Iron minds

A new show started on TV here last night

Called Iron Minds

The premise of the show is all about the correlation between physical and mental health

The show is presented by Niall Breslin

Better known as Bressie 

Bressie is the former lead singer of the band The Blizzards 

He is also a judge on the Irish The Voice

And has spoken out very publicly about his battle with depression and anxiety

Bressie is regarded as a well rounded individual here 

He also happens to be a 6'2 hunk which gets him a lot of female attention

But more than that 

He is just a really really sound guy

And genuinely wants to help others 

In recent years 

Bressie has turned to health and fitness to help him battle his demons

He runs, swims and cycles

Regularly competing in triathlons and Ironmans

To see if he could help others in the same position 

Bressie recruited four people from the four corners of Ireland

Orla 

Mark

Colm

And Jade

And put them through a series of endurance challenges 

All under the watchful eye of medical experts of course 

All the participants had varying degrees of mental illness 

Jade suffered from depression and tricotilamania 

Both the guys suffered from depression 

And Orla probably had the saddest story 

She had recently lost her Mum to cancer

And her sister to suicide 

She is also a single mother

Orla is actually from my area

She is a Pilates instructor

And attended the same yoga class I did last year

I never really said more than hello to her

But I remember my sister saying that she was a cold fish 

But it turns out she wasn't 

She was actually dealing with a hell of a lot

Her whole world was caving in 

And was probably going around in a complete haze 

It just goes to show 

You can't judge people 

As you just don't know what they are dealing with

Someone who appears unfriendly or distant or cold 

Might actually be going through the wars

Usually if someone is like that with me

I usually presume it's me they don't like or don't wAnt to talk to

But 

As I remind myself regularly 

It's not all about me 

This is a huge lesson

To make allowances for others 

You never know what is going on in their heads 

The four participants all had a base line of fitness

The all ran regularly 

And Mark was a former competitive cyclist 

So they weren't couch potatoes as such

At the beginning of the show

All four spoke about their illness

The crippling low moods 

The heavy feeling in their body

The weariness 

The feeling of being swamped by negative thoughts

I could relate to every word 

I thought they were so brave 

To go on national TV 

And talk about their deepest darkest issues 

It was clear that they all wanted to move forward 

And their strength and honesty shone through

First 

The participants were put through a fitness test 

They were also tested medically and psychologically 

And deemed fit and well to take part 

They were under the care of a team of professionals 

Nutritionists 

Psychologists 

Doctors 

And of course Bressie

Who was there for them every step of the way 

Then

The next challenge 

Was to swim in a body of open water 

Bressie brought them to a lake in the Midlands 

And had them swim 1km

They will all very anxious about the task 

But were determined to finish it

The two girls did well

And completed the swim first and second

The guys however 

Really struggled 

And one had a mini panic attack half way through the swim

Afterwards 

They had a mindfulness session 

And also cognitive behavioural therapy

Again

I was blown away by their willingness to talk so openly 

It really was inspiring

At one point in the show

Orla hit a real low point

And was struggling to cope

The psychologist visited her at home for a chat 

She spoke of how she was struggling to get over the death of her mother and sister 

She was asked if her mother was there 

What her mother would say to her

Orla replied that she would say

'Relax and enjoy it'

She was then asked if her sister was there, what Orla would say to her

She had one simple question 

'Why?

Why did you do it?

Why didn't you speak to one of us?

Why were you so proud?'

It was heartbreaking to watch 

A few weeks later 

And Bressie set their next task

To compete in a half Iron Man

Which comprised a 1km swim

A 20km bike ride

And a 5 km run

Again 

They were all extremely nervous 

But they had all trained hard 

And we're ready 

Brilliantly 

They all finished

With Jade coming first 

I could see they were on such a high

The feeling of accomplishment was clear to see on their faces 

I really enjoyed the show

And probably more so because I knew one of the participants 

I think the concept is a great idea

As I firmly believe there is a strong link between mental health and physical health

I can see it working in my own life 

I walk every day 

Lea especially is always keen to go for a walk 

And that's great for me

As some days it's hard to leave the house 

But I would never refuse my dogs a walk

I also started back swimming recently 

And go once or twice a week

I actually hate the thought of going swimming 

Having to organise myself to go

Getting in to the cold water 

And taking ages to warm up

But once I am there 

I really enjoy it

And I always feel great after pushing myself 

It's great for my mental health 

My confidence

Self esteem 

And it generally gives me a good feeling

I would also love to take up running

But my body doesn't seem to want to let me do that 

So I will stick to walking 

The show also showed 

How important it is to get out there and get stuck in to something 

Be that exercise

A support group

Volunteering 

Being around other people is good for us 

It takes us out of ourselves 

It's talking to others 

And getting out of our own heads 

It definitely helped me see that I need to do this more 

Get out of the house

Get involved in activities 

Meet people 

Learn new skills 

I am a loner at heart 

But I also love people 

So it's something to think about 

The show is on again next week

So I wil update you then

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you believe that there is a link between mental and physical health?

Have you seen that work in your own life?

Do you find that getting out and about helps you?

What role does exercise play in your life?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Not Backing Down

Apologies for not replying to comments yesterday

I just didn't have the energy

The last few days have been exhausting 

And it's taken a toll

Stupidly 

I really let those negative comments get to me 

My mood suffered 

My family noticed 

They kept telling me to shake it off

But being as hyper sensitive as I am

It took me a while

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughtful comments over the last week

Knowing that you are there makes this whole blogging experience worthwhile 

But I'm done defending myself 

Especially against faceless, nameless anonymous comments 

I guess it all points to the fact that my self esteem and self worth are not in a great place

And I need to work on that 

As they say in AA

Recovery happens sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly

It's not something that can be measured

But it's definitely something to look at

But look

These problems are small fry compared to some 

You may think I have an easy life anonymous

But you only see a fraction of my life 

I don't write about my family

And the issues going on there 

I have much that I don't write about 

So please 

Don't judge me

You have no right to 

So I'm not backing down

I'm not going to leave blogger

It means too much to me 

You mean too much to me 

And for what it's worth 

I'm not giving up on recovery either

And am trying my best to get back on track

Yes 

I have lost weight 

But I am doing everything in my power to put the brakes on

It's not easy 

Once my ED is given half a chance 

It jumps in to drivers seat

And takes over the whole show 

Let's hope this is a slip more than a relapse 

Some of you pointed out that blogging the way I do is like a job 

I've always thought that 

Blogging is something I do at the same time every day

In the same place

Often I have to research something before I write about it 

And I reply to comments which also takes time 

Granted 

It's not a paid job 

But I get something so much more than money from writing this blog 

I do it because I love it

Because I hope it helps others 

Because I feel compelled to share my story and experiences 

In the hope that it will go some way to fight the battle against eating disorders 

So

I'm here to stay 

Even if anonymous would rather I go and cry in the corner 

I guess the thing is not to react to these comments 

It only gives them power

I'm not prepared to do that any more 

And interestingly 

Anonymous did not comment on my last post 

Anyway 

That's it from me today 

This is the last time I write about this subject

I am done defending myself 

I'm off to walk my dogs 

And spend a lazy Sunday 

Yes anonymous 

What a lazy, unemployed waste of space I am.....

Judgment

I hit a really low point yesterday

Yesterday's post was written out of a place of having to defend myself 

I felt attacked by the anonymous comments who told me to 'Grow up' and 'Get a job'

And because my confidence is on the low side 

I didn't have the ability to see these what these comments were

An faceless, nameless, anonymous commenter

Someone who reads my blog

But doesn't approve of my lifestyle 

They obviously have a bee in their Bonnet about my not working 

And have been very vocal about that lately 

I actually thought about deleting my blog and leaving blogger yesterday 

That's how bad I felt 

I spoke to various members of my family 

And consensus was to ignore said comments

Read and delete

They pointed out that I don't know these people 

And their opinions shouldn't matter

Much like what a lot of you wrote on the comments section too

I'm not leaving though 

There may be negatives to writing this blog

But there are more positives 

So I will continue to blog

And continue to fight for recovery

You also suggested that I disable anonymous comments 

I would do this only that there are quite a few readers who comment under anonymous but who always leave their names 

So I don't want to do that 

Also I want to get to a place where I can read these comments and not give them a second thought

So I will leave it as it is for now

The thing is 

I felt judged yesterday 

I felt like my whole life was being torn apart 

I know I put myself out there 

So I should expect such judgment 

It's amazing how someone can get up on their high horse and cast judgment on others 

I mean 

My life is not perfect 

I do the best I can 

I am struggling at the moment 

Big time 

But I am trying my level best to get back on track 

If there is one thing I don't do 

Is judge others 

You may smoke 40 cigarettes a day

You may drink your weight in wine

You may smoke a joint from time to time

Or maybe every day 

You may never donate to charity 

Or only shower once a week

You may have stolen in your time 

Or not paid a parking fine 

You may be a staunch workaholic 

Or not work at all

You may have purple hair 

A face full of piercings 

And a body covered in tattoos

You may be gay

Bisexual 

Transgender 

Whatever it is 

I am not here to judge you

Your life is your life 

And you can do with it as you please 

Let those with out sin cast the first stone and all that 

So go ahead anonymous 

Judge me

Judge me for all your worth 

I know I'm a good person

I bet if you were dealing with what I am dealing with 

You wouldn't be perfect either

I put myself out there to help others 

And myself 

If putting others down is what does it for you 

Then go ahead 

I've dealt with worse than you in my life

Far far worse 

Live and let live I say

In the words of One Direction

'Nobody can drag me down'

Ha 

Can't believe I just quoted One Direction!

I don't even like them!

Can you tell I'm feeling better today....

The working world

An anonymous reader left a comment on yesterday's post

Asking about the fact that I don't work

And pointing out that I have it easy

I replied to the comment in my replies yesterday

But I also felt a need to write a post addressing this issue

As I'm sure there are others who wonder about my situation 

I'm not annoyed or upset by this question

And I have absolutely no problem in replying 

To the outside world

It may look like I have it easy 

And I guess in some ways I do 

I live with my Mum

And I live here not only because I can't afford to move out on my own

I live here because I like living with my Mum

To all intents and purposes 

It feels like we are house sharing

Rather than living with a parent

I contribute to rent and bills

As well as paying my own car and phone bills 

I do my share of the house work 

And we take it in turns to cook

It would make no sense for me to move out now 

And try to maintain the running of a house/flat on my own

And more than all of that 

I am happy here 

I kind of feel like I am defending myself here

And that's not why I wanted to write this post 

I may look like I am having a great ol' time not working and living off the state

It hasn't always been this way

Up until my ED developed 

And even during my ED

I worked 

I always worked 

A few years ago I was put on disability allowance

And have been on it since

My last job was teaching dance to kids 

I taught 4 classes a week

But over night 

I lost my confidence

And never went back

Confidence poses a huge obstacle for me as regards work 

I just don't have the confidence that I can do a job

And do it well

My self esteem has taken a battering over the years 

It's been shattered 

And I'm only now beginning to put it back together 

I also don't want to secure a job until I am sure that I can maintain it 

I did apply for part time positions during the summer 

But nothing came of those 

I really want to feel capable of holding down a job before I start working

I have a long history of starting things and not finishing them

And that really knocks your confidence 

I want to be in the best frame of mind possible 

And I'm just not there yet

Which brings me to my next point

I don't know guys 

I don't even think I can truthfully say that I am in recovery any more 

My head is all over the place

Purging has increased in the last couple of weeks 

My weight continues to drop 

And I am generally acting like a very eating disordered person

To be honest 

I feel like I have one foot in recovery

And one foot in my illness

Committing to neither

Trying to have my cake and eat it too

I'm caught up in the honey moon phase of losing weight

And even though I know how this story ends 

I can't seem to stop

Logically and rationally 

I know what I am doing is wrong

It's the behaviour of someone who really should know better

It's scary 

The years are flying by

One year blends in to the next

And nothing changes

Yes over the last year I have been dabbling in recovery 

But did I ever really fully commit?

That's up for debate 

I know I need to man up

And choose a path 

One way or the other 

I can't have both

One always bleeds in to another 

And I'm left in this kind of limbo

A no mans land 

Neither here nor there 

That's not where I want to be 

I want to get well 

I do 

But I have to admit 

The safety of my ED appeals to me 

In that it's all I have to worry about 

Even though it's a living hell

I don't have to deal with life on life's terms 

I have often said that death doesn't scare me

Life scares me a hell of a lot more

Thus far

I haven't been able to handle life without the use of a substance 

Or a behaviour 

The truth is 

That I've not lived in reality for a long time

And now I'm wondering if I can't handle it at all 

I find living in reality hard

I don't know 

Maybe everyone feels like this 

And they just don't say it 

Maybe people just get on with things

And maybe that's what I should do too 

I don't know

So yes 

I know I am blessed in a lot of ways 

I have a strong family around me

And if anything bad ever happens 

They are there to help me put back the pieces together 

But please 

Don't think I have it easy

I fight a battle every day

To stay clean and sober 

To not inject myself with mind and body numbing drugs 

Sometimes I see or hear or smell something that reminds me of heroin

And literally have to stop my self from jumping in to my car and heading to get drugs 

A craving is a powerful thing 

And I get them all the time

Be it heroin 

Or alcohol

Or cigarettes

I fight to not lose the plot completely where food is concerned 

As I wrote recently 

My black and white behaviours means I eat all the food 

Or none of the food

I fight not to binge

And not to purge 

It doesn't always work 

But I keep trying 

Some days I wake up with a sense of impending doom

And I don't want to get up and face the day

Some days just getting out of bed is a triumph

Some days eating my lunch and keeping it down is a victory 

And sometimes just leaving my house to walk my dogs is success 

It's all relative

It's easy to look at someone else's life and think that the grass is greener

But I wouldn't wish the issues I deal with on anyone

I hope this explains my situation a bit better

And I'm happy to answer any other questions that you have 

You know the saying don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes?

I think that applies here...

Work!

For the past week

We have been having some work done in our house

In our kitchen

There used to be a divider between the kitchen itself and the dining/sitting room

The divider was two presses/cupboards

So really the kitchen was cut in half 

And caused a real lack of space 

There was always something in the way

The table

The cupboards 

Each other

We've been meaning to get this work done for years

And this week we finally got it done

Two men came to do the work

Who I will call Sean and Peter

We know Peter well

He has been doing work for us since we moved here ten years ago

He is also the guy that used to have a crush on me 

And tried to kiss me more than once

Anyway 

Because my Mum and I don't have a man in the house 

And we manage pretty darn well without one thank you very much

My Mother and I can do some of the work

But something's we do need a hand with 

Mainly outside jobs that we just wouldn't have the strength for 

So yes 

Peter has been here from the start

And more than a handiman 

He has become a family friend 

Although my sister can't stand him

She thinks he is a bit dim

Ok

He's probably not the sharpest tool in the box

But who are we to judge?

My Mum likes him because he is reliable and pleasant 

And he is 

So 

We told Peter what we wanted done

The barrier in the kitchen moved against the side wall 

Which would completely open up the kitchen

A new wood floor in the sitting area

And also the wood floor in our dining room replaced

As it was really in bad nic

Peter put us in touch with Sean

And a date was set for the work 

Although we knew there would be some upset in the house

We really weren't prepared for the magnitude of the work thdt needed to be done 

We had to take everything out of the kitchen

Out of the cupboards

The furniture 

The kettle which was moved to my bedroom

Which was essential 

As you know how much I love my tea

The kitchen was a no go area for those few days 

Poor Honey and Lea were banished to the utility room or outside

Lea elected to sit in my car 

I don't know why 

But she loves to sit in there

The air was blue with all the swearing that was going on

It was funny really 

Because Sean was obviously in charge of the operation 

And through the walls we could hear him shouting at Peter

'No not like that

You're doing it wrong you eejit'

'Pull it don't push it you stupid man'

'Not your left, my left'

'Straight!

Straight!!!

I said straight!!!!'

It really was great entertainment 

And we often sat and listened to them rather than turning on the TV 

A few days later 

And the kitchen was done

It made a massive difference in terms of space 

We didn't know what to do with ourselves we had so much room

The dogs were also very happy as they had much more room to stretch out on the floor 

We also moved the dining table over I front of the window 

As we have a fantastic view out over the mountain 

I would post photos only my camera is playing up 

So hopefully I will get them up soon

Then work moved from the kitchen to the hall

The whole floor had to be pulled up

Which also meant every thing in the hall had to be moved 

We put furniture any where we could fit it 

And every room and every space in the house was full of stuff 

And the work men didn't always turn up when they said they would 

So we were left living in a building site for a few days 

My job during the work was chief tea maker

And yes

That is an official title 

Sean was very particular about his tea 

Very strong 

With just a drop of milk

I like to think that I've got making tea down to a fine art 

I drink bucket loads of it myself 

The men 

Or Laurel and Hardy as my sister calls 

Had their lunch at 1pm every day

It was fascinating watching them

Peter usually had a sandwich that he pulled from his jacket pocket 

It was usually wrapped in cling film

And inevitably squashed flat

Like someone sat on it 

Sean on the other hand 

Took a more serious and professional approach to his lunch

Oh yes 

He had a proper lunch bag

I say bag

But it was actually like a small rucksack 

He had a menagerie of things in that bag

Cups

A flask 

Not just one or two teabags

But a whole box 

A small carton of milk

Sandwiches 

And many packets of crisps

I used to see him eating crisps more than a couple of times a day

No chocolate though I noticed 

He must be a savoury man

So yes

Being a people watcher 

I was do interested watching them

At the end of every day 

They would stand and look at the work they had done 

They loved being praised 

Do Mum and I would ooooh and aaaaah over the great work that the big strong men had done 

It was quite funny really

The work is all but done now

And I have to say

They did a fantastic job

We have so much more room

And their work was very neat and tidy

Now it's down to us to put the house back together 

And make it look pretty 

Some other little things came up while the workmen were here

On the odd occasion that I did purge

It was quite the secret operation

I guess I could have used the upstairs bathroom

But the flush is not as good as the one downstairs 

When I had to purge I tried to time it so that the men would not be there

But it wasn't always possible

And sometimes they were right outside the bathroom door

I guess it highlighted for me how not normal my behaviour can be

To me and my family 

My ED behaviours are so common and out in the open

They they have become normal

This week was a reminder that most people do not purge after eating 

And do look after their health

In other news 

My scale is definitely fecked 

So no idea what my weight is

But I'm trying my best to allow myself to eat when I'm hungry

And keep purging to a minimum 

Now that I've lost a few kilos

I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin

My clothes feel better 

They're not riding up or puckering in places 

I look more streamlined 

But still retain my curves 

I think I might have gone down a bra cup size or two

But that's no harm either

I don't want to lose any more weight I think 

I would just like to maintain the way I am 

Which is in between a size 8 and size 10

And I am happy enough with that 

So at the moment 

Life is pretty good

My mental health is good 

My physical health is getting better all the time 

Things are not perfect 

The are things I could improve on for sure 

My intake

My social life 

My meds 

I don't think things will ever be perfect for me

But then whose life is perfect?

No one I know

That's for sure  

Fate....

It seems that fate has intervened in my little dilemma 

And my scale has packed in

Infuriatingly 

Every time I stand on it 

It gives me a different reading

It is a Weight Watchers scale 

My second one in fact

And I find them really unreliable 

When I was out for my walk

I nipped in to the chemist to see if they had a different one

But they only had WW ones

So I am now scale less

And maybe that's a good thing

For now anyway

I was getting too caught up the numbers

So at least now I can just go by how I feel 

And I feel pretty ok

My clothes fit 

My hair and nails are healthy 

My skin is fine 

So let's go with that

I was wondering about you

Whether you are in recovery or not 

How often do you weigh?

Or do you think we should weigh at all?

How often do you weigh?

How often do you think is healthy?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Trying to bounce back

Ok

So I am struggling to snap out of diet mode

In just that short space of time

I got used to not eating junk food

And not eating after my evening meal

Then of course standing on the scale every morning is addictive

Especially when the numbers are going down

You see the thing is 

My eating has been disordered for as long as I can remember 

I know a bit about nutrition

But I think I really need to educate myself about healthy eating

Because I eat what I want 

When I want 

There is no rhyme nor reason to the way I eat 

I graze instead of eating fixed meals 

Although I do have a dinner every evening

But that doesn't always stay down 

So yes

I have a lot of work to do 

Because some where over the last couple of weeks 

I have slipped in to ED mode

Without even realising it

Dare I say it 

I am enjoying the feeling of being empty 

The dizziness when I stand up

The way my clothes feel looser

The false feeling of being in control

All this is making it difficult to get back on track

I am not underweight at all

But as I always say 

EDs have little to do with weight

You could be bang on a healthy weight

But be tortured inside your head

You may not be over weight or under weight

But still be caught in the midst of mental illness 

For me 

It's about my state of mind 

And my behaviours

And I know how quickly small issues can snowball in to a full blown relapse 

They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drug

Or your ED behaviours 

For me 

It started a few weeks ago

When I weighed myself for the first time in a long time 

And then the infamous navy jeans 

I really don't want to go back to being underweight and ill

I really don't 

But once your on the run away train that is an ED 

It becomes really hard to get off

The thing is 

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't know if I have another recovery in me

The energy it takes to pull myself out of the gutter is something that I don't know if I have any more 

But I should be able to do this 

Stop myself falling down the rabbit hole

I've caught this early 

And I think I can at least hold ground for the moment 

Following on from your comments

And something that Eve wrote

I am seriously considering finding someone to help me with my diet and exercise 

Or failing that

Really researching and educating myself about maintaining a healthy body and mind 

Again

I don't want to be underweight 

But I do want to feel comfortable in my own skin

My BMI now is 21

And I think that is in or around what I have always been when healthy 

I have put my body through a lot over the years 

Really used and abused it

I want to try and be a lot kinder to it

More gentle 

Because God knows for years I put it through hell 

Starving it 

Bingeing and purging up to 20 times a day

Injecting drugs in to it

And generally treating it like a dust bin

At the moment 

I am having a battle in my head

Over what to eat

When to eat 

How much to it 

It's absolute torture

I'm going around and around in my head

Fighting with myself 

Then feeling guilty when I do it

This is all very ED I know

It's scary how quickly it can take up residence again in our lives

Before you know it 

You are knee deep in behaviours

Something that I am really missing is Mary 

She was always so helpful and practical

And just talking it over with someone really helps 

I guess I could call her 

Even just for a quick phone chat

I also have my friend from treatment who I can speak to

And will hopefully see her in the next week

She is always great to talk to too

As she is fighting the same battle that I am

So 

I guess I just keep on keeping on

Keep writing 

Keep talking 

Keep eating 

Keep remembering how far I've come

And that I don't want to go back to that vain existence 

Keep trying to live my life the best way I can 

Keep being accountable 

Honest 

About my struggles

As well as my triumphs 

Keep connecting with others in the same position as me 

Keep my supports

My family 

Who are my biggest cheer leaders

My friends 

I don't have many 

But the ones I do have are precious 

My dogs 

Who continue to be the light of my life 

I'm not giving up

I'm not backing down 

Anorexia and bulimia 

I hope you are ready for war

Because I'm not backing down without a fight 

Bring it on bitch....