Monday, 6 February 2017

Monday

I really do apologise for my lack of posting
I guess I have been busy living 
And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used to
Back when I was in the midst of my illness 
I had nothing but time 
And posted every day
Because all I had in my life was the disorder 
It's was all I thought about 
Talked about 
Wrote about 
Read about 
But now
Well
Things are a lot different 
I have regained weight to a healthy BMI
I no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight 
I used to purge up to 20 times a day 
Now it's a rarity rather than the norm
What a transformation it has been 
A crazy ride 
But I made it out the other side
I lived to tell the tale 
Now I don't think about food the way I used to
Food used to be the enemy 
Something to be feared 
Because food meant weight 
And weight was bad
Skinny was good 
And underweight was even better 
It was a safe place 
I was a sick person
That became my identity 
But rewind about 15 years
And after dabbling in drugs for a few years
I become addicted to heroin
While using 
I stayed in various different drug houses 
Where the number one priority was drugs 
Not food 
Not heating 
Every penny went on the drug 
So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house 
Then when the money ran out 
I would go home to recharge my batteries 
I can do clearly remember going home 
And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge 
I was so hungry 
But I felt so guilty that I had food 
And my drug using friends didn't 
This was the start of my associating food with guilt
And I've never been the same since 
My eating disorder began here 
Although it took me a long time to make the connection
But I know now that food is not the issue 
It's a symptom of a greater problem 
For me
I know I have an addictive personality 
Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality 
I have low self esteem
And long to get away from my own thoughts 
I've been addicted to many things over the years 
Shoplifting 
Exercising
Shopping
Spending money 
Drifter chocolate bars 
Enemas 
Laxatives 
Prescription meds 
I could go on and on...
The moral of the story is that I need to be careful
If I get a good feeling off something 
I tend to want it again and again 
And quickly get addicted
But at least now I am aware
And can keep an eye on my behaviour 
I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away 
Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy 
For me
I filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general 
And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking 

In other news 
I've been visiting Coco a good bit 
I usually go over three times a week
And being Mam and the dogs 
I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds 
In the morning 
We give him a bucket of feed 
And an apple or a carrot 
After that it's play time 
And I run around the field with him and the dogs 
Coco has really taken a shine to Lea 
He follows her everywhere 
And one day when we sitting down 
He started to groom her 
Which was just adorable 
It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playing
He seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets 
And I love to se him so happy 
Last week
I brought a grooming mitt over 
And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest 
I swear that pony has so much potential 
To watch him with Lea is just beautiful 
And he is so gentle with her   
Cocos owner Gordon  and me have been talking about getting him a companion
Gordon says it's up to me 
If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding 
Well 
I don't need to tell you 
My eyes nearly popped out
And the excitement was massive!
The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?
That is the dream right there!
But look
I know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to 
Ok 
So I have land 
And plenty of it 
I have a companion 
I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course 
And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses 
I did get some good news last week
Thdtbi have my job again in the summer 
Starting May 
This is fantastic news!
And it means I will get a chance to save money
So
The plan is to work as many hours as I can 
Save every penny 
And hopefully at the end of the season 
I will have €2000-€3000 saved 
Enough to adopt a horse 
And to get started  
There are some great horse sanctuary in this country 
And I have contacted a couple of them 
So I will keep my options open 
But you guys 
How exciting is this?
Possibly getting my very first horse!
I never though that this could actually happen 
Having my own horse. 
Would give me a reason to stay well
A reason to get up in the morning
I feel super excited 
But I won't rush in to anything 
I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says 
This is not something to be decided on a whim
I need to be prepared 
I need the funds 
And the time and energy 
It's a massive commitment and responsibility 
I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible 
I can't wait to see what this year brings 

Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?
Do let me know if you are out there and still reading 
Let me know that I am not alone...


11 comments:

  1. I love how you say 'my very first horse' rather than 'a horse'. I can see you having a whole pasture full of them by the time you are your mother's age.

    So wonderful to read how well you are doing. Very inspiring.

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    Replies
    1. Aw thanks JJ
      I've never been so content
      I don't even give my ED a second thought these days
      Which is great

      How are you doing?
      I hope all is well with you x

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  2. still there and still reading! and delighted in your transformation, and your news, x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for being there
      It means a lot x

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  3. happy you are happy and horsey! lots to look forward to xxjo

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Jo
      And yes
      So much to be grateful for and to look forward to
      Hope you are well Jo Jo x

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  4. "Now it's a rarity rather than the norm" i am so happy to hear this, because i've been worried about your purging behaviours sometimes. i'm hoping that one day you'd be able to say you don't even remember the last time you purged. or it's been years since! xx you deserve that.

    i'm reading this and i just don't have anything to comment on other than i am so so happy for you.

    oh God, that is extremely exciting! i hope it works out well for you! i love seeing you this excited.

    yes, blogger is being quiet. as usual these days!

    the days where if you don't go on blogger for 3 days, and you end up having to need to catch up on 3 days' worth of posts, you'd spend half the evening just doing that... not including commenting! xxx

    i love you. :)


    -Sam Lupin

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Sam
      For your kind words
      You have such a good heart
      It shines out of you
      If I am right
      You are studying medicine
      I think you will make an amazing doctor
      You have so much empathy
      Which is much better then sympathy
      Thanks you

      I love you too my dear x

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  5. I'm still here!! I haven't blogged in forever though, just too much info to sort out. Anyway...I'm super excited for your very own horse possibility. *hugs*

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  6. i am here! still reading and loving that fact that you keep writing ! you are an inspiration!

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  7. I think it's a good thing that your life is so full and busy that blogging can fall off the radar. You've been through so much, and it's wonderful to hear things are going so well now.

    Getting a pony of your own sounds amazing! Wow. Fingers crossed it happens at the end of the summer!

    I'm still here, but posting has been few and far between due to random crises constantly popping up.

    xx

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Thank you for leaving some love x