Lady

I went horse riding again today

At the stables near my house

Today I was on Lady

Who is in fact Rayons mother

Rayon you might remember from last week who was like a bolt of lightening he was so fast

I was in a class of four today

With Lisa 

Who you might also remember from last week 

Who is the ex show jumper 

Chloe who actually works at the stables 

And another kid whose name I didn't get

Right from the start 

I felt way out of my depth

All these girls had been riding for years 

And here I was with less than four months experience 

Trying my best to keep up

Roisin was out instructor again today 

This lesson feels a lot different from the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday 

I feel a lot more pressure at these lessons 

To perfect things 

And to get things right 

Horse therapy is so much more gentle and relaxed 

Of course we try and do things right there too

But these lessons are definitely proper lessons 

So yea 

I did feel like I was trying to keep up today 

I'm really trying to work on my canter 

Roisin tells me I am bouncing rather than sitting in 

At one point she said everyone was sitting in except for me 

That didn't help my confidence much 

But then again 

At another point she said I was doing well for a beginner

I would love to ask Roisin if it is worth my while keeping it up 

I mean shit

I know I'm never going to be a champion horse rider 

But it would like to know if I am making progress 

As I am trying really hard 

And it's always nice to get some positive feedback 

I forgot to ask Roisin today 

But I will definitely ask her next week

I just want to know that all my hard work is not in vain 

And I am at least improving A little 

I came home feeling a bit deflated after the lesson 

And did something incredibly stupid 

I was measuring out my methadone 

Thinking I only had today's and tomorrow left 

And accidentally took two days instead of one

Which leaves me with no methadone for Monday 

How stupid of me 

Now I'm going to have to get to the doctor on Monday

Which is a right pain 

But I can't go without it 

It had to be done 

So needless to say 

I am not having a good day so far 

Roisin tells me that cantering should be easier 

But I feel like I am bouncing quite a lot m

I try to sit in

And do the things that Roisin shouts at me 

But I just felt like a total numpty today 

In comparison with the others 

I had a chat with my Mam when I came home 

She thinks I put too much pressure on myself 

She is not wrong 

I am very hard on myself 

And I want everything done yesterday 

I have to remember to pace myself 

To allow myself time to learn and improve 

I mean I do love it 

But I probably  enjoy horse therapy more 

I know some of you have experience with horses 

Don't was wondering if you had any advice 

For someone whose confidence is at an all time low 

I want to ask for feedback from the instructors 

But part of me is afraid they are going to say that I should probably not give up my day job

I don't know 

I guess I am just having a rough day 

Below are some photos from today 

I keep forgetting to get a photo when I'm on the horse 

The first ones are of me and the beautiful Lady 

The last couple are of myself and Lady

And Lisa and Rayon

Also 

Any tips and advice on riding are very much appreciated 

A weighty issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog 

I became slightly paranoid

I worried what people would think about the way I look

Would they think I was chunky?

Too big?

With big boobs and big hips

I wasn't happy with the photos 

But then I never am 

So I posted them anyway 

As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while 

I have no earthly clue what I weigh

And haven't weighed in a couple of months 

I do get curious from time to time 

But I really do think I am better off not knowing 

Ignorance is bliss and all that 

The last time I weighed I was X kilos

Putting me at a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that 

That is healthy 

I don't try to control my weight anymore 

I don't watch what I eat

I don't restrict or cut out any food groups 

I allow myself sweets and treats 

I believe everything in moderation

Including moderation

As for my weight 

Well

I guess I am going by how I feel 

Rather than what I look like

Or what I weigh

And I do feel good 

I do feel healthy

And my clothes still fit perfectly 

So I am happy enough with that 

I can't lie though 

Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself 

And I plan to buy a set of scales 

But 

I soon come to my senses 

And realise that would be a step back

I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body 

I am so used to bring small and weak

But at the moment I am strong and fit 

Horse riding is helping me tone up

And I feel curvy and shapely 

My body image varies from day to day 

Some days I hate what I see in the mirror 

Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me 

Some days all I see are rolls of fat 

But I also have good days 

When I appreciate my hour glass figure 

When I can see how womanly my curves are 

When I can appreciate the marvellous instrument that my body is 

I no longer hanker after a stick thin body 

I no longer wish I was underweight 

Not only is it not a good look

It's down right unhealthy and dangerous 

So 

I will continue not to weigh 

As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds 

But I thought that last year 

And ended up losing 12 kilos 

And relapsing quite spectacularly 

I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recovery

I know I've never been able to do that 

Because I don't know when to stop

It's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' 

And before you know it 

Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bread

And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapper

You know what?

I don't want to be pin thin

I know I can't be that way without being desperately ill

And more than that 

I don't want to be they way 

You know what happens when you are severely underweight?

People pity you 

And feel sorry for you 

I used to welcome that pity 

But not anymore 

No way 

I don't want pity or sympathy 

I don't want people to feel sorry for me

Yes I want to be liked 

But not at the expense of my health 

Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not 

I have enough people in my life who like and love me 

More than enough 

I am well at the moment 

The best I've been in a very long time 

So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well 

While trying to let go of those that hold me back 

It's a balancing act 

But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life 

I know I am blessed 

Yes 

I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life 

But I've also been granted the strength to get through it 

I'm growing up 

I'm thriving right now 

Work is bringing out the best in me 

And I'm just so happy to be living my life 

And growing and blossoming as a person 

As woman 

As a daughter 

A friend 

A sister 

An auntie 

A horse rider 

A doggy mama 

A worker 

I am truly so much more than my illness 

I know that now 

My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life 

How awesome is that......?

Tuesday

I've been working for the last few days 

And today I am free

As I am for the next few days

I swear

I am so confused with the days since I started working 

So I am a bit all over the place in that respect

Work is going well

I am basically left to my own devices

It's great that I have no one looking over my shoulder 

I just get on with my work

And pretty much do my own thing

There was a new crowd in this week

A group from Dublin

These people were a little bit special 

But they were the nicest people you could meet 

They were mostly men 

But there were three ladies too

13 altogether 

It was great because some of the men actually helped us serve dinner 

When the chef sent it up to the dining room in the dumb waiter 

They were there waiting to hand it out to people 

My first day there 

I kept mixing up their names 

And it wasn't until my last day yesterday that I was really getting to know them

There was the lady who liked a few drinks and came on to the night porter 

The man who paced up and down constantly 

The man who had corn flakes for breakfast, lunch and tea

The man who ate and ate and was constantly asking for cups of tea

And the man who was my secret favourite 

He was so polite 

And one day told me that I was a 'shining star'

How nice is that?

But really 

They were mentally unwell 

And some of their stories would break your heart 

I leave work every day feeling very grateful for my mental and physical health 

There was one man who had been severely mentally damaged from drugs 

He had also been in the army 

He came looking for tea a lot 

And put a ton of sugar in it

But all in all 

They were a pleasure 

Yesterday 

I said good by to them all 

And again 

I got hugs and kisses and thank yous 

But that wasn't the last time I saw them 

I was walking Lea through town this morning 

And we called in to the holiday centre 

Some of the men were there 

And they all wanted to rub Lea

But if course she barked her head off 

Which I knew she would because she is nervous with strangers 

It was nice to see them though 

You really form bonds and relationships with these people 

And they are the best of craic

I've just been in to see my doctor 

Nothing to report there 

Just in and out 

Just the way I like it

So I am now just sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my script 

All in all

Things are going quite well 

Work is keeping me honest 

My dogs are keeping me sane 

And my horse riding is keeping me fulfilled and excited 

So I really can't complain 

I now eat two of my meals in work 

I have my breakfast after the guests have theirs 

Then I have my lunch while the guests are eating theirs 

Yesterday I ate a fish dinner 

And didn't even think of purging 

Which is pretty amazing given where I was a few short months ago 

It's great though 

Work takes me out of my own head 

And I don't have time to think and over think

It is also massively helping with my confidence 

Chatting to people 

And meeting new people every week

Is really helping me to shake off my shyness and really engage with others 

So yes 

I am really enjoying work 

Of course 

It is hard work 

I'm on my feet all day 

Running up and down stairs 

Lifting 

Carrying 

Washing 

Drying 

Cleaning 

Brushing mopping 

Dealing with inquiries 

Serving food 

Collecting dishes 

It's tough going 

But I love it 

The day flies in as I'm so busy 

And of course it is so brilliant to get a pay cheque every week

It's all very well being on disability 

And having money for doing nothing 

But earning it is so satisfying 

And good for my self esteem

So it's so good to be able to say that I am now working 

I am now earning my own money 

Paying my own way 

Contributing to society 

I think it came at exactly the right time 

Any sooner 

And I might not have been ready 

Because it is run by a charity 

It's not profit driven 

It's all about providing a holiday for people who might ordinarily get a holiday 

To really treat them 

And make a fuss of them

It gives me great satisfaction to know that I am helping make their holiday an enjoyable one 

That I am making a difference 

So yes 

All is good 

I am good 

And I am so grateful for that 

I am even more accepting of my body 

I am toning up around my shoulders and arms due to the horse riding 

And my legs feel tighter too

So that makes dressing a less stressful experience 

Ok 

I'm off for a cuppa and a little rest 

See you on the next post....

Rayon and Benson

Today 

I went for another horse riding lesson 

In the centre near my house

I was just getting suited and booted 

When a tall blonde girl came over and introduced herself 

She said her name was Lisa

And did I mind if she came and joined my lesson 

Of course I didn't 

The more the merrier

Lisa told me that she had been riding her whole life 

But hadn't been at all in the last three years 

And get this

She was a show jumper no less!

All of a sudden 

I was afraid I would be out of my depth in the lesson

But Lisa assured me that she was unfit and out of practise 

After chatting for a few minutes 

We went around to meet Roisin the instructor 

She brought a horse called Benson for Lisa

And Rayon for me 

Usually I ride Princess

Who is what they call a confidence giver

But today Roisin assured me that I was ready for a bigger and faster horse 

We walked across the road 

And over to the outdoor arena

I mounted Rayon

And straight away 

I could tell she was going to be a lot faster 

We walked around the arena at first 

To get a feel for the horses 

And then on to a trot 

And holy shit!

With not much coercion from me 

Rayon took off like a rocket!

She was was so fast 

And she was paying precious little attention to me trying to stop her

It's funny 

For the past few weeks 

I've had trouble trying to get Princess to go

Now I had the opposite problem

When Rayon was in front 

She was tearing around the arena

And when Benson was in front 

Rayon literally had her nose to his behind

Lisa took to it like a duck to water 

And Benson was definitely slower than Rayon

A while in to the session

Roisin asked if we wanted to try to canter 

Lisa went first on Benson

And she was looking good 

Then came my turn 

And again

Rayon shot off

She galloped around that arena at top speed 

And only stopped when she came behind Benson

On my second canter 

I felt like I was bouncing a lot 

And I don't think Rayon liked that 

As at one point she dropped her head 

And I thought she was going to buck me off

I started to slip off one side of her 

And had to reach for wards and grab her neck to hang on

Poor Roisin

She nearly lost her life watching 

She said she was sure Rayon was going to buck 

Roisin then suggested we swap horses 

So Lisa could experience a faster horse 

And I could get my bearings again on a slower horse 

Benson was lovely 

He was in no panic to get around the area 

And cantering on him felt lovely 

But again 

At one point 

I thought he was going to buck 

I had a chat with Roisin afterwards 

And she thinks they might be trying to buck because I'm bouncing so much 

That it might be agitating the horse 

In a canter 

They say to 'Sit in' to the saddle 

And wipe the seat with your bum

I gues for me 

There are so many things that I am trying to remember 

That sometimes it goes a bit pear shaped 

Lisa also found Rayon like a bolt of lightening 

So I was glad it wasn't just me 

I was more than ready for the lesson to be over 

I felt like I had no control over Rayon

And he was just sprinting as fast as she could 

She wasn't taking heed of my commands 

And heck if I could get her to stop!

We walked back to the centre 

Laughing about what had happened 

But I seriously think that Roisin was worried I was going to be bucked off

And now that I am home and thinking about it

It was freakin'scary

Even watching Lisa canter on Rayon

She struggled to control her too

I swear that horse was like a bat out of hell!

But apart from the fear of being thrown off

I loved it 

It felt amazing to be on a bigger and faster horse 

And to be making progress

As I always do 

I asked Roisin at the end of the session if I am making progress 

She assures me that I am 

I really hope I am 

But as she said 

If I enjoy it 

To keep doing it

I mean I know I'll never be a champion horse rider 

Or anything like it 

But I would like to reach my potential 

What ever that may be 

I haven't told Eilish and my friends at horse therapy that I am doing extra lessons 

But I do have a plan 

I'm going to continue to ride at both centres until September 

Then I am going to ask Eilish if I can do two lessons with her on a Wednesday 

As it's such a trek from my house 

It would be more worthwhile for me to do two lessons instead of one

So until then 

I will continue to ride with Roisin at the stables near my house 

It's a very different experience riding at both stables 

In the ones near my house 

We concentrate on all the little details 

But with Eilish it's a lot more gentle 

I want to say more caring and nurturing 

She brings us along gently 

So between the two

I think I am getting a good foundation in in horse riding 

So that was my Saturdsy morning 

Exciting no?

I'm back to work tomorrow 

Just for two days 

I'll be working with the other new girl 

And she is lovely 

So I am looking forward to that 

I got paid for the first time last Thursday 

And even though the emergency taxed me

And I only got about half of what I'm owed 

It was still very special to have my first legitimate pay check in years

I can already feel the benefit of working 

My confidence is improving 

I feel more sure of myself 

And more capable and able 

Which is exactly what I hoped would happen 

So happy days all around!!

I'm off to make a cuppa and s ham roll

See you on the next post...

Moving on

Thank you for all of your feedback on my last post

And your kind words 

I'm still thinking about my blog

But one thing is for sure

I will not be going anywhere 

And I will continue to blog

I guess it makes sense really 

They I am struggling to find my blog voice again 

The last six months have been a whirlwind 

I almost feel like I have been carried this far 

My feet barely touching the ground 

There has been a lot of change recently 

And a lot of growth 

This is all good

And it feels amazing to have come this far 

I'm sure you have noticed that I am not writing much about my ED or addiction recently 

There just hasn't been anything to report 

I'm taking my meds correctly 

I'm eating my meals and snacks 

And rarely purging 

I guess I am moving on

And letting go of some of the crutches that have held me up this far 

So I've been thinking 

I probably won't post every day

I remember when I first started blogging 

I used to blog Monday, Wednesday and Friday

So I'm thinking I will go back to that pattern 

My blog will about life after ED and addiction

Rather than life with it 

Because in guessing there will be a whole adjustment period 

Becoming accustomed to real life 

With no vices to fall back on 

It will just be me 

Ruby 

Stripped back

Raw 

With all the ups and downs of life in recovery 

It makes perfect sense really 

I was wondering what I would write about 

And of course recovery is what I will write about 

Because that's what I am living 

It's what I know 

So 

I'm sticking around 

I'm still going to continue to raise awareness about eating disorders 

Still strive for recovery 

For others and myself 

Still going fight for a better life 

Are you with me??

What to do with my blog?

I saw Mary this morning 

It was great to be able to give her a good report about all the good things that are happening in my life

She was truly delighted for me 

And said it made her job worthwhile 

Seeing people like me get well

I was also so happy to tell her that I am barely purging any more 

Since starting work

It has really been a rarity 

Mary asked me to draw a pi chart 

Of all the different areas in my life 

It was quite a struggle to fit everything in 

She asked me about blogging 

And it got me thinking 

I guess my blog has taken a back seat recently 

And it seems to be evolving 

Up until now 

My blog has been been about living with and managing my ED and addiction

Most of my posts thus far have been ED based 

And that's fine 

Because that's what was going on for me

And it was great to be part of a community that thrived on supporting each other 

But now I find myself asking 

Where my blog is going now?

I feel a little bit like I am in limbo

I don't consider myself eating disordered in the clinical sense anymore 

But I still have a long way to go as far as recovery is concerned 

I have to be honest 

Over the past couple of weeks 

I have thought about stopping blogging altogether 

As I don't know what I have to offer this community anymore 

And my real life is so full 

I don't have time like I used to

And I don't know if my blog is the hub that it once was 

I seem to get less readers and comments 

That shouldn't matter 

And it doesn't 

But I guess it makes me feel like my blog isn't wanted or needed anymore 

Then there is the fact that blogger seems to be passé now 

More and more people seem to use Instagram now a days 

And less and less people seem to be using blogger 

It kind of feels like a ghost town lately 

With all that said 

I don't really know what to do 

Or where to go from here 

I really want to keep writing and blogging 

But maybe 

Like a lot of things in my life 

It's time to move on 

I don't know 

It's something I am going to have to work through I guess 

And hopefully what I'm supposed to do will become clear

I was wondering what you think

Have you experienced this with blogging and recovery?

Have you felt like me and wondered what next?

Do you think my blog is needed and wanted?

I would really love your feedback on this one so do get in touch 

I appreciate it 

Day off!

Today is a wonderful day 

As I am now off work until Sunday

The feeling is amazing 

Having worked four long shifts the last four days 

I am more than ready for a rest

Work is going well

Of course I am still very green

And forgetting things left, right and centre 

But look

I am doing my best 

And they tell me in work that I am flying it

Yesterday 

I was on with Georgina 

And she deliberately left me on my own to do breakfast and lunch 

I had a bit of a crisis of confidence in the morning 

As I dished out too many bowls of porridge 

And it went cold 

And had to reheated 

But 

As Georgina says 

You live and learn 

My colleagues couldn't be more helpful 

They are endlessly patient

And always willing to lend a hand 

There are to chefs who also work in the kitchen 

They are brothers 

32 and 38 

I was helping one of them prepare chicken yesterday afternoon 

And he asked me what age I am 

I told him to guess 

He said 23 

Ha!

That made my day 

He couldn't believe that was 34

I love to give people a good shock sometimes 

Anyway 

I am settling in well 

And finding my bearings slowly but surely 

Georgina is an amazing lady 

I was chatting with her over tea and toast yesterday 

Her background is in hotels 

And you can really tell

She doesn't waste a bit of energy 

Every move she makes 

She is doing something productive

She moves at lightning speed 

And manages beautifully the balance between hard work

And having the craic 

She is someone I really look up to 

She is a working woman 

With a busy family life 

It can't be easy 

But she makes it look effortless 

I am really enjoying work though 

I get up

At 7 am

To be in work for 8am

I prepare the breakfast 

Which is just a continental one

Then I have a cuppa 

Before the guests arrive 

The dining by room is up stairs

And the kitchen is down stairs 

So I have a path worn on that stairs 

There is a dumb waiter to put the food in

Which essentially is a small lift for the food

I serve the food 

Chat to the guests

And try to keep on top of things 

It was mostly ladies in this week

With only a couple of men

And they are so lovely 

They are people who don't have much money 

And going away on holiday is a massive thing for them 

I told the ladies that I wouldn't see them again 

As they are all leaving Thursday 

And I'm not back until Sunday 

Well let me tell you 

I got hugs and kisses and such lovely compliments 

That truly made all the  hard work so very worth it

The chef keeps a small dinner for me every day 

And I have to say 

The food is really tasty 

It's none of your fancy stuff 

Just honest home cooking done well

My favourite kind

Sometimes I get a chance to eat it 

Sometimes I don't 

And in that case I will bring it home 

And split it with mam 

So 

After breakfast 

I wash up 

Clean the dining my room 

As reset it for lunch 

Which takes a little while 

Lunch is at 1pm 

And it's three courses

So there's quite a bit to do 

I swear I am on my feet all the time 

And it's exhausting 

Draining 

By the end of the day 

I am pretty wrecked 

All I can do is flake out on the couch L

But it's a nice feeling 

A feeling that I've really earned my rest 

Even writing this post 

I keep nodding off

I mentioned my Dad in a post a few days ago 

And that he received some bad news about his health 

To be honest 

I am in denial about the whole thing

And work is a great distraction

You might remember that I went to Dublin with him a few weeks ago

To see a consultant neurologist 

And Dad had some tests done

Basically he is losing the power in his hands and arms 

And it seems to be getting worse all the time 

So last week 

He got the results 

And the consultant thinks it might be MND 

Dad has to go to the top neurologist in the country for a definite diagnosis

I had never head of MND

It's short for motor neuron disease

So it's really serious 

I was speaking to Georgina about it 

And her sister has it 

She is only 42

She asked me if I know much about MND

Which I don't 

She said not to read up on it 

It will only upset me 

I have deliberately not looked it up 

I really just don't want to know at the moment 

Because I know it will break my heart 

Of course I will find out for myself 

But at this moment 

Ignorance is bliss

Dad has asked me not to tell anyone 

But I need to talk to people 

I can't bottle this 

I need an outlet 

Anyway 

All we can really do is make the most of the time now, while he is still relatively ok

One thing Gergina said 

Is that we have a long and hard road against us 

But it's my Dad I feel sorry for 

Right 

I'm off to have a sleep 

I can barely keep my eyes open 

See you on the next post....