21

I guess I should explain
It all started during the week
I was in my bedroom looking through old diaries when I found this photo between the pages of one of them

It was taken the night of my 21st
Over ten years ago
I remember that night
Well parts of it
The house is a rented house that my mother and I shared
We moved out after my parents split up when I was 19
About a year before I had started using heroin

I remember my sister was home from Australia
My other sister was on her own path of destruction
This particular night all my friends came over
My mother even allowed my boyfriend in as an exception because it was my birthday
If I remember correctly I spent a lot of the night in the bathroom snorting cocaine
I wasn't eating either although I had no idea that I had an eating disorder

I guess in this photo I am about 80lbs
I don't know for sure
I never weighed myself back then

There aren't many photos of me during the drug years
And there definitely aren't any photos of me at my lowest weight
I kind of wish there were
Not that I want to be reminded of that time
But just to document it
I take photos every day now
I want to capture moments
So I don't forget them

Looking at this photo made me very sad
It was all ahead of me
Drug addiction
Anorexia
Bulimia
Now 10 years later I look back and it is all a blur
Like a dream
I remember bits and pieces
I have some memories that are ingrained on my brain
Sometimes I wonder how I made it out alive
Sometimes I wish I hadn't

After I found this photo I stared at it for ages
I kept it beside me
I wondered what was going through 21 year old Ruby's mind
Why was she so hell bent on self destruction?
Why didn't she like herself more?
Why did she hate herself so much?
I wonder what her life would have been like if she hadn't gone down this road
It just makes me so sad
And that's ok
It's ok

As I have said in previous posts my binging and purging has dramatically decreased
And that is amazing
I was talking to my Dad yesterday about it
He said that he had noticed too
He said that after he went to bed he used to hear me banging pots and pans and making food
And it's true
I used to wait or everyone to go to bed then binge and purge endlessly
So I thought I was doing better
I even went to a mindfulness course with my friend this week

But then I got thinking
Why am I not binging and purging so much?
Well, it's because I'm not eating as much
Not as much at all
My appetite is just not there
Is this anorexia tricking me?
Is she letting me think I am getting better but sneaking up on my from behind?
Am I just using my eating disorder in another way?
I'm not quite sure

Looking at this photo I can see how lost I was
In some ways I still am lost
I really want to move on
I want to grow up
I want to leave that girl behind
Or at least bring her with me

This is not a pity party
My life has been a walk in the park compared to some people
But it's all relative
I know that I am the person I am today because of the experiences I've had
I believe that it wasn't all in vain
I believe that everything happens for a reason
I believe that in a lot of ways I am very very lucky
And some where inside of me I do believe that I will be ok

My friend sent me a lovely text yesterday
To the effect that she is so happy that we are back in contact again
I still find it hard to believe that anyone would like me
How can they when I have so much self hatred?
I don't understand

I'm not sure that I am making a lot of sense here today
But I think that this
What I have been going through this week
Is all part of the healing process
And that's ok
I'm ok
Or at least I will be

Duped!

I thought I was ok
I really did
I actually believed that I had a chance
That things were turning around
But now I think it was just lies
It was anorexia trying to lull me in to a false sense  of security
She is so cunning
So sly
And I fall for it every time

Pretty hurts

Every so often a song comes a long that comments on societies pressure on women to be thin and beautiful

In the nineties it was Unpretty by TLC

In the noughties it was Beautiful by Christina Aquilera

More recently we had Little Me by Little Mix

And now Beyonce with Pretty Hurts

The video portrays Beyonce taking part in a beauty pageant

Her sash reads Miss 3rd Ward

We see her go to any lengths to win

She puts vaselline on her teeth

Gets botox injected in to her face

We also see her purging

Other girls eat cotton balls to fill their stomachs

Some are painfully thin

The girls all line up in the pageant

They look like Stepford wives

Smiles painted on their faces

Mechanically waving

Perfectly in synch

The song like all the others before it comments on the pressures facing women in this day and age

Pretty hurts
We shine the light on whatever's worse
Perfection is the disease of a nation
Pretty hurts, pretty hurts
We shine the light on whatever's worse
Tryna fix something
But you can't fix what you can't see
It's my soul that needs the surgery

The video directed by Melina Matsoukas shows Beyonce trying everything in her power to look flawless -but still can't achieve perection

Matsoukas said -

'Well I think we wanted to speak to as many women as we could and all the pain and struggle that we go through as women to maintain the impossible standard of beauty. We wanted to give it a darker edge and not give you the Disney version of that struggle'

I think it's great that Beyonce is addressing this subject

There has never been more pressure on women to be perfect

Everything we do is scrutinised

Our weight

Our shape

Our beauty

Eating disorders are on the rise and are effecting younger and younger boys and girls

It's impossible to escape the message that thin and beautiful equals success

It's so important to reassure our children that they are perfect just the way they are

I remember when I was in school weight was a hot topic

I studied ballet where my body was on constant show

You really need to be a strong person with good self esteem to avoid falling in to the beauty trap

Hopefully this song and video will get people talking about body image and eating disorders
Because all too often we feel we need to change the external to fix something that's internal
We go on diets
We measure our self worth in pounds and ounces
We deny ourselves food
We feel we have to be a certain size
We compare ourselves to air brushed photos in magazines
We try our best to be perfect when really there is no such thing

Have you seen this video?

What did you think?

Prozac

I've been on Prozac for about 8 weeks now
40mg which will be increased to 60mg next week
I was put on Prozac because my mood had hit an all time low
I couldn't see a way out
I couldn't see any other option other  than disappearing
I took a handful of sleeping tablets and hoped that I wouldn't wake up
But I did
I woke up
And I felt worse than ever
I also scared my mother half to death
I didn't want to be here anymore
Life
Reality
My addiction
My eating disorder
It was all too much
I was too much
My head was completely wrecked
My thoughts were endlessly negative
Swimming around my head on a loop
I truly thought that I was going mad

I had an appointment with Mary that week
I wasn't planning on telling her
I didn't want to tell any of the professionals as I was afraid they would stop my meds if they knew I was abusing them
But that day, I don't know why, but I told her
I couldn't hold back the tears
I told her I was abusing my meds
That I was thinking of overdosing again
She immediately sprang in to action
She rang my doctor
And my psychiatrist
Also my mother
She arranged an appointment to see my psychiatrist the next day
And asked if I could guarantee my safety until the following day
I said I could
Even as I was saying the words I knew I wasn't going to stick to them
I went home and popped a few extra pills
I didn't want to be awake
I didn't want to think
I just wanted to sleep

My mother came home from work
The next day she came with my to see my psychiatrist
He stopped my sleeping tablets
I regretted saying anything
He also put me on Prozac
He said it was very effective for people with eating disorders
The only other thing I remember about that meeting was that he said that I had 'many chronic conditions'
That has stuck in my head ever since
Sometimes I forget that I am mentally unwell
Sometimes I forget that my behaviour isn't normal
Sometimes I forget that I am different

I don't really remember the next few weeks
But I do remember that about 2 weeks ago I started to feel better
I didn't feel so down
Didn't feel like I wanted to die all the time
I felt like I had more energy
Like a fog had been lifted
It was a massive relief
To me and my family
I felt a little bit stronger
A little bit more positive
I felt hopeful for the first time in years
I felt like maybe I had a chance

There were other positive effects too
My purging has markedly decreased
Today I have only purged twice
That is only a fraction of what I had been purging
But there is a reason for this
I am not eating as much as I used to
I have noticed over the weeks that my appetite has decreased
I used to feel an overwhelming urge to binge
I just don't feel that now

I looked it up and loss of appetite is indeed a side effect of Prozac
The sick part of me thinks that this is freakin' fantastic
The sick part of me is wondering how much weight I could lose
The sick part of me is so very fucked up

I will continue to take the Prozac
Because lots of good things have happened
I am back to going to meetings
I'm seeing my friends
I'm starting a mindfulness course this Thursday
I feel like me again

I wrote a few posts ago about weight gain
I have gained weight
And even though everyone around me says that I haven't
I know that I have
I have
It's so tempting to say 'Fuck it' and go on a weight loss mission
I just feel like there is so much of me
I miss my little body
I miss feeling thin
Even though the scale says that I am still underweight
I don't feel it
And I want to feel it

It angers me that I would throw away my whole life just to be thin
But it's not just about being thin
It's an identity
It's a feeling of accomplishment
It's protection
It's what makes me different
It's what makes me me
And now having no appetite is massively triggering
That old familiar feeling of an empty stomach
It's a constant tug of war in my head

I was wondering if any of you out there are on Prozac
Have you noticed these side effects?
Please do let me know

Today

Day: Monday

Time: 11.14

Wearing: Hoody, leggings, Vans

Mood: Unidentifiable

Listening to: Rudimental



Driving: Toyota Yaris

Eating: Tea and toast

Drinking: Hot sweet tea

Watching: Breaking Bad





Reading: Your voice in my head by Emma Forrest

Weight: No comment

Going: To the doctor and chemist

Giving: Urine drug test

Taking: Many many meds

Blood Pressure: 

Feeling: Manic from lack of sleep

Smoking: Benson and Hedges

Hoping: To get well

Finances: Broke

Nail varnish:  Purple

Quote:

Wishing: There was no such thing as eating disorders

What are you eating, wearing, doing.................today?

H.O.P.E

I went to an NA meeting last night with two of my good friends
After cancelling last week I was determined to get my bony bum there this week
Anxiety nearly got the better of me again yesterday and I was close to cancelling but I managed to get my eating disordered addict ass out the door
The meeting was about half an hour away so we had a good chat on the way up
It turns out that both my friends are on Prozac too
We talked a lot about how we have to be so careful with meds
That it's so easy for us to misuse it and abuse
I was honest about my own battle to take my meds properly
This week has been better in that respect

There was an NA and AA meeting on
My friends are in a relationship so they go to separate meetings
I decided to go to NA
The person opening the meeting read a passage out of the big book
Coincidentally it was about medication
I spoke a bit about my own history with abusing medication
Others spoke about theirs
It was great because it was really relevant for me

I got home at about eleven and I felt really good
I had a lot to think about
Being in recovery is all about learning and growing
I see my friends get stronger
More confident
More spiritual
My good friend who has an ED has come on leaps and bounds recently recovery wise
It's amazing to witness
To see her blossom in to an amazing person
I want that
I want to be where she is
To have that peace of mind

Now that my mood has greatly improved, I can see how low I was
I can see what a dark place I was in
I wanted to die
I wanted to check off this God for saken planet
I wanted to starve
Or binge and purge until my heart gave out
I didn't want to live
I didn't want a future
I couldn't see beyond my ED
But now for the first time in a long time, I see a glimmer of hope
I see the life I could lead
I know where my friend has come from
And to see where she is now fills me with hope
That there is hope for me
That it's not too late
There is a chance for me to have a life
Maybe even a happy life

Do you know what a revelation this is?
Do you know how much that means to me?
More than I can describe
I've lived with the label of 'addict' and 'anorectic' for almost 13 years
Carrying around the weight of that has all but beaten me down
What chance did I have?
I truly believed that if one didn't kill me then the other would
I've been told that I have 'many chronic conditions'
It's hard to stay positive with such negative words hanging over your head
It's hard to keep faith
To believe that I will be ok
But now I believe that I might be
I might be ok

Another thing I took from the meeting last night is that if I continue to abuse my meds I am going to stay exactly where I am
I'm not going to grow or blossom
I'm going to stew in my own misery
I used to over take my meds because I was in a lot of emotional pain
But that pain is lessened
Now I take them because I can
Because they are there
Because I am bored
Because I have nothing else to do
I take them to pass the time
Now I understand that if I don't change this behaviour then nothing will change
I will stay exactly where I am
Now the question is do I want to stay there?
Do I want to medicate myself so heavily that I spend the day nodding off
Falling asleep with cigarettes in my hand
Spilling drinks
Burning holes in the carpet
As well as a hole in my soul

Recovery is there for me
It's there for you
All we have to do is reach out and grab it
It's probably the hardest thing that we will ever do
It won't be easy
It's frustrating
It's boring
It's monotonous
It's overwhelming
Anxiety provoking
Uncomfortable
Complicated
But it's also amazing
Awe inspiring
Comforting
Bewildering
Beautiful
It's the biggest gift we could give ourselves
All we have to so is want it

I think I want it
I think I want recovery
As well as life threatening and dangerous and soul destroying
My ED  and medication abuse has become boring
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
I want something elsen
I want something more
I want to live and have experiences and relationships and moments I will never forget
I don't want to be alone any more
I don't want to suffer anymore
I've had enough suffering for 10 life times
I want to do something different
I want to realise my potential
It's time for a new chapter..........



Hold
On
Pain
Ends

Dog days

When I first moved to this area 10 years ago I was so excited to move to the country because it meant that I could finally get a dog
My mother wasn't too keen on the idea so I had to talk her in to it
It must have worked because she eventually caved and agreed to get a dog
My sister and nephew and I went to visit the local shelter to have a look
Straight away a beautiful golden coloured dog caught my eye
He really was stunning
Very rangy with long limbs and such a kind face
His name was Marcus and it was love at first sight

Two weeks later and we brought Marcus home to join our little family
I wasn't too keen on the name Marcus so I re-christened him Leo
He was such a lovely dog
Such a placid nature and rarely barked
He settled in to our home and it wasn't long before I decided to get get him some company

We went back to the shelter where I was introduced to Honey
I have to admit at first I wasn't thrilled
I didn't want a little dog
But as I spent more time with Honey her personality won me over
She had originally been with a single parent and she just couldn't manage to have a dog
Very soon Honey was on her way home with me

Honey made herself at home straight away
Within an hour of being there she claimed a chair for herself
Leo was so kind to her
Endlessly patient
Honey followed him around and in the evening they would cuddle up together on the back step

Life was good

I had two wonderful dogs and I felt happy for the first time in years

Then one cold January evening a neighbour called over

He said that Leo had been knocked down and was lying in his front garden

I ran out the door to get to Leo as fast as I could

He was lying so still

He was still breathing but just about

There wasn't a mark on him

I scooped him up and carried him home

All the while telling him that he was going to be ok

My mother and I jumped in to her car and set off for the vet

It seemed to take forever to get there

Now there was blood coming out of his mouth

Eventually we arrived

The vet tried her best to save him but it was too late

He died on her table

I was beside myself

I felt like it was my fault

I should have protected him

I should have been watching him

It was all my fault

Honey was heartbroken

Her big brother was gone

She was so lost

As was I

A ew months past and we felt the time was right to get another dog

Enter Lea, named after Leo

Lea was an incredibly nervous dog when we first got her
The day we brought her home she spent hours hiding in the bushes
It was like she didn't trust us
It took a lot of time and patience but soon she started to become more and more confident
She grew to be a beautiful dog
She grew in to her big paws and really was a gorgeous looking dog
Her nature was quiet and passive
She put up with Honey and her bossy ways
Never got angry
To this day the highlight of her day is going for a walk
I swear you would think we never let her out she gets so excited at the prospect of a walk
The beach is her favourite place
She loves to roll in the sand and swim in the sea

Lea and Honey couldn't be more different
Where Lea is quiet, Honey is loud
Where Lea is gentle, Honey is like a bull in a china shop
Any opportunity Honey gets, she is down in my room rolling on my bed
Lea would never dream of doing this
Lea will obey any command
Honey pretends that she can't hear you and will do her own thing anyway
Honey likes to think that she is the boss
She likes to think that she is tough
But underneath all the bravado she is a big softie

Lea demands a lot of attention
She wants to be rubbed constantly
And if you stop she will paw you until you start again

Honey's favourite place is her bed
It's in an ideal spot
She can see all of the kitchen and also out the back door

Lea's favourite place is the mat in the kitchen

Honestly I would be truly lost without my dogs
They have saved my sanity over and over again
When I can't find a reason to get up in the morning, I get up for them
When I don't want to leave the house, I leave to walk them
They have been by my side for the last 10 years and I wouldn't have it any other way
I really wish I was as great as my dogs think I am