Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Tuesday 29th December

It being Christmas 
And it being a bank holiday
I was at the doctors today 
Instead of yesterday
The surgery was unusually quiet
I took a seat 
And looked up to see a man from the meetings coming towards me
I actually smelled him before I saw him
Which is a terrible thing to say 
But it's the truth
This man would be considered by many as the town fruit loop
And resident weirdo 
I don't see him this way
And see nothing but a very mentally unwell person
A person who drank and drugged too much in their youth
A lonely man 
A very sad man
He spotted me straight away
And made a bee line for me 
The smell off of him was pungent 
Stale alcohol
The scent of not having washed in weeks
I have to admit
I don't particularly like meeting this man 
As he can be very inappropriate 
He is the same man who asked me me very loudly in a waiting room if I had a problem with food 
So needless to say I am wary of him
He came over when he saw me 
Sat down beside me 
And said I looked well 
Which I don't 
But anyway 
He took out a little bag
When I saw it 
I was reminded of the One Direction bag he used to sport earlier in the year
He asked if I had a pen
I fished in to my bag and found one
Just at that moment my name was called by my doctor
I told the man the keep the pen
And followed my doctor in to his room 

Before I had even sat down 
He started telling me about a fabulous new book he was reading 
He sat back in his chAir as he spoke 
As though he was in his element 
After a few minutes
He changed the subject 
And asked how Christmas had gone
I told him it was lovely and low key
He asked about my eating issues 
I told him how I think I need to address a few issues in that regard
And I hope to see Mary in the new year
He also asked if I was purging much
I said I was
A bit 
But in truth 
It's spinning out of control again
When I got home from hospital two weeks ago
I was really charged to make some changes to my lifestyle 
My eating 
My purging 
The food I choose to eat 
As well as generally looking after myself 
Old habits die hard as they say
And I'm finding it difficult to make any real  change 
My health has never been a priority 
I've never cared enough about myself to put my health first 
I guess that comes from not caring if you live or die 
And I felt that way for a very long time
I want to live 
I do
But again 
The habits of a lifetime
And the beliefs of a lifetime prove so very hard to change
My doctor wrote my script
And I left wishing him a happy new year 

I can't lie 
I feel I am heading head first for a relapse 
I am now on the cusp of being underweight
The prospect of this both thrills me and terrifies me
But the thing is 
Even though I know where I am headed
And I know how this story ends 
I am finding it incredibly difficult to stop
The numbers are going down at an alarming rate
I've lost 21 pounds in the last 7-8 weeks
I worry about that
I don't want to put my family through this whole nightmare again
And even in weight terms 
I think I look better when my BMI is around 22 - 23
At the moment I look pale and wan
Weight loss is always really visible in my face
I'm just hoping I can get some top
Up sessions with Mary 
I'm also seeing my psychiatrist in the new year 
So I'm hoping to get some extra support there 
So yes 
I am struggling at the moment 
It's been a combination of factors that contributed to this slip
The navy trousers that didn't fit
My being hospitalised again
I always lose weight when I am unwell
And I guess that's not unusual
It's just really hard to bounce back from that

It's tough though 
I know a lot of us here on blogger are struggling at the moment 
I think at times like this 
We need to stick together 
Look out for one another
Support each other 
Sometimes we are all each other has
I feel your pain
I really do 
I know what it's like to feel afraid 
Alone even though you are surrounded by people 
I know this thing we call ED can ruin lives 
Not just of the sufferer 
But of everyone around them
The thing about EDs
Is that the one person who can decide to get well
Is the one person who doesn't want to get well 
I know from being on both sides of mental illness
That being a carer or a supporter is not easy 
It's frustrating beyond belief 
And it's hard work
Sister no 1 is really struggling at the moment with depression
It's so hard to see her like this 
She's withdrawn
Very quiet 
Spends a lot of time in her room
She started taking her meds again
So we are hoping that will help
But the next few days are going to be busy here 
And I know she will find that hard
We are all just trying to be there for her 
Make sure she is warm and comfortable 
Giving her space
But also plenty of hugs 
The thing is 
That we as her family 
Feel so helpless 
There is little we can do to ease her suffering 
Yes we can be there 
But we can't take her depression away 
Just like my family can't take my illness away 

But as ever
We will persevere 
Keep fighting the good fight
And keep hoping and believing in a better life 
What is the alternative?
Lie down and give up?
That is just not an option
We as a family have been through too much to give up now 
That's just not our style 

2016 is just around the corner 
I'm hoping it will be a good one 
What are your hopes for 2016?


  1. STOP right now little Miss Ruby Roo. I know it's easier said than done, but do you really want your very near future to contain a full blown ED relapse? All the horrors and pain that comes with it? NO, you really don't!!!! You've been such an inspiration to me and to so many, please don't give up now, just when you were making some earth shattering progress. I believe in you, SO SO SO much. Please take the reins once more and steer your life back in the right (ED-free) direction. You can do this. In your own words, you can't just lie down and give up - that is just not an option. You've got to stand up and fight for your life. For your family, for Honey and Lea, for your blogger family, and FOR YOU! Sorry to harp on and on, I just care so much about you and only want the best for you, the best which I know is out there for you, you just have to fight for it. Love you millions xxxx

    1. Love you too Annie
      Don't have a lot of words today
      But thank you for being there
      It means more than you know x

  2. Praying for your sister, depression is awful. I probably couldn't function anymore without the daily Zoloft/clonazepam cocktail.

    Seeing Mary will be good. Starving is deadly, but the purging can be deadly so much faster. I wish I had some sage advise for how to get out of this rut you've fallen into, but there is no magic fix that works for everyone. After my worst relapse (so far.......), it was other people who pulled me out of the rut. Mostly friends from church. The ED wants you to be a hermit. Once I jumped that first hurdle of just getting out and being with people, each time after that was much easier, and the ED lost its strength until it faded almost entirely.

    Much love to you and yours. <3

    1. Thanks Mich
      I appreciate your kind words
      My sister and I are supporting each other
      At least we have that x

  3. I'm sorry to hear that you're both struggling, but you're right, you have each other and when you can't fight for yourselves, you can fight for each other and that might just be enough to get you through to the point where you *can* fight for yourselves too, then and only then, you have a chance of winning. I definitely wish I had that.. All I had was blogger and my wife made me feel so guilty about my time spent on here, that I just kind of drifted away.

    On that note.. I know I was away for quite a while, but I thought of you often and often snuck in to check on your wellbeing, sometimes leaving a little comment in the process and sometimes not.. I had a point here, sorry.. Um.. It may be a glitch again, or maybe you've just been too busy (quite understandably so).. but I was wondering if you'd rather I didn't comment or follow anymore? Just, I've commented quite a bit and you've not managed to reply to any and some of my comments are gone =( If I'm saying something I shouldn't, or upsetting, please do let me know?

    Lots of love always, Ruby x

    1. Oh sorry Hun
      I didn't mean to not reply
      I must not have seen all your comments
      I have tried to text you though
      But it doesn't seem to be working
      No you haven't upset me at all
      I'm really sorry
      I hope you see this Hun
      And I hope you are doing ok
      Are you blogging ?
      How are you? X

  4. Hi Ruby,

    I'm conscious that this may sound a little harsh, but recently it seems that you're just watching this relapse happen. Its like you're destroying your body for the peace of mind that you'll never achieve. You need to put a stop to this, and you do have that power within you, I promise. Yes, with mental illness it is hard to believe that your mind, the very thing which is working against you, can actually help to heal you, but you have to be the one to decide to want to get better. You can stop this before you are too far gone. You've overcome far too much in your life to let this destroy yet another year, or five. You need to tell yourself that you're worth recovery. Think how shit it was to go through weight gain over the past 18 months - you'll have to go through that tourment all over again if you carry on this path.

    Sorry, and I know more than most how hard it is to find the determination, but you can do it. Practise saying to yourself 'I'm not going to let this happen', and see what happens.

    Louisa xxx

    1. Thanks Louisa
      I appreciate you writing this
      As o know it must not have been easy
      I don't think it's harsh
      It's the truth I need to hear
      I'm trying my best to put the brakes on
      And I hope to see Mary in the new year
      And of course I have the support of my family
      So I am luckier than most

      I hope you are doing ok
      Lovely to hear from you x


Thank you for leaving some love x