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Thursday 28 April 2016
Wednesday 27 April 2016
W is for weight!
Another ED related post
But there aren't a whole lot of words beginning with W
So weight it is
And it is topical
Given my last post
First
I want to thank you all for your valued feed back on my last post
I know you all have my best interests at heart
And I really appreciate that
I've decided not to go ahead with the media company
It just didn't feel right
It almost felt like the photos I provided weren't shocking enough
And that is really sad
I could go ahead and share the ones of me in my underwear
But they are so very personal
I just don't feel at all comfortable with it
You all made some really good points about the story they wanted to run
Emaciated girl gets healthy is a popular theme
The before and after
The shocking and the victory
From illness to recovery
That story has been told a million times
What about the majority of sufferers who are not underweight?
And who have never been physically compromised
That story is almost never told
Because it's not sensational
There are no emaciated bodies
No pointy bones
Or sharp angles
The story of say the girl with bulimia
Who is a healthy weight
Just doesn't capture the attention of an audience
But as you wrote yesterday
It's that story that needs to be told
So people are aware that EDs come in all shapes and sizes
Not just super skinny
I have stopped weighing myself
My scales broke
And I was weighing in my doctors surgery on a Monday
But I've stopped doing that now
Why?
Because it doesn't matter
The number does not matter
All I'm concerned about
Is that I feel good
I feel strong
I feel capable and able
My clothes fit
My hair and nails and skin are healthy
Unless I drastically lose or put on weight
I am not going to worry about it
And you know what?
It is the best feeling in the world
Letting go of that pressure and control
I feel like a weight has been lifted off me
Now I have so much to stay healthy for
So much to live for
I am no longer Ruby the anorectic/bulimic/addict
I am in recovery
I am a work in progress
I am letting go of the ties that bound me
Drugs
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Unhealthy food habits
I was at a meeting yesterday
And after it
Someone came up to me
And said that it was really good listening to me
That made my day
Because now I feel I have something to offer the world
I feel I can help others
Be a good person
And spread a message of hope
Because there is hope
There is always hope
I feel so blessed for what I have in my life
My family
My dogs
My friends
I have such good and strong people around me
I know I am more fortunate than most
If you do one thing today
I urge you to recognise the good things in your life
The people
The pets
The family and friends
As ED sufferers
We are so hard on ourselves
It's time we have ourselves a break
And look to the positives in our lives
Weight has absolutely no correlation to happiness
If it did
Then I would have been deliriously happy at my lowest weight
I wasn't
Happiness is not a number
It's a state of mind
Tuesday 26 April 2016
V is for Voyeurism!
Part of an ED that can be very sick and twisted
Is other people wanting to see the skeletal body of the sufferer
People like to be shocked
To me it's voyeurism
Like when you pass a car crash
You can't help but look
I was contacted by a media company a few weeks ago
They asked if they could have an informal chat with me over the phone
And I agreed
So they rang
And we had a conversation
But straight away
I felt some red flags popping up
She wanted to know my lowest weight
Smallest clothes size
And seemed very interested in the numbers
But then people always are
So I didn't think too much about it
Then they asked for some photos of me when I was underweight
I really needed to think about that one
I don't have photos of me at my lowest weight
But I do have photos of me over the years underweight
I also have a few photos of me in my underwear
Which my brothers girlfriend took
But they are very personal photos
And I didn't feel comfortable sharing them
I did however find some photos that I felt ok sharing
And sent them to the media company yesterday
They got back to me this morning
And said the photos aren't suitable
That they want to see more of my body
And could I send some more explicit photos
That right there was enough for me to worry
Like typical media
They wanted the photos to shock
To sensationalise my disorder
They want to see emaciated bodies
Pointy bones
And sharp angles
Which I can understand
People are curious
They want to know what drives someone to starve themselves in to emaciation
The girl from the media company emailed me back
And told me that they need some photos to show how ill I was
To contrast with how well I am now
To be honest
The girl from the company seems lovely
And has said many times if I don't feel comfortable doing this
I can pull out at any time
So I really don't know what to do
I don't want to be exploited
I don't want to be used
I don't want to be put in a vulnerable position
Where I leave myself exposed
But at the same time
It is a good opportunity to spread awareness
And a message of hope
It's a tricky one
I emailed the girl back
And told her thdt I need a couple of days to think about it
I will speak to Mary about it on Thursday
I know this is typical media
Wanting the shock factor
Something for their readers to gasp at
And to read more
It seems to me that people ate fascinated with EDs
They want to see the lengths we go to for our illness
They want to see us wasting away
They pity us
Which I hate
Because I don't want your pity
I don't want your sympathy
It's hard enough to live with an ED without you getting your kicks out of looking at my underweight body
I'm not a victim
I'm a survivor
Have you ever experienced this?
Sunday 24 April 2016
U is for Undeterred!
I was having trouble coming up with a word for the letter U
I was going to do underweight
But after what happened yesterday
It could only be one word
Undeterred
Rewind to Thursday
I got it in to my head
That I wanted to do more riding
And check out the stables in my area
I got a couple of numbers
But got no answer
So I decided to call in to an equestrian centre that's about 20 minutes from my house
I'd been to this centre before
A few years ago when I did a beach trek with my sisters
So I knew where it was
My Dad and I set off
We drove in to the yard
And we were greeted by a woman called Rachael who runs the place
I asked her about the possibility of lessons
She said they don't do adult lessons
As they don't have the demand for them
But she did say I could book a private lesson
Costing €35 for half an hour
And €45 for an hour
So I decided to book a half hour lesson for yesterday
Half an hour doesn't sound like a lot
But when you are riding with no break
It's exhausting
The lady asked me about my experience
I said I could trot and canter
I'm now thinking after what happened I shouldn't have said I could canter
As I've only really done it once
Anyway
Sunday came
And I spent all day looking forward to my 4pm lesson
The time finally came
And my Mum and I set off
First I had to get fitted for boots and a hat
The lady said to me that I had skinny legs
And gave me a pair of children's boots
Ha!
My ED loved that one!
So I got myself kitted out
And then went around to the stables
Rachael introduced me to my horse called Sonny
And OMG!
He was huge!
Much larger than Star
We went in to the in door arena
Where I held Sonny until my teacher came
She came like a ball of energy
Susan was her name
Something I've noticed
Is that horse people are hardy
Very hardy
The second thing I noticed about Susan
Was that she had two facial piercings the same as me
Straight away
She had me get up on Sonny
And straight in to a trot
There was no messing around with this girl
The first thing I noticed about Sonny
Was that he was much faster than Star
An awful lot faster
But it felt amazing!
Soon she asked me to go in to a canter
From a trot
You sit in to the saddle
And kick and squeeze with your legs
I grabbed the safety strap
And kicked on
What happened next happened so fast I can barely remember what happened
Sonny shot off like a bullet
And completely took me by surprise by how fast he was going
As he turned the corner
I could feel myself losing control
And began to slip off the side of the saddle
My feet came out of the stirrups
So I had nothing holding me on
I was bouncing around on Sonny like nobodies business
And the the next thing
I tumbled off
And fell in a heap at the side of the track
The first thing I thought was Sonny was going to go over me
And I instinctively curled up to protect myself
I don't know where Sonny went
But he didn't run over
The thing was
I could feel myself falling
But even though it seemed to happen in slow motion at the time
I still got a huge shock
I got up straight away
Susan asked what if I was ok
And if I was hurt
I didn't think I was
Nothing was broken anyway
I asked her for a minute to catch my breath
She said ok
But to get back up on the horse first
I tried to mount Sonny
But I was shaking so much
I couldn't get a grip to pull myself up
Second time
I managed
And I just sat there for a moment
Susan said it was important to get straight back up on the horse
As the longer I left it
The harder it would be
Soon I was ready to go again
And we began to walk around the arena
Slowly at first
Then trotting
Then Susan asked if I felt ok to canter again
I must admit
I was afraid
But I really wanted to try again
I didn't want my fear to get the better of me
So I tried again
Straight away
Susan stopped me
And said she knew why I fell
It was my feet
In riding
You are supposed to push your heels down and toes up to anchor yourself
But i was riding with my toes down and heels up
So I was totally unbalanced
After she discovered the problem
I was able to correct it
Although I found it hard
I felt like I was sickling my feet
The way I used to do in ballet
So Susan was constantly shouting at me
Heels down!
Heels down!
We tried the canter again
And this time I felt a lot more sturdy and balanced
Susan said it was one hundred times better
By the end of the lesson
I was wrecked
And sweat was pumping out of me
Susan showed me how to put up the stirrups
And take off the saddle
And the bridle
Which was good to learn
I was still pretty shook as I went back to change out of my boots and hat
Susan said if I am going to pursue horse riding
Then that was my first fall of many
To be honest
It had never occurred to me that I might fall off the horse at some point
I had no fear about it
As I always thought that a fall happened when jumping
Now I know different
Susan said I could join the kids class on a Saturday if I wanted to
Or I could continue with the private lessons
I stil don't know what I'm going to do
So I told her I would think about it
And give them a ring
The lesson yesterday was so different to the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday
Therapy is so informal and relaxed
And it's more about the social side of things
And less about technically getting better
It's about gaining confidence
And building a relationship with the horse and trainer
To be honest
I kind of felt like I was cheating on horse therapy going to another stables
I just wanted to do more of it though
As once a week is just not enough for me
So I'm wondering if I should tell Eilish I'm doing other lessons
Or should I continue with the extra lessons at all?
When I got home yesterday
I was telling my sister and her partner all about the fall
My sister was horrified
She said we will already have my mum in plaster
We don't need another broken bone in the house
She pleaded with me not to go back
But the thing is
I really want to
I really enjoy the adrenaline rush
The speed
The power
It's like a drug
My sister said that I always have to push things that little bit extra
And she is right
Maybe I am turning in to an adrenaline junkie!
Who knows?
So today
U is for undeterred
I got back on the horse after my fall
And i guess that's a metaphor for life
When you fall down
You dust yourself off
And get back up
Ready to fight another day
I guess I've been doing that my whole life
Maybe that's why the fall off Sonny didn't phase me too much
I woke up this morning
And my ribs and legs were hurting
I was in with my doctor
So he checked my ribs and lungs
Which were fine
But he said I may experience pain for a few days
But you know what?
I kind of enjoy the pain
It's a sign I was working hard
And loving every minute of it!
Rest Day
Today is another rest day on the A - Z Challenge
So I thought I would take the opportunity to write a personal post about what's going on for me and my family
Next Friday my Mum is having surgery in Dublin
A few weeks ago
She saw a consultant
And the surgery date is next week
It's surgery on her foot
Her toes to be precise
You see, for as long as we can remember
Mum has had a wonky toe
Her big toe is kind of growing the wrong way
And is almost as a right angle to the rest of her toes
Her toe had been a source of fun over the years
Especially during the summer when her feet are out
I would show you a picture
But I don't want to scare you
But if you look up 'Hammer Toe' on Google
You will surely find some pics
Anyway
Up until recently
Mums funny toe hasn't given her any trouble
Apart from the way it looks
Which never has really bothered her
But now
She gets pain in her foot and up her leg
So we finally managed to get her to go to the doctor
Who promptly referred her to a consultant in Dublin
Who told Mum it was one of the worst cases he has seen
He immediately booked her in for surgery
It's sounds like a small and simple procedure
But it is in fact complicated
Both the big toe and the toe next to it will broken
Straightened
And pins will be inserted to keep the toes in place
All done under general anaesthetic of course
Mum will be in quite a bit of pain following the procedure
And will be off her feet for a couple of months
So needless to say
We will be looking after her for that period of time
My sister and I live here
So we will be doing the bulk of the work
But we have another sister and brother who will hopefully help too
We have already done out a roster for cooking and cleaning etc
But I'm sure there are some things that we haven't even thought of yet
We'll get through it
Albeit with a few sibling arguments and tiffs
The other thing is
That recently I have become aware of my own big toe
As it seems to be heading in the same direction as Mums
Which is a worry
But I guess I don't need to worry about it just yet
But I definitely won't let it go as bad as my Mums
Whose foot is now quite deformed
My Dad is also going to see a consultant in Dublin next month
It's his hands
Over the years the muscle in his hands has wasted away
And he now has very little power or strength in them
He can't close buttons
Open jars
His hands are quite disabled now
It was hard to get him to go to the doctor
But he finally did recently
And was referred to the consultant
I really hope they can do something to help his hands
As soon they will be completely useless if something isn't done
It's worrying
Both my parents having separate health issues
I guess it's a reminder that they are not getting any younger
It's scary to think that they are getting older
I'm not ready for it
Even though I'm 34
I feel like I am still growing up
I need them
I still need my parents
It's scary
It feels like the rug is being pulled from under us
And all of a sudden
They are old
I guess we are never ready to lose our parents
And I don't think that will happen for a long time
But it's something that will happen
Whether we are ready or not
Having said all that
I was wondering about you
Do you still have your parents?
Or have you lost either parent?
Are your parents getting older and having health problems?
How do you feel about it?
Are you worried about them?
Saturday 23 April 2016
T is for Tea!
All my life
I've been a confirmed tea drinker
Even as a baby
I used to take hot, sweet tea in my bottle
I was very attached to my bottle of tea
And having spoken to my Mum about it this morning
She tells me that I used my bottle of tea as a comfort up until the age of four
I can remember hiding said bottle when people came over
Since then
Tea has been a source of warmth and comfort to me
That first cup in the morning is heaven
And when I smoked
A cuppa and a cigarette could put the world to right
I can't lie
I miss that feeling
A hot steaming cup of tea
And a Carrolls cigarette
Anything could be solved over it
I've never been a coffee drinker
Most of my family are coffee drinkers
But I've never developed a taste for it
I wish I liked coffee
As it looks very sophisticated
And I'd love to go in to a coffee shop and order a long black
But no
I am a dedicated tea drinker
And nothing else will do
It wasn't until I developed my ED
That my tea drinking got out of hand
If tea drinking can get out of hand
Now I must drink 10- 15 cups a day
Depending on what I am doing
If I am at home
I will make one cup after another
And drink it like it is going out of fashion
I also have particular cups that I drink out of
I'm very picky about my cups
The need to be narrow
Quite tall
Preferably with a nice design
I don't like cups with an internal colour
I like them to be white on the inside
I have my favourite cups
And no other cups will do
When I gave up smoking
It took me quite a while to get used to having a cup of tea without a smoke
It just wasn't the same
But as they say
You can make or break a habit in 21 days
And eventually
Like everything
I got used to it
Oh
And the tea has to be Barry's
I don't use sugar that much anymore
And use 4 sweeteners instead
Right
I'm off to make another cuppa
See you on the next post....
Are you a tea or coffee drinker?
Friday 22 April 2016
S is for Summer!
Summer is fast approaching
And as you know
I have a few things in the pipeline
There is the possibility of a job
And also a course I could do
Which is over a year long
IT and communications
Two days a week
This week
I got a call from the manager of the holiday centre where I applied to work
She asked me if I was still interested in work
And told me to pop in yesterday morning to have a chat
So I did
She showed me around the building
Which can cater up to 60 people at a time
The living areas
The dining room
The office
Then we sat down so she could tell me in depth about the job
She asked about my situation
I told her that I am on a disability benefit
And because the job is only a summer job
I am keen to hold on to that payment
She totally understood that
She asked me why I am on disability
So I explained that I am recovering from an eating disorder
I had no problem telling her that
But then she became concerned that the job might be too much for me
She told me that the job is not only physically demanding
But also very emotionally demanding
You see the holiday centre is run by a charity
Whose aim is to give people a holiday who generally can't afford on
It's not free
But it is at a reduced cost
So a lot of the people staying are vulnerable
Or have difficult circumstances
Different situation may arise
And I would need to be very switched on to deal with them
The manager explained that the person she hires needs to have a lot of cop on and common sense
A jack of all trades were the words she used
I told her that I would be available to work the 20 hours a week I am allowed work
She said she would have to bring thdt information back to the board members to discuss
And said she would get back to me next week
I know that a lot of you think that I should take the full time work
And I would love to
But I worry that it would be too much for me
And I might cave under the pressure
Plus I wouldn't have the time to look after my dogs
Horse riding
Writing
Blogging
Meetings
And appointments
If I could work the 20 hours
That would work perfectly
But I don't know if it will happen
Then there is the course
I went to talk on it yesterday
And I have an interview for it on Monday
The course is two days a week
For 16 months
So it suits me really well
If I got the 20 hours work
Then I could probably squeeze the course in too
My other option is not to work at all and do the course
The course work includes work experience
So I would get some work over the next year
Anyway
I will wait for the manager to get back to me about the job
And I will go ahead and do the interview for the course
But right now
I am leaning towards doing the course
Even though it is a bit of a dilemma
It's great to have options
It's great to be well enough to do these things
I feel like things are starting to come together for me
That my life is coming together
And that is nothing short of amazing
I'd love to know what you think though
Your views and opinions
So don't be shy
Get in touch....
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