Saturday, 24 May 2014

Weight

My shape is changing and I'm gaining weight
Even though everyone around me says that I'm not
I know that I am
I know it takes a while for the weight to show as usually it goes straight to my tummy and takes a while to distribute around my body
My new shape is unfamiliar
I haven't been this weight in a long time

My weight has really yo-yoed over the years
While I using drugs from about 1999-2006 my weight was always very low for obvious reasons
But also all this time I had been eating disordered and I didn't know

July 2004 in the middle of a detox in London

Then I got clean and weight stabilized for a while
But it wasn't long before my anorexia spun out of control
As shown here

Avignon  2007 84lbs



Then in 2008 I was put on a high dose of olanzapine
I began to gain weight
And reached an all time high weight of 135lbs
I know it doesn't sound like a massively high number but I have a small frame and any extra weight really shows
As demonstrated here

Croatia 2010, 135lbs

January 2009
I was extremely uncomfortable at this weight
It just didn't suit me
I felt awkward and cumbersome and just didn't feel like myself
I'm not sure why or when it happened but I began to lose weight again
I remember putting on this white cardigan and it felt looser
I weighed myself for the first time on months and I had lost almost a stone
I wasn't trying to lose weight
It just happened
Cue another anorexia relapse
As seen here

Barcelona 2011 90lbs


Then in 2012 when I started seeing Mary I regained weight to a low but healthy BMI
I think to around 50kilos
I was ok at this weight
I didn't feel too uncomfortable
As shown here

June 2012

2012 - 2013 was a good year
My mood was mostly good
My weight was stable
I travelled to Australia for Christmas
I spoke at an eating disorder conference in February 2013
Everything was far from perfect but I was doing ok
But then in March I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
I was sick for quite a while and began to lose weight again

Summer 2013 90lbs


2013 was a tough year
In October I went in to treatment
It didn't work
I continued to purge and restrict and left hospital weighing even less than when I went in

February 2014, 90lbs


I think  I began to gain weight at the end of March this year
It's a frustrating place to be
I'm not severely underweight
But I am not at a healthy weight either
It's limbo

There are very few photos of myself taken over the years that I like
But I did find a couple

This one I like because I look happy, 2005

I think I look healthy here, Australia 2006


So that's the history of my weight
The ups and downs
The highs and lows
The fat and the skinny
Hope you enjoyed........

13 comments:

  1. You and I are roughly the same height and have similar frames, and in 2007 I was forced into a treatment center that made me gain a LOT of weight (40lb) in 12 weeks time. My highest weight was also 135. I felt EXACTLY the way you described you felt. Awkward. Cumbersome. Not quite right. Uncomfortable. 135 doesn't sound that bad really but it did not sit well on me. That was traumatizing! I love your pic from when you were jumping in 2005!!! So cute!

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    Replies
    1. Gosh that doesn't sound very good, gaining in such a short period of time
      That must have been very difficult

      Yes I just didn't feel like myself at that weight
      I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin

      Hope you're doing ok x

      Delete
  2. You are amazing! I love this photo montage. It makes me feel so beautiful with my new 140 lb body. I was always 112 lbs (not sure how many kilos) or a size 4. Then I started teaching aerobicsclasses and went to an unhealthy size 2 or 102 lbs. I went into the hospital because I had an emotional breakdown and the anorexic girl beside me looked JUST LIKE ME!! I knew I had to change. I love this new body. Men now comment on my curves not whoa…are you ever skinny hahaha. I am excited for this next section of your journey. Your mindset seems to be more open these days.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Vanessa and good to hear from you
      Hope you are doing ok

      Yes, contrary to what we think, I think men prefer women nice and curvy
      I am trying to embrace my new body
      It is taking a bit of getting used to

      Take care Vanessa x

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  3. You had boobs in that picture! You looked so womanly and I loved it! :) I could see you sitting between 115-120 pounds as a healthy number. Are you pretty short? I keep trying to figure out how tall you are. For me, being tall helps to distribute weight over a greater distance being a nice 5 foot 8. The ares I collect fat in would be my hips and butt but if it's a little bit then I get a nice, round booty so I tend not to complain. I have very few photos documenting my anorexia though, which I find strange since it was at least three solid years then on and off. Don't be afraid to embrace those curves lady! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I did have boobs once upon a time
      I am about 5,5 tall so yes about 115 would be perfect for me
      I know you are really in to health and working out now
      I would love to get started I just don't know where to start
      And yes, I will learn to love my curves someday

      Love to you x

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    2. I think it depends on what you want to do. Are you interested in lifting weights or running? You could do dancing since I remember you like it. Just go with what you love?

      Delete
    3. Yes, dancing is something that I really enjoy
      I must look for some classes to do
      Now that my mood has improved I feel able to do a bit more x

      Delete
  4. Ruby, I love this post.

    I don't weigh little enough to be considered anorexic. I only have once in my life, back in 2003-4. I know this sounds like an excuse, but I have a very large boned body. At 125, I look bony. So obviously I'm built different than other girls. It's very easy to convince myself I'm not unhealthy when I don't fit into any of the DSM's criteria for ED's. Especially when I've been up and down so many times.

    I think it's important to bring to light that ED's take many shapes and sizes, and this is something your blog has always pointed out. But this post gives a personal display of how that was for you. Even at your heaviest, you're still THIN and look beautiful (while at my heaviest, I'm a gross heffer lol) but you show that stick thin is not the only definition of disordered.

    You are such a beautiful girl, Ruby. Even in your "heavier" photos, you look amazing. The picture from January 2009 and the pic from Croatia you are stunning in. I wish you could see how truly beautiful you are.

    Weight restoration is scary and painful. For me, I can't restore a healthy weight without going over board, so I feel forced to maintain the lowest possible. But in reality, our disorders have trained us to see a healthy image of ourselves as fat and disgusting, which is far from the truth. I hope you can work on restoration, because you are so tiny, it's necessary for recovery. Healthy does not equal fat and part of recovery is convincing ourselves of this. You have made an eternal impact on my recovery, I hope you know. And if I ever get better, you deserve a lot of the credit lol. I hope I get there soon. Keep fighting, keep inspiring me, love. I will keep you in my thoughts as always <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello dear Anna,

      Thanks you for this lovely comment, it truly made my day
      I hope you see this reply
      You said that you started a new blog
      Can I have the address?
      I'd love to catch up on all you've been up to

      You are such a good friend

      Love you lots x

      Delete
  5. Wish I had the energy to properly comment but I can't. But something caught my eye about olanzapine - my dose has been increased as my weight has increased, is this a connection? What happened to you? Did you come off it? Can I ask to stop taking it?

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    Replies
    1. I hope you see this reply Angharad
      I was first put on olanzapine a few year ago and yes my weight did increase as a result of that
      Olanzapine is known to increase appetite in some people
      But I must have got immune to it or used to it because I am still on it and on quite a high dose and it doesn't effect my weight anymore

      How long are you on it?
      Do you find it is effecting your weight?
      I wouldn't stop taking it before consulting your doctor
      I've read about it and it seems to effect the part of your brain that tells you that you are full but of course they don't know for sure
      Let me know if you see this reply

      Take care x

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    2. Thank you so much for replying Ruby. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. My anorexia is so strong, but (probably) these stupid pills are making me fat and I can't deal with it, it's making me so suicidal. I've only been on it about a month and my weight is just sky rocketing, and that is so triggering. I don't know what to do I just cry all the time cry and cry but I never ever cry so it's making me terrified with all the crying and wishing I was dead. I don't know how much longer I can hold on for. X

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Thank you for leaving some love x