Tuesday 29th December

It being Christmas 

And it being a bank holiday

I was at the doctors today 

Instead of yesterday

The surgery was unusually quiet

I took a seat 

And looked up to see a man from the meetings coming towards me

I actually smelled him before I saw him

Which is a terrible thing to say 

But it's the truth

This man would be considered by many as the town fruit loop

And resident weirdo 

I don't see him this way

And see nothing but a very mentally unwell person

A person who drank and drugged too much in their youth

A lonely man 

A very sad man

He spotted me straight away

And made a bee line for me 

The smell off of him was pungent 

Stale alcohol

The scent of not having washed in weeks

I have to admit

I don't particularly like meeting this man 

As he can be very inappropriate 

He is the same man who asked me me very loudly in a waiting room if I had a problem with food 

So needless to say I am wary of him

He came over when he saw me 

Sat down beside me 

And said I looked well 

Which I don't 

But anyway 

He took out a little bag

When I saw it 

I was reminded of the One Direction bag he used to sport earlier in the year

He asked if I had a pen

I fished in to my bag and found one

Just at that moment my name was called by my doctor

I told the man the keep the pen

And followed my doctor in to his room 

Before I had even sat down 

He started telling me about a fabulous new book he was reading 

He sat back in his chAir as he spoke 

As though he was in his element 

After a few minutes

He changed the subject 

And asked how Christmas had gone

I told him it was lovely and low key

He asked about my eating issues 

I told him how I think I need to address a few issues in that regard

And I hope to see Mary in the new year

He also asked if I was purging much

I said I was

A bit 

But in truth 

It's spinning out of control again

When I got home from hospital two weeks ago

I was really charged to make some changes to my lifestyle 

My eating 

My purging 

The food I choose to eat 

As well as generally looking after myself 

But 

Old habits die hard as they say

And I'm finding it difficult to make any real  change 

My health has never been a priority 

I've never cared enough about myself to put my health first 

I guess that comes from not caring if you live or die 

And I felt that way for a very long time

Now 

I want to live 

I do

But again 

The habits of a lifetime

And the beliefs of a lifetime prove so very hard to change

My doctor wrote my script

And I left wishing him a happy new year 

I can't lie 

I feel I am heading head first for a relapse 

I am now on the cusp of being underweight

The prospect of this both thrills me and terrifies me

But the thing is 

Even though I know where I am headed

And I know how this story ends 

I am finding it incredibly difficult to stop

The numbers are going down at an alarming rate

I've lost 21 pounds in the last 7-8 weeks

I worry about that

I don't want to put my family through this whole nightmare again

And even in weight terms 

I think I look better when my BMI is around 22 - 23

At the moment I look pale and wan

Weight loss is always really visible in my face

I'm just hoping I can get some top

Up sessions with Mary 

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist in the new year 

So I'm hoping to get some extra support there 

So yes 

I am struggling at the moment 

It's been a combination of factors that contributed to this slip

The navy trousers that didn't fit

My being hospitalised again

I always lose weight when I am unwell

And I guess that's not unusual

It's just really hard to bounce back from that

It's tough though 

I know a lot of us here on blogger are struggling at the moment 

I think at times like this 

We need to stick together 

Look out for one another

Support each other 

Sometimes we are all each other has

I feel your pain

I really do 

I know what it's like to feel afraid 

Alone even though you are surrounded by people 

I know this thing we call ED can ruin lives 

Not just of the sufferer 

But of everyone around them

The thing about EDs

Is that the one person who can decide to get well

Is the one person who doesn't want to get well 

I know from being on both sides of mental illness

That being a carer or a supporter is not easy 

It's frustrating beyond belief 

And it's hard work

Sister no 1 is really struggling at the moment with depression

It's so hard to see her like this 

She's withdrawn

Very quiet 

Spends a lot of time in her room

She started taking her meds again

So we are hoping that will help

But the next few days are going to be busy here 

And I know she will find that hard

We are all just trying to be there for her 

Make sure she is warm and comfortable 

Giving her space

But also plenty of hugs 

The thing is 

That we as her family 

Feel so helpless 

There is little we can do to ease her suffering 

Yes we can be there 

But we can't take her depression away 

Just like my family can't take my illness away 

But as ever

We will persevere 

Keep fighting the good fight

And keep hoping and believing in a better life 

What is the alternative?

Lie down and give up?

No 

That is just not an option

We as a family have been through too much to give up now 

That's just not our style 

2016 is just around the corner 

I'm hoping it will be a good one 

What are your hopes for 2016?