Friday, 5 May 2017

May

Hello friends
I don't know how many of you still check my blog
God knows I haven't been the best blogger
This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April
And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years 
In some ways it seems like one hundred years 
In other ways it feels like five minutes
As you know well
Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing 
You eat, sleep and breathe it
You think about it 
Talk about it 
Write about it 
It's like having a full time job with no days off
My own ED is in quite a good place 
I don't restrict 
And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely 
It's a lot better than it was
It's the exception rather than he rule
But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy
When you begin to let it go
There is a huge void left 
And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well
For myself 
I tried many things to fill the void
Meds 
Religion
Meetings 
Shopping 
Stuff
But the only thing that really works for me 
Is being with and working with animals 
Namely my dogs  
Coco 
Horse riding 
And equine assisted therapy
I visit Coco every morning with my dogs 
And I have developed such a lovely bond with him
Two weeks ago
I got a head collar on him for the first time 
Which was a huge milestone 
And an indicator that he is starting to trust me
Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope
Also to pick up his feet
As he is seeing the farrier next week
It's a work in progress
But I am loving every second of it
Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To a happy cheeky little man 
He is full of fun
And never fails to make me smile 
We think he has a little crush on Lea
As he loves her 
And follows her everywhere 
It's so lovely to watch them together
Best buddies

In other news
I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday 
And third week I did my first jump in canter!
Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more 
I am loving riding at the moment 
And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling
I also start work at the end of the month
I must admit 
I feel very anxious thinking about it 
And feel like running in the opposite direction 
I will take it one day at a time 
And see how I go
There is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months 
To be honest I would rather take that work 
I'll know next week
So I'll make a decision then

What else?
Body image continues to be a battle 
I am now a very healthy weight
But am still getting used to th curves and shapes 
Trying to dress my body to make the most of it 
It's not easy 
And sometimes I think about restricting 
But I figure it is just not worth it 
I would rather be healthy and happy 
Rather than skinny and miserable 
And now I realise that it's not just about me
My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me 
Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me
I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can 
So I just wanted to check back in
And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction
If you are struggling 
If you are drowning 
If you feel like there is no hope for you
I am here to tell you this there is hope 
There is absolutely hope 
I am walking talking proof of that 
If you have read my blog
You will know the shit story was my life 
I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap
But now I know that I am a good person 
And in my own little way I am making a difference 
Spreading a message of hope and recovery 
Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone 
And spare them some of the pain that I went through
For me
The trick was finding something that captured my attention 
And gave me a reason to stay well
A reason to get up in the morning
A raison d'etre
Because when you find something you are passionate about 
Something that warms your heart 
Stimulates your mind 
And feeds your soul
Then that is worth living for 
That is worth staying well for 

I truly hope you are al doing ok
I think of you often 
I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family 
And I will neve forget you 
Please let me know if you are out there 
If you at reading 
Writing 
Let me know you exist 

Much love,

Ruby

9 comments:

  1. <3 thank you for this - it is beautiful
    so glad x

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  2. I am so glad there seems to be a good balance in your life. Animals are great healers.

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    Replies
    1. They sure are CP
      Hope you are doing ok? X

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  3. The last part of this post, I could've written myself. I'm so glad that we have been able to find our reason to keep fighting. To stay well. You've come such a long way Ruby and I have loved watching you on your journey. Love you!
    XOXO Katie

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    Replies
    1. Love you too Katie
      I am so delighted and proud of you girl! X

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  4. Ruby, I check your blog every few days. I've found your story very inspiring, and I love to read about what you are creating in your life as you overcome your "demons".

    I read your blog from a different perspective. I'm a man whose wife (age 34) has purged off & on for a good portion of her adulthood, but she's trying very hard to keep it in check. I try to continually show her my love, understanding, and unconditional support, but because of my own baggage and food issues, it's extremely upsetting to me when I know she's purging. My own body image is not the healthiest, and it seems like we trigger each other sometimes. I think she has only purged about twice since February, and she usually wants to "confess" it to me after some time has passed when she used that release. When you update us about your own ED, you often say purging has not been eliminated completely, but much reduced. Maybe it's possible that one behavior of ED doesn't necessarily have to reach absolute zero occurrence, yet a person can regain a healthy relationship to their body and eating?

    Anyway, you often mention that you're not sure how much your posts are still being read. I'm probably one of several readers who doesn't reply or make our presence known, but what you publish still has a big impact on our lives. Thank you for continuing to write :-) You touch people across a great distance who you will never meet in person. As long as this feels of benefit to you, never doubt that blogging is worthwhile.

    -Tory

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    Replies
    1. Hi Tory,

      I hope you see this reply
      First of all thank you so much for your heartfelt comment
      It truly warmed my heart to know that my blog has helped you deal with your wife and your own struggles
      I can only speak for myself but I think I will always be a bit ED disordered
      But not so much that it effects my life
      I do still purge the odd time
      And I'm sure some would argue that is still having one foot in my ED
      But just like being on a methadone programme
      I am as well and as clean and sober as I can possibly be

      Again thank you for your comment and for sharing some of your story
      I wish you and your wife much health and happiness
      Never give up hope
      I know it can be difficult being in a couple with the disorder
      Just remember to look after yourself
      And hopefully your wife will too

      Take care and again, I hope you see this x

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    2. Hi Ruby,

      Thanks for writing back :-) It's good advice to look after myself, which I am trying to. I'll continue to follow you on the blog, or eventually Facebook if that's where you write more. Best wishes to you!

      -Tory

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Thank you for leaving some love x