And then she disappeared

I often read someone's blog and wonder where they got their title from
Obviously it means something very personal to that person and I'm intrigued to know the story behind it
When I was choosing my own title, I had a few in the running
Beauty from pain
Wearing thin
Or simply anorexia and me
Anyone of those would've been fine but I kept coming back to And then she disappeared
Why?
I was planning to disappear
Simple as that

I started writing this blog about a year ago having been reading blogs for quite a while
I was adamant that it was not going to turn in to a pro ana blog but reading back on my first couple of months of posts, I can see that I was coming very close
I guess a saw a community of people and wanted to fit in so I wrote about fasting and wanting to be skinny
But over time this blog turned in to something different
I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of girls egging each other on to lose weight
It makes me feel slightly sick
We would never encourage someone to pick up a drug (well most of us wouldn't) or to get depression
or any other mental illness
So why is it ok to encourage weight loss?
I think that most people who are 'pro ana' don't necessarily have an eating disorder because of they did they would never wish it on any one else
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy never mind someone who I care about



I admit that I am not in recovery
Or if I am I am failing miserably
I suppose some would say that makes me pro ana by definition
But I am not or never will be pro ana
Then I might as well be pro heroin addiction or pro obesity

I admit that I am struggling
That I am no poster girl for recovery
I feel caught in between my illness and recovery
In limbo
A wish washy, no man's land
Neither here nor there
Stuck in anorexia's waiting room
And I am not an in between kind of person
I'm quite black or white
All of nothing
So being in this place is infuriating
I hate it



Anyway I'm going off the point here
I choose the title of my blog because I was planning to disappear
I had no desire to go on
I just wanted to slip away quietly
But that has changed too
For the longest time I couldn't find one reason to stay here
I felt like a burden to my family
I genuinely thought that they would be better off without me
Now I'm not so sure
Now I have 2 things that keep me going
My dogs
And the thought that maybe I could help others in my position
The only problem with that is that I have to help myself first in order to help anyone else
Easier said than done
I can think of a million reasons for you to recover but when it comes to myself I struggle to find any

I started writing mainly because I was lonely
I had pushed most of my friends away and I was very much alone
I was struggling to keep it together and I needed someone to talk to
For some reason I find it much easier to tell the internet all my problems than talk to someone face to face
But I have to say that this blog is no substitute for human contact
It's great to have this outlet but I think that we need actual human contact
A hug
A shoulder to cry own
That feeling of connection
I have met some amazing people through this blog and for that I am grateful
People that have given me the courage to break the silence of my own struggles without fear of judgement
Mary wonders if this blog is not unhealthy
And there was a time when I thought it was too
I've had to be strict with myself and avoid blogs that I find triggering
Although I'm sure mine can be triggering too

With all that said I was wondering about you
How did you come up with the title of your blog?
And why did you start your blog?
Has it been a positive or negative in your life?

Don't call me crazy

As you probably know I love a good documentary
Especially ones about eating disorders and mental health
Last night there was one called 'Don't call me crazy' shown on BBC3
It followed a year in the life of patients in the McGuinness unit in Manchester, which is a unit for young people with mental illness
In this first episode we were shown the girls unit
I think the next episode next week is about the boys

We were introduced to a few of the patients but the documentary mostly concentrated on Beth's story



Beth was 17 years old and suffered from anorexia and depression
She had been in the unit for 2 months when they took up her story
She stayed for 6 months and was discharged in April of this year
Beth was a pretty blonde with big brown eyes
She came across bubbly and out going
She described the voice in her head
It told her she was fat and useless
She was refusing food and wouldn't even go in to the dining room
As you can imagine there was constant tug-of-war between her and the staff
She also refused to give blood tests and wouldn't allow staff to weigh her
After being given chances to make changes herself, her team decided that she needed to be sectioned
That meant that she was no longer a voluntary patient and the staff could force her to eat
We saw her sitting at the table one day
The staff member with her could only persuade her to eat 2 piece of carrot
If Beth didn't eat then she was expected to drink the same amount of calories in a supplement drink
She fought them all the way
She must have started make progress though as I know she was discharged in April and is doing quite well
She has returned to her beloved dancing also

I have to admit that when I first saw Beth, I thought to myself 'She's not that bad'
Partly because she didn't look emaciated and appeared to be relatively healthy
But I know that this is no way to measure how sick someone is
Looks can deceiving
Beth was obviously struggling
Her bubbly personality was obviously hiding a lot of pain
People do not stop eating for no reason
And it is a huge myth that you have to be extremely thin to have an ED
I know for myself that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight
But doctors only really grew concerned about me when my  weight plummeted
It's so sad that we never feel that we are 'sick enough'
That we don't deserve the title of anorexia

Another girl was in for OCD
She described how she had to do things a certain number of times and it was ruling her life
She made good progress and was discharged

The unit was a tightly run ship
Doors were kept locked
The patients weren't allowed outside on their own
Their rooms were searched regularly
Patients frequently tried to harm themselves
They used anything they could get their hands on
At one point 2 girls escaped the unit
One was found quickly but a girl called Gillian managed to give staff the slip
8 hours went by and she still could not be found
Staff were very concerned as this girl had taken an overdose recently and they feared she would try again
Their fears were realised when they got a phonecall that Gillian was in the local hospital after taking another overdose

What was nice about the documentary was the bond that the girls had together
They supported each other and took care of each other
I can remember that feeling from when I was in hospital
It was so refreshing to be in a place where people were just themselves
We were all in the same boat so there was no point in trying to hide our conditions
People spoke freely without fear of being judged or ridiculed
I have actually never felt as comfortable in my own skin as I did when I was in hospital
I could just be me
I could talk about my illness if I wanted to and people understood
In the real world it's very different
People don't talk about mental illness even though 1 in 4 of us are suffering
We have no trouble taking about physical health
So why not mental health?
And there is still a stigma attached to it
People are ashamed of their condition
I am quite open about my own struggles
I have no problem talking about them if I am asked
But people rarely ask
They think it's impolite or taboo to ask
But I would rather people asked than stay silent
I'm more than happy to answer questions

I remember when I was a child these were a couple of people in my town that were considered 'crazy'
One woman was known as 'Mad Mary'
She lived alone and was rumoured to have put her baby in the oven to keep it warm
Another man was called Tommy and he walked around the town muttering to himself
Looking back now, I can see that they were both mentally ill
They weren't crazy
I don't think that crazy exists and if it does then we are all crazy
I think people are afraid of mental illness because it's not something that they can easily understand or explain
So people pretend that it's not there

I though that this documentary was good
I think it gave an accurate account of what life is like inside one of there units
Beth's story was particularly sad
She was such a beautiful looking girl yet all she could see when she looked in the mirror was fat
I hope for her sake that she manages to overcome this and doesn't become stuck in the recover/relapse cycle
The outlook is hopeful though
Because she has caught her illness early there is every chance that she will make a full recovery
And I hope and pray that she does
There are so many of us suffering
Some in silence
I'm glad that this documentary was sown because if nothing else it will get people talking
And that has to be a good thing

Healthline.com

I was delighted to receive an email from Tracy over at Healthline.com today
Andthenshedisappeared has been nominated as one of the top20 eating disorder blogs on the web 2013
Here is the link address


http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-eating-disorders-blogs

Thanks Tracy, this truly made my day!

Numbers

My life is pretty much ruled by numbers so I thought I would do a post dedicated to them
Are you like me?
Do numbers feature heavily in your life?
Answers on a postcard please.......

43:  Weight in Kilos

81/50:  Blood pressure today

77: Pulse

8:  Cups of tea I drink every day

30:  Number of mls of methadone I take every day

7.5:  Number of mgs of olanzapine I take every day

15:  Number of mgs of mirtazapine I take every day

60:  Number of minutes I walked with my dogs today

9.67:  Price of my groceries today

3:  Number of times I purged today

12:  Number of cigarettes I've smoked

40:  Cost of the dress in euros I wore today

2:  Number of enemas used today

4:  Number of appointments I had this week

16:  BMI

7:  Amount of kilos I've lost in the last 3 months

2: Number of naps I've had today

8:  Number of hours I slept last night

Doctor Day

It's Monday morning
And that means doctor day for me
My usual doctor is out sick and has been for the past 2 weeks so I've been seeing another lady
She is lovely
Last week I told her about my dizziness and weakness
Today she checked my blood pressure again which was really quite low
She decided to take some blood to check that everything is ok
My veins are shockingly bad
I guess years of injecting drugs have taken their toll on my poor arms
First she tried in the crook of my arm with a tiny butterfly needle
No joy there
Then she tried in the back of my hand
Still no luck
She decided to leave it and try again next week
Having blood taken is strange experience for me
When a needle is put in to my arm, I am used to feeling the amazing rush that comes with taking heroin
And when blood is taken, I almost expect to feel the same thing
But of course that doesn't happen
I was never really afraid of needles
They just didn't scare me
When I took heroin for the first time I smoked it
The next time I did it I injected
Injecting was a small price to pay for such an amazing buzz
As time went on my veins all collapsed and I had to find other sites
The biggest and juiciest veins were in my neck so that's where I used
Try to inject in my arms became virtually impossible
I remember spending hours poking and prodding trying to find a suitable vein
My arms were so bruised and full of punctures and scars
There is nothing as frustrating as being sick and not being able to get the drugs in to your  system
The act of injecting in itself can be quite addictive
I don't know why but there is something so satisfying about seeing the blood flow in to the barrel of the needle

This doctor I saw today really was helpful
My usual doctor never takes my blood pressure
Only takes blood if I ask him to
Rarely asks me about my ED
I've seen this doctor every week for the past 8 years
When I'm there we rarely talk about my health or medical matters
It seems that we have run out of things to talk about with that subject
We could talk about anything from films to books
It's a bit out of the ordinary I suppose
The lines are a lit blurred
I'm not sure why but I felt a lot more comfortable taking to this new doctor today
I often find that I can talk easier to a stranger than I can to someone I know
Maybe because I don't want to disappoint them
Maybe because I can't let them down
Maybe because she is a woman
She was very thorough
My own doctor is very laid back
This can be very confusing for me because I get different messages from him and from Mary
Mary calls my case 'acute'
And that it is urgent that I change my behaviours
On the other hand my doctor doesn't seem to worried
But as my mother says, my doctor is a GP and Mary is an expert so she obviously would have greater insight
Because my blood pressure was low the doctor today put me on a tablet called Midon
I'm not thrilled about being put on another medication and I don't even know of I'm going to take it
I'm on enough meds as it is
I would say that if any normal person took the amount of medication that I do every day, they would hit the deck for sure

I decided to invest in a blood pressure monitor to keep an eye on it
I found a neat little one for 19 euros in my chemist

Dr Ruby at your service

Add caption

We have another wedding coming up in December
What is it about weddings that strikes fear in to my heart?
I'm not 100% sure why
Maybe because it's a long day with lots of food
A lot of people
Although I have a few months to get myself in to a good frame of mind
The sick part of me wants to seeing how much weight I can lose in that time
But the rational part of me knows that if I work hard I could be in a good place by December and I could even enjoy myself
I've already been conjuring up ways that I could get out of going
But I think going in to treatment to get out of a wedding is pretty extreme
Anyway I'll see

I was feeling particularly large yesterday
As I walked my dogs I felt so big
I was sure that I had gained
So I decided tow eight myself
To my surprise  I had lost
It just didn't make sense to me
Not at all
It just goes to show that I can not trust my own eyes
Or even how I feel
The only way I can really judge is to weigh
I'm not actively trying to lose weight so I'm  not quite sure why my weight continues do drop
I am purging a lot though
Anything from 5 - 10 times a day
It seems to be getting worse
I don't even admit this to Mary
I tell her that I purge 3-4 times a day

Are you totally honest about your ED with many people?
Are you like me and find it really hard to be honest

Today

Day:  Friday

Wearing:  Jeans, t-shirt, trainers

Listening to:  Daft Punk, Haim




Mood:  Unidentifiable

Eating:  Tea and toast

Drinking:  Hot sweet tea

Smoking:  Benson and Hedges

Reading:  The Mystery of Mercy Close, Marian keyes

Watching:  New French drama, The Returned. So so good!

Exercise:  Walk with my dogs

Driving:  Opel Corsa

Going:  To see Mary

Wishing:  That I would get well

Hoping:  That I don't lose weight when Mary weighs me today

Thinking about:  Food (what else!)

Quote:

  

What are you eating, wearing, doing.....................today?

Monday

Day:  Monday

Mood:  In different

Song: Daft Punk, Get Lucky
Wearing:  New blue tracksuit

A new dayA new week
A fresh start
A chance to put the mistakes of last week behind us and start over
An opportunity to make new goals and a whole week to meet them
Although I do find Monday's quite triggering
I get my meds on a Monday so there is always the temptation to over use them
Today I've been good
I took them as prescribed

I saw my doctor this morning
My usual doctor is still off so I saw one of the women doctors
She was lovely
I explained about my dizzyness
She took my blood pressure
3 times actually
And it was low
She figures that I am dehydrated and told me to drink more water

The first thing I do every morning, even before I weigh myself is feel my hip bones
I find it's a good indicator as to whether I've gained or lost
This morning I felt like they were more prominent
I weighed and I had lost half a kilo
After maintaining for almost 3 weeks the number has finally dropped
It's bittersweet
I always imagine in my head how good it will feel to she the number decrease
But when it happens it's something of an anticlimax
And it's never enough
It's a moving target that gets lower and lower

My favourite time of the day is last thing at night
When my head hits the pillow, I have a feeling incredible relief
The day is over
Binging and purging is over
The demons is my head don't go away but they do subside a little
It feels so good to have gotten through that day in one piece
Lying in my warm cosy bed I can let all the anxiety go
All the stress
The strain
The endless tug-of-war in my head
The cooking
The cleaning
The never ending march from my kitchen to the bathroom
It all just melts away
Just for those few minutes before I fall asleep, I feel free
Free from the urge to eat and purge
Free from the voice abusing me
Free from the grip of this illness
This happens me sometimes
I get little glimpses of what my life could be like
The person that I could be
Just Ruby
Not Ruby the anorexic or Ruby the drug addict
But then I wake up the next morning and the whole cycle starts   again

I had to ask my mother for the loan of money this week
There are few things that I hate more than asking someone for a loan of money
At my age I should be able to budget and be responsible
But maintaining a raging bulimic's lifestyle is expensive
I got to the shop every day and buy food
I hate that I spend so much money on food
Food that gets flushed down the toilet
It's  literally money done the drain
And then the guilt and shame kick in
I just don't have the energy to do this anymore
My body is hurting
It's tried and cold and brittle
It's had enough
I've had enough