who were really low rarely came out of their rooms

Only venturing out to the smoking room every once and a while 

I remember one guy in particular 

We spoke while chain smoking 

Sitting on the window sill 

Blowing smoke rings back and forth

This guy was in the depths of despair 

Like he had completely given up

He wore the same clothes day in day out 

And there was quite a smell off him

He just couldn't muster the energy to have a shower 

He didn't see the point 

Didn't see the point of anything 

I've experience low mood before 

But I can't say that I've been clinically depressed 

I do worry for my sister 

I know she that she is trying to fight it 

And it's taking every single ounce of energy out of her 

Anyway 

I just wanted to explain my situation at the moment 

I guess there comes a time when real life needs me more than my virtual life

And that's ok

I am ok

and my sister is ok

At least we will be...