To quote Charlotte.....

It's a day a half later

And still radio silence

I'm 33 freakin' years old

I don't have time to play games!

To quote Charlotte from Sex and the city

'Where is he already?'

But seriously folks 

It doesn't look like he's going to text back

I think this ship may have sailed

I can either suck it up

And move on to the next available tradesman 

Or bite the bullet

And text him myself 

Either option is not very appealing 

I have a draft of a text written 

I've been so close to sending it

But something keeps stopping me

So I am going with my gut feeling 

And holding back 

I just can't figure out what happened 

I mean 

We were texting back and forth 

And as soon as I mentioned going for coffee

It's like he seized up and froze

Or maybe he thought

'F**ck this for a game of soldiers, I'm out!'

Maybe I was too interested

Or not interested enough

Maybe he's seeing other girls

Maybe he's afraid of enclosed spaces that serve coffee

Maybe he's allergic to coffee

Maybe there's been a plumbing emergency 

And him and all his plumber friends have been called away on an extremely important job

The possibilities are endless

I mean

I don't even care where we go now

We could go bird watching

Or train spotting 

Or hang gliding

In really not fussy anymore 

You know

It really wasn't easy for me to put myself out there 

And actually show interest in this guy

For the past decade

My addiction and ED have been holding me hostage

And boys were the very last thing on my mind

I was in a kind of anorexia enforced celibacy 

And I was fine with that 

I mean you don't miss what you don't have right?

So to actually engage with a member of the opposite sex is a monumental step for me

(I almost wrote a member of the opposite species, but last time I checked men were still the same species as us ladies right?)

I don't know girlies 

I am at a loss 

Maybe I should just cut my losses

Or just text him

I haven't decided yet 

Thank you for all your support at this difficult yet exciting time

It means the world 

You seem to be divided between texting him back it not

With just a little more suggesting that I text him back 

I guess I will see how today pans out 

And whatever happens

I will as ever keep you posted....

The plot thickens....

So

When I last left you

The Plumber had texted me on Thursday night saying that he would contact me yesterday

And he did 

He texted last night with a simple 

How are you?

I Immediately went to consult with my sister and Mother

And after some discussion

I texted back 

Hey I'm good, how you?

Exciting stuff so far!

While we waited for his response

I chatted with my Mum and sister

They think he sounds like he is quite shy

And my sister urged me to bite the bullet and ask him out

Then my phone pinged a message

So do you want to meet up?

You can imagine the scene

Me and my Mum and sister

All on the couch 

Squealing as the texts went back and forth 

We had been watching a film

But my sister said that this drama was much better 

So I texted back

Yea sure, what do you suggest?

Then we were all thinking about what would be a good first date

I have to admit

I've never been on a date as such 

Yes, I've gone out with boys 

But this felt different

Like an actual, proper, grown up date 

Phone pings again

Maybe cinema or something, what you think?

My Mum didn't think the cinema was a good idea

She said it was too much of a 'commitment' 

My sister suggested just going for a coffee

And i liked that idea

As there was no pressure

It could be as long or as short as we wanted

So I texted back

What about going for tea or coffee? Is there anywhere you'd like to go?

I was gently trying steer him away from the whole cinema idea

He texted back

And this is where things started to head south

I can't think of anywhere but I can make you a coffee, what you think?

I laughed when I read this

As I thought he was being smart

But my Mum and sister thought it sounded like he didn't really do coffee 

I texted back

What about 'local coffee shop' for tea/coffee and see how we go from there?

I waited for a response

And waited

But nothing 

I haven't heard from him since

This is really disappointing 

I could give him the benefit of the doubt

Maybe he ran out of credit

Maybe he had to go on an emergency plumbing job

Maybe he lost the power of his hands and couldn't text

I live in hope...

 But seriously guys 

You know that I don't like head games

Why would he just not text back?

Again

My Mother and sister pointed out that he seems really shy 

And maybe couldn't cope with a face to face date 

So then I was thinking that maybe I should have just agreed to the cinema  in the first place

And have I f**ked it all up now?

I don't know 

My head hurts from thinking about it so much 

Reading over the texts again and again

Trying to figure out what I did wrong 

My sister thinks I should text him again

But all I could think was that it was his turn to text

And I didn't want to seem too keen

You know?

You my lovely little blogger family have been so spot on with advice about this whole thing 

So I am throwing the floor open to you

What am I doing wrong?

Have I done anything wrong?

What should I do now?

Should I text him again?

Or wait for him to get back to me?

I eagerly await your response.....

The plumber and other stories.....

It was yesterday evening 

I was at home

Watching tv

Minding my own business

When my phone pinged a text

I opened it think it might be my friend who I had texted shortly before

I opened my messages 

And saw a number I didn't recognise 

With three simple words

How you Ruby?

My mind went blank for a moment 

As I tried to process the number 

And the words 

I ran through the possibilities in my hand 

My first thought was that it was The Boy

It could be 

He is prone to random texts out of the blue 

I wondered then if it was someone from the meetings 

But the other possibility 

Was that it was the plumber 

After about 15 minutes

I finally worked up the courage to text back

I simply said

Hey, who is this?

I went back to watching my show 

I didn't get my hopes up

Or have any expectations

In reality it could have been anyone

But still

There was still a little piece of me that hoped it was him 

The next few minutes dragged on forever 

I kept checking my phone

Looking for a reply

A clue to who this mystery person was

Finally 

After about ten minutes

My phone pinged again

Same number 

With the words 

'His name' I got your number off your neighbour, you Ruby?

OMG it was him!

It was The Plumber!

Holy shit!

I legged it in to the kitchen 

Where my mum and sister were

They demanded that I read out all the texts so far

Which I did

My sister told me to play it cool

Which I think was good advice

So I sat down to reply

And this is what I wrote

Oh hey, yea this is Ruby, my neighbour told me that she gave you my number, how you?

I tried to be casual but interested

Not too try hard but friendly 

And waited for a reply 

It came a few minutes later 

I'm good, I'll talk to you tomorrow 

I was a bit confused at this 

But decided not to text back 

So the ball is now in his court

As my sister says 

I'll let him take the lead

But seriously people 

I have no idea what I am doing 

This is unchartered territory for me 

I haven't had a boyfriend in years

In a whole decade

I have no idea of the way it works now

And I'm not in to playing games 

I'm not into messing with people's heads

I like people to be honest

And straight forwards

And I try to be too

So what happens now?

That's what I want to know 

I'm taking it from his last text that he is going to contact me today

Probably this evening 

As he will be working during the day 

But honestly 

My self esteem and confidence is not the best at the moment 

And heck

If I don't like or love myself

How can I expect any one else to

I kept saying to my Mum and sister

That when he sees me up close 

He'll soon lose interest

And he'll see what a loser I really am

My sisters advice Is good 

And she knows because she is alwAys dating someone 

She tells me to just be myself 

Maybe go for coffee

See if we like each other 

And take it from there

So that's what I will do 

But if you have any other advice 

Or words of wisdom 

I would really appreciate it

If we were lonely hearts 

It would probably read something like this...

Him: Tall, dark, hard worker, good with pipes

Her: Blonde, shy, GSOH, seeks man that must love dogs

Help!!!

Are we all addicts?

I've written this post maybe twice before

First back in 2012

After I watched the documentary by the same name presented by Cherry Healy

And again in 2013 when I did an updated version

Now it's July 2015 

So I think we are due an update 

To see if we are still hanging on to the same old addictions?

Have we moved on?

Have we acquired new ones?

Where are we on the spectrum that is addiction?

The reason that I am writing this post today

Is that I was listening to the radio this morning

To one of the phone on shows

And one woman had rung in with a problem she was having 

She described how she couldn't stop buying scratch cards

And was spending a huge amount of money on them every week

She felt she was spinning out of control

As she was lying to get husband and children 

And was using money from their joint savings account

So her husband was going to find out sooner or later

This lady was in a lot of distress 

And felt that she was addicted 

She described how she went from shop to shop to feed her addiction

And how it was taking over her life

And ruining her peace of mind

I could relate to this woman so much 

The only thing that was different was the substance

And that's the thing I have found over the years

The essence of addiction is the same

The lying 

The cheating 

The manipulation

The shame

The guilt 

The utter misery

But the substance can vary wildly from person to person

In my case it was alcohol and drugs to begin with

And that morphed in to other addiction over the years

As I always say

It's the same shit

Different substance

I think I was born with an addictive personality

Addiction and mental health issues are rife on my fathers side of the family

And in my own immediate family of six

Four of us have experienced addiction

Thankfully all four of us are in some form of recovery 

Which I am eternally grateful for

The first thing I became addicted to was sugar

I craved it constantly 

I think my food issues started at a very young age

I loved my food 

And I was such an active child that I burned it all off 

Had I not been so active 

I'm pretty sure that I would have had a weight problem

I ate that much

As I grew in to a young teenager 

I started shop lifting 

And that quickly became an addiction too

And has continued to be a problem up until very recently 

Stealing was par for the course when I was in active addiction 

And also featured a lot during my ED

As you know

I was caught shoplifting recently

Thankfully the shop owner decided not to call the cops 

I don't know why 

But she let me go

That whole day was a nightmare 

I kept thinking that I was in a dream

And that I was going to wake up any moment

But I didn't 

It was all very real

The guilt and shame I felt was overwhelming

I was so disappointed in myself

So annoyed that it had come to this

They only saving grace is that I have now stopped shoplifting 

I thank my lucky stars that I wasn't prosecuted

I know it could have turned out a lot different 

I was thinking of sending the shop owner an apology letter

But my gut toms me to leave well enough alone

So I did

Age fourteen

And I smoke weed for the first time

Over the next few years I dabble 

And age 18 I became addicted to heroin

As well as various other prescription meds

The next five years are a blur

Eventually I put the needle down

But I picked up alcohol and pills

As my world began to crumble around me

I knew I had to get clean and sober

I was put on methadone

And that helped me to get stable

Since then I've had many slips and relapses 

But that's part and parcel of recovery

From the age of 14 

I was a heavy smoker

And smoked 30 a day

Spending €100 a week on cigarettes 

I loved smoking 

And if I was rich 

I have no doubt that I would still be smoking 

I didn't give up for health reasons 

I wish I could say that I did

But I gave up because I couldn't afford them

It's as simple as that 

I am now almost one year smoke free

But as is the pattern with me 

When I get one addiction under control

Another one spins out of control

And at the moment 

That is internet shopping 

Over the last year 

I have bought clothes every week 

Mostly on line 

I see something I like

I think my life would be complete if I had that item of clothing 

I order it on line

And basque in the delight that there is a parcel on its way to me

And getting said parcel is such a buzz

Taking it in to the house

And testing it open is such a rush

Better than Christmas

I try the item on

And for those few minutes I am satisfied

I wear the item once 

The novelty wears off

And I am back on the hunt on the Internet for the next item

It's getting out of control though 

Seriously 

My bedroom is bursting at the Sean's with clothes

I shit you not

Other addictions I have are drinking tea

I drink 15 -20 cups of hot sweet tea a day

I am constantly boiling the kettle

And I enjoy every single one of them

I'm drinking air more since I quit smoking 

It's just really comforting to have a piping hot cup of tea

It warms my body and my soul

White chocolate

Another addiction

It has to be Millybar

No other bar will do

Millybar is soft and creamy and it melts in your mouth

I buy five family size bars a day 

And eat every single one of them

They don't always have them in my local shop

So when I see them

I tend to stock up

So today I bought ten

But that won't even last me two days

I just can't get enough of the stuff

Hunky Dorys

These are crisps 

Or chips if you are from the U.S.

It has to be this brand

And it has to be salt and vinegar flavour

I'm ashamed to admit

That I sometimes have these for my breakfast

I buy two family size bags a day

And again 

Stock up when I can 

I swear it's a wonder that I am not obese

What else?

Since I bought my first iPhone last year

I am pretty much addicted to it

It's like another limb

I'm so attached to it

Television

I am such a tv addict

I love to lose myself in a show

It takes me out of my own head

And my own thoughts

It's an escape for me

I watch everything from dramas

To trashy reality tv

I don't discriminate

Meds 

I'm on variety of meds

Including methadone 

Not one but two anti depressants

And a high dose anti anxiety meds

I mean it's a wonder I'm still standing I take so much medication

I am mentally and physically addicted 

And can't imagine life without them

Reading 

I love a good book

I guess this is a very healthy addiction to have 

I read the same books over and over again

There is something so comforting about that

Other addictions include exercise to a certain extent

Purging 

Which is the Bain of my life 

Sleep 

I love to sleep 

And love going to bed at night

I adore that time of the night 

When I get in to bed 

Those few minutes before I fall asleep 

When my body and mind are exhausted 

My head is clear 

Not a care in the works 

And then slip in to the land of nod 

I love it

With all that said

I was wondering about you

What are you addicted to?

Do you have an addictive personality?

How do you deal with your addictions?

Fo they help or hinder your life?

Answers on a postcard please....

The Plumber Update

Do you remember a couple of months ago

I wrote about the whole plumber situation

And how my neighbour was trying to play Cupid 

And set us up together

So she did some digging

Not because I asked her to mind

She took this on all herself

Because even though I have seen him a couple of times from a distance

I don't think I would be able to pick him out in a line up

Anyway

So she found out that he was single

And he told her that he is 'approachable'

I didn't think about it again

Until I was speaking to my neighbour yesterday

When she told me that he asked her for my number!

My neighbours memory is not the best

So she couldn't give me an accurate account of the conversation they had

But she does remember him asking for my digits

Which she promptly gave him

All I could do was laugh when she told me

But part if of me was secretly pleased 

After that

I was alert everytime my phone rang

My anxiety was on full alert

Then last night my phone rang

I checked to see who it was 

But I didn't recognise the number 

Thinking it could be him 

I couldn't bring myself to answer it

And hoped he would leave a message

When the phone stopped ringing 

It pinged that there was a voice mail

I went and got my sister 

And we settled down with cups of tea to listen to the voice mail on speaker phone

I dialled the number

And we both waited with baited breath 

The  phone went to messages

It beeped 

We angled out ears to the phone

And.....

....nothing 

It was like someone had forget to end the call 

And had just left it on

So I could hear them

But they didn't know their phone was still on

We listened for a couple of minutes before the phone went dead

I didn't know if it was him or not

My sister urged me to ring the number back

But I couldn't 

I just didn't have the courage 

So I decided I would text him

I saved his number under the name Plumber

And when I went to text the number

A conversation popped up on my phone

I could see that it was a woman from the meetings 

So I decided to ring the number

And lo and behold 

It was the woman from the meetings

Who had dialled my phone by mistake

What an anticlimax

Anyway

He now has my phone number

So the ball is in his court

I might have to question my neighbour again 

To see if I can find out some more information 

To be honest with you

The thought of a boy/man ringing me is absolutely terrifying 

I mean I am so out of practise

So so rusty 

And my confidence isn't great at the best of times

So I don't know what I am going to do if he rings 

It seems the older I get

The more difficult things like this become

I can remember being in my early twenties 

And talking to boys was not a problem

Confidence wasn't a problem

But now

Well I guess given what I have been through in the last ten years 

My confidence has been knocked out of me

Oh Well

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come it

In the mean time

Do any of you lovely ladies have any dating advice for me?

How do you think I should play this?

All suggestions welcome

I am so damn nervous about this whole thing

Weighing it up

Now that I am weighing again

I'm back in the vicious circle 

Of weigh 

Panic

Cry 

Restrict

Binge 

Purge

Weigh....

I'm literally going around in circles

My homework from Mary two weeks ago

Was to keep a food diary

I have not done it once

I've not even taken out the sheets

Like the veritable ostrich

I have been burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

I really take issue with having to fill in a food diary

You see I am a seriel snacker

I don't really eat set meals

I graze the whole day long

So I would need a book to fill in a weeks worth of food

Plus I don't want to be reminded of how much white chocolate or crisps I have eaten

I actually consider myself very lucky 

Given the amount of junk food I eat

By all rights I should be obese

It's no exaggeration to say that I eat five family size bars of white chocolate every day

And 1-2 family bags of crisps

Seriously

I stick up on the stuff

Buy it in bulk

My local shops know I eat a lot of it

And always have a plentiful supply

I crave white chocolate the way I used to crave heroin

I tell no lie

I'm actually afraid to tot up the amount of calories I eat each day

But I'm willing to bet that it is was over the recommended daily allowance for an adult female

So yes 

To all intents and purposes 

I should be a lot bigger

Given all the crisp I eat 

So even though my weight is higher than is ideally like

I am grateful that it's not any higher

In other news

I haven't been to a meeting in a week

I'm struggling to go at all

All I want to do is sleep

And be on the nod

It's very hard to do anything at all when the other option is to slip in and out of consciousness 

Because we all know how I like to escape reality don't we?

I don't know

I don't know what I am doing anymore

I thought I was doing well

And I was 

I am

Kind of 

Sort of

Most of the time 

There is a saying in AA that they practise spiritual progression

Not spiritual perfection

I like that saying

It makes me feel ok about the fact that I do not doing everything by the book

Because if you are like me 

Then texovery is full of setbacks 

And hurdles

And bumps in the road 

As you all know well 

I have no problem sharing those obstacles with you all

Because I hope it will help someone out there 

To call their addiction or their ED out

To tell on them 

Because our secrets keep us sick

And I try not to have any secrets when it comes to my blog and my recovery

As you all know well

I don't hold back when it comes to writing here

I may even share too much 

But my honesty keeps me accountable

And responsible

And I know I am only as sick as my secrets 

So I try not to keep any

And I urge you to tell your secrets also 

Tell them to someone

Write them down

Confess them to a priest

Tell a friend 

Or a family member

Don't let them fester in your head

Or they will get the better of you

They will keep you sick

Today I will share a secret with you 

When I was away last weekend 

I came very close to stealing a cardigan from a shop

Only I was so afraid of being caught again

I would have done it

In a lot of ways having been caught has been the wake up call that I needed to snap out of that destructive behaviour

And it makes me think twice when I get that urge again

So today I urge you to break your silence

And tell on your secrets 

Even if you don't want to leave your name

You can leave a comment anonymously and share your secret here

I promise you to get it off your chest will be such a relief

Just to tell someone 

To share it with another person

Will stop that secret from taking your peace of mind

I've shared mine

Will you share yours?

Monday

Gosh Monday morning comes around very quickly

We watched the Wimbledon men's final yesterday 

Although I slept through most of it

As the antics of the weekend caught up on me

My Dad was minding my dogs

So we arrived home early evening

The dogs went nuts when we came in to the house 

They gave us such a warm welcome

And then conked out in their beds for the night

I had a shower

Got in to my pyjamas

And settled down for the night

It wasn't long before I was asleep again on the couch

In fact I don't even remember going to bed

All too soon it was morning 

And time to get up

I sat in the waiting room of the doctors for over half an hour before I was called in

When I was 

We talked about various things 

Including the weather

His golf game

And of course the tennis

He didn't mention my blog this week

So I am taking it that he didn't read it

Thank God

He mentioned reducing my methadone e again

I asked if we could wait another week

He agreed 

I was relieved 

He said next week for sure though

Because we have lost so much ground

But I know full well that next week I'll be asking him to wait another week

The truth is 

That I am I no hurry to come off the methadone

It really wouldn't bother me if I was on it for the rest of my life

I shit you not 

My mind and body are so used to it

Taking my methadone is the first thing I do every morning 

I can't imagine life without it

And quite frankly I don't want to

I know it's not healthy

I know I should be trying hard to come off it

But I am on it over ten years now

It's in my bones by this stage

It's an integral part of my life

Even the routine of going to the doctor every Monday morning is ingrained in me

I know I should probably be more enthusiastic about coming off it

About being truly clean and sober

But I'm not

And I don't 

And I don't know if that will ever change

The things is 

That I am on quite a lot of meds

And combining them all together 

Even just one days dose

Is enough to get me slightly out of my head 

Enough to make me sleepy and groggy

And I love that feeling 

And the other thing is

That now my high is legal

It's prescribed

I'm supposed to take it

So there is none of the scrimping and saving

And ducking and diving that goes along with heroin or any other drug

And it's free

I don't have to steal to get money for my drug

It's handed to me legally 

Over a shop counter 

So where is the onus to get clean?

Well when getting my drug is this easy

There really is none

The truth is 

That I am comfortable where I am

Comfortably numb to quote Pink Floyd

I have all the benefits of the drug

With none of the negative consequences

I have a constant and steady supply of meds

They cost me less than ten euros a month

I'm trusted to take a weeks meds at a time

And that suits me just fine

But the thing is

That although I am perfectly fine to stay where I am

My doctor is on a mission to get me off it completely 

If it was up to him

I would have been off it years ago

But like with an addiction

There have been many slips over the years 

And I've have to stall the reduction

And sometimes increase it

It's like I am digging my heels in

And refusing to go quietly 

I am probably the Bain of my doctors life

As I always put up a fight

And I know how to get around him 

I know it's not fair

I know I should co-operate more with him

But the addict in me is a powerful thing

And more often than not wins the argument

With me

It's a mental thing 

Taking my methadone is as much psychological

As it is physical 

The act of taking it

Drinking it every morning 

Is enough to ease my mind

Just knowing that it's on it's way in to my blood stream

Quells my anxiety 

If for some reason 

I have to take my methadone late 

Or I am held up in getting my meds

I feel like I immediately go in to withdrawal 

Even though realistically I probably wouldn't go in to withdrawal until 48 hours later

I still imagine that I have 

I once heard of a girl who was on two and a half mls of methadone 

Now that is most definitely a mental thing

Two and a half mls is nothing

Heck it would stick to the side of the bottle as you drank it

In other news

I haven't heard from my friend since last week

I don't quite know where to go from here

Should I cut her out of my life?

Cut my losses and move on

Or should I get over it

Have a conversation with her 

And try and stay friends? 

I'm not sure what to do really

But I feel no urge to contact her at the moment 

So I won't 

Well folks

That's all from me today 

See you on the next post.....