Job Update

As you may know

I applied for a job a couple of weeks ago

In an assisted living centre for the elderly

I sent in my application

And made it to the interview round

Which I had last Thursday

I was hoping to hear something this week

But I didn't hear a peep

As you also may know 

I have little or no patience 

I checked our letter box obsessively 

Hoping to find a letter 

It was killing me not knowing if I had got the job or not

I just wanted to know either way

So 

After there was no word yesterday

The thought of having to wait the whole weekend for an update was too much

And I decided to take the bull by the horns 

And ring the manager of the centre

Who was also one of the interviewers 

I dialled the number 

And waited as the phone rang and rang

Just as I was about to end the call

The manager picked up

I told her who I was 

She remembered me

Which I thought was a good sign

And asked if the position had been filled

I was fully expecting her to say it had been 

But instead 

She apologised

And informed me that the board needed to have one more meeting before making a final decision 

I took that as good news 

I still might have a chance!

The manager asked me if I was interested in the summer job 

Which would be working in their holiday centre for the summer months

I thought 'What the hell

And said I was

A job is a job right?

That led me to think that she might have me in mind for that job

I'd be happy with that

I'm just excited for someone to give me a chance to show that I can work hard and well 

And I think the holiday centre would be a lovely place to work 

It would mean dealing with people all day

Which would give me little or no time to devote to my ED

It would give me structure and purpose

Things I really crave at the moment

Although I think I still have a shot at getting the job in the assisted living centre

I feel they may be looking for someone with more experience 

But the thing is 

How am I to gain experience if no one gives me a chance?

It might be a gamble to employ me

But it's a gamble that I believe could pay off

But

As ever 

I have all bases covered 

And there is the option of the stables 

If the job doesn't pan out

And that is something that I am super excited about

The stables itself is quite near where I live

And it's a whole new project

So it would be awesome to be part of that

So what ever happens 

I will be happy either way 

It's actually exciting to see what will happen in the future now

I've been stuck for so long 

So to be finally moving forward 

And making steps to get well and gel myself is really making me feel good about myself 

My doctor is always telling me that I am too talented to just be sitting around 

I don't know about being talented 

But I could just waste my life away out in here in my little house

For a long time 

I didn't want to do anything 

I didn't want to move forward

I was content to abuse my meds

And spend my days slipping in and out of sleep 

Sitting on the mat beside the fire place 

Chain smoking 

Not giving a shit about myself 

Or anything else 

But there has been change in the last couple of years 

I am now 18 months smoke free

I've had periods of time when my ED was in remission

I am now taking my meds correctly and properly 

Which is huge progress

As for years I had used and abused them 

Now

My Mother looks after my meds

And gives me them every morning 

And that seems to work

I know I can't trust myself to take them properly 

And there is nothing wrong with a bit of support

Whatever works, right?

So 

All in all 

Things are moving along nicely 

Of course there is much work to do 

There is always work to do

But I feel like I am finally getting a grip on my life 

My ED is a daily battle

I have good days 

And bad days 

Days when I don't want to get out of bed 

Days when my purging is off the scale 

But the good days more than make up for the bad ones 

I have days when I laugh until my sides hurt

I have days when I feel loved and liked and needed and wanted

On a good day I feel something approaching happiness

I feel content to be me

I look at myself in the mirror 

And feel ok with what I see

These days make it all worthwhile 

Which brings me to my next point

I want you to know 

That no matter how bad things get 

No matter how low you go

There is always hope 

There are always possibilities and opportunities 

There is always a way out

Sometimes our issues and problems become so heavy 

That we don't think we can carry on 

I know 

I have been there

Addiction and disordered eating have been part of my life for 15 years now

But you know what?

I live with these conditions

I don't die with them 

I have been at deaths door 

Many many times 

I know I am lucky to have made it out alive 

For the longest time

Mine and my families life was bedlam 

So chaotic

So dysfunctional 

So all over the place

But we rode the storm

And came out the other side stronger and closer than ever 

They saw that doctors hate to see a patient with an ED coming

As they are so hard to treat

And often the one person who has the key to recovery is the one person that doesn't want to recover 

EDs are complex and complicated illness

Every one is different 

Everyone is individual 

And even though the symptoms are the same 

Each case must be treated differently 

It's not easy

By nature 

We ED girls are secretive and private 

We don't want others to know our shameful secrets 

Heck we can barely admit them to ourselves

Never mind anyone else 

But if we want to recover

We need to take that leap of faith 

Bite the bully 

And take a chance on opening up to someone 

Over the years 

I have come to a point where I can talk and write pretty openly about my life, my addiction and my ED

Maybe I am too open 

I don't know 

But I do know for a fact

That talking about it helps

Opening up and sharing the weight of our troubles helps 

It lessens the burden 

It helps us let go

So 

Today 

I ask you

I urge you

To talk to someone 

Choose one person 

Someone you trust 

A family member 

A friend 

Maybe someone on the Internet 

Pick one person

And talk to them 

Tell them what's in your head

And what is breaking your heart

You won't regret it

And I promise you you'll feel better 

So do it

Don't even think about it

Or give yourself time to back out of it

Just do it

Even if it's an experiment to see what happens 

Just do it you have nothing to lose...

If you did happen to talk to someone today

Let me know how you got on

Who you spoke to

How it went 

How you felt afterwards 

Inquiring minds want to know...