Curiosity killed the cat

It seems that a lot of us are struggling at the moment
I read blog after blog and people are really hurting
It truly breaks my heart
And it makes me so angry
Angry at anorexia and bulimia
They are poison
They poison our bodies and our minds and turn our worlds upside down and inside out
The leave a trail of destruction and hurt and pain in their wake
When I read a blog about someone who is just at the start of their eating disorder career it makes me so sad
Sad because I know the misery that lies ahead
It makes me want to shout at them 'Stop!! Stop Now!, Stop before it's too late!!'
I really want to make them see that this is a path they don't want to go down
But I know it's pointless to try and tell someone
They have to experience it for themselves
I've always been someone who has to learn the hard way
Heck, even the horrors of heroin addiction didn't scare me off
I had to do it to find out for myself
Even if someone had spelled out exactly how my life would turn out I still would've done it
As the saying goes 'Curiosity killed the cat'

My ED kind of started accidentally
I didn't seek it out
Anorexia was not on my radar
I wasn't weight conscious
I wasn't trying to lose weight
In fact for the first few years I had anorexia I actually had no idea I had it
I was barely 80 pounds and I had no clue
I figured I was this way because I was on drugs
When doctors first told me I had anorexia I was in major denial
I could barely handle that fact I was a drug addict never mind and eating disorder
It wasn't until I went to drug treatment for the first time that I finally admitted it
There was another girl there called Anna
We became firm friends fast
She had anorexia/bulimia and I could relate to her so much
She gave me the courage to admit that I had a problem but it was really difficult to come to terms with
At the time numbers meant nothing to me
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I began to take notice
The numbers seemed important to them so they became important to me
And now numbers rule my life
Any loss is a triumph
Any gain is crushing

Fast forward 13 years and my life is unrecognisable
Anorexia and bulimia have slowly worn me down over the years
Chipped away at my confidence
Eroded my self esteem
Stamped on my spirit
They have all but broken me
Left me a shell of a person with a cold brittle body
My health is failing rapidly
 Everytime I stand up I see stars
The floor tries to pull me down face first
Energy is non existent
Everything is an effort
Most of the time all I can do is lie down
I have no doubt that my ED wants me dead
And I have no doubt it wants you dead
A slow painful death
She will stop at nothing to break you down until all you are is skin and bone

My life today is nothing you could  call normal
I look 10 years younger than I really am
I guess I have never really grown up
I've stayed the age I was when I developed my ED
I don't work
I don't go to college
I don't have any friends left
One by one they have all left or I have pushed them away
I don't have a boyfriend
I live with my mother
My ED has stolen all this from me
Taken the life I could have had
I has taken me hostage and the ransom is my life
It's just the way it is
Part of me is resigned to the fact that this is just the way things are
That I can't change
I'm losing hope that I will ever recover
That I can get well
Piece together some semblance of a life
Some sort of sanity
Peace of mind
I'm slipping
Slipping fast
Someone catch me
Please

A day in the life of Honey of the dog

It's Monday morning
I'm waiting patiently for Ruby to come and open the door to let Lea and I in
We sleep in the utility room
It's our little bedroom
I spend a lot of time in my bed
Probably half my life
It's tucked in cosily beside the machine that vibrates
I can see everything from my bed
The kitchen
People coming and going
The birds outside
Ruby is taking her time so I bark a couple of times in case she's still asleep
Soon I hear her footsteps coming up the hall
She opens the door and I burst out to greet her
She talks to me and even though I have no idea what she is saying she sounds happy to see me
I know and understand just a few words
I know 'sit'
When I sit for her she gives me a yummy treat
I also know walk
Car
Outside
Dinner
Chewy
Bold girl, which she says in a very low voice and I know I've been bad
And best of all, good girl

Ruby spends a few minutes rubbing my tummy before she goes about her morning routine
She makes tea and settles down in front of the computer with a cigarette
While she's doing this I head outside
I walk around to the front garden, checking that everything is as it should be
I take a nice long pee on the grass
The dog next door is a pain in the ass
He is constantly trying to provoke me
He barks non stop, shouting insults over the wall
He jumps up at the wall and hangs on by his two front paws
Sometimes I bark back but today I just ignore him
I stretch my legs and back before heading inside

I go to see if Ruby is dressed yet to go for a walk
We go for a walk every morning without fail
Some thing is very wrong if I don't get my walk
Lea is very impatient in the morning
She dances around Ruby's feet until she finally says the magic word
Ruby leaves the room and Lea and I wait silently by the door listening carefully for her foot steps
God, I wish she's hurry up
Finally I hear her coming up the hallway
I know It's time now because when she comes in she has her jacket and hat on
Then I hear the jangle of the car keys
It's walkies time!

Ruby has a silver car
Lea sits in the back seat and I have my own special place up in the back window
When Lea first started coming in the car she used to get car sick
But now she loves going in the car as much as I do
Ruby drives fast
Her mother is always telling her to slow down but I like driving fast
She listens to 2fm on the radio
I prefer Todayfm as the play more music

It's Monday so our first stop is the doctor
'Back in a minute' Ruby says
I don't know why she says that because she is always a lot longer than a minute
While she's gone I jump in to the front seat
It's very bold of me because I'm not allowed in the front seat but she never gets angry with me
As I'm waiting I watch people coming and going
If they get too close to the car I bark at them
Sometimes they get a fright
I think that's funny
Well it is my car and I have to protect it
Eventually Ruby comes back clutching the blue bag she always has when she comes out of the doctor
I don't know what's in there but it must be very important because she's always happy when she gets it
She starts the car and we're off again

Ruby parks in the usual spot down by the beach
She opens the door and Lea and I jump out excitedly
The beach is my favourite walk
Lots of new smells
Lots of other dogs
The first thing I always do is have a nice long pee in the grass
We walk along the rocks and down to the sand
Lea loves the sand
She runs around in circles and rolls on her back with her paws in the air
Lea always goes for a swim
I don't go in to the water unless I have good reason to, like fetching a ball
Balls are my favourite toy
I could play fetch all day long
Although recently all my favourite balls have gone missing
I suspect someone may be hiding them

After a run on the beach we head home
I snuggle up in my bed and have a nice long nap
Sometimes Ruby gives me a chewy and I spend a while gnawing on that
I wake up from my nap to see Ruby getting my bowl ready for dinner
My favourite time of the day
Ruby gives me yummy food
Crunchy nuts mixed with dog food and tuna or ham
Lea wolfs hers down but I take my time and savour it
Sometimes when Lea is finished I go and eat what she has left
Ssssh don't tell anyone

After dinner I go back to bed for another nap
I think about how lucky I am to live here
My first owner was a woman with a small child
I was a puppy and the woman couldn't take care of both of us so she left me in to a dog shelter
I didn't like the shelter
I was in a small kennel with 2 other dogs and I never got out for walks
Ruby came to look at me  one day and she immediately brought me home
I did my best to be good so she wouldn't give me away either
And I've been here ever since

In the evening I usually sit at the back step and keep an eye on the house
If anyone calls in or even walks by I bark at them
It's my job to protect the house you see
I'm a small dog but I'm feisty
I make sure that people know that just because I'm small, it doesn't mean I'm not tough
When there's no one in the kitchen I get up and sit on one of the armchairs
Ruby doesn't mind but her mother does so I get down if she comes in
We are not allowed in to the sitting room at all
Sometimes I try and sneak in but I'm always caught
But the forbidden place I most like to go is Ruby's bedroom
If the hall door opens I tip toe down
There is a great big bed in there and I like to lie down and roll around on it
The last time I sneaked down, I found a  sandwich on the locker
My idea of heaven, eating a sandwich in bed
Ruby found me and she was a bit upset that I ate it but she never stays mad for long

It's the end of another day and Ruby puts me and Lea to bed
I fall asleep dreaming of food or cats
I get a good nights sleep because tomorrow we do it all again

The Weighting Game

I saw Mary this morning
As I walked up the stairs to her office I became out of breath and felt light headed
I paused at the top of the stairs to steady myself before I went in
This is happening to me a lot lately
Everytime I stand up my head feels really heavy and I get so dizzy that I think I'm going to pass out
I told Mary about it and she said it was because I wasn't eating enough and purging every little thing that I do eat
It was a difficult session
She really pushed me to make a commitment to change
There is still this never ending tug of war going on inside my head
To recover or not to recover
I'm stuck in this wishy washy, no man's land
Limbo



Bless Mary, she is trying so hard to help me
It must be so frustrating for her to watch me go round and around in circles
If I were her I'd want to shake me
To slap some sense in to me
After the session I walked up to meet my mother
I had been walking for a couple of minutes when I started to feel dizzy again
My heart was thumping out of my chest and I was sure I was going to throw up
I had to stop right there, sit on the kerb and put my head between my knees
Thank God it passed but it was scary
My eating disorder is finally taking it's toll on my health
It's affecting my everyday life
I just don't feel right
I don't feel well
Like my body is shutting down

My weight continues to drop
About half a pound a day
The anorectic part of my mind is loving it
But in reality I am worried
I'm weighing myself every day and every day the number goes down
I feel like I am spinning out of control
Like this is all happening to me and I have no say in the matter
It scares me

Mary expressed concern about my blog also
The last week I've had no internet and therefore no blogging
I actually did more outside of the house during that week
Without the internet I had to find other things to do
Mary asked me whether my blog helps me or hinders me
Up until recently I would have said that it 100% helps me
But having been away from it for a week I can see that it does have some drawbacks
My blog keeps me very focused on my ED
Thinking about it
Reading about it
Writing about
And I think the more attention we give our eating disorders, the stronger they become
Then there is the danger of comparing myself to others
If I read someone's weight I immediately compare it to my own
That can be extremely triggering
There is no doubt that this blog had had a positive effect though
It has given me something to do
A purpose
It helps me make sense of things
And of course the people I have met here has been the highlight of writing this blog
You all have saved my life over and over again
We have never met and may never meet
We don't know what each other looks like
We don't even know each others real names
We come from the 4 corners of the earth
Different countries
Ages
Races
Sexes
But we all have one thing in common
We are bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We feel a pain that is almost unbearable
We are prisoners in our own bodies
Some of us are hanging on by our finger tips
Some of us just want to disappear
We struggle every single day
Each in our won personal hell
We beat ourselves up emotionally
We believe we are bad people
Broken beyond repair
Unlovable
Outsiders
Living a half life
All we have is each other



There is no doubt that my blog can also be unhealthy
Sometimes I feel like because I have been given the diagnosis of anorexia/bulimia, that I have to live up to that label
That I have to be disordered
Lets be honest I think most of us would rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery
Am I wrong to say that?
Reading about that extreme highs and lows of anorexia and bulimia makes for interesting reading
Recovery and living life isn't always that way
Although maybe if I was in recovery I would find it more interesting
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes this blog can be like fuel for my eating disorders
Like it helps to maintain it
Mary asked me if I would consider taking a break from blogging to see if it makes a difference
So I am thinking about  that
I really don't want to leave you all but I suppose I have to figure out what is going to help me
I have to start helping myself

With all that said I was wondering about you
Do you think there are any negatives to blogging?
If yes, what are they?
Would you rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery?
Do you think Mary is right and I should take a break from blogging
I'd love to know what you think

Hacked?

I think someone or something has hacked in to my email account
Emails are being sent from my account which I have not written or sent
So if you have received any weird emails from my me please take no notice of them

Please let me know if you have received one and what it was about

Thanks x

Live fast, die young

So sorry to have gone AWOL again
My internet is down and it looks like it won't be fixed for another few days
It's driving me nuts
I've missed you all so much
I'm writing this from the library so I'll try and catch up as much as I can

I'm seeing Mary twice a week now
I had been weighing myself at home
My weight continues to drop
I continue not to give a shit
I doubted my own scale and it wasn't until Mary weighed me this morning that I finally believed the number
I've lost 8 pounds in the last 2-3 weeks
It both terrifies and thrills me
Mary said that if my weight continues to drop that she won't be able to see me any more
I'm not exactly sure why my weight is dropping
I haven't changed my diet drastically
Although I do know that a symptom of pancreatitis is weight loss so that could be it
I'm not deliberately trying to lose weight
And you know what?
I still feel huge
But isn't that always the way
I remember last year I cried every time I gained
It was so traumatic to see the number go up
And now it's dropping and I feel nothing
Just nothing

If Mary stopped seeing me it would be a disaster
My only option then would be inpatient and I'm trying my best to avoid that
I'm not functioning these days
I'm just about keeping it together
The future scares me
I never made plans for the future because I didn't think there would be one
I had a feeling that I would die young
Live fast, die young and all that
And I was ok with that
I really was

Words aren't coming easily right now
I can't tell you what I'm feeling because I feel nothing
Nothing matters
Nothing means anything
The days come and go
The weeks go by
Months pass
And nothing
Just nothing
I'm one big contradiction at the moment
I'm ok but I'm not ok
I'm bored yet I don't want to do anything
I'm full of energy yet I'm too tired to move
I feel in control yet I'm completely out of control
I'm here but I'm not here
My body is here but my mind is in another place
Somewhere far away
The two are completely disconnected
I can't remember what it feels like to smile unforced
To laugh
Really laugh
I feel like I'm outside of my own body
Looking down on myself
There's a voice in the back of my mind
I can barely hear it but it is there
It's telling me to stop this madness
To get out before it's too late
But maybe it is too late
Maybe this is it
I feel insanity creeping in
Like a dark shadow over my mind
I fear for my sanity
I worry I am going mad
Or maybe I already have

I am still here though
Despite everything I am still here
I would like to think that there is a reason for that
If there is a reason I wish it would make itself clear
I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing
Where I'm supposed to be going

I hope all of you are doing ok
You are all in my thoughts
If you need to contact me please do as I can answer emails on my phone

Love Ruby x

Lost

I don't know what to say anymore
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where this blog is going
I started this blog about 10 months ago
I weighed a little less than I do now and I was focused on losing more weight
It was something verging on pro ana I think
Over time it grew in to something different
I started seeing Mary
I gained some weight and maybe started to see things more clearly
I've recently culled my blog roll
I've unfollowed anything that resembles pro ana
I read more recovery blogs now
Reading about weight loss just doesn't interest me the way it used to
I hope that's a good thing
My own weight loss doesn't even interest me that much

I'm just reading water at the moment
Keeping my head above water
Just about
My Dad commented on my weight loss today
Usually I get a great kick out of comments like that but today it didn't even register

I apologise
I don't know what I'm doing
I'm not even making sense anymore
I'm lost
So very lost

Do you ever feel like you are drowning?
That your lungs are so full of water that you can't breathe

Do you ever feel like screaming?
But you open your mouth and nothing comes out

Do you ever feel suffocated?
Like you can't get enough air

Do you ever feel like you feel too much?
That you're hyper sensitive

Do you ever feel like you are unlovable
That you don't even like yourself

Do you ever feel like saying 'What is the point?'
Just lying down and never getting up

Do you ever feel like you are a burden?
Sucking the life out of people

Do you ever feel like hurting yourself?
Like stepping out in front of the next speeding car

Do you ever feel like you're about to snap?
Break right in two

Do you ever feel like you're breaking?
Falling apart

I do

What's a messed up girl to do?

Ok
This is the real truth
I've pussy footed around this subject for far too long
The truth is I'm ashamed about my life
Embarrassed
My eating disorder has beaten me in to a corner
Literally
It's left me afraid
Paranoid
Lonely
Fucked up in the head
My week goes something like this
On Monday's I go to my doctor
The chemist
Walk my dogs
Take too many tablets
Go home and sleep for the day
The only other time I leave the house is to go to appointments
I don't have the energy or the inclination to do much
I leave the tv on in the living room and the radio on in the kitchen so I won't have to listen to my own thoughts
I might or might not eat
And if I eat I will definitely purge
I don't have a job
I don't go to school
I don't have a boyfriend
I don't have hobbies
I don't see friends
I think it's safe to say that I don't have any any more
I feel tired all the time
I have to psych myself up to do anything
From having a shower to leaving the house
I constantly feel like I am on the edge
On the verge of tears
Like I'm about to break down
Lose it completely
Like I could snap at any moment
I'm not writing any of this so you'll feel sorry for me
It's just the way things are
It is what it is

Sometimes I wonder am I sick at all
Whether I am actually a bad and selfish person
I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
Everything I touch turns to shit
I am the opposite of King Midas
Sometimes I wonder whether my family would be better off without me
Then at least I wouldn't be a burden to them
This eating disorder keeps like a sick child
Helpless
Relying on others
No independence
I read other blogs who have jobs, friends, college, hobbies
I don't have any of that
I envy them
All I have is this eating disorder
It's my job
My friend
My whole world
A world ruled my numbers
My weight is dropping
Usually I would be happy about this
But I feel nothing
I couldn't care less
It doesn't matter
My weight goes down I'm miserable
My weight goes up I'm miserable
I feel cold and numb
Numb to the bone
Lifeless
I wish I  gave more of a shit
But I have absolutely no shit to give

My mind is in turmoil
I would gladly take the pain of pancreatitis over the pain inside my head
I think a broken body is easier to fix than a broken mind
A broken body is tangible
You can go to the doctor
He will tell you what's wrong
He will give you a bandage or pills
And in time it heals
A broken mind is something entirely different
You can't see it
Can't feel it
It's hard to explain
To put it in to words
For me the pain is worse then physical pain
Physical pain I can handle
But mental pain is torture
It feels like you are losing your mind
Going crazy
Losing the plot
It's a silent, invisible killer

I saw Mary yesterday
I was telling her how my thoughts are so negative
That I over think and analyse everything
My mind races
Spins out of control
That little voice in my head that tells me I'm useless
Pointless
Ugly
Fat
Unlovable
It's like a non stop film playing on a loop in my head
A film about what a bad person I am
And because I listen to it so much I know believe it
I'm just so tired
Wiped out
Drained
What's a messed up girls to do?

Do you think physical or mental pain is worse?