Friday, 2 September 2016


And so 
Autumn has arrived 
It's my favourite season of all
And on the 7th
I turn another year older
This has been a good year for me so far
It didn't start out well
But somehow i managed to turn things around 
I'm not entirely sure 
Most of the time I feel like I am being carried along by friends and family 
My feet barely touching the ground 
The biggest thing that happened this year
Is that I secured a job
And worked all summer
I met new people 
Made friends for life
I came out of my shell 
And really discovered who I am
And what I am all about 
I loved working 
Loved the holiday centre
And everyone in it
We all became like a little family 
Then of course it all came out the night of our staff party
Whose in to who 
Who likes who 
It all got very silly
But that's alcohol for you
In our workplace 
There are about ten females 
And two males
So there just aren't enough to go around 
But hey 
There are plenty more fish in the sea right?
Work is winding down now
I only have a couple more weeks until I am again jobless
I can't lie 
I am going to miss it so much 
And I will continue to look for year round work
Work has given me a great sense of satisfaction 
As well as making me more confident and independent 
It's not an easy job
It's both physically and mentally demanding 
We are constantly running up and down stairs 
Picking up
I swear my fitness has increased marginally this summer
And then there is the emotional side of the job
We are dealing with vulnerable people
People who have a mental or physical disability 
People who are dealing with addiction or some other mental health issue
And I find that people are very open
They want to chat 
They want to tell you their story 
Of course I am happy to listen
Maybe these people don't have anyone to talk to at home 
Maybe they don't get a chance to unwind and relax
And get away from the daily grind
I've heard some very sad stories this summer 
Stories that would break the coldest of hearts 
I must say 
It's been a pleasure to help these people enjoy a well earned holiday
And it's thanks to the charity that I work for that they do get a holiday
Work is coming to an end now
I officially finish up in two weeks 
It's going to be hard to adjust to life without work again 
But I'll be back next year for sure 
Just try and stop me...

In other news 
Starting next week
I stead of doing one horse riding lesson on a Wednesday morning 
I will be spending half the day out there 
Which means I get to do two lessons 
One on my own 
And I also get to help out in the stables 
And the care of the horses 
I don't have words to describe how excited I am to be spending more time at the stables 
The horses 
The people 
The trainers 
Everything comes together to make it such a special place 
I am just so happy when I am out there 
I park my troubles at the gate
I get up on Star
And I just ride 
There is nothing going on in my head 
Other than how much I am enjoying it
The horses have been a life line for me
I can't emphasise how important it is to find healthy replacements for dangerous habits and behaviours 
I have tried going cold turkey 
'White knuckling' it as they say 
Trying to get through on sheer will power alone 
Will power will get you so far 
But we need to find reasons to stay well
Or stay clean and sober 
As I'm sure every addict whose ever attempted recovery knows 
Giving up drugs is one part 
Probably the easier part 
The hard part is trying to figure out how to get through life without relying on substances 
In my case 
I was lucky 
In that I got the chance to do a methadone programme 
And that has worked for me
Again I was lucky in that I had the opportunity to move area
And get away from my old using life 
I had a fresh start
And even though moving is not the answer 
It helped me enormously 
Learning to live in reality was my biggest hurdle 
I had spent so long numbing myself with drugs, pills, food and lack of food
I couldn't handle reality 
At least my own reality
I found life boring 
Especially given the drama and the rollercoaster of emotions that ensued in addiction and disordered eating 
Getting used to life on life's terms is not easy 
The need to escape is huge 
Even now I use sleep as an escape 
Well hey
That's pretty anodyne compared to injecting class A's in to your neck
I do love sleep though 
I love to dream 
Even the not so nice dreams are fun
As you wake up and realise that it was in fact just a dream

I keep going off on tangents here 
But I do have a dilemma 
And need your help
It's not life or death or anything like it 
So I bought a coat during the week
That cost €90
Then today 
In the post 
I received a letter in the list from the guards 
Informing me that I had been caught speeding 
70km in a 50km zone 
With a fine of €80
Here in lies my dilemma
Should I return the coat and pay my fine?
Or should I keep said coat and save up money over the next couple of weeks to pay the fine?
I kind of feel like I don't deserve the coat   
That I should pay in some way
So I'd be interested to know what you think
To keep or not to keep the coat
That is the question.....


  1. You've done so well and grown so much. I hope you find some other work soon- there is always a lot of care work going and I wondered if you could do that?
    As for the coat and the fine, it's nearly winter so we need a coat. And sometimes we have unexpected expenses. (I'm excited though- does this mean you passed your test?! Freedom!) cx

    1. Don't worry
      I was accompanied
      And I am just waiting on a date for my test
      I think I'm going to return the coat though x

  2. Have never heard of the word anodyne before but plan to use it more often.

    1. Yay!!
      I love a good word too!
      Enjoy using it! X

  3. 70 in a 50?? Jeeez Ruby! I hope you were driving accompanied, as if you weren't and they find out that you're still a Learner you will be in big trouble.

    If it were me, I'd take the coat back. But I am just super sensible and have an annoyingly strong conscience. You have to take into account that you will only have two more weeks of wages, so saving to pay the fine night not be such a valid option? Louisa xx

    1. I know Louisa
      I know
      Shame on me
      But I'll tell you one thing
      It has slowed me right down
      So if I learn a lesson from it
      At least that's something

      And yes
      I was accompanied
      I haven't passed my test yet
      I am waiting on a date
      I'm also going to return the coat
      I just don't feel like I deserve it
      Thanks for your 2 cents
      Hope you are well x

  4. I've been away for too long. It's good to come back to your words, and it's so lovely to see you doing so well and making such positive steps. I've said it before, but all we can do is keep on putting one foot in front of the other. And sometimes we'll lose our footing our wobble on a weak ankle, but as long as we're focused on going forward and regaining our balance, that's good; that's more than good, that's a pretty fabulous way of walking through your life.

    Also: I know you're veering towards the other option, but I think it's important that you keep the coat. It's not like you're not going to pay the fine. If you return the coat, you're turning it into a punishment for a small mistake, you're continuing the tradition of exacting punitive measures for the smallest slights. The fine is the punishment - pay it as you can afford it. Don't make it a double punishment. There are consequences and there are exercises in self-retribution that serve no-one. Why would the universe ever want you to subtract beauty and add suffering from the equation of your life? Answer: it wouldn't. It never would.

    1. Hello Cheryl,

      So lovely to hear from your
      I get great comfort from your words
      And I sincerely hope that life is being good to you
      And that you are happy in whatever you are doing

      As for the coat
      I'm still undecided
      But you made the same point as a good friend of mine
      That I don't need to punish myself
      The fine is the punishment
      So I will have a think about it
      Of course I will pay the fine either way
      It just sucks as it takes me a full days work to make €80

      So lovely to hear from you
      I wish you well
      And thanks for your kind words x

    2. I'm doing wonderfully, thanks Ruby - although I've been away from blogger for too long! I've been writing like the furies, and have just signed a contract for my first book, a collection of poems due to be published in the Spring. Am almost done with a novel, and I've just started a sort of un-fairytale...thing. I'm not sure about that one yet.

      Lovely to see you doing so well, you seem to have come along in such leaps and bounds - sometimes it's hard to track your own progress, as the day-to-day of it is slow, but as someone who hasn't been reading your entries for a few months, I can say that you've really blossomed xx

  5. I feel like returning the coat would be a form of self punishment really. My advice would be to keep it and save up for the fine. Does suck though... In my opinion speeding is easily done. My parents have done in accidentally on many an occasion, and they're not bad drivers.

    It is good to hear from you, and I agree with the boredom side of things. Sometimes I wonder if I created drama in the past subconsciously because I needed it... But yeah, breaking the addiction and eating better are the easy parts, it's dealing with reality and working out who you are that is the struggle. I feel you are flourishing. Continue to do so.


  6. Keep the coat and pay the fine

  7. You've got the Irish lead foot..... (I do as well. Now I have a radar detector.)

    I couldn't give a definite answer on the coat. Depends on the coat in question. A couple years ago, I was dithering with spending a lot of money on a good winter coat, and in the end while it was more than I had ever spent on a coat, it was well worth it. I still have the coat, and it's wonderful in all weather. So if your coat is something of good quality that will last you some years, I'd say keep it. If not, I'd say return it to pay the ticket.

    Also it's the 7th now by you, so HAPPY BIIIRRRRTHHDAAAYYY!!!!!!!! Spoil yourself. xoxoxoxoxoxo


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