Bundoran October 2014

Myself, my sister and Lea and Honey went for an early morning walk this morning
Followed by a lovely swim
Here are some photos from said walk.......

You look healthy..........

The lovely Bella shared this with me yesterday

I thought it was very appropriate for where I am right now

And it helped me make sense of all the comments I have been getting recently

"You look healthy.
And by that I don’t mean you look fat.
I mean your face isn’t grey any more, the circles under your eyes aren’t so dark. Your lips aren’t cracked and dry and your hair isn’t thinning and brittle. I mean you seem more focused when I talk to you, You actually look at me and listen rather than being so unable to stay still or think about anything other than your illness that your eyes dart around the room and you nod manically the whole time I’m speaking. You seem calmer, stiller, quieter. You’re easier to have a joke with and you take things on board much more than you used to.
I mean you laugh now, you’re less serious. There’s life about you, it’s in your eyes and your smile, it’s in the way you speak and even in the way you go about your daily tasks. 
You look healthy. You look happy. It really, really suits you."

Body

I recently met a girl from treatment
We hadn't seen each other in about 6 weeks
So I was worried about seeing her
Given my recent weight re-gain
I arrived at the coffee shop before her
I was glad
At least then she would only see me from the waist up
I waited anxiously for her to arrive
I had always been thinner than her
But she was thin too
And I was pretty sure that I was now bigger than her
I ordered tea and settled myself
We were meeting at a tea house near WB Yeats grave
And a constant stream of tourists marched in and out
I watched them with curiousity
Buying their 'Ireland' paraphernalia
My friend arrived
We hugged
I was genuinely happy to see her
'You look like a different person'  she remarked
I blushed
'No really, your eyes look brighter and your skin looks great'
She also noticed that I wasn't as anxious
I used to get so anxious before going in to meet her
And my hands would shake when I picked up my tea cup

We had a great chat
We laughed
We remembered our time in treatment
We talked about our plans for the future
It was so good to see her
To talk to someone who was in treatment with me
And just knew
You know?

Then on Sunday
We went to a recording of a radio arts programme
As my brother was reading at it
Again I was worried about going
As I would be seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time
And the difference in me is so noticeable
On arriving at the venue
I met one of my aunties
'Oh my God, you look great' she said
'I know, there is a bit if a difference isn't there?'
'But do you feel good?' she asked
'I do' I replied 'I really do'
I hadn't seen this woman since I came out of treatment months earlier
When I was pathetically underweight
It was good to chat to people now that I do feel better
My anxiety doesn't get the better of me anymore
And I can actually talk to people without losing my shit

I guess I am used to people's reactions by now
I know that I look completely different
And I know that people want to acknowledge that I am doing well
And give me a compliment
It's hard though
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I have put on so much weight
And I look so different
Better?
Well, yes
My skin and eyes and hair look much healthier
I have shape now
Pointy bones and sharp edges have given way to soft curves
I have had to get used to dressing a totally different shape
I've had to buy new clothes (Not complaining about that though)
I've had to get rid (Not quite) of 'anorectic' clothes
It's all new
It's all unfamiliar
It's all scary

As I have said before
I am trying to go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
Or what the scale says
And the thing is
That I feel pretty good
I feel positive
And hopeful
I feel healthy and strong
Capable and able
My anxiety has lessened so much
And my depression has all but disappeared
I guess if I was asked which would I rather be
Skinny and miserable
Or healthy and happy
I don't need to tell you which one I choose

I've had to stop weighing completely
The last time I weighed
I almost lost my marbles
So I'm just not doing it
No good can come of it

I feel good
For the first time in years
I feel good
I am willing to sacrifice my bony body for that
When I met mt friend the other day
I felt equal to her
When I was really sick
I felt less than everyone
I felt that because I was sick
I wasn't on the same level as everyone else
Now I do
Everything is worse when your body is sick
Anxiety
Depression
Fear
Not to mention all the physical ailments
But these things can and do improve
I know how stuck we can get in our illness
Paralysed by fear
Crippled by anxiety and depression
I just want you to know that it is possible to get out
It is possible to feel better
Both physically
And mentally
I promise you
It is possible

I am learning to live with and even like my new body
I look at my sister who is the same size as me
And I think she looks tiny
She is a great support
She is always telling me that I am a 33 year old woman
And women have shapes
She reminds me that I am not a teenager any more
And  will never have that body again
I am slowly coming to terms with that
It's ok
I am ok
I
Am
Ok

Posponed

I had been feeling a bit off form yesterday
My throat was sore
But I paid no attention to it
Then I woke up this morning (In my mother's bed because Honey had peed on mine)
And I felt like absolute shit
My throat was scratchy and sand papery
And when I spoke I sounded like I had a frog in my throat
So in to the doctor I went
He confirmed that my throat is indeed red and inflamed
And my glands are swollen
He prescribed painkillers, rest and no talking
I am so disappointed that I don't get to go to my course today
But I rang them and they said I can start next week
So no harm done

Right
I'm off to lie on the couch
And drink sweet hot tea
It's a hard life..........

Tomorrow

I start my writing course tomorrow morning
I am nervous
Apprehensive
Scared
But very very excited

Wish me luck......

3 Things

And so ED free week continues.......

I asked my sister last night
If she could bring 3 things to a desert island
What would they be
Her reply was a Swiss army knife
Matches
And a wind up radio

Me?
Mine would also be a radio
Honey and Lea
I just couldn't go   anywhere without them
And a copy of Into the Wild



What about you
What three things would you bring to a desert island?

Driving Miss Ruby....

I moved to this area when I was about 24
I had always lived in towns or cities
So I never had any reason to learn to drive
How ever now I was living in the country
And if I wanted to get my bony ass anywhere
I really did need to learn to drive
So I rang a driving school
And arranged for the teacher to come and pick me up at my house
I waited in the front garden with Lea and Honey
I was going to leave them in the garden while I went on my lesson
Eventually the teacher came
I closed the gate behind me
And jumped in to his car
He let me in to the drivers seat straight away
Even though I had no experience
But he said that he had pedals his side
So there was no reason to worry
I glanced back in to the garden
I noticed that the dogs were right up against thte gate
But I thought that they would be ok
It wasn't until we were halfway down the road
That I looked in the rear view mirror of the car
And I saw Lea and Honey sprinting down the road after the car
When I saw them
I slammed on the brakes
Nearly sending my driving instructor through the wind screen
The car came to a stop
And Honey and Lea came running up to the car door
I got out and walked them back to the garden
They were not best pleased at being left alone in the garden
So as I tried to leave this time
They decided to have a massive fight
All tangled up in each other
I stayed well back
I know better than to try and stop a dog fight
After a few yelps and my shouting
The finally stopped and lay breathless on the grass
In the end I decided to keep them in the utility room for future lessons

As the weeks went on
And I grew more confident in my driving
My Mother used to let me practice in her car around the garden
One day in particular I was practicing starting the car
It was parked around the back about 10 feet from the shed in front
I was doing ok
Until by accident
I pushed the accelerator instead of the brake
The car jerked forward
And went straight in to the door of the garage
This was a big metal door
I looked up to the kitchen
Where I saw my mother looking at the window
Mouth open
Head on her hands
I put the car in reverse
And scraped out of the door
I got out to see the damage
Thankfully there was little damage to my mother's car
The garage door had bore the brunt of it
However
That was the last time my Mother let me practice in her car

I live in the country
So I had plenty of opportunity to practice my driving on isolated roads
I became more confident
And in time got my own little car
A 99 Fiat Punto
It was amazing to have the freedom to go anywhere
Just me and my dogs
I remember there was a busy junction in one of the villages near me
I used to go and drive in a circle
Through the village
And around the junction
Just to build up my confidence

I was quite confident at driving back then
Probably more confident than I am now
I drove all over the place
And it didn't phase me one bit
That was until I had my first 'crash'
I was pulling out of my friends house
There was a narrow drive way
With pillars each side
I miscalculated how much space I had
And the next thing I heard this crunching of metal
As the pillar scraped along the side of my car
I had to keep going though
Otherwise I would have got stuck
I got out to inspect the damage
The whole left side of my car was destroyed
I remember I had to go home and tell my father
And show him the car
'But it could have been a lot worse' I kept saying to him

That was the first time I did that
The second time was when I was pulling around the back of my house
Again I misjudged the space I had
And again I took the whole side off my car
What a pain in the ass that was to get fixed

Driving has always represented freedom to me
I am now driving 7 years
And although I am not a very confident driver
I get to where I need to go
I love bringing the dogs in the car
Honey sits perched up on the back seat
And Lea lies on the back seat
Every morning I pie them in to my little Yaris
And we head off on an adventure
We always have fun

My Mother is always telling me that I drive to fast
And I do
I guess it's because I know the roads around here so well
They are so twisty and windy
It's like driving on a race track
But I especially drive fast when I am on my own in the car
I'm trying to slow down though
I'm trying to be a responsible human being
I don't have a death wish any more



I was wondering about you
Do you drive?
How was your learning experience?