Update

I guess a personal update is long over due

I had a few appointments with the professionals this week

My doctor on Monday

My psychiatrist on Tuesday

And Mary on Wednesday 

My psychiatrist is good

On the ball

Just like Mary

He had been talking about increasing my Prozac in an effort to get back on track

But this week

He decided against it

He made the point that I am on so many meds as it is 

And the goal should be to be medication free

I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't taking something

Prescribed or otherwise 

Probably in my teens 

If not before 

I really can't remember what it's like to be stone cold sober

The thought scares me though

I am afraid that I won't be able to cope on my own 

Without the addition of drugs

But I guess that's where occupation comes in 

If I am filling my days with something I love 

I'll be content enough to not want to escape my own head

And my own reality 

That's why the job would have been ideal

Speaking of which 

I haven't heard a dickiebird yet

I'm pretty sure I would have heard by now if I had got it 

But that's ok

I'll learn and move on 

And on to the next thing 

It was a big deal for me just to apply and do the interview

That in itself is progress 

I have been thinking about work a lot

And the dancing I used to do with the kids

I would love to do it again 

And am seriously thinking about setting up a couple of classes again 

I just don't know if I have the confidence though 

Or the energy 

I also feel that I would need some more training myself to be the best teacher I can be

Anyway

It's something to think about 

In other news 

I've neither lost nor gained weight in about a month 

And am weighing less and less 

Mary weighed me on Wednesday 

And I was 0.3kg more than last week

And I was wearing Harvey clothes and trainers 

So I was pretty much the same 

I've spoken to my mum and sister a good bit recently 

Needless to say

They are concerned 

And I'm trying alleviate that 

I don't want them to worry 

But they know I am struggling 

They know about the purging 

I don't even try to hide it anymore 

I know they know 

And they know I know they know

Confusing but true 

I also spoke to Mary this week about working in the stables 

Mary had heard of a former social worker who was setting up a stables

And wanted volunteers with mental health issues 

So Mary is going to ring them

Tell them about me

And then pass on my details 

You guys 

I am super duper excited about this 

It's right up my street 

And to work with animals 

And meet people like me 

Would be nothing short of amazing 

I can't wait to get started 

And get stuck in 

They say that the key to happiness 

Is not having what you want

But wanting what you have 

Growing up

And through out my twenties 

I wanted a completely different life

I didn't want to live in our average, middle class life 

Sometimes I wished we were filthy rich 

And sometimes we lived in the slums

Strange I know 

But I hated being in the middle 

I much targeted the extremes 

But recently 

I've been feeling incredibly grateful

So thankful and joyful and blessed 

For what I have 

Yes

There are a lot of people in the world who have a lot more than me

But compared to some

I have more than enough 

I know I say it a lot

But every day I thank my lucky stars 

That I have a strong family behind me

Especially my mother 

Who is a tower of strength

And the back bone of our family

I have two older sisters

An older brother 

And a father who I now get on well with after years of not 

I am grateful that I live in a happy, comfortable and safe home

That there's a roof over my head

And food in my fridge

I am grateful that I have my own bedroom

And sleep in a clean dry bed every night 

I am grateful that I have two happy dogs 

Who are the light of my life

And keep me sane and grounded

I am grateful for the professionals in my life

My long suffering doctor 

Mary who is endlessly patient

And my psychiatrist who fights my corner 

My family and I have come through a lot

The important thing is that we got through it

And came out the other side

We are stronger for it

One thing we never did was give up

We weathered the storm

Hung in there 

 Fought  until the bitter end 

And lived to tell the tale