Monday 4 April 2016

Day off

I only realised last night 
That Sunday's are not included in the A-Z challenge
I did C yesterday 
So I will take today off
And just do a regular post

I'm just out of the doctors 
And sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my meds
Today's topics included 
Horse riding 
Michaela MC Collumb, the Irish girl caught smuggling drugs back in 2013 who has just been released from prison in Peru
More of which later 
And methadone 
For the last few weeks 
My doctor has been talking about reducing it 
And every week I've come up with a different excuse not to
But today 
I was all out of excuses 
And so it was reduced from 26mls - 24mls 
Not a lot I know 
But as the amount gets smaller and smaller 
I worry 
Not that I ever notice the drop
It's more psychological than anything 
I am now almost at the point I was two years ago 
Back in 2014 
I was down to 22mls
And I panicked
So asked my doctor to increase it
He increased it to 34mls
And it's only now 
Two years later 
That I am almost back down to 24 mls 

As you know 
I have been on methadone for 11 years now
Every morning for the last decade 
I have taken it first thing every morning
Every Monday I have seen my doctor 
It has become part and parcel of my life
Just another part of my daily routine 
I can't lie 
I am nervous and anxious and afraid to think about life without methadone
Even though that is a long way off
It still scares me 
I would much rather come off my tablets first 
But I have to trust that my doctor knows what he is doing 
I guess I need to learn 
That I can handle life without relying on a substance 
Because up until  now 
I have always believed that
That I am not strong enough to handle life on life's terms
I guess I need to see for myself that I can manage without a drug or a drink

I saw Breda this morning also 
I was very close to cancelling 
As I didn't really feel like going 
But I know when I start thinking like that 
I am in dodgy territory 
So I went 
I told her what's been happening recently
About the course I have put my name down for 
Which is the local women's centre
It's communications and IT
And it runs two afternoons a week for a year 
It sounds like a great course 
And the women's centre is a lovely place
So the next thing on my agenda 
Is to find out about the job
And if it's still happening 
I am on a disability payment 
And can only work a certain amount of hours each week
So I need to find out about that 
Hopefully I will be able to do everything 
But if I have to stop something
I'm afraid it will be the job
But I still have some time to sort things out 
So watch this space 

It was great to see Breda 
And to tell her about all the positive things that are happening
I feel like I am the most stable that I have been in years
Even my ED is somewhat under control
The purging is at a minimum 
I'm not weighing myself 
And more importantly not caring what I weigh 
My clothes fit 
My skin, hair and nails are healthy 
I feel good 
Neither underweight or overweight 
I'm sleeping well
I wake up in the morning excited for the day
I feel alive 
I feel positive and hopeful for the future 
I feel like i am living 
Rather than existing 
Enjoying life 
Rather than enduring it
Life is good 
And that is an amazing thing to be able to say 
So 
It's onwards and upwards from here 
Things are really coming together for me 
The jigsaw pieces are falling in to place 
And the picture that is my life is becoming clear 
With help from a small army of help and supporters 
I am finding my way 
Finding out who I am
What I am all about 
I feel like I might have a shot at having a good life 
A happy life 
That's all I want 
To feel ok in my own skin
To be able to lay my head down at night 
Knowing I did my best that day to be a good person
And not hurt myself or anyone else 
I am slowly but surely putting my life back together 
I really think I can do this 
I think I can be a good and honest person 
I've come a long way 
And it's taken years to finally figure out what I want 
And where I want to go
But I am getting there 
Great strides start with baby steps 
And my baby steps are happening 
One at a time 


11 comments:

  1. Hi Ruby,

    I don't mean this to come across as harsh, but is one of the reasons why you are re-thinking the job is because your disability will be cut? I wrote something similar in August, to which you replied with your post entitled "Honesty is the best policy". You can't stay on benefits forever Ruby, I'm sorry, but you can't. This job could really boost your sense of purpose in life, and I know you worked really hard to get it. You need a job to get experience, which will lead on to better things. I honestly think that you should use this, given that it is only temporary and not full-time. The course will always be there. The job, will not.

    Louisa x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Louisa,

      Thanks for your comment
      You don't come across as harsh
      I know you don't mean to either
      I guess I am just trying to fit everything in
      I really want to do this course
      But you are right
      I did work hard to get that job
      And it would be a damn shame if it didn't happen
      To be honest
      I'm hoping I can do everything
      I think I can work 20 hours and still keep my benefit
      I know I need to get off the benefit at some point
      I guess I am just being very cautious
      Because once you stop the benefit
      It is nigh on impossible to get back on it
      I suppose I am worried as the job is seasonal
      And come September
      The job will finish
      But
      I need to find out some more information
      And I will make a decision then
      Thanks for your candour Louisa
      It is appreciated x

      Delete
    2. if the job is seasonal they cannot cut your benefit. if you do not take this job opportunity, you will never realise what you are capable of. you can do it. you are just too scared to fail. i second Louisa. you cannot stay on benefit forever. this is scary but all new and good things are. avoiding feels good at first, but it will destroy you in the long run. and deep down you know this!! best of luck, you have come so far - keep going! courses come and go, but this job does not AND it could mark a huge change for the best!!!!

      Delete
    3. I am still thinking it over Julia
      I would love to do everything
      But I don't know if thats possible
      I still want to have the time to do my horse riding
      Spend time with my dogs
      And have a day yo recharge my batteries
      I still have a little bit of time to work this out
      And hopefully it will all work out x

      Delete
  2. The way I see it...whether you end up taking the class or the job, or finding a way to manage both...it will work out! Both are good things and have potential. I also think that if for some reason neither of those things happen...things will still be great for you because you are on a great path.

    I don't know. Am I being too annoying with the positivity? I really think that you can have success no matter what direction you go right now, simply because whatever you do you seem to be approaching with courage and a good mindset. I hope this makes sense. :)

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    Replies
    1. It does make sense SW
      You always make sense
      And you are right
      It's great to have options
      Yo be able to choose what I want to do
      It wasn't too long ago that I had nothing to do
      Now I many choices x

      Delete
  3. I've no advice on how to juggle all of those things in the best possible way. I've had to juggle jobs/uni/etc and I only ever did it by trial and error, and I can't say my choices were all good ones. Usually I had to go with the path of most money, but the disability/dole situation here is far different from Ireland's. Maybe try making a chart, listing the pros and cons of every possible choice. Sometimes seeing it laid out like that can help you get a better feel of the situation as a whole.

    Good on you for no more weighing!! Honestly, from reading your blog the last many months, I really think it's the best choice for your recovery. The farther away you get from numbers, weights, and measures, the better. Hopefully that will also help to get the purging totally under control. You went nearly a week without purging when you got the lip ring--never forget that. Make it like a contest against yourself. Last time you went so many days, next time try for one more. And then one more after that.

    Good luck with the rest of the A - Z challenge! I had all my MS paint bible stories planned out, but it was just too much work to get finished. Maybe next year!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're not doing it anymore Mich?
      No worries
      There is always next year
      I guess you picked a difficult theme too
      I don't really have a theme
      Just whatever I can think of that day

      Hope you are doing ok x

      Delete
  4. Coincidentally "Day off" starts with "D", so you're still in sync with your A-Z challenge, hehe :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha!!
      That's so funny!
      I didn't even realise that! X

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete

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