Christmas outfit

I've been trying to figure out what to where on Christmas Day

I know I will wear the new jumper that I bought when I went to Dublin

I'm saving that for good wear

But I can't decide what to wear with it

It has to be warm

It has to be comfortable as I will be cooking 

But I also want too look nice too

Here are a couple of options

Blue wool jumper - Fat Face
Dark navy jeans - River Island

Skirt - A wear

Gotcha!

As you might know
A person call themselves Ana's challenge has been commenting on a lot of our blogs
Being quite intrusiv
Upsetting people
And being down right rude when they didn't get the response they were looking
I have left my fair share of replies to this person
I know you shouldn't feed the trolls
But in this instance I couldn't help myself
I also checked out their blog
Which is a litany of  'Tips and tricks'
And all in pigeon English

Myself and the lovely Bella have been on the case
To find out who this person really is
I suspected it was a man
And we feared that he was praying on young and vulnerable girls
For his own sick and twisted gains
As I know we can be the targets of dirty old men who look for photos of girls

After he was told that he was not welcome or wanted around here
He seemed to go quiet
But today Bella sent me an email
With a link to Ana's challenge latest post
And we were right
He is indeed a very sick person
I was going to post the link here
But I don't want to upset people
And I don't want to give him any more attention than this post

So this is a warning to anyone being harassed by Ana's challenge
If he comments
Delete and block
It's the only way to deal with these kind of people
And hopefully he will get tired and give up
And leave us alone
People here have enough problems to deal with
Without a pervert stalking our blogs
I mean how sick do you have to be to prey on young girls like this
Some are very vulnerable
And might not see him for what he is
I have seen comments on his blog
Asking him for help with restricting etc
And he always asks for photos

Anyway
Just to let you know
This person is not what they seem
I hope he has not hurt anyone any more than he has

Christmas shopping

My sister and I went in to town today to do a bit of shopping

We are doing secret Santa this yea

So we all only have one gift to buy

I am buying for my mum and the price limit is €50

She had already given me the names of some books she wanted

So I got those

And also some soaps from Avoca for her

I also got socks, pants and a pair of jeans for myself

And a diary for my friend L

Here are some photos from today

On the way on to town

New hat - Dorothy Perkins

Shopped out

Socks and pants

Books for my Mum

Diary for my friend  L

Wrapping paper, fancy!

Soaps from Avoca

Jeans - River Island

So this is Christmas......

And what have you done?

Another year over

A new  one just begun

Where this year has gone

I do  not know

I can remember this time last last year like it was yesterday

I can remember treatment so well

I can remember what people were wearing

Conversations I had

Everything like it just happened the other day

Except Christmas day itself

I think I must have knocked myself out with meds 

As I can't remember a single thing about it

Our house is usually a hub of activity around Christmas time

This is great if you are feeling sociable  and up to it

Not so great if you are not feeling 100 per cent
I have mixed feelings about Christmas this year
Part of me is really looking forward to it
And part of me is dreading it
And can't wait until it is all over
I'm not ok at the moment
And the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating

The dreaded scale has wormed it's way back in to my life
Once again it has become a daily ritual
And dictates my mood
My self worth
And my self esteem for the day
It's soul destroying

I know what you are all thinking
That I should be asking for help from my family and doctor
I should be fighting this thing tooth and nail
Because my slip is rapidly becoming  relapse
I just feel so tired
And so weary
I feel like lying down
Holding up my white flag
And admitting defeat
Because that's the way I feel
Beaten
And worn down

It's at times like this that I desperately miss a smoke
I have been thinking and dreaming about about lighting up
To make a cup of tea
Settle down beside the window
And have 10 minutes to myself
Where I can sort out that days problem
Or any other thinking that needs to be done

I was listening to the radio on the way back from Galway
And they were talking about Joni Mitchell
Joni is a confirmed smoker
And has dealt with a lot of criticism because it
I can't remember the exact quote
But she said that she wouldn't have been able to get through life without cigarettes
That those precious few minutes alone with a smoke are precious
She also doesn't buy the high mortality rate
She said we are all going to die of something
Why not smoking?
And least then you can enjoy it
She also wondered how there are so many ex smokers in the world
They must be all frustrated and irritable
After I had listened to this
I found myself thoroughly agreeing with Joni
And had talked myself in to going back on them
If I had had a cigarette right there and then
There is no way I could have said no
The only thing that stops me
Is that I am now off them 20 weeks
And I don't want to through that away
I also have to remind myself that I can not afford them
As they are now 10 Euros here for a packet
Even so
I would still love one

I guess I am a bit all over the place these days
It feels like everything I have worked so hard for over the last few months is slipping through my fingers
The thing I don't understand is why this is happening
I can't identify any trigger
I can't think of any reason that this has happened
But it is happening
And I have to deal with it
It's part and parcel of recovery

In spite of everything
I am feeling very grateful today
A member of my family got some devastating news last week
I won't say what it is
As it's not my news to tell
But needless to say it's the worst kind of news you can get
I'm feeling very blessed to be alive and well today
To have my physical and mental health relatively intact
I'm feeling especially grateful for my family
Without who I would no doubt be in a very dark place
They are the ones that have got me through the last 15 years
If they were not here
I dread to think where I would be right now
I am thankful to have a roof over my head
Many don't
Many people are begging in the streets today
Have no home to go to
And only have a blanket for warmth
When ever I see a homeless person I say to myself
'There but for the grace of God go I'
I am one of the lucky ones
I have a family who can support and love me
That is such a precious thing
I have a roof over my head
Heat in my home
Food in the fridge
Presents under the Christmas tree
A lot of people don't

Sometimes I feel like I am holding on for my family
That if they weren't here
I would be on the streets
In a bad way
Sometimes I feel like I am white-kunckling it for them
But I guess if that keeps me clean
It's as good a reason as any

I will try my best to celebrate Christmas
I will help with the cooking
I will join in with the celebrations
I will be the best Ruby that I can be
This time of the year can be tough
And I need to let people know that I need help
I can't do this alone
I know that now

It's funny the things that can help you get through the day
A hot cup of sweet tea
A hug
A walk with Honey and Lea
Listening to the radio
Or my favourite song
Getting out of the shower and feeling squeaky clean
Getting in to a freshly changed bed with starched white sheets
Putting my my favourite pjyamas
Lighting a fire
Listening to the hail and wind outside while curled up on the couch
Reading a chapter of my favourite book
Writing a post
Retail therapy
Doing my nails ruby red
Straightening my hair
Phoning a friend
It's the little things people



What helps you get through the day?

Honey and Lea

While I was away at the weekend

I got Honey and Lea a little gift to bring back to them

Two Christmas collars

I wasn't sure of their sizes

So I had to guess

I got a pretty flowery one for Lea

And a cute polka dot one for Honey

I put them on them this morning

Lea just went about her business as normal

But Honey was not impressed at all

Here are some photos......

Pjs

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it

But I love pyjamas

Really love them

When I was in hospital last year

I'd say I spent 70 per cent of the time in pyjamas

And Christmas is extra special as I get my Christmas pyjamas

I have been looking for them for some time

And have narrowed it down to these two pairs.....

Sesame Street pyjamas - Penneys

Navy and white star print - Next

Monday

It's Monday morning

And I was on a mission

As you know

Last week I really over did my meds

And had to go in to my doctor on Thursday to ask for a top up

Ever since then 

I have had it in my head that I need to be on more methadone

Because I am craving

Because I am thinking about drugs

Talking about drugs

Even dreaming about drugs

Every now and then

I hear tid bits of news from my old town

I hear of people I used to know

In the news for crimes they've committed

No doubt in pursuit of the drug

My old town is now awash with drugs

Namely heroin

And it's fast becoming a very dangerous place

You would think that I would be glad to be out of there

And I am

But there is still a little piece of me that hankers after that life

God knows why

It very nearly killed me

So I marched in to my doctor this morning

With one thing on my mind

To get my methadone increased

I wasn't too hopeful that he would grant my wish

But I was willing to give it a try

I drove in with my Mum this morning

She mentioned that I seemed very determined 

I told her her why

She said 'Will you please stop tormenting that poor man, he is so good to you'

I agree

He is

But it won't hurt any one just to ask

I checked in at reception

And took a seat in the waiting room

I was just about to read an article about running

When I was called in

First things first

He asked me how my weekend away was

I told him it was fine

And then launched in to my speech

'I'm a bit concerned about myself' I started

'I've been thinking a lot about drugs and have been very close to jumping in my car and to go and score'

He stopped tapping at his computer and looked at me seriously

'I think my methadone needs to be increased' I continued

''Well I don't know about that' he said

'Is there anything else going on?'

He knows me too well

I told him that I've lost more than a few pounds recently

And I have no counsellor since Mary's job had gone

He suggested that maybe NA is an option

And also seeing an addiction counsellor

He explained that it would be giving in to the addiction to increase my dose

And also it wouldn't deal with the problem

He made a good case

I could have argued with him

But I didn't

I knew there was no point

I left the surgery disappointed but not surprised

I was talking with my Mum after

And was joking saying why does my doctor have to do the right thing all the time

Why can't he be a bit corrupt and give me what I want

Why does he have to be so God damn up standing

My Mother said that I am lucky to have a doctor that treats me with dignity and respect

I know I am

It's just my addiction talking

It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced addiction

What exactly it is like

And what it is like to crave a drug with every ounce of your being

To be so preoccupied with it

And literally feel your body craving it

This is the way I would explain it

Imagine you have an itch

It's the itchiest itch you have ever had

It consumes you

You can think of nothing else

It occupies every waking moment and thought

It's there constantly

Now imagine that instead of finger nails

You have razor blades on the end of your fingers

You can't resist the itch any longer

You just have to scratch it before you go mad

You scratch with the razor blades

At first the relief is enormous

It feels amazing

Especially that first scratch

When the persistence of the itch goes away

But as you continue to scratch

The razor blades tear in to your skin

They shred it to ribbons

Blood pours from your body

You are killing yourself

But you can't  stop

You can't stop scratching

Everyone around you sees that you are killing yourself

They try to get you to stop

But you can't

You just can't

I know that I need to so something about my own itch

Or I will end up scratching it

It's too much to handle on my own

I need help and support

Before this ends in disaster

As regards food and weight

I am still struggling

My weight continues to head south

I am not underweight yet

But I will be if I continue

I can't lie

I scare myself sometimes

How hell bent I can be on self destruction

When I took all my methadone last week

I actually really enjoyed the feeling

It has triggered me massively

But I still hope to get back on track

I have to

I just have to