Tainted Insight

My sister saw this exhibition in MCA in Sydney
It was called Art Express
And it was done by teenagers
This one caught my eye as it is about anorexia nervosa
It's called Tainted Insight
What can you spot in the picture?

Smoke?

I started smoking when I was just 13 years old
I had just started secondary school
And had made a new bestfriend
We were kindred spirits
We both hated school and all the bullshit politics that went with it
She introduced me to cigarettes
And taught me how to inhale
We used to go to the local shop and buy 10 Silk Cut purple
I remember they cost £1.61
We went in to a building site beside the school
And hid behind one of the structures
Where we huffed and puffed and chain smoked
We weren't doing it to be cool
We were doing it because we were looking for something
Something to make us feel like we belonged
Like we were part of something

I have smoked every single day since then
20 years of poisoning my lungs
Before I gave up I was smoking up to 30 a day
Although if anyone asked me, I said I smoked about 15 a day
I was too ashamed to admit that I spent 100 Euros  a week on the filthy habit
But out of those 30 a day
I would say that I only really enjoyed about 5 of them
My favourite smoke of the day was my first one in the morning
It was a little ritual of mine
To make a cup of tea
Light a smoke
And settle down on my favourite chair
If I was lucky I would get a little head rush
And become a bit lightheaded
I miss that feeling

Most of the other cigarettes I smoked out of boredom
Or habit
Not because I really wanted them
But in the run up to my quitting
I knew I was going to stop when my duty free cigarettes ran out
I was mentally preparing myself
I felt ready
I felt like I had to do it
I had to stop
So the morning of my last smoke came
I sat out in the garden in my Auntie's house
With a cuppa and my book
I savoured  it
Relished it
I knew it was goodbye
The end of a relationship that has lasted the last 20 years
But it was killing me
Literally

For the first day I didn't miss them at all
I was high on motivation and determination
I didn't tell too many people that I was giving up
I didn't want to in case that I failed
Which was a likely possibility
I have never tried to give them up before
Never really given it a fair chance
I decided not to use Nicorette patches or gum or anything
I wanted to see how I would do cold turkey
And so far I am doing ok
But right now
Right as I type  these words
I am dying for one
My tongue is hanging out for one
A smoke!
A smoke!
My kingdom for a smoke!


Sometimes I forget that I have given up
Sometimes I reach for my cigarettes
And then I remember
I am a non smoker now
A non smoker
I like the sound of that
But I get really jealous when I see someone else smoking
I walk by and I inhale to get a sniff of the smoke
And yesterday I was in my car
And I took a butt out of the ashtray and sniffed it
That's how bad I wanted one

I've often heard it said that giving up cigarettes is harder than giving up heroin
Well people
Having given up both
I can tell you categorically that heroin is most definitely harder to give up
No contest!
With heroin you have the double whammy of physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms
That is no joke
I have been through it many times
And I don't lie when I say that I would rather die than have to endure that ever again
With smoking
It's more the habit of having something in your hand and mouth
That is probably why people eat more when they stop smoking
As it fills that need

The main reason that I have never tried to stop smoking before now
Is that yes, you've guessed it, I didn't want to gain weight
So have I gained weight since I gave up?
The honest answer is that I don't know
As I am not weighing myself
I have decided to go by how I feel
Not by how I look
And I feel pretty ok
So let's go with that

But even though I am missing them
Even though I would give my right arm for one
I am glad and relieved that I have given them up
I am nearly two weeks off them now
And to treat myself
I bought a pair of winter boots with the money I would have spent on cigarettes in the last week
90 Euro they cost
It just goes to show
When you put your mind to something
It's possible
I really thought that I didn't have the ability to give up
I thought I had zero willpower
But maybe it has nothing to do with willpower
Maybe it has more to do with just being ready
And being sick and tired of the behaviour
That want
That desire and need to give up
Can out weigh the pull of the habit
Whatever it is
What ever the reason
I am so glad to be free of the habit
I am proud to be a non smoker
I truly am





I was wondering about you
Do you smoke?
Have you ever tried to give them up?
What stops you from giving them up?

There's something about Mary

I saw Mary yesterday
It was my second last session with her
I have my last one next week
And then I'll probably never see her again
It was a really positive session today
We acknowledged the positive changes that I have made
We talked about how far I have come in the 3 years that I have been seeing her
The have been a lot of ups and downs over that last couple of years
Euphoric highs
And crippling lows
But I got through it
With Mary's help
 I got through it

I have seen countless therapists and counsellors over the years
There was  the one who gave me a Weightwatchers book
The one who told me that I was 'emancipated' (I think she meant emaciated)
So many came and went
But Mary was by far the best
I don't know why
Maybe because she had so much experience
Maybe because she understood that an eating disorder has very little to do with food
Maybe because I felt I could tell her anything
Whatever the reason
She has impacted my life more than she will ever know

At one point she asked me how my dogs were
I began to tell her about Lea
When I went in to hospital before Christmas
Lea took it particularly hard
She missed me a lot and it showed in her behaviour
Then her fur started to fall out
She had quite a big bald patch on her back
When I came home from hospital
We brought her to the vet
But she could find no reason for the hair loss
As Lea was perfectly fine in every other way
She wasn't ill
She was eating as normal
I remember wondering at the time if it was stress
The stress of me being sick
And then me going away
Lea is a particularly sensitive creature
So I was worried for her

When I came back from the UK on Monday
I checked Lea's fur to see how it was doing
I was delighted to see that it had fully grown back
And now you would never know that it had fallen out at all
I was telling Mary about this yesterday
She said it was known that animals had side effects when their owners were ill
And that they recovered when their owners recovered
I think that is so amazing
Lea got well when I began to get well
It makes perfect sense

I want to get Mary something
To say thank you
I will get her a card a little gift
She has done so much for me
She's been a huge part o my life
And of my recovery
She has been an integral part of my story
The part where I finally manage to make some progress
Where my happily ever after begins

We talked also about how life can be so unfair sometimes
How some people seem to sail through life
With very little hardship
Everything seems to fall in to place for them
And they don't come up against many obstacles
Mary said it was important not to compare myself to others
But I can't help it sometimes
When I see someone my age with an amazing life
I can't help but feel envious
That's natural I guess
Mary pointed out that material gains aren't everything
And she is right
My mother said to me recently that given everything our family has been through
We are not doing too badly at all
This is so true
My family has had more than it's fair share of heartache and misfortune
But we have come out the other side
Stronger
And closer
And grateful to have each other

I could spend my days feeling sorry for myself and my situation
Yes, I have had it hard
I have had to deal with a lot
But I do believe that everything happens for a reason
Even if that reason is not 100% clear at the time
I firmly believe that my life has a purpose
There is a concrete reason as to why I have gone through what I have gone through
In a lot of ways I am truly blessed
I have an amazing family
Two fantastic dogs
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
Clothes on my back
In a lot of ways I have had it easy
Very easy
I know a lot of people who have suffered way more than me
There I go comparing myself again

Anyway
I am glad that I got to meet and work with Mary
She touched my heart
And helped me in so many ways
I am lucky to be leaving her in a good place
Now it's time to move on
I know what I need to do to stay well
I just have to do it

Goodbye Mary
Thanks for everything
You are one in a million
There most definitely is something about you......

Daniella Westbrook

I saw an interview with Daniella Westbrook this morning
For those of you who don't know her
She is an actress that rose to fame playing the past of Sam Mitchell in the soap Eastenders
However she became infamous for something else
Her drug addiction
Daniella first took cocaine when she was just 14 years old in a night club
She quickly became addicted
And by age 21 she was spending £500  a day on the drug
Her addiction was widely documented in the British press
She under went surgery to have her nasal septum rebuilt
After it collapsed due to her drug use



After years of addiction
Daniella finally got clean after a stint in rehab in Arizona
She got married
Had children
And seemed to have really turned her life around

However this year has proved difficult for the troubled star
In January, her 12 year marriage to Kevin Jenkins ended
She also suffered a miscarriage soon after
After 12 years of being clean
Daniella replasped

She is now trying to get back on track
And has checked in to rehab

I was sorry to hear this about Daniella
I've followed her story over the years
It was hard to avoid it
But her story scares me
It just goes to show that no matter how much clean time a person has behind them
It's still possible to relapse
No matter how good your recovery is
It is still possible to relapse

Daniella claimed that her relapse was not planned
That she was offered it
And couldn't say no
I don't judge her
If heroin was put in front of me
I don't know if I would be strong enough to say no

I've relapsed more times than I care to remember
For a long time I didn't want to get clean
And so I welcomed the drug in to my life
I truly believe that a relapse happens long before you pick up the drug
A relapse could start of by becoming complacent
By stopping going to meetings
By isolating
By being triggered
It starts with a thought
That then turns in to a behaviour
And before you know it
You are up to your neck in it

It's scary how easily a relapse can happen
I remember I was in treatment about 10 years ago
It was a working farm in the country side
The guy that managed the farm was a recovered addict
He had many clean years under his belt
And was a great help to a lot of people
But after I left I heard that he had relapsed
I remember being shocked
How could some one so stable fall back so quickly?
But it does happen
They say while a person is in recovery
Their addiction is outside doing press ups
Getting stronger
And more powerful

I worry about myself in the future
Part of me still thinks that I have another round of addiction in me
Most of the time I stay clean for my family
Especially my parents
But when they are gone
I wonder will I stay clean
Will I be strong enough?
I really don't know

I've relapsed many times in to my ED also
It can happen so quickly that you don't realize it until it is too late
It can happen to anyone
Even those who have had a substantial amount of clean time
It's like I always say
Recovery is like taming a wild animal
You can train it and manage it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you

So how can we prevent possible relapse?
I think it's important to be very vigilant
To keep on top of recovery
That is probably different for everyone
For me maintaining my addiction recovery means not using drugs
Attending my support groups
Linking in with other people in recovery
Praying
Step work
And helping others

To maintain my eating disorder recovery
I need to eat regularly
And keep the food down
Allow myself the food that I need
Avoid binging and purging
Moderate exercise
Attending therapy
Seeing my friends
All of these things are essential

I know what my warning signs are
I know when I start isolating I am heading for trouble
When I start thinking negatively
When I start thinking that I know best
When I skip meals
When I deliberately trigger myself
When I start to feel sorry for myself
I know I need to be careful

I was wondering about you
Have you experienced relapse?
How did you come back from it?

Not everyone with an eating disorder........

I saw a post similar to this one over on Izzy's blog
I thought it was worth re-blogging here
Let me know if you can think of any more

Not everyone with an eating disorder is anorexic

Not everyone with an eating disorder is underweight

Not everyone with an eating disorder makes themselves sick

Not everyone with an eating disorder goes in to hospital

Not everyone with an eating disorder is skinny

Not everyone with an eating disorder is in therapy

Not everyone with an eating disorder exercises

Not everyone with an eating disorder gets diagnosed

Not everyone with an eating disorder is female

Not everyone with an eating disorder is a teenager

Not everyone with an eating disorder calorie counts

Not everyone with an eating disorder is obsessed with being skinny

Not everyone with an eating disorder has fear foods

Not everyone with an eating disorder knows that they have an eating disorder

Not everyone with an eating disorder doesn't eat

Not everyone with an eating disorder has body dysmorphic disorder

Not everyone with an eating disorder wants to lose weight

Not everyone with an eating disorder hates their body

Not everyone with an eating disorder experiences health problems

Not everyone with an eating disorder will make it out alive

Not everyone with an eating disorder loses their period

Not everyone with an eating disorder weighs constantly

Can you think of any more to add to the list?

Photos part 2

So here is the second part of my photos post
Hope you enjoy......

Afternoon tea in the Teddy Bear Shop

Whitby Harbour

Was so delighted to find this shop!

Yorkshire

My last cigarette, August 11th

Finally Photos!

As I said in a previous post
My camera only decided to work on the first week that I was away
So I don't have photos of Oxford
Of the walking tour we did in London
Of the late night drive of London that my uncle took us on our last night
That really was amazing
London is one cool place
Especially at night
I really liked the look of Camden
And was really jealous when my mother told me that I girl I grew up with now lives there
Hate her, hee hee!
Anyway
Here they are in all their glory
Notice there are very few full body ones of me
Just couldn't stand to look at myself a lot of the time
But that's ok
I am trying to go by how I feel on the inside
Rather than what I look like on the outside
And I feel pretty ok
So let's go with that

On with the show.............

The Royal court of justice

Somerset House

Mum and Auntie B in Trafalgar Square

Selfie

King's Cross train station, waiting for t he train to York

Longest street name in York

The Shambles

An outdoor play

The city walls

Wish I could have brought this home for my sister

My meds

Raining cats and dogs in York

Teddy bear shop