January 2 2016

After my episode yesterday while walking my dogs

I came home straight away

And promptly fell asleep on the couch for a few hours with a blanket over me

And a hot water bottle tucked in to my pyjamas 

I felt a lot better after sleeping and eating something 

I know that feeling though

The feeling I am going to pass out

When my body feels really heavy 

And me heart feels like it's fluttering in my chest

I also know that it could well be due to an electrolyte imbalance 

As this has happened before

And I was hospitalised immediately 

I will speak to my doctor on Monday 

He might do some bloods just to check everything is ok 

I know that this is probably happening because I lost a lot of weight quickly 

God help me 

I want to stop 

I truly do

But some thing in me keeps saying

Just one more pound 

Just one more 

I arrive at one goal

Only for the goal posts to be moved

And then it's on to the next one

I mean

It makes no sense 

I know where this is headed 

I know how this story ends

Yet I continue to fall head first down the rabbit hole

It's irrational 

It's illogical 

I don't understand it

I really don't 

Next week will be good though

As I am seeing Breda on Monday

My psychiatrist on Tuesday

And I have a follow up appointment in the hospital on Friday

So lots of support next week

Heck knows I need it

It just goes to show 

Not looking after yourself does catch up with you

I muddled along for years

Drinking 

Drugging

Starving

Bingeing and purging 

I thought I was invincible 

Indestructible 

When you are young 

You don't consider your own mortality

It feels like you are bullet proof

And for a long time 

I did get away with it

But 

I'm getting older 

And it's harder to bounce back

The pancreatitis 

Two bouts of it 

Have really knocked the wind out of my sails 

And is living proof that my body is struggling to just be well

To function normally 

There is only so much that it can take 

Even after this most recent hospital stay

Coming home

I was all pumped to change my ways 

Eat properly 

Not purge 

Get healthy 

That lasted about two days

And I was straight back to my old ways 

I'm finding it so hard to do the right thing 

To feed my body 

Nourish it 

And look after it 

It doesn't come easily to me 

I've been he'll bent on self destruction for so long

That it has become second nature to me 

It's what I know 

On the other hand 

I have shown that I can change if I want to 

I quit drugs

Alcohol

Even smoking 

So I know it's within my capabilitiy to change and adapt 

It seems that food is the final frontier 

The last thing 

My one remaining vice

And it seems to me 

That food could be the trickiest of all 

At least with drugs and drink 

I could eliminate them completely from my life

I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis 

With food 

I have to navigate through it multiple times a day 

And being an all or nothing person 

That is tough for me

I either eat all the food 

Or none of the food 

And there is not a lot of leeway in between 

Anyway 

My aim at the moment 

Is to take it day by day 

Deal with the here and now

And not worry too much about yesterday or tomorrow 

I just feel like the fight has almost been knocked out of me 

And I am scrambling to find the courage and faith to go on 

My mental health is not good 

I'm paranoid 

My thoughts are negative and destructive 

I can't make sense of simple situations 

I'm hyper sensitive 

Reading too much in to things 

It feels like every nerve in my body is on high alert 

And is picking up every little detail in life 

It's draining 

It's exhausting 

I just want out

I can now see that I can't be underweight and healthy 

Or even happy 

3 months ago I was at a healthy BMI of 22-23

I felt good 

Whether I looked good or not didn't really come in to it

If being a healthy weight was the price I had to pay for being well and happy

Then I was will to pay it

Now my BMI is 18

Not even clinically anorectic 

I feel utterly all over the shop

I know I need some extra support right now 

And I will ring Mary again next week

I just need the help to snap out of this rut I am in 

I just need help

I know if I had that 

I could get back on track 

Back on form 

Because I'm not willing to go down the route of being severely underweight 

And worrying my whole family to death 

I'm not willing to throw my life away for the sake of a number on a scale 

I won't do it

And I won't do it to my family 

I just need help 

A little bit of help 

That is all....