After my trip to the dog shelter
I always like to see Mary
Our chats are always interesting and informative
We know each other well by this stage
I've been seeing her for four years now
Mary often reminds me of our first session
Her post was new
A position that was greatly needed in the community
Before Mary
ED patients were sent to General CBT
But Mary became a specific ED therapist
So was geared more towards an ED patients needs
Mary often reminds me of the state I was in when I first saw her
I was broken
Both in body and mind
In my mind
This new therapy was the latest in a long line of failed attempts to get on top of my ED
I had no expectations
Very little hope
After all
I had been through therapist who told me that I 'wasn't that bad'
And another one who told me that I was 'emancipated'
My memory of those first sessions is hazy
But then everything from that time was hazy
I was running off of fumes
Underweight
Malnourished
Mentally and physically weak
And of course it wasn't a case that I miraculously recovered
It was a long hard road
So many sessions of butting heads
Many many tears
My walking out on more than one occasion
I put up great resistance to getting well
My weight has fluctuated greatly over the years
From emaciated to just about heslthy and back again
I had a break from Mary when I went in to treatment
Another one when my weight became too low for her to see me
And another one when her post was cut due to budget issues
But I always went back
And Mary always made an effort to get me back
I think you can probably guess where this post is heading
Yes
After four long years
Of highs and lows
Ups and downs
Tears and laughter
Mary informed me that she is formally discharging me
And not because I am not engaging in therapy
Or because my weight is too low to continue
Oh no
It's because I am actually well enough!
I was actually gobsmacked
Because most of the time
I consider myself to be a perpetual f**k up
Me
Queen of trouble and mischief
Is actually being discharged
Because Mary considers me to be well enough!
At first
In my head
I panicked
I was like
Noooo
I need you
Please don't go
I need Mary in my life
Sometimes she is the only sane person I speak to of a week
But
She assured me that I have made great strides
And it's time
We talked for a while
About the last four years
And the progress that has been made
In a lot of ways
It happened quite suddenly
But I think in reality
I had spent years laying the ground work
By going to therapy
Months in treatment
And generally preparing myself mentally for recovery
I am just over a year in to my recovery
I am weight restored
I feel good
My mood is good
My health is the best it's been for a long time
And I guess that it's now that I am feeling better
That I realise how low and depressed I was
I hated myself
And resented life
I had a passive death wish
Not actively seeking death
But welcoming it if it came
Now I am stable
I can feel
And feint is no way as scary as I thought it would be
I'm now strong
Capable and able
And that feels amazing
I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life
And trying to find my place in the world
I don't equate beauty with weight anymore
And I am just finding myself
My opinions
My style
My take on life
I'm a 34 year old woman
I've been through a lot
I've survived this long through sheer stubbornness
And determination
I've abused my body so much over the years
I'm just happy that it hasn't given up on me
So yes
Next Thursday will be my last appointment with Mary
Then I am on my own
Standing on my own two feet
I feel ready
I think I can do it
I really think I can