Saturday, 15 October 2016

Getting ready for Monday

The last few days have been spent getting ready to start my course Monday 
The logistics 
Sorting out travel 
My money 
My meals and how I'm going to manage those 
And generally psyching myself up to be on good form 
And ready to take on anything my course throws at me
Terror and anxiety is gradually giving way to excitement and eagerness 
I can't wait to start 
I can't wait to throw myself in to it 
To be in the midst of everything horsey for the next 18 months
As well as it being right up my street 
I know it's also going to be tough
Early mornings 
Getting up in the dark 
Coming home in the dark 
Long days 
Physically and emotionally it's going to be hard going 
But I am so ready for the challenge 
So ready to learn and grow 
And become a capable horse rider 
I just have such a good feeling about this 

Yesterday 
I had a moment of weakness 
And I weighed myself 
My mother also weighed herself 
And I weigh more than her 
This bothered me for about half an hour 
But then I realised that it really doesn't matter 
Not one little bit 
I am right smack bang in the middle of what is a healthy weight for my height 
I am taller than my mother 
I also came to the realisation 
That if I want to do my course 
If I want to be a competent horse rider 
I need to keep my strength up 
I need to keep my body fuelled 
If I stop eating 
Or start purging more 
Then I can say goodbye to my course 
Goodbye to my health 
My happiness 
My families happiness 
There are bigger issues I have to
Address 
Like being able to contribute to looking after my Dad 
I'm needed 
If I am not eating properly 
I can't do any of this 
It could be argued that addiction and EDs are extremely selfish 
I both agree and disagree with this 
I know it took me a long time to realise they my addictions effected more than just me 
It had a ripple effect on to everyone around me 
And my family were stone cold sober through it all 
I was off my face 
And oblivious to the hurt and pain I was causing 
Now I know if I want to pick up a drug 
Then it's not just my life I'm ruining 
But those around me also 
And that is too high a cost to pay 
So 
I am not getting back on the merry-go-round of weighing myself 
No good can come of it 

Today 
I am taking it easy 
And gathering my strength for Monday 
I know some of you expressed concern that this horsemanship course might be too much for me 
And I know I will struggle with aspects of it 
But I have to follow my heart 
And go with what I feel is right 
I could do the computer course I applied for 
Which would only be two days a week 
But computers don't excite me 
Horses excite me 
Riding excites me 
Anything to do with animals excites me 
So i am going to go for it 
I know I would regret it if I didn't 
I feel I have a good foundation in riding now 
Although 
When I go out to the new stables 
I'm not going to say that I have experience 
I'll play down the fact that I have a little bit of experience 
Just so the don't push me too much 
I just can't wait to get started though 
I have such a good feeling about it!

Anyway 
That's it from me for today 
Hope you all have a lovely Saturday 
And see you on the next post....

12 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing it is very brave of you .....http://sydneyeatingdisorders.care/

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  2. happy happy you ! how exciting wish it was me! think of you mon and can't wait to hear about it xx jo

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Jo
      For your continued support
      You are amazing! X

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  3. I can't wait to hear all about it. I just know you're gonna ace it. Good luck for Monday! :)

    xxxx

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  4. Good luck I'm sure you will love it. Forget about the weight. At 34 years old it's getting a bit immaterial anyway. X

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  5. PS going away for some months! So very best of luck! Look forward to reading your posts when i get back.

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  6. PS going away for some months! So very best of luck! Look forward to reading your posts when i get back.

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    1. Where you going Shelby?
      Don't be a stranger
      Keep in touch won't you?
      You will be missed x

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