Happiness is.....

.....when your neighbour whose known you for the past 12 years 

Tells you that you have bloomed and blossomed since starting work

First 

I must apologise 

For my lack of posts 

My lack of comments 

Even my reading your blogs 

Blogger used to be my whole world 

I immersed myself in to the ED community 

As I had no real life to speak of 

I turned to blogger 

And the people here 

For social  interaction

For support 

Advice 

And friendship 

My ED was all consuming 

I can remember so clearly 

All I did every day 

Was either binge and purge like a maniac

It not eat at all 

As recently as Christmas 

My life was a shit show

I was a mess 

A hot vomit stinking bony mess

Thankfully 

I am beyond that now 

It is all a memory 

Instead of being my reality 

Life then took off like a rocket 

As the pieces of my life began to slit in to place 

The rest as they say 

Is history 

But yes 

I was over with my neighbour today 

She asked about work 

And said I had bloomed and blossomed since starting 

She said that even the way I carry myself is different 

This was so lovely to hear 

As I guess I don't always see the changes in myself 

I do know that I feel more confident 

More sure of myself 

I suppose that comes from my job dealing with people all day every day

Your self esteem can't help but grow 

This week in work 

We were talking about what we will do for our end of season staff party 

There have been lots of suggestions 

But our ages range from 19-60

So it's hard to think of something that will suit everyone 

If you have any suggestions 

They would be greatly appreciated

In other news 

My methadone was reduced today 

So I am now on 22mls 

It's both thrilling and terrifying 

My doctor has been trying to reduce it for the past few weeks 

And I have been putting up resistance 

But today 

I was all out of excuses

And had to bite the bullet 

It's only a 2ml drop

And I know I won't even miss it 

But still 

It's hard 

It's scary 

I don't like it 

Although to be honest 

Some days I completely forget to tAke my meds 

As my mind is on work 

When I come home from work 

I am so tired 

And fall asleep meds or no meds

So 

All in all 

Things are good 

Life is good 

I feel good 

I have no earthly clue what I weigh 

And quite frankly my dear 

I don't give a damn

Ten bonus points if you can tell me which film that quote is from....

Also 

I wanted to thank you 

My readers 

My friends 

My blogger family 

For sticking by me on this roller coaster of a ride we call life 

Every step of the last four years has been documented here 

From the depths of despair 

To the highs of finally finding recovery 

Things are going well for me now 

And I can only hope that my story gives you hope

That you too can get well

Can recover 

And can have a life after ED and addiction

Because it is possible 

It is a reality for me and many others 

In saying that 

I have been in that place 

Where recovery seems nigh on impossible

Like something that happens to other people 

I've been crippled by my illness

But I promise you 

If you can just take they first difficult but crucial step

You will see the benefits immediately 

And you will want more 

Because now 

I can honestly say 

That I want to live 

I want to be alive in this world 

As uncertain and scary as it is right now 

I still want to be here 

Death has never scared me

Life always scared me more 

And it still is scary 

But I feel like I am in a place where I can tackle it 

So please 

If you do one thing today 

After reading this 

Give yourself a break

Put down the whip 

And do something nice for yourself 

God knows we are so hard on ourselves 

We would never treat others the way we treat ourselves 

Because you matter 

You are special 

There is no other you 

And the world needs you 

Even if you think you are insignificant 

You're not 

You are wanted and needed

I promise you that 

So let's do it girls 

Let's stop bullying ourselves 

Putting ourselves down 

Berating ourselves 

We are intelligent 

Caring 

Kind 

And smart people 

We matter to those around us

Never forget that....

Catch Up

Yes 

A catch up is well over due 

I seem to be blogging less and less now

That is both a good and a bad thing

Life is busy and full

I work four days a week

Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday

On my days off 

I catch up on house work 

Horse riding 

And appointments 

Up until today 

My wages have been emergency taxed

Which meant almost half my pay was taken 

But today 

I got a lovely surprise 

When I checked my bank balance 

And saw that it had all been refunded 

What a lovely way to start the day

I was able to give a lot of money towards the house

And towards the new washing machine we need 

Which was a lovely feeling to be able to do that 

I also heard back from the disability section of social welfare 

I had to send them some pay slips 

So they could means test my disability against it

I did everything above board and legit 

And in actual fact 

My disability was reduced by only €8

Which is fantastic!

My work is considered therapeutic 

So I get to work 

And keep my payment 

But yes 

Work is going really well

I can feel my confidence improving every day 

I've made new friends 

I'm thriving in my new environment 

And feel like I can do my job 

And do it well 

Because I did a couple of shifts for one of the girls last week

I have had the last few days off

Which has been nice 

But I do find myself getting a bit bored on days when I have nothing on 

I'm definitely going to see if I can continue working after the summer season

As I feel it is doing me the world of good 

The routine 

The structure 

The satisfaction of having earned my own money 

It's all adding up to make one very happy Ruby 

I am now six weeks in to work 

I can remember back in May

Just before I started 

I was beyond nervous 

And was fully prepared for the fact that it might not work out 

In fact I was almost expecting it to go belly up

Even after my first day 

I still felt like it wasn't sinking in

But like a lot of things 

I had to give it a chance 

And time to settle in 

Which when I started to relax

Began to happen 

The centre is busy these days 

Full capacity is 60

And a lot of those are children

And when the weather is bad 

No one goes out 

So the place is like a bomb hit

But that's ok 

It keeps me busy and honest 

In other news 

I am loving my new hair 

I really need to go and getting it done more often 

As it really gives me a boost 

I went back to horse riding yesterday too

Which was brilliant as always 

My canter is getting better 

As I continue to improve 

Star is amazing 

Even if he did stand on my foot yesterday 

I travelled to horse riding with Fintan

We always have a great chat and laugh 

We stop to get the horses a bag of carrots on the way 

And the minute they hear the rustle of the bag 

They are all looking over 

And kicking the doors of the stables

I've decided not to go back to the other stables 

And stick to horse therapy 

I told Fintan yesterday 

That I had been taking other lessons 

He didn't think it was a good idea either 

I kind of felt like I was being sneaky doing other lessons 

Plus the fact that the other lessons were harsher 

I was put in a group with much more experienced riders 

I was pushed to do things I didn't feel

Comfortable doing 

And more often than not 

I came out of the lesson feeling deflated 

So I think I will stick to therapy 

As regards my ED

It's in the background these days

I can't lie 

I do still struggle with purging 

But it's not every day 

And it's not impinging on my quality of life 

I've accepted that this is as good as it gets for me 

At least for now

I hope that in time 

I will phase it out completely 

I am eating a lot better though 

I eat three meals and snacks 

When I'm working 

I have my breakfast and lunch there 

And I'm so busy 

That I don't get a chance to think about restricting or purging 

Since I started work six weeks ago

I have purged once in work 

And I am determined to keep that behaviour out of my work place

I have no earthly clue what I weigh 

Really and truly I can't even make an educated guess

But my clothes fit 

And I feel healthy 

So let's go with that 

I am done measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces

I am done being a slave to my scales 

My clothes are a size 8

I think I look ok

So why would I ruin all that 

By putting a number on it 

And you can bet your ass that if I did weigh myself 

It would start off the cycle of hating my body 

And manipulating my food and weight 

I turn 35 in a few weeks 

I've been addicted and eating disordered for 16 years 

I will never get those years back 

But you know what? 

I don't regret a thing 

My experiences have shaped the person I am today 

And I would hope that I am a good person 

Doing my best to live my life as well as I can

I try to be a good person 

I try to be the best that I can be

I know that I am blessed with a strong family behind me 

And good friends around me

I have two beautiful dogs 

A job I love 

I live in a place where I am surrounded by beauty 

I have enough money 

Enough food 

A roof over my head 

A warm dry bed to sleep on

I know I am luckier than some 

And I am incredibly grateful for that 

My life is charmed compared to some 

And I appreciate everything that I have

I have always noticed 

That in support groups 

It tends to be those over 30 that seem to be doing well 

This makes sense to me 

As in your twenties 

I think you are still growing up 

And still think you are invincible 

Going out a lot 

Pushing boundaries 

I know for me 

I was in my thirties when I finally sorted out my drug addiction and alcoholism

And now my ED

I guess I was burned out 

Sick and tired 

And ready to give up the hard living 

As it just wasn't worth it anymore 

The negatives massively out weighed the positives 

I wanted something more out of life 

In addiction 

Nothing is real 

Your feelings are fake 

Your relationships are fake 

Your reality is fake 

I now want something that is real

And honest 

I am done living that life 

So 

Today is a good day 

I feel positive and hopeful 

And that my friends 

Is a minor miracle 

Let me tell you 

It is hard work staying clean and sober 

On top of managing an ED

But 

It is so worth it 

And I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China 

So please 

Today 

Take some comfort from the fact that I came through all this 

And you most certainly can too

I know it seems impossible 

Insurmountable 

But I promise you 

If I can do it 

So can you 

Recovery is the best gift you can give yourself 

It's right in front of you 

You just need to reach out and grab it 

New Do....

Having worked almost 30 hours last week

I decided to treat myself to a hair cut today 

I really wanted to go all grey

But when I spoke to my hairdresser

She advised against it 

As the colour is so severe on the scalp and hair 

And what with my having psoriasis

She advised me against it 

So 

Having looked at the other colours she had 

I decided to get a full head of ash blonde high lights 

I have to admit 

I was a bit nervous as to how it would turn out 

But seeing the finished result 

I was really happy 

I also got a good bit cut off the ends 

So that really tidied up my look

Anyway 

Enough with the words 

On to the photos....

Busy bee!

It's 2pm on a Saturday

I have just finished the morning shift at work

I worked yesterday's evening shift

And tomorrow I'm on all day

It's busy at work at the moment 

We have 53 guests staying 

Most of whom are children under 12

So the place needs a thorough and rigorous clean after each meal time 

The group that are staying with us this week are what we call travellers 

You may know them as gypsies 

Travellers in this country generally live in caravans 

On the road from place to place 

To be honest 

They have a bad name in this country 

But like any group of people 

It's a few bad eggs that ruin it for everyone 

So I was a bit worried how this week would go 

As you often hear of fights breaking out at traveller events like weddings and funerals

But I have to say 

The people are just lovely 

A pleasure to have staying with us 

The parents are great

The children are polite 

And they do their bit to help us stack the dirty dishes 

And throw left overs away 

Coming here is these peoples one and only holiday a year 

So I really try to make their experience a good one 

I try to be friendly and chatty 

TAlk to the kids 

And generally make them feel very welcome 

One family brought a dog with them 

But they aren't allowed bring it to their room 

So the dog is staying in the car 

However 

I did see the man sneaking in something under his jacket this morning 

Ha!

I turned a blind eye 

I would not like to have the poor dog cooped up in the car for days

In general 

I think work is going well

It's busy 

It's hard work 

But I feel like I am thriving 

I can feel my confidence growing every day 

Even just talking to people 

So many different people every day 

Helps my self esteem 

And how sure I am of myself 

I can remember just a month ago 

Before I started

I was so nervous 

Afraid I wouldn't be able to do the job 

And that it wouldn't work out 

Now 

Here I am 

Four weeks later 

And I know what I am doing 

I feel confident and sure about my work 

And meeting new people 

Who are now friends is amazing 

Myself and Sinead are in constant contact 

I really think we are going to be good friends 

Even though she is almost half my age 

We get on like a house on fire

And the rest of the staff are just lovely 

So willing to help 

And to explain anything that needs sorting 

My Mam keeps telling me that I am lucky to have found this job

She is not wrong 

It's perfect for easing me back in to work 

I'm so busy that the time flies by 

I eat my breakfast and lunch in work 

Which is a revelation in itself 

I'm loving being more independent 

Being my own person 

And also being more financially flush 

I can contribute more to the house and bills 

I can treat the dogs 

And myself

Yes

It has all worked out remarkably well

I feel like I am somewhat abandoning my blog lately 

I just don't have time most days to blog 

And often don't have anything to blog about other than work 

I guess I am blogging 2-3 times a week now 

As opposed to the 7 days a week I used to write 

I'm also aware that my blog is becoming less and less about my ED and addiction

And more about life matter them

That is great 

And I'm loving where I am now in my life 

But I feel I might be losing readers 

But also 

I feel like I am pulling away from blogs that may trigger me 

And now I guess I don't have as much in common anymore with certain blogs

I can clearly remember writing here once 

That it was a sad fact that my virtual life was more active than my real life 

Well that has most definitely changed 

Now I am out and about in the big bad world 

Meeting people 

Trying new things 

Working 

Living 

And loving it!

As I always say 

It's baby steps 

As baby steps soon add up to be geat strides 

So yes 

I am in a good place 

How wonderful it is to be able to say that 

Things just seem to be falling in to place for me 

At long last 

I turn 35 this year 

And I feel like I am just starting to figure life out 

Heck, I am still pretty clueless 

But it's fun trying things out 

And finding out what works 

I know that a lot of you are struggling out there 

I am aware that some people are hanging on by their finger tips 

I just want you to know 

That recovery is possible 

That there is life after ED and addiction m

The odds were stacked against me 

I was a heroin addict 

With a chronic eating disorder 

It took me a while 

But I've made it out the other side 

And am now living my life without these illness taking over 

I can't lie 

It's not easy 

I still struggle 

Still purge from time to time 

Undereat from time to time 

But the point is 

That I don't let these things pull me down 

It's about progress 

Not perfection 

Perfection is a myth 

And we need to give ourselves a break 

And feel good about all the positive changes we have made 

So please 

Whatever you do 

Don't give up 

Right 

I'm off for a cuppa 

See you on the next post...

The calm before the storm....

I have yesterday 

Today 

And tomorrow off work 

So far 

Work has been busy 

But manageable 

This Friday 

We are going to have 60 guests 

Many of whom are small children 

A full house 

So it's going to be mental to say the least

My new hours are now kicking in

So from this weekend 

My hours will be as follows 

4pm - 8pm Friday

8am-12pm Saturday

12pm-8pm Sunday

And 4pm - 8pm Wednesday 

This suits me fine 

About 20 hours a week 

And mostly weekends 

So I can fit all my other things around it

My only complaint is that myself and Sinead are not working together at all

We have become friends very quickly 

And text each other when we're not working 

Even though she is only 19

She is smart 

With a lot of common sense 

We get along great 

She texted me yesterday 

To let me know that a group of ladies who were staying with us 

Left a card with €125 in it for the staff

How lovely is that?

It just goes to show 

That people do appreciate your hard work 

That money will go towards a night out for the staff

And just the thought alone is so nice 

I really feel appreciated in work 

Which is such a good feeling 

Because often people don't give positive feedback 

So to get it is amazing 

And makes all my effort and hard work worth it 

Today being Wednesday 

I had horse riding this morning 

The centre is an hours drive from my house 

And today was the first day that I drove it myself 

My Mam came with me 

But I drove the whole way 

It's great to build up my confidence 

So hopefully when I pass my test 

Myself and Fintan can take turns driving 

But bloody hell 

There are some lunatics on the road 

Today 

I saw a man drive through a roundabout 

And another guy over took me on the left hand side 

My nerves were shot!

But I'm glad I did it 

I'm sure it will get easier and easier ea h time 

In other news 

I was in the supermarket with my Mam this week 

They were selling talking scales 

Holy shit 

I can't think of anything worse!

But I had a weak moment 

And put the scale in our trolley 

My Mam said nothing and just gave me a look

I was having a fight in my head 

About whether to buy it or not 

But in the end 

I put it back 

It was a moment of weakness 

And i came to my senses 

And I'm so glad I did 

Nothing wrecks my head more than weighing myself 

No good can come of it

I asked Eilish at riding today 

If it would be possible for me to do two lessons in a Wednesday 

Rather than one 

Just because I travel so far 

And having two lessons would make it more worthwhile 

Age said that it might be too much for me 

But she would think about it 

And maybe bring me out for a half day every week

That would be so brilliant If it worked out 

I just love being out there 

With the people 

Who have shown me what a true friend looks like 

The horses especially Star 

Who has gently coached me from my first lesson back in March 

There is no doubt about it 

Riding has been 

And continues to be a life line

Having made new friends 

At riding 

At work 

I now see that there are some people in my life who I would be better off without 

People who suck the life out of me 

And don't have my best interests at heart 

I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness 

I will not put up with people using me

Passive aggressively bullying me

Picking me up and putting me down when they feel like it 

No

I will not be a door mat any more 

Having said all that 

I was wondering about you 

Have you ever had to cut people out of your life?

Was it difficult?

And was it worth it?

Do you feel better off without them?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Appreciation

Even though it's Monday

I am finished work for the week

As I mainly work weekends 

And am not back in until Friday

The centre is busy these days 

About 35 guests in all

It doesn't sound like a lot 

And the capacity is 60

But there is still a lot of stuff to be done 

A guest usually stays full board 

So they get their room

A continental breakfast 

Including porridge, cereal and toast

The at 1pm

They get a three course lunch 

Of soup

Mains 

And dessert 

Then a hot tea at 6pm

It's down to me to get the dining room ready for each sitting 

And clean up afterwards 

Which includes doing all the dishes 

And there are a hell of a lot of dishes 

Then clean the dining room

And reset for the next meal

This week 

There was a group of 25 ladies all together 

Two couples 

And a single man 

It takes a while to get to know everyone

And some people you'll see more than others 

They all watched the Ireland match yesterday 

And we opened the bar for them 

I've never worked behind a bar before 

And I really liked it 

It was good to do something different 

And get out of the kitchen for a while

I mostly work with a girl called Sinead 

She is lovely 

And we get in great 

She is 19

But a very mature and savvy 19

Now we have got in to a good system of the way we work 

We are like a tag team 

We do everything together 

And have the craic too

Yesterday was a great day in work 

Myself and Sinead were doing the dining room after lunch 

When one of the ladies came in 

I saw her hand Sinead something 

That I thought was a five euro note 

Sinead wouldn't take it 

And either would I

But the guest insisted 

And told us to keep it for our selves 

Eventually we took the money 

Reluctantly 

And when I looked at it

I saw it was a €20 note 

I was shocked 

We both gave her a big hug 

And she thanked us for helping make their holiday 

How nice was that?

That's a big tip to me 

And means I have a little extra to get through the week 

Then after that 

I was in the office with my manager Georgina 

Trying to sort out my tax 

I was just heading out the door 

When she called be back and told me that I am doing a great job

She said that I am hard working 

Not afraid to muck in 

And that I ooze warmth and compassion 

I was blown away by this 

It was so lovely to hear

And in fact it was exactly what I needed to hear 

As I doubt myself so much 

And have regular crisis of confidence 

But they affirmation just made my day

I told Georgina that I thought the job was doing me the world of good 

And that I could feel my confidence getting better every day

She said she had noticed it too 

Then I got some more good news 

Like my day couldn't get any better 

Georgina told me that she's going to keep me on in September 

How awesome is that?

It's totally awesome!!

After that 

My shift was nearly over 

And all our work was done 

So I sat out the front and chatted to some of the guests 

There was one man called Gerry 

He told me that I am a very special person 

And gave me a big hug when I was leaving 

I left work on cloud nine 

With a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy 

For the first time since I started work 

I really feel appreciated 

It's one thing getting paid for the work 

And of course that is why we do it 

But hearing the words of appreciation is just the cherry on the cake for me 

It makes it all worth while 

You know I just go about my business in work 

I'm friendly 

Chat with the guests 

And am always willing to do any thing to help out with them

Myself and Sinead are similar 

In that we both want to make their holiday a special one 

And will do anything we can to do that 

Because these are vulnerable people 

Who might not ordinarily get a holiday 

And that just makes me want to do more to make their stay a great one 

So yes 

Today was a good day 

The only thing I have to watch is my food 

I tend to be on the go for long periods of time 

And I can forget to eat 

But I feel so shit when I don't eat 

So I try and have something 

A small dinner 

Or a sandwich 

Something just to keep me going 

I need to remember that I am doing so much running around at work 

That I probably need to eat that but more 

Just to keep my energy up 

Anyway 

That's ok 

I'll figure it out 

Ok 

That's me for today 

I'm off to have a wee rest 

And a cuppa 

See you on the next post.....

Today.....

Today 

I am grateful for my health 

That despite the hell I have put my body through over the years

It has survived this far 

Relatively unscathed 

Today 

I am grateful for my family 

Even though we have been at logger heads over the years 

We still managed to get through it

And come out stronger than ever

Today 

I am grateful for my beautiful pups

Honey and Lea 

Who have been at my side for the past eleven years 

Always there 

So loving 

So full of joy 

They have saved my sanity countless times 

Today 

I am grateful for my job

It means so much to me 

That someone would take a chance on me and hire me

It feels amazing to be earning my own money 

It's doing wonders for my confidence and  self esteem 

Today 

I am grateful to you 

My blogger family 

Who have been there for me through out the last four years 

You have been there when I couldn't face real life 

And you became close friends and confidants 

Today 

I am grateful for my horse therapy 

I can recommend it enough 

I'm also so grateful for the friends I have made through riding 

It just goes to show 

If I am willing to push myself out of my comfort zone 

And try new things 

The pay off is huge 

Today 

I am grateful for my mental and physical health 

I leave work every day feeling so blessed that I have all my facilities in tact 

No everyone is so lucky 

Today 

I am grateful to clean and sober 

And ED free 

Or at least as free as I can be 

Removing drink and drugs from my life was the first step 

Then I had to learn how to live clean and sober 

Find new and healthy ways of coping 

Today I feel incredibly grateful

That I live in a country 

Where I am free to do and say as I please 

I live in a first world country

Where clean water 

And first class medical care is the norm 

Really and truly

I have so much to be grateful for 

I have everything I could possibly need or want 

And even though I've fought some tough battles over the years 

I wouldn't change one little thing 

What are you grateful for today?