I originally wrote this post almost two years ago
I decided to write an updated version as I think it still applies to me
I watched a documentary last night called 'Are we all addicts?' presented by Cherry Healey on BBC3
She explored different different substances that people seem to get addicted to eg diet pills and slimming aids, legal highs, laughing gas (never heard of that one) and viagra
One girl she interviewed had a cupboard full of pills and potions to help her lose weight and she confessed to trying any diet going.
I could identify with this girl as she was a former dancer and had put on weight after she stopped dancing.
I remember when I danced people were always saying 'be careful when you stop because your muscles turn to fat'
This was of course not true
The presenter of the show also spoke about her battle with weight and confessed to buying diet pills during the filming of the show.
I've bought diet pills twice and twice they didn't work but I can identify with wanting to believe that maybe this is magical answer to all my weight worries
Even though the diet pills didn't work I still have them in my room and every now and then I think 'maybe they'll work this time' and try them again
No doubt diet pills can be addictive but the feeling is also addictive, the feeling that this is the answer to all my problems
The feeling of starting a diet whether it works or not, the promise of happiness
When my eating disorder started it wasn't about weight, I never weighed myself and had no idea I was ill, I just knew that not eating made me feel better, not eating made me feel amazing
It was only when doctors started weighing me that I became aware of my weight and bmi
I learned what an anorexic was supposed to weigh and because I had been given this label I put pressure on myself to stay below that weight
Of course like a lot of people somewhere along the way I got the message that thin equals happiness and success
I know now that couldn't be further from the truth
I know myself that I can get addicted to something very easily, not just to the usual suspects like drugs and alcohol but to anything that gives me a good feeling
If I discover a food I like (at the moment it's twix bars) I eat it constantly and get anxious if I know there are none in the house so I stock up on them
I remember a few years ago my 'food' was drifter bars
I ate them like they were going out of fashion
And then they did
All of a sudden shops stopped stocking them
I remember one day being with my mother in the car and getting her to drive me from shop to shop to shop looking for these bars.
I felt no different to when I craved heroin
I just had to have them and only them, no other chocolate bar would do
I remember around this time my boss gave me a birthday present of a bumper box of 48 drifters
You couldn't have given me a better gift
He knew me well
They were my drug
Same shit different substance
Television can be addictive to me
I could easily sit in front of the t.v for a day straight flicking from channel to channel watching endless
programmes
Sometimes I find it really difficult to tear myself away from it and will schedule my day around my favourite shows
I used to watch box sets in bed at night for hour,s I've stopped now as I wasn't getting any sleep
I've watched the whole boxset of The Sopranos back to back 3 times
Same with Mad Men
Same with Grey's Anatomy
Same with .........
The internet
I'm probably not alone with this one
Who hasn't looked up from their computer screen and realised that 4 hours have gone by since you last moved
I know I need to sign off when I'm holding my pee so I think I'm going to burst
I'm not a huge Facebook fan but endless google searches about anything and everything keep me plenty occupied
Hands up if you're addicted to the internet!
Tea
I don't drink coffee but I sure as hell am addicted to tea
I'm up about an hour and a half and I'm on my third cup of tea
And I have special cups that I drink out of
I'm afraid to count how many I drink a day
I remember in treatment they took my big cup off me and replaced it with a small one
Ididn't see the big deal until they pointed out I was getting up 3 times a night to make tea
They locked the kitchen after that
I think the tea is a comfort thing, a nice warm drink that soothes the soul
That and the caffeine of course
Exercise
Once I start I find it hard to stop
If I don't get 2-3 walks a day I freak out a bit
Having 2 dogs is my excuse and I'm sticking to it
Cigarettes
The worst culprit of all
I hate that I love them
I wish I'd never started
My dad gave them up recently and made it look very easy
And yes I 'm afraid to give them up incase I gain weight
Shopping
I can go through phases of spending money like a maniac
Money that I don't have
My weakness is clothes
And internet shopping
It's so easy just to click
It doesn't feel like spending money at all
Shoplifting
This is part of my ED
I went through a period where I shoplifted a lot
Food
Clothes
Make up
Jewellery
Anything without a security tag
Oh I almost forgot medication
I've been taking it for so long I forget to count it, 10 years now
Methadone is the most addictive of the meds I am on
However I'm weaning off it slowly, it's taking years
I am mentally and physically addicted to my meds
If I don't have them for some reason, I really lose my shit
They are like a buffer between me and reality
On that note I was wondering about you
Are you addicted to anything be it drink, drugs or the weird and the wonderful
I'd love to know
Wednesday 2 July 2014
Toothache update
I rang my dentist at 9am
I explained my situation
That I was in severe pain
And I didn't sleep a wink with the horrible throbbing in my tooth
I was in agony
They told me to go straight in
I was glad because by this stage I felt like banging my head off a brick wall
I downed some painkillers and my mother and I set off
I arrived there about 10 15am
But there was some sort of dental emergency happening
And I was told to come back in an hour
I silently cursed under my breath and left
To distract myself I bought a pair of slippers and trousers
The hour dragged
And eventually it was time to go back
I was called in and I sat down on the chair
He lowered the chair so far back that my head was resting on his chest
Uncomfortable much?
He looked at my teeth and said that my last remaining back tooth would have to come out
I didn't care
I was in so much pain I wouldn't have cared if he took every tooth in my head out
Anything but this pain
He injected my gums to numb them
And I went out to the waiting room
I'm always paranoid that my gums are not numb enough
I kept probing my tooth to see if I could feel anything
I didn't feel too numb at all
Soon I was called back in
I told the dentist my fear that my gum wasn't properly numb
He said he would start and if I felt any pain he would stop
Oh my good God
I didn't like the sound of that
He picked up an instrument and began to loosen my tooth
But as soon as he had started I felt a red hot pain straight away
My knee jerk reaction was to pull his hands away from my mouth
And that's what I did
'Don't touch my hands' he snapped
Well excuse for not wanting you to take my tooth out while my gum is not numb
More injections
Many more
It hurt like nobodies business
Then he began again
This time I couldn't feel anything
Just a lot of pressure and pulling
I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed for it to be over
My head was being pulled in unnatural positions
And it seemed to be taking a long time
10 minutes later and the tooth still wasn't out
I could feel bits of it breaking off and landing on my tongue
I was starting to freak out slightly
As I had no clue what was going on
The dental assistant kept saying 'You're so brave Ruby, you're a great patient'
I felt like saying Fuck you, you horrible dentist, get your hands off me
But I didn't
I put up
And shut up
And resisted the urge to get up and run out of the room
Tooth or no tooth
Another 5 minutes later and I still wasn't sure what was going on
Lots of pressure
Lots of pulling and probing and pushing
All of a sudden it became too much
I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes
With a final crack and crunch the tooth came out
'There' the dentist said
'Is it out' I asked
'Yes but it was a very difficult extraction' he replied
No shit Sherlock
I just sat through the bloody thing
I tried to keep my dignity in tact and stood up even though my legs felt like jelly
When the assistant saw me crying she told me that I had done really well
And handed me a tissue
My Mother was sitting in the waiting room
I started to sob
It was the most horrific dentist experience that I have ever had
The dentist told that I couldn't smoke for a week
I obeyed that instruction for all of 5 minutes
And lit up the minute I got outside
By now I was feeling very sorry for myself
I just wanted to go home
Thankfully the guilty culprit is now gone
It's such a relief not to be in pain
To feel normal again
I'm home now
I'm going to have a cup of tea
And have a little rest
Nighty night
I explained my situation
That I was in severe pain
And I didn't sleep a wink with the horrible throbbing in my tooth
I was in agony
They told me to go straight in
I was glad because by this stage I felt like banging my head off a brick wall
I downed some painkillers and my mother and I set off
I arrived there about 10 15am
But there was some sort of dental emergency happening
And I was told to come back in an hour
I silently cursed under my breath and left
To distract myself I bought a pair of slippers and trousers
The hour dragged
And eventually it was time to go back
I was called in and I sat down on the chair
He lowered the chair so far back that my head was resting on his chest
Uncomfortable much?
He looked at my teeth and said that my last remaining back tooth would have to come out
I didn't care
I was in so much pain I wouldn't have cared if he took every tooth in my head out
Anything but this pain
He injected my gums to numb them
And I went out to the waiting room
I'm always paranoid that my gums are not numb enough
I kept probing my tooth to see if I could feel anything
I didn't feel too numb at all
Soon I was called back in
I told the dentist my fear that my gum wasn't properly numb
He said he would start and if I felt any pain he would stop
Oh my good God
I didn't like the sound of that
He picked up an instrument and began to loosen my tooth
But as soon as he had started I felt a red hot pain straight away
My knee jerk reaction was to pull his hands away from my mouth
And that's what I did
'Don't touch my hands' he snapped
Well excuse for not wanting you to take my tooth out while my gum is not numb
More injections
Many more
It hurt like nobodies business
Then he began again
This time I couldn't feel anything
Just a lot of pressure and pulling
I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed for it to be over
My head was being pulled in unnatural positions
And it seemed to be taking a long time
10 minutes later and the tooth still wasn't out
I could feel bits of it breaking off and landing on my tongue
I was starting to freak out slightly
As I had no clue what was going on
The dental assistant kept saying 'You're so brave Ruby, you're a great patient'
I felt like saying Fuck you, you horrible dentist, get your hands off me
But I didn't
I put up
And shut up
And resisted the urge to get up and run out of the room
Tooth or no tooth
Another 5 minutes later and I still wasn't sure what was going on
Lots of pressure
Lots of pulling and probing and pushing
All of a sudden it became too much
I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes
With a final crack and crunch the tooth came out
'There' the dentist said
'Is it out' I asked
'Yes but it was a very difficult extraction' he replied
No shit Sherlock
I just sat through the bloody thing
I tried to keep my dignity in tact and stood up even though my legs felt like jelly
When the assistant saw me crying she told me that I had done really well
And handed me a tissue
My Mother was sitting in the waiting room
I started to sob
It was the most horrific dentist experience that I have ever had
The dentist told that I couldn't smoke for a week
I obeyed that instruction for all of 5 minutes
And lit up the minute I got outside
By now I was feeling very sorry for myself
I just wanted to go home
Thankfully the guilty culprit is now gone
It's such a relief not to be in pain
To feel normal again
I'm home now
I'm going to have a cup of tea
And have a little rest
Nighty night
Tuesday 1 July 2014
Toothache
For about the last 10 days I have had a horrific tooth ache
I finally got my big butt to the dentist yesterday
After checking my teeth
He said that I needed two fillings and an extraction
And he would do the two fillings then
He injected my upper gum
And I went out to the waiting room to wait for the numbness to set
I'm not afraid of the dentist
I've been so many times over the last couple of years
It's no big deal
A few minutes later and I was called back in
He started to work on my teeth
'I hope this works' he said at one point
'If you still have pain tomorrow come back in'
What the.....? I thought to myself
I kept my eyes shut through the whole procedure
I hate seeing the instruments
But I felt nothing
Just pressure and scraping
It wasn't too bad at all
Then it was over
I rinsed my mouth and got my things together
And made another appointment for next week
But even as I was walking over to the car
I could still feel the pain
It was still there
It was after 5pm so there was no point going back to the dentist
So I stocked up on painkillers and went home
Ones with codeine in them which I'm not supposed to take
But hell I am not putting up with a toothache all night
I arrived home shattered
I took some painkillers and hoped and prayed that the pain wouldn't be too bad
But it was bad
And gradually got worse through out the evening
It was so bad that I couldn't sleep
Hence why I am up so early writing this post
Waiting for 9am so I can ring the dentist for another appointment today
I swear toothache is one of the worst pains
Like a splitting migraine
Only in your mouth
At times I felt like screaming
Like pulling it out myself
I bite the head off anyone that talks to me
The pain is driving me loopy
Any ideas out there for what is good for a toothache?
Weight Progress 2013 - 2014
I decided to track my weight from summer 2013 - now
Not to torture myself that I have put on so much weight
But to see how far I have come
From that skinny scared girl
To the woman that I am becoming
It feels so weird to say that, woman
But that's what I am
Whether I like it or not
Of course my progress is not just the fact that I now take up more space
Other changes have happened
My mood finally improved, Praise the Lord
I'm more accepting of myself
I'm more positive
I now see friends
I now live my life more than I ever did
Of course there is still much work to do
But at lease I have made a start
 |
| July 2013 |
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| September 2013 |
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| December 2013 |
 |
| March 2014 |
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| March 2014 (Was quite shocked to see this photo) |
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| March 2014 |
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| March 2014 |
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| May 2014 |
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| May 2014 |
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| May 2014 |
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| June 2014 |
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| June 2014 |
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| June 2014 |
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| End of June 2014 |
Monday 30 June 2014
It's ok not to be ok
Thank you everyone for your kind comments, emails and messages of support
It truly means more than you know
It's Monday
A new week
A fresh start
I am glad to see the back of the weekend
Thankfully I slept last night
I was so wiped out
I woke up this morning with a slightly more positive perspective
I am determined not to let this slip turn in to relapse
I went to the doctor
I couldn't see the road pulling out of my house in my car
But I pulled out anyway
The next thing I heard my mother scream
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a car behind me
I braced myself for the impact
Thankfully the car was going slowly so was able to stop
Why do I take such chances?
My doctor broke his ankle
So we spent the few minutes talking about that
I didn't tell him about my horrible weekend
I collected my meds and took them properly
I was so tempted to take more and sleep for the day
But I didn't
I need to face these feelings
Not run away from them
I meant to be going to my nutrition course today
We are supposed to be cooking spaghetti bolognase
I just can't face it
I can't face other people
And I sure as heck can't face eating in front of them
I'm tired
I'm going to take it easy today
I'm going to mind myself
Be kind to myself
I gave myself such a hard time over the weekend
I need to take care of myself
I have calmed down a bit after the weight gain
Gosh weight is such a minefield
One minute I was fine
I was happy enough in my own skin
Then I weighed myself
And the shit hit the fan
Nothing had changed
I hadn't changed
All that was different was that I now knew my weight in kilos
That little number that has so much power over me
I just don't understand it
Everyone keeps telling me that they can't see the gain
That I still look underweight
But the reality is that I have gained over 10 kilos in the last few months
The reality is that I have gone from being underweight to an almost healthy weight
Even though I feel like it
I am not giving up
It's true
I can't be in great form every day
That is not realistic
Even the most well adjusted person has bad days
Or a bad week
It's perfectly normal
And it's ok
It's ok not to be ok
Not to be prefect
They say that becoming grateful can aid happiness
I have a lot to be grateful for
I am relatively healthy
I have an amazing family
Great friends
Dedicated professionals who go above and beyond to help me
2 wonderful dogs
I don't want for anything
I am blessed in a lot of ways
I need to remember that
Recovery is a process
I just hit a bump in the road
I can bounce back
I've been bouncing back my whole
It takes a lot to keep this girl down
I was so blown away by the support after my last couple of posts
Your advice and kindness has been invaluable
Knowing that you are reading and commenting and wishing me well is such a comfort
Starting this blog was one of the better decisions that I have made
I have some truly amazing friends
Such good friends
You have kept me going through all of this
Recovery really is a roller coaster
Ups and downs
Highs and lows
I guess it's all part of the process
It would be really easy to lie down and admit defeat
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But that is not in my nature
I am a fighter
I have been fighting my whole life
I will not let this bitch of an illness take my life
I didn't come through drug addiction only for my ED to kill me
My ED is angry
Angry that I am going against her
I know she is trying every trick in the book to lure me back in
But the truth is my ED does not hold the appeal that it once did
I've been there
Done that
Worn the extra small t-shirt
There are no unanswered questions about my ED any more
It is not a mystery any more
It's not romantic
I can now see it for what it is
A deadly disease that wants me dead
I have no doubt about that
I am going to sit in the sun and read my book
I am going to keep fighting
Keep believing
And most importantly keep hoping
It truly means more than you know
It's Monday
A new week
A fresh start
I am glad to see the back of the weekend
Thankfully I slept last night
I was so wiped out
I woke up this morning with a slightly more positive perspective
I am determined not to let this slip turn in to relapse
I went to the doctor
I couldn't see the road pulling out of my house in my car
But I pulled out anyway
The next thing I heard my mother scream
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a car behind me
I braced myself for the impact
Thankfully the car was going slowly so was able to stop
Why do I take such chances?
My doctor broke his ankle
So we spent the few minutes talking about that
I didn't tell him about my horrible weekend
I collected my meds and took them properly
I was so tempted to take more and sleep for the day
But I didn't
I need to face these feelings
Not run away from them
I meant to be going to my nutrition course today
We are supposed to be cooking spaghetti bolognase
I just can't face it
I can't face other people
And I sure as heck can't face eating in front of them
I'm tired
I'm going to take it easy today
I'm going to mind myself
Be kind to myself
I gave myself such a hard time over the weekend
I need to take care of myself
I have calmed down a bit after the weight gain
Gosh weight is such a minefield
One minute I was fine
I was happy enough in my own skin
Then I weighed myself
And the shit hit the fan
Nothing had changed
I hadn't changed
All that was different was that I now knew my weight in kilos
That little number that has so much power over me
I just don't understand it
Everyone keeps telling me that they can't see the gain
That I still look underweight
But the reality is that I have gained over 10 kilos in the last few months
The reality is that I have gone from being underweight to an almost healthy weight
Even though I feel like it
I am not giving up
It's true
I can't be in great form every day
That is not realistic
Even the most well adjusted person has bad days
Or a bad week
It's perfectly normal
And it's ok
It's ok not to be ok
Not to be prefect
They say that becoming grateful can aid happiness
I have a lot to be grateful for
I am relatively healthy
I have an amazing family
Great friends
Dedicated professionals who go above and beyond to help me
2 wonderful dogs
I don't want for anything
I am blessed in a lot of ways
I need to remember that
Recovery is a process
I just hit a bump in the road
I can bounce back
I've been bouncing back my whole
It takes a lot to keep this girl down
I was so blown away by the support after my last couple of posts
Your advice and kindness has been invaluable
Knowing that you are reading and commenting and wishing me well is such a comfort
Starting this blog was one of the better decisions that I have made
I have some truly amazing friends
Such good friends
You have kept me going through all of this
Recovery really is a roller coaster
Ups and downs
Highs and lows
I guess it's all part of the process
It would be really easy to lie down and admit defeat
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But that is not in my nature
I am a fighter
I have been fighting my whole life
I will not let this bitch of an illness take my life
I didn't come through drug addiction only for my ED to kill me
My ED is angry
Angry that I am going against her
I know she is trying every trick in the book to lure me back in
But the truth is my ED does not hold the appeal that it once did
I've been there
Done that
Worn the extra small t-shirt
There are no unanswered questions about my ED any more
It is not a mystery any more
It's not romantic
I can now see it for what it is
A deadly disease that wants me dead
I have no doubt about that
I am going to sit in the sun and read my book
I am going to keep fighting
Keep believing
And most importantly keep hoping
Sunday 29 June 2014
?
The setback continues
God forgive me I've had a pretty miserable couple of days
It's only now when our visitors have gone that I can breath out and let myself not be ok
I've painted a smile on my face all weekend
I didn't have a meltdown when my brother told me that gained a 'little bit of weight'
Granted I asked for that
Literally
I played the part of the good little recovering anorectic
But today I just felt so weary
I declined to go to the beach with my family
I just needed some time to myself
To figure out what it is I am going through right now
In hindsight maybe I should have gone out
I binged and purged many times
I didn't even want the food
I just wanted the relief of the purge
I wanted to feel empty
In body and mind
In an effort to put the brakes on, I brought my dogs for a walk
But I had to turn back as I could feel my blood sugar dropping
That old familiar feeling
Why does everything taste better when your blood sugar is in the toilet?
And then to add insult to injury I decided to weigh myself
Why?
Because I am a glutton for punishment
I'm not even supposed to have a scale
But where there's a will......
I gained another 2kg
I felt nothing as I stared at the number
I knew I felt bigger
Now I have almost crossed the threshold from underweight to a normal weight
2kg is nothing when you are severely underweight
But now it seems like a massive amount
I don't like it
I don't like it one bit
I had almost got used to my new shape
I almost liked it
Almost
But now I am expanding in every direction
I don't want to gain more
I can't handle that
Everything is upside down
And topsy turvy
The way I am feeling right now recovery can do one
The way I am feeling right now I am planning diets and fasts in my head
The way I feel right now I am a failure and a fuck up
The way I feel right now is unstable, afraid and disgusting
I need to get my food sorted
I am living off a diet of salt and vinegar crisps and white chocolate
I don't eat proper food
Because if I eat I eat proper food I can't have my crisps and chocolate and I want my crisps and chocolate
They win every time
I feel so confused
So torn between wanting to be well and wanting to fall head first down the rabbit hole
The thought of restricting is both thrilling and terrifying
I know that just as easy as I gain the weight
I can lose it all too
How attractive that option seems right now
I was also massively triggered today
I read a post about someone who had lost weight and all of a sudden I wanted to too
It's the first time I've been triggered in a while and it pretty much floored me
Have I been in the 'pink cloud' of recovery this whole time?
Have I just come down to reality
Is this what recovery is really like?
I just don't know any more
Anyway
I digress
Here is me in my pjs tonight
You see?
I have gained weight
God forgive me I've had a pretty miserable couple of days
It's only now when our visitors have gone that I can breath out and let myself not be ok
I've painted a smile on my face all weekend
I didn't have a meltdown when my brother told me that gained a 'little bit of weight'
Granted I asked for that
Literally
I played the part of the good little recovering anorectic
But today I just felt so weary
I declined to go to the beach with my family
I just needed some time to myself
To figure out what it is I am going through right now
In hindsight maybe I should have gone out
I binged and purged many times
I didn't even want the food
I just wanted the relief of the purge
I wanted to feel empty
In body and mind
In an effort to put the brakes on, I brought my dogs for a walk
But I had to turn back as I could feel my blood sugar dropping
That old familiar feeling
Why does everything taste better when your blood sugar is in the toilet?
And then to add insult to injury I decided to weigh myself
Why?
Because I am a glutton for punishment
I'm not even supposed to have a scale
But where there's a will......
I gained another 2kg
I felt nothing as I stared at the number
I knew I felt bigger
Now I have almost crossed the threshold from underweight to a normal weight
2kg is nothing when you are severely underweight
But now it seems like a massive amount
I don't like it
I don't like it one bit
I had almost got used to my new shape
I almost liked it
Almost
But now I am expanding in every direction
I don't want to gain more
I can't handle that
Everything is upside down
And topsy turvy
The way I am feeling right now recovery can do one
The way I am feeling right now I am planning diets and fasts in my head
The way I feel right now I am a failure and a fuck up
The way I feel right now is unstable, afraid and disgusting
I need to get my food sorted
I am living off a diet of salt and vinegar crisps and white chocolate
I don't eat proper food
Because if I eat I eat proper food I can't have my crisps and chocolate and I want my crisps and chocolate
They win every time
I feel so confused
So torn between wanting to be well and wanting to fall head first down the rabbit hole
The thought of restricting is both thrilling and terrifying
I know that just as easy as I gain the weight
I can lose it all too
How attractive that option seems right now
I was also massively triggered today
I read a post about someone who had lost weight and all of a sudden I wanted to too
It's the first time I've been triggered in a while and it pretty much floored me
Have I been in the 'pink cloud' of recovery this whole time?
Have I just come down to reality
Is this what recovery is really like?
I just don't know any more
Anyway
I digress
Here is me in my pjs tonight
You see?
I have gained weight
Setback
Yesterday I did something that I haven't done in a long time
I don't know why I did it
I didn't plan it
I didn't want to to do it
I don't know why it happened
Today I fee so guilty and ashamed
A huge part of me doesn't want to write this post as I am afraid of being judged
But I have to write it
I can't keep this to myself
Let me explain
My mother, my brother and I went in to town yesterday afternoon
We were dropping my nephew off at a party
And my brother wanted to go to a couple of bookshops
I was just coming along for the spin
We dropped my nephew off and headed to the bookshop
For some reason I decided to go in to a clothes shop
I don't know why
I had no money so it wasn't like I could buy anything
I had a look around
And found a dress that I liked
I picked up two sizes and went to the dressing room
I avoided the shop assistant so I didn't have to bring the little tag with the number on it
I think even then I knew what I was going to do
I tried on the dress in the first size and it fit perfectly
I wanted it
But as I said I had no money
At this point I must say that had I asked my mother for the loan of the money I am sure she would have given it to me
But would make too much sense
Instead I rolled up the dress as tight as I could and stuffed it in to my bag
As I walked out of the dressing room my heart was thumping
I put the other dress back
And as calmly as I could, I walked out of the shop
I walked through the threshold of the door
Half expecting an alarm to go off
But it didn't
I speed walked away from from the shop as quick as I could
I went down and met my brother and mother
I pretended like nothing had happened
I tried to act normal but I was high on adrenalin
Blood was pumping through my body
I felt exhilarated
I couldn't quite believe what I had just done
I felt a mixture of shock and disbelief
How could I be so bold?
How could I have done this?
I thought I was over this shit
We went on to the next shop
My brother wanted to buy a bottle of wine so we headed to the supermarket
There is also a clothes section in this shop
We walked in and I immediately got distracted by all the pretty clothes
I walked around and found a couple of things that I liked
A burnt orange cardigan with cats on it
And a sleeveless cardigan perfect for the summer months
I could only afford to buy one
But I brought both to the changing room
Again I sneakily avoided any shop workers
I tried on both and loved both
I quickly worked out which was cheaper
The cat cardigan
There was not much room in my bag but I managed to squeeze the sleeveless cardigan in to it
I walked out as calmly as I could and walked to the check out
I put the cat cardigan on the counter only to hear behind me 'Excuse me'
I froze
The jig was up
I thought I was caught
I turned around
'I was before you' a woman said
'Oh I'm sorry' I replied
As relief flooded through my body
I stepped back to let her through and tried not to have a heart attack
I looked at my hands and they were shaking
I tried to keep it together
I paid for my item
As I was walking out I saw the security guard sitting at the cameras
Mild panic set in
I headed out the door and looked for my mother and brother
I really should have got the heck out of there
Eventually they came and we set off for home
I was in a bit of shock
I couldn't quite believe what I had done
I really thought that I had put this behaviour behind me
It's been a long time since I have done this
I know that it is part of my ED
I was told this in treatment
I used to steal food all the time
Not because couldn't afford it
I'm not quite sure why I did it
Maybe for the high
Maybe for the control
I really don't know
As I began to feel better in the last few months
The shoplifting improved
Then stopped altogether
Yesterday hit me totally out of the blue
And I feel so God damned guilty
What a stupid thing to do
I could easily have been caught
And how mortifying would that have been
And how cheeky am I?
To think that I can just steal items like that
What makes me think that I don't have to pay for them?
I truly don't understand myself sometimes
I really need to talk to Mary about this
I am seeing her on Thursday and it can't come soon enough
Maybe if I understand why I am doing this
Then I can get a handle on it
It's sounds strange that shoplifting can be part of an ED
But it is
I was told in treatment
And Mary told me too
But I am not a thief
I am generally an honest person
But then sometimes I so something stupid like this
And it is utterly stupid
I kept this behaviour to myself for the longest time
I was so ashamed of it
Then one day a couple of years ago I was reading a blog over on Wordpress
The writer was talking about shoplifting food and other items
I remember feeling such relief that I was not the only one
I immediately emailed her and she was so supportive
I then found the courage to break my own silence and write about it here
I know that I am not the only one
I know there are many others that do this
But they are too ashamed to admit it
Please know that if you are doing this that you are not alone
And it doesn't make you a bad person
It's part of the illness
Part of the disorder
I feel disappointed in myself today
I was doing so well
I guess it just goes to show that my ED can hit me out of the blue
It can show up uninvited
I didn't plan yesterday
It was completely impulsive
I just couldn't stop myself
It was like I was on autopilot
That is not to take any of the responsibility away from myself
I did it
I am to blame
I have to take responsibility for my actions
I don't know quite what to do now
I feel too guilty to wear the clothes
They are stolen goods
I wouldn't feel right wearing them knowing how they were acquired
So I need your help
Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do?
Do you ever do this?
How did you stop?
I would really love to know
I don't know why I did it
I didn't plan it
I didn't want to to do it
I don't know why it happened
Today I fee so guilty and ashamed
A huge part of me doesn't want to write this post as I am afraid of being judged
But I have to write it
I can't keep this to myself
Let me explain
My mother, my brother and I went in to town yesterday afternoon
We were dropping my nephew off at a party
And my brother wanted to go to a couple of bookshops
I was just coming along for the spin
We dropped my nephew off and headed to the bookshop
For some reason I decided to go in to a clothes shop
I don't know why
I had no money so it wasn't like I could buy anything
I had a look around
And found a dress that I liked
I picked up two sizes and went to the dressing room
I avoided the shop assistant so I didn't have to bring the little tag with the number on it
I think even then I knew what I was going to do
I tried on the dress in the first size and it fit perfectly
I wanted it
But as I said I had no money
At this point I must say that had I asked my mother for the loan of the money I am sure she would have given it to me
But would make too much sense
Instead I rolled up the dress as tight as I could and stuffed it in to my bag
As I walked out of the dressing room my heart was thumping
I put the other dress back
And as calmly as I could, I walked out of the shop
I walked through the threshold of the door
Half expecting an alarm to go off
But it didn't
I speed walked away from from the shop as quick as I could
I went down and met my brother and mother
I pretended like nothing had happened
I tried to act normal but I was high on adrenalin
Blood was pumping through my body
I felt exhilarated
I couldn't quite believe what I had just done
I felt a mixture of shock and disbelief
How could I be so bold?
How could I have done this?
I thought I was over this shit
We went on to the next shop
My brother wanted to buy a bottle of wine so we headed to the supermarket
There is also a clothes section in this shop
We walked in and I immediately got distracted by all the pretty clothes
I walked around and found a couple of things that I liked
A burnt orange cardigan with cats on it
And a sleeveless cardigan perfect for the summer months
I could only afford to buy one
But I brought both to the changing room
Again I sneakily avoided any shop workers
I tried on both and loved both
I quickly worked out which was cheaper
The cat cardigan
There was not much room in my bag but I managed to squeeze the sleeveless cardigan in to it
I walked out as calmly as I could and walked to the check out
I put the cat cardigan on the counter only to hear behind me 'Excuse me'
I froze
The jig was up
I thought I was caught
I turned around
'I was before you' a woman said
'Oh I'm sorry' I replied
As relief flooded through my body
I stepped back to let her through and tried not to have a heart attack
I looked at my hands and they were shaking
I tried to keep it together
I paid for my item
As I was walking out I saw the security guard sitting at the cameras
Mild panic set in
I headed out the door and looked for my mother and brother
I really should have got the heck out of there
Eventually they came and we set off for home
I was in a bit of shock
I couldn't quite believe what I had done
I really thought that I had put this behaviour behind me
It's been a long time since I have done this
I know that it is part of my ED
I was told this in treatment
I used to steal food all the time
Not because couldn't afford it
I'm not quite sure why I did it
Maybe for the high
Maybe for the control
I really don't know
As I began to feel better in the last few months
The shoplifting improved
Then stopped altogether
Yesterday hit me totally out of the blue
And I feel so God damned guilty
What a stupid thing to do
I could easily have been caught
And how mortifying would that have been
And how cheeky am I?
To think that I can just steal items like that
What makes me think that I don't have to pay for them?
I truly don't understand myself sometimes
I really need to talk to Mary about this
I am seeing her on Thursday and it can't come soon enough
Maybe if I understand why I am doing this
Then I can get a handle on it
It's sounds strange that shoplifting can be part of an ED
But it is
I was told in treatment
And Mary told me too
But I am not a thief
I am generally an honest person
But then sometimes I so something stupid like this
And it is utterly stupid
I kept this behaviour to myself for the longest time
I was so ashamed of it
Then one day a couple of years ago I was reading a blog over on Wordpress
The writer was talking about shoplifting food and other items
I remember feeling such relief that I was not the only one
I immediately emailed her and she was so supportive
I then found the courage to break my own silence and write about it here
I know that I am not the only one
I know there are many others that do this
But they are too ashamed to admit it
Please know that if you are doing this that you are not alone
And it doesn't make you a bad person
It's part of the illness
Part of the disorder
I feel disappointed in myself today
I was doing so well
I guess it just goes to show that my ED can hit me out of the blue
It can show up uninvited
I didn't plan yesterday
It was completely impulsive
I just couldn't stop myself
It was like I was on autopilot
That is not to take any of the responsibility away from myself
I did it
I am to blame
I have to take responsibility for my actions
I don't know quite what to do now
I feel too guilty to wear the clothes
They are stolen goods
I wouldn't feel right wearing them knowing how they were acquired
So I need your help
Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do?
Do you ever do this?
How did you stop?
I would really love to know
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