Sunday

Although it is my birthday tomorrow

We are celebrating today

I say celebrating

More like a small family dinner 

That's what I wanted 

Something informal and low key

A get together with my nearest and dearest

Tomorrow I'll be 34

It's a big deal for me to even admit to that

For the first couple of years writing this blog

I avoided telling anyone my age

Because I felt ashamed

Ashamed that I was a woman in my thirties 

And I had made such a mess of my life

Now?

Well now I'm proud of my age

I proud that I made it this far

Yes I have little to show for my life

I don't have a partner 

Or children

A job

Or my own house 

What I do have is my health

And peace of mind 

And that outweighs anything else

34 

Another year 

Usually I would be clocking up the years of my illness 

But now I am counting my years in recovery 

By rights 

I should be dear ten times over

In the meetings 

They say people in recovery are hand picked 

I don't know if that's true 

But it's a nice thought

Anyway 

I'll post pictures of said dinner later on

Have a good Sunday.....

Freedom to live

Today I am really struck by the freedom I have to live

Watching the crisis in Syria

And all those poor refugees 

I realise how lucky I am to live in a country where I am free to do as I please

But not just free from prosecution

I am free from the my own demons

The demons inside my head

The demons that drove me to the brink of death

Free from the drug that held me captive for so many years

I was a slave to that drug

And I never let myself forget how bad things were when I was addicted to heroin

Never 

And of course my ED

Bouncing from anorexia to bulimia and back again 

The scary thing about these disorders is that we don't realise how sick and near death we truly are

I am one of the lucky ones 

I made it out relatively unscathed 

I think our thirties are a time when things either get a lot better 

Or a lot worse

I guess it's when you really grow up

And become an adult

Addiction took so much out of me

The getting and using 

Finding ways and means to get drugs 

I had the energy for it in my twenties 

But now

No way 

I don't have the energy 

Or the inclination to chase the dragon

Heroin brought me to my knees 

And burned me out 

Mentally and physically

And throw in an ED

And I was broken 

It has taken until now 

Until I turn 34 

To put the pieces of the jigsaw that is my life back together 

This morning I woke up

With a roof over my head

In a dry bed 

In a warm house 

My dogs woke me up

WAnting to go outside 

I have no pressing worries

The only thing in my mind is my upcoming birthday

And the family dinner we will have

I get up 

Throw on a hoody and slippers

Let the dogs out 

Put the kettle on

And make some toast 

I look out the window 

And see the mountains just beyond the back garden 

Every window in my house is like a huge wide screen TV

Showing the beauty and wonder of this beautiful country

I turn on the radio

And settle down with my tea and toast

Like I said 

I have no worries

I am not strung out 

I am not gasping for a drink or drug

I'm not weak from lack of food 

My body and mind are healthy 

My inner critic is silent 

I am at peace 

After a while 

I make my Mum breakfast and bring it down to her in bed 

Honey comes too

And Lea waits in the car

I chat with Mum a while 

Then I get dressed 

I am lucky enough to have plenty of nice clothing 

I scrub up well if I make an effort

Next I go and call my sister

She sleep upstairs

I think about how glad I am to have her home

After being in Australia for 12 years

How great it is to talk to her when ever I want

When we all ready 

We all pile in to my sisters car 

My Mum and sister in the front

Me and Honey and Lea in the back

We drive to the beach

For a brisk walk

As I watch the dogs running so freely 

And having a great time 

I think about how lucky I am to have such amazing dogs 

And how they have helped me so very much

They truly are my best friends 

We walk the beach

Then head down to the village

We visit the peace garden 

Which is so quiet and peaceful

We run our hands along the lavender

And cup them around our noses to inhale  the scent 

We sit on the bench in silence for a few moments 

And just for that minute

Everything is ok

And exactly how it should be

It's no fluke 

Or freak of nature that I am the way I am

I come from a long line of people who suffer from addiction and mental health issues

There are six in my family

Four of us have suffererd  with these issues

A few years ago

All four of us were in active addiction

It was a living nightmare

But now 

All four of us are clean and sober and well

And that is nothing short of a miracle

Today I am grateful

So very grateful

For coming through what I've been through

For making it out the other side

Along with my family 

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned along the way

I am grateful that I live in a country where freedom is a given

And I can live the way I want to

I am grateful for the people I have in my life 

My family whose unwavering support has seen me through so many bad times

The friends who have stood by me through it all

I am grateful for the professionals in my life 

My doctor

Mary

Breda

My psychiatrist 

Who have gone above and beyond their duty to help me

I am grateful to have two amazing dogs 

Who are always by my side

And have been there for me for the past ten years 

I am grateful for my health

Given all I have put my body through 

I know I am blessed to be as healthy as I am

I am grateful for my recovery 

For my peace of mind 

For my drive and determination for a better life

I am grateful that I was hand picked to be in recovery

That I have a second chance at life

I am grateful that I have a roof over my head

Food in my fridge

And a car to drive 

I am grateful to be part of this community

To call you all friends

For you to be part of my story

And for me to be part of yours

It's very easy to cruise along

Taking life for granted 

But today 

Today I am really feeling the gratitude 

They say to be happy 

You need to want what you have

Not have what you want

And I have a lot

More than a lot of people

I am so grateful for that 

Here are some pics from today....

Discharge

I saw Mary yesterday

After my trip to the dog shelter

I always like to see Mary

Our chats are always interesting and informative

We know each other well by this stage

I've been seeing her for four years now

Mary often reminds me of our first session

Her post was new

A position that was greatly needed in the community

Before Mary

ED patients were sent to General CBT

But Mary became a specific ED therapist 

So was geared more towards an ED patients needs

Mary often reminds me of the state I was in when I first saw her

I was broken

Both in body and mind 

In my mind 

This new therapy was the latest in a long line of failed attempts to get on top of my ED 

I had no expectations 

Very little hope

After all

I had been through therapist who told me that I 'wasn't that bad'

And another one who told me that I was 'emancipated'

My memory of those first sessions is hazy 

But then everything from that time was hazy

I was running off of fumes 

Underweight

Malnourished 

Mentally and physically weak

And of course it wasn't a case that I miraculously recovered

It was a long hard road

So many sessions of butting heads

Many many tears 

My walking out on more than one occasion 

I put up great resistance to getting well

My weight has fluctuated greatly over the years 

From emaciated to just about heslthy and back again 

I had a break from Mary when I went in to treatment

Another one when my weight became too low for her to see me

And another one when her post was  cut due to budget issues 

But I always went back

And Mary always made an effort to get me back 

I think you can probably guess where this post is heading 

Yes 

After four long years

Of highs and lows

Ups and downs 

Tears and laughter 

Mary informed me that she is formally discharging me

And not because I am not engaging in therapy

Or because my weight is too low to continue

Oh no 

It's because I am actually well enough!

I was actually gobsmacked

Because most of the time 

I consider myself to be a perpetual f**k up 

Me 

Queen of trouble and mischief 

Is actually being discharged

Because Mary considers me to be well enough!

At first 

In my head 

I panicked

I was like 

Noooo

I need you

Please don't go

I need Mary in my life

Sometimes she is the only sane person I speak to of a week 

But

She assured me that I have made great strides

And it's time 

We talked for a while

About the last four years 

And the progress that has been made 

In a lot of ways 

It happened quite suddenly

But I think in reality 

I had spent years laying the ground work

By going to therapy 

Months in treatment 

And generally preparing myself mentally for recovery 

I am just over a year in to my recovery

I am weight restored 

I feel good 

My mood is good

My health is the best it's been for a long time 

And I guess that it's now that I am feeling better 

That I realise how low and depressed I was 

I hated myself 

And resented life

I had a passive death wish

Not actively seeking death

But welcoming it if it came 

Now I am stable 

I can feel

And feint is no way as scary as I thought it would be

I'm now strong

Capable and able

And that feels amazing 

I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life 

And trying to find my place in the world

I don't equate beauty with weight anymore

And I am just finding myself 

My opinions

My style

My take on life

I'm a 34 year old woman 

I've been through a lot 

I've survived this long through sheer stubbornness 

And determination 

I've abused my body so much over the years 

I'm just happy that it hasn't given up on me 

So yes 

Next Thursday will be my last appointment with Mary 

Then I am on my own 

Standing on my own two feet 

I feel ready 

I think I can do it 

I really think I can 

Dog Shelter

I'm just back from my appointment at the dog shelter 

When I spoke to them on the phone the other day

They asked me to call in today 

To meet me

And to fill in some paperwork 

My Mum offered to drive

So I took her up on the offer

And we set off at about 10am

The shelter is about half an hour away

I haven't been there in ten years

When I picked up Honey

And brought her home

So I was really excited to go back

We arrived at the shelter just after 10 30am

Mum parked 

And I made my way to the office

The whole way down in the car I was thinking how I should take photos to show you all

But of course 

Once I was there 

I forgot to take any at all

I went through the gate marked 'Office'

And found myself face to face with a rather large Alsation

Beyond him I saw two little dogs

And beyond that two people

One of whom beckoned me in

The dogs gave me a great welcome

And as I sat down

The Alsation kept bringing me over a stick

Which I tried to throw for him

But was a bit difficult as we were in quite a small room

One of the ladies introduced herself as the owner of the shelter

And asked me how they could help me

I said I had been speaking to someone about volunteering 

At that point 

She produced an application form 

And asked me to fill it in

The form was the usual

Name 

Address

Etc 

At the end there was a question asking what type of work I wanted

It named things like dog walking

Cleaning

Laundry

I ticked them all

Except for garden maintenance

As I am no gardener 

I handed the form back

And the lady looked over it

All seemed fine 

The owner then asked one of the ladies working there to show me around

This was the fun part

Getting to meet all the dogs

The first dog I was shown was nothing short of freakin' adorable

The lady told me that he had been found abandoned in a shed

My mind boggles

As I don't know how anyone could do that to a living dog/cat/anything

I swear I wanted to bring that dog straight home with me

But I knew this would happen

I knew I would want to save them all

But I also know that my Mum would have a fit if I started bringing dogs home

So I will resist 

For now

The lady brought me around all the kennels

Introduced all the dogs to me

Some were giddy

Some were shaking with fear

Which broke my heart

Some had tried to climb out 

Some tried to eat me

But that's ok

I understand that some of them are not happy well adjusted dogs

But most of them just wanted attention

And I hope that I can do that

After the tour 

I went back to the office to thank them

The owner told me that I can ring them the day before I want to go down

Which is great 

As then it can be a different day each week if need be

All in all I am so looking forward to starting 

And all being well

I will start next week

Right

Must dash 

As have an appointment with Mary 

See you on the next post ...

Been there, done that, bought the blogger t-shirt

I was in town today

Meeting a friend from treatment for tea and coffee

Afterwards 

I was having a browse through the shops

When I spyed this t-shirt in Penneys

I'm actually sorry now that I didn't buy more to send to you ladies if you wanted one

If you would like one 

Do let me know

And I'll do my best to get you one

Anyway

Here it is....

ED Community

An anonymous writer left a very interesting comment on my blog yesterday

Posing a couple of questions

First

About the ED community

And does the idea of such a community help strengthen or weaken the fight against the illness?

And also

What role an ED should play in a persons identity?

I thought these were really interesting questions

And it's something I've thought a lot about over years

And I remember it being addressed in treatment also

First question

Does the idea of an ED community strengthen or weaken the fight against our illness? 

I think there is no simple answer for this

And of course every case is individual 

In my opinion

Our community can do both 

As we know 

Support is essential 

Both in the midst of the illness

And in recovery 

When I first started writing my blog three years ago

I was in a very different place

I wrote about fasting

And actively trying to lose weight

I can remember me and other girls encouraging each other to lose weight

And that is so dangerous 

Thankfully 

In my case 

That didn't last long 

And I saw that I was treading on thin ice

But at the same time

I craved to be with others like me

It was so important to me to connect with others in the same situation as me

This community has saved my life over and over again

And in a lot of ways has helped me recover and move on from my ED 

Our community is a mixture of people still in active ED

And those choosing recovery

And we seem to co-exist well 

Although I do admit

I've had to pull back from some blogs that are upsetting or triggering

That is nothing against the person

It's just very difficult to be around very ill people when you yourself are trying to get well

And of course when in recovery

You want to build a good foundation

And probably have more in common with those in recovery 

I guess this why Pro-ana is so prolific

There Is strength in numbers

You are more likely to do something 

If someone is doing it with you

Hence why people have 'ana buddies'

In a sick and twisted way

These girls are each other's cheerleaders 

It's something that fuels the ED

I remember when I was in treatment 

It was a psychiatric hospital

With an eating disorder recovery programme

The ED girls were on a ward called St. Brigids 

It was a mixed ward

So there were patients with other illness there too

Like anxiety or depression

There were up to eight girls on the ED programme at a time

We spent so much time together 

All day every day

And most of the time we were talking about food, weight and our EDs

Although this wAy works for some

It most definitely did not for me

Bring in such close contact with other sufferers made life so hard

I was constantly comparing myself to others 

That and the fact that our sole existence was wrapped up in the ED 

Made it so hard to make steps towards recovery

One thing that I noticed while in treatment

Was that if one person was doing well

The rest tended to do well too

But if one person was struggling

The rest struggled too

Why was this?

Well

We were all so in tune with each other 

And if one persons behaviours were very disordered 

That permeated through the group

But also if some one was making positive steps 

It was almost like it gave permission to the other girls to do the same

So I think being part of an ED community can both help and hinder

As ED sufferers 

We have to battle triggers every single day 

Triggers that can send us right back in to the arms of our ED 

So support is essential 

And very necessary 

I know that I couldn't possibly do this on my own 

No way

No how 

We crave to be around others like us 

So we know that we are not alone 

This can be both a blessing and a curse

I guess it would be like an alcoholic or a dug addict

In their addiction 

They spent all their time with other addicts

Whether they liked them or not 

They were on the same wave length

But when one addict gets clean

They absolutely have to change one thing 

And that one thing is everything

Including people, places and things

A recovering addict can not spend all their time with using addicts 

And expect to stay clean

As the saying goes

If you hang around a barbers for long enough

You will end up getting a haircut 

In the same vein

You are the company you keep

To answer the other question 

What role should our EDs play in our identity

This is also a great question

And again

Is something I addressed in treatment 

In the midst of our illness

Our identity and the illness become so emeshed 

I know when I was sick

My illness was my identity 

Everything else that I was was overshadowed by my ED

I was no longer a sister

A daughter

An auntie

A friend 

Now I was anorexic 

And precious little else 

I distinctly remember saying in treatment that I was so afraid to let go of my ED

As I didn't know what would be left without it 

I panicked about the fact that giving up my illness

Meant giving up my identity

When I was sick

I assumed the sick role

And when you have such a role for such a long time 

It's very hard to break away from it

For me 

I felt that my illness brought my family together 

And I worried that if I got well

Then I wouldn't be as close with my family

Because that's what happened when I became ill

My family came together 

And got very close 

So I feared the opposite would happen if I let my ED go

Eating disorders continue to be complex and difficult illnesses to treat

The person in question has to want to get well 

And will not get well until they decide to

No matter how much somebody wants it for you 

They can't do it for you

Support is essential 

I know I couldn't have got well without the support of various professionals, my family 

And of course you my beautiful blogger friends 

We alone can do it 

But we can not do it alone

As they say in the meetings 

I know for sure

That being part of this community has been a huge part of my life for the past three years

As you know 

I try to write every day

I spent copious amounts of time on blogger 

You girls are some of my best friends

I worry about our little community

As it seems to be ever shrinking all the time

Blogger seems to not be the place to be anymore

Instagram seems to be the cool place to be

But blogger will forever hold a special place in my heart

As its here that I started 

And I love to follow the stories of you girls 

Anyway

Let me know what you think about the questions posed in this post

And anything else on your mind.....

G

I got a text message the other day

Out of the blue

It was from a girl I was in treatment with a few years ago

A girl who I will call G

I met this girl when I was in hospital for the second time

In 2011

G was about half way through her treatment when I arrived

She had come in to hospital at a dangerously low weight

She was very ill

G struggled through treatment 

Struggled to break out of being sick

And all that went with

I firmly believe

Whether we like it or not

That our EDs serve a purpose 

There is a reason that we are eating disordered 

Because we get some sort of payoff from it

Whether that be attention

The relief of anxiety

The numbness 

The protection

The not feeling

I guess it's different for everyone 

Anyway 

Back to G 

She had a history of self harm also 

And suicide attempts 

Towards the end of her treatment 

She was discharged as an inpatient

And started to come as a day patient 

From the start she really struggled 

She self harmed when she was at home 

And began to purge 

I remember thinking that purging was a useless effort 

And told her so 

But she continued to deteriorate 

She took up a lot of time in groups 

Asked to see the doctor nearly every day 

Some of our group began to resent her 

And the attention she seemed to need

But as I have since learned from being in treatment numerous times 

Sometimes there is competition among patients to be the sickest

To need to most attention from staff

To be the thinnest 

And the most eating disordered 

I've come across it many times 

Heck, I've been there myself 

In competition with other girls to lose weight

Steering conversations to get the other person to tell you how thin you are

I've been there

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

Often people

As in family and staff members

Tip toe around the person with an ED

And that is understandable 

Because the person is in a very vulnerable position

They can be weak

Mentally and physically 

But it also means that the person in question is kept in cotton wool

I remember when I was in treatment 

The person who ran the Eating Disorder Recovery Programme was a nurse

She was the nicest person you could ever meet

She was really like a mother to all us patients 

I never once saw her lose her cool

Or get frustrated or fed up

And she was dealing with ED patients all day every day

When this nurse went on holidays 

Another nurse from the ward would take over

This nurse was much more hard hitting 

She really took no prisoners 

She was honest

Brutally so

Direct 

And did not hold back

But you know what ?

I actually did better with this nurse

I responded better to her

I'm not saying that's the same for everyone

I'm sure the softly softly approach works for done 

But not for me 

I'm digressing again

Back to G

We texted back and forth 

She told me that she was also diagnosed the borderline personify disorder

And was put on a cocktail of meds 

Due to these meds 

She went from a size six

To a size twenty very quickly 

And even though she was still very much bulimic 

Was not treated for her ED 

Because she was not underweight

This is something that makes my blood boil

Everyone is on red alert when someone is underweight

And rightly so

It's a dangerous time

And as we all know

Anorexia has a high mortality rate 

But just because someone has regained weight to a healthy BMI

Does not mean they are cured

Of course they could be on the road to recovery

But often times the person is still struggling

I have found that because I punished my body so much over the years 

Now 

My body physically won't let me lose any significant amount of weight anymore

My weight tends to fluctuate around five kilos up or down 

But that's it 

It's like my body won't let me be underweight anymore

And that's fine with me

But yes 

It's a common problem among the ED community 

Often the body recovers long before the mind

So we are left with a healthy body 

But a very anorectic mind

And that let me tell you is a living hell

Everyone tells you how well you look

And all you want to do is slice the flesh off your body

Often those who are bulimic 

Maintain a healthy weight

But that does not mean they are healthy

There could be all sorts of complications under the surface

This is the ignorance of people

They don't know enough about eating disorders to be aware of this information

So it's up to us 

The ED community 

To let people know 

To educate them 

That eating disorders come in all sizes from obese to emaciated to everything in between

I know that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight 

Fact

I rely felt for G

She has been through the mill

And although her BMI is now healthy

She still struggles

It was good to hear from her though

You form strong bonds with the girls you meet in treatment 

They are fellow soldiers in the war against  this thing we call ED

I'm hoping they through our blogs

We might be able to educate people about EDs

Mental health is still quite a taboo subject

And eating disorders and other conditions are still whispered about 

Rather than talked about 

I'm hoping that in my life time 

This will change 

People will talk openly about their issues

Without fear of being labelled 'crazy'

We've all grown up with someone on our street or in our neighbour hood

Who was labelled 'nuts' or 'mad'

I know my auntie lived in the same estate as my family

She was called Mad Mary

It's cruel

But it's because people don't understand 

And they fear what they don't understand 

My auntie was not mad

She had a bona fide mental illness

But instead of helping or understanding 

People chose to ridice her

I've often written here about my fathers side of the family

Out of his ten brothers and sisters 

All of them have suffered with some form of mental illness or addiction

My mothers side of the family has none

And out my my two sisters and my brother

My sisters and I all have been diagnosed with mental illness and addiction

And live with these traits every day

My brother on the other hand is most like my mother

Go figure 

Anyway 

That's my Sunday morning rant over

Don't know if I made any sense 

Congratulations if you made it this far 

Both in this post 

And in life

Ha 

I have officially stopped making sense 

Think I'll go and stick my head in the oven...

(That is a figure of speech in my house

Whenever someone gets fed up they say 'I think I'll go and stick my head in the oven' ala Sylvia Plath)

Ok enough!

Goodbye 

Adios 

See you on the next post....