Ok
So I'm a bit all over the place at the moment
And it is showing in my behaviours
I shoplifted again
And not just once
A few times
What the hell is wrong with me?
It's like I sabotage myself
Everytime things seem to be going well
I come along with my self destructive-ness
And f**k it all up
Rewind to a few weeks
I took a pair of trousers and a white top from a well known shop
Having tried the trousers on at home
I didn't like them much
So yesterday I brought them back to the shop
To exchange them for something else
How cheeky am I?
I found another pair of trousers costing the same
And brought them up to the counter to exchange them
My heart was thumping as I handed in the trousers
'Could I change these please?
I got them as a present so I don't have the receipt
But the tags are still on them'
The girl was really polite and said that was fine
I waited as she did the transaction
Then it occurred to me
What if when she scans the trousers
She sees that they weren't paid for in the first place
I became mildly anxious
But tried to hold it together
The girl was busy pressing buttons on the till
And then........
'Oh there is something wrong here' she said
'Shit shit shit' ran through my head
The girl called another girl over
And I resisted the urge to turn around and RUN
All I could think was 'Ruby, why do you do these things?
It's like you want to get in to trouble'
The two girls played around with the till
And eventually finished the transaction
'Sorry about that' she said
God, I just ripped this shop off and she is saying sorry to me
This is so warped
I took my bag and began to walk out of the shop
But I wasn't finished then
Oh no
On my way out I saw some cute tops
I brought 4 in to the changing rooms
And slipped 2 in to my bag
You are one classy chick Ruby
Seriously though
This is getting out of hand
I need to stop doing this
Pronto
Before the s*it really does hit the fan
I really don't understand myself sometimes
It's like when things are finally going well for me
I decided to mess it all up
And it would be a disaster if I was caught
I live in a small town
Word would spread like wild fire
It would be beyond mortifying
I always believed that I was a bad person
And this behaviour confirms it
Or maybe I am just sick
I don't know any more
All I know is that I don't want to this
But I can't seem to control myself
What is wrong with me?
It's been really hard to write this post
As I am worried about what people will think of me
Will you think any less of me?
But I have to write it
I have to be honest
And I have to tell on my ED
Because I have no doubt that this is part of my ED
I know it is
But knowing that does not ease my guilt
I still think I am just a bad person
Please tell me I am not a bad person
HELP!!!!!!
Wednesday 23 July 2014
Monday 21 July 2014
Rituals
I just published a post
Then promptly deleted it
It was pretentious drivel
Indulging my eating disorder
Feeling sorry for myself
'Looking for notice' as my mother would say
The truth is that yes, I did sleep the whole day away today
No, I did not overuse my meds
I was just so over tired from my exertions over the last week
I have been doing a lot
And I love that now I am doing much more
But my body can't keep up with my brain
I need to feed my body more
So I can do these things
You see
My problem is that I can't eat outside of my house
Correction
I can eat
But my ED won't let me
When I eat at home
It is like a ritual
A ceremony
I use certain cups
Plates
And cutlery
If I am on my own in the house
I set everything up in the sitting room
My cup in it's place
A tray for my plate
Salt and pepper (Because I am a salt and pepper addict)
I put in my favourite tv programme
And let the ceremony begin
I eat things in a certain way
A certain amount of bites
Then a drink
Add salt
Add pepper
Every move carefully co-ordinated for maximum enjoyment
I like eating on my own
I like not having to make polite conversation at the table
I find it quite hard to eat around others
I just don't enjoy my food in the same way
I know it is quite eating disordered to eat this way
That it is normal to eat at the table with others
But it is an effort for me to do that
I was wondering about you
Do you have food rituals and habits like me?
Do you eat on your own or with others?
I'd love to know
Then promptly deleted it
It was pretentious drivel
Indulging my eating disorder
Feeling sorry for myself
'Looking for notice' as my mother would say
The truth is that yes, I did sleep the whole day away today
No, I did not overuse my meds
I was just so over tired from my exertions over the last week
I have been doing a lot
And I love that now I am doing much more
But my body can't keep up with my brain
I need to feed my body more
So I can do these things
You see
My problem is that I can't eat outside of my house
Correction
I can eat
But my ED won't let me
When I eat at home
It is like a ritual
A ceremony
I use certain cups
Plates
And cutlery
If I am on my own in the house
I set everything up in the sitting room
My cup in it's place
A tray for my plate
Salt and pepper (Because I am a salt and pepper addict)
I put in my favourite tv programme
And let the ceremony begin
I eat things in a certain way
A certain amount of bites
Then a drink
Add salt
Add pepper
Every move carefully co-ordinated for maximum enjoyment
I like eating on my own
I like not having to make polite conversation at the table
I find it quite hard to eat around others
I just don't enjoy my food in the same way
I know it is quite eating disordered to eat this way
That it is normal to eat at the table with others
But it is an effort for me to do that
I was wondering about you
Do you have food rituals and habits like me?
Do you eat on your own or with others?
I'd love to know
Sunday 20 July 2014
Strandhill on Sunday
After swimming this morning
I spent a lovely day in Strandhill with my Mum, my sister
And of course Honey and Lea
Who are never far from my side
We walked the beach
Went to the craft fair
And went for tea
It was a day well spent
Here is photographic record of the day..........
I spent a lovely day in Strandhill with my Mum, my sister
And of course Honey and Lea
Who are never far from my side
We walked the beach
Went to the craft fair
And went for tea
It was a day well spent
Here is photographic record of the day..........
Out and about
I did something this morning that I haven't done in years
Excluding last week when I had to do it because Honey was drowning
Yes, I went swimming
I've had my swimming bag packed for months
But I only worked up the courage to go today
And that was mostly because my sister went with me
My first challenge was to de-fuzz my body
I don't tend to get my body out very much so there was much de-fuzzing to be done
Then my dilemma was what to wear swimming
I went through my wardrobe and found various options
A navy bikini
A white and navy striped bikini
A pair of blue swimming togs
And a nice sleek pair of black Speedos
I also took rashie and a pair of little shorts out
What to wear, what to wear?
I finally decided on the black Speedos as they were the least conspicuous
We had a quick cuppa
And then it was off to the pool
As a child/teenager I was a member of the local swimming club
And swam competitively for my county
I lived in the pool
I swam before school
After school
I loved it
But then when I turned 15 I started to smoke and drink
And generally act the maggot
I quickly lost interest in my beloved swimming
Since then I have rarely swam
Up until today that is
We arrived at the pool
I invested in a good pair of goggles
We changed and ventured out in to the pool area
Thankfully it was early and we were the first ones there
I avoided any mirrors
As I afraid that if I saw my almost naked body
I might run screaming from the building
I waded in to the water
It was warm
I immediately felt at home
It felt amazing
The water supports me no matter what my body weight
Weight ceases to have any meaning when you are in the water
We swam for about half an hour
Then the place started to be invaded by children
So we headed for the sauna before calling it a day
I felt so good after wards
Even if the chlorine did strip a layer of skin off me
I can't wait to go again
And again
And again........
Sorry no swimming photos
The blogosphere is not ready to see my partially naked body
But here is one of me and my sister taken after said swimming
Excluding last week when I had to do it because Honey was drowning
Yes, I went swimming
I've had my swimming bag packed for months
But I only worked up the courage to go today
And that was mostly because my sister went with me
My first challenge was to de-fuzz my body
I don't tend to get my body out very much so there was much de-fuzzing to be done
Then my dilemma was what to wear swimming
I went through my wardrobe and found various options
A navy bikini
A white and navy striped bikini
A pair of blue swimming togs
And a nice sleek pair of black Speedos
I also took rashie and a pair of little shorts out
What to wear, what to wear?
I finally decided on the black Speedos as they were the least conspicuous
We had a quick cuppa
And then it was off to the pool
As a child/teenager I was a member of the local swimming club
And swam competitively for my county
I lived in the pool
I swam before school
After school
I loved it
But then when I turned 15 I started to smoke and drink
And generally act the maggot
I quickly lost interest in my beloved swimming
Since then I have rarely swam
Up until today that is
We arrived at the pool
I invested in a good pair of goggles
We changed and ventured out in to the pool area
Thankfully it was early and we were the first ones there
I avoided any mirrors
As I afraid that if I saw my almost naked body
I might run screaming from the building
I waded in to the water
It was warm
I immediately felt at home
It felt amazing
The water supports me no matter what my body weight
Weight ceases to have any meaning when you are in the water
We swam for about half an hour
Then the place started to be invaded by children
So we headed for the sauna before calling it a day
I felt so good after wards
Even if the chlorine did strip a layer of skin off me
I can't wait to go again
And again
And again........
Sorry no swimming photos
The blogosphere is not ready to see my partially naked body
But here is one of me and my sister taken after said swimming
N
I had an unexpected phone call yesterday
I looked at my phone to see who was calling
And I was delighted to see the name Nicola on the screen
Nicola is a girl that I was in treatment with before Christmas
She had been on the programme about a week before I came in
I remember the first day I saw her
She was pacing up and down the hall
And I thought that she was so very thin
She spoke to everyone she passed
Had a huge smile
I knew immediately that I would like her
As I unpacked my clothes in my new room
She stuck her head in the door
She came in and sat on my bed as we introduced ourselves
I remember giving her a big hug within minutes of meeting her
We became firm friends fast
She was like a breath of fresh air
So friendly
Everyone loved her
It was hard not to
I remember one evening she asked me to straighten her hair
I brought my GHD down to her room
And we chatted as I did her hair
We both agreed her hair looked really good straight
It wasn't until I went to plug out the straightener that I realised that it wasn't even turned on
We laughed and laughed until our sides hurt
The first time I had laughed in ages
Nicola left soon after that
I remember I was heart broken
I answered the phone and it was so good to hear that familiar voice
We picked up exactly where we had left off
I was delighted to hear that she is doing really well
And I was so glad to be able to report to her that I am doing quite well too
We chatted for a while
And are making plans to meet up in the next couple of weeks
I am so looking forward to that
I've met so many girls in treatment over the years
Only very few have I stayed in contact with
But they are have a special place in my heart
In treatment bonds are made very quickly
I guess because having an ED in common means you have a million other things in common
We went through so much together in treatment
We laughed
Cried
Held each other
Walked endless laps of the grounds
Drank copious amounts of tea and coffee
Chain smoked in the dingy little smoking room
But we also competed with each other
To be the thinnest and the sickest
Not every girl is like this
But the majority are
It's not a personal thing
It's part of the disorder
And I think this is the reason that I never did well in treatment
In fact any time I was in treatment
I lost weight
And purged more
It's incredibly difficult to be around other eating disordered girls all day every day
Inevitably you feel like the fattest one there
And that is tough going
I just couldn't let myself gain weight
I couldn't let go of the perceived control that I had
Any time that I have re-gained weight
I have done it from home
I'm sure that treatment does work for some
I've seen it work
But those people had to be incredibly strong
And put their recovery first
The girls that I have seen do well are those that were part of the group
But also very much did their own thing
They didn't get caught up in the politics and drama of the group
And with a group of girls
There is always drama
I'm really looking forward to meeting Nicola
We even talked about doing something nice like a spa treatment
Something to treat ourselves
But of course the elephant in the room (Pardon the pun) is the fact that I am considerably bigger than the last time she saw me
Even though I know she will be nothing but happy for me that I am healthier
I still worry what she will think
I shouldn't worry really
But I wonder what she will think of me
It won't stop me going though
Just try and stop me
I looked at my phone to see who was calling
And I was delighted to see the name Nicola on the screen
Nicola is a girl that I was in treatment with before Christmas
She had been on the programme about a week before I came in
I remember the first day I saw her
She was pacing up and down the hall
And I thought that she was so very thin
She spoke to everyone she passed
Had a huge smile
I knew immediately that I would like her
As I unpacked my clothes in my new room
She stuck her head in the door
She came in and sat on my bed as we introduced ourselves
I remember giving her a big hug within minutes of meeting her
We became firm friends fast
She was like a breath of fresh air
So friendly
Everyone loved her
It was hard not to
I remember one evening she asked me to straighten her hair
I brought my GHD down to her room
And we chatted as I did her hair
We both agreed her hair looked really good straight
It wasn't until I went to plug out the straightener that I realised that it wasn't even turned on
We laughed and laughed until our sides hurt
The first time I had laughed in ages
Nicola left soon after that
I remember I was heart broken
I answered the phone and it was so good to hear that familiar voice
We picked up exactly where we had left off
I was delighted to hear that she is doing really well
And I was so glad to be able to report to her that I am doing quite well too
We chatted for a while
And are making plans to meet up in the next couple of weeks
I am so looking forward to that
I've met so many girls in treatment over the years
Only very few have I stayed in contact with
But they are have a special place in my heart
In treatment bonds are made very quickly
I guess because having an ED in common means you have a million other things in common
We went through so much together in treatment
We laughed
Cried
Held each other
Walked endless laps of the grounds
Drank copious amounts of tea and coffee
Chain smoked in the dingy little smoking room
But we also competed with each other
To be the thinnest and the sickest
Not every girl is like this
But the majority are
It's not a personal thing
It's part of the disorder
And I think this is the reason that I never did well in treatment
In fact any time I was in treatment
I lost weight
And purged more
It's incredibly difficult to be around other eating disordered girls all day every day
Inevitably you feel like the fattest one there
And that is tough going
I just couldn't let myself gain weight
I couldn't let go of the perceived control that I had
Any time that I have re-gained weight
I have done it from home
I'm sure that treatment does work for some
I've seen it work
But those people had to be incredibly strong
And put their recovery first
The girls that I have seen do well are those that were part of the group
But also very much did their own thing
They didn't get caught up in the politics and drama of the group
And with a group of girls
There is always drama
I'm really looking forward to meeting Nicola
We even talked about doing something nice like a spa treatment
Something to treat ourselves
But of course the elephant in the room (Pardon the pun) is the fact that I am considerably bigger than the last time she saw me
Even though I know she will be nothing but happy for me that I am healthier
I still worry what she will think
I shouldn't worry really
But I wonder what she will think of me
It won't stop me going though
Just try and stop me
Saturday 19 July 2014
3 words
Someone asked me recently if I could describe myself in 3 words
I think those 3 words could change every day but today they would be
1. Stubborn
2. Hyper
3. Grateful
What are 3 words that describe you today?
I think those 3 words could change every day but today they would be
1. Stubborn
2. Hyper
3. Grateful
What are 3 words that describe you today?
Let's go to the movies.......
I love films
My whole family love films
We talk about them a lot
Watch a lot of films
So I was thinking what is my all time favourite film
I couldn't narrow it down to just one
So I will go with my top 5
In no particular order........
1. Whatever happened to Baby Jane?
Made in 1962
A psychological thriller starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford
This is quite a dark film about 2 sisters living together
Who used to be actresses
I first saw this film as a young teenager
And have loved it ever since
2. The Lost Boys
Made in 1987
Directed by Joel Shumacher
Starring Diane Wiest, Jason Patric, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim
Two brothers who move to a new town are convinced that it is frequented by vampires
Again I first saw this film as a young teenager
I guess you would call it a cult classic
I love films about vampires
And this is one of the best
3. Requiem for a dream
Made in 2000
Directed by Darren Aronofsky
Starring Jared Leto, Ellen Burnstyn and Jennifer Connolly
This is an incredibly dark and harrowing film about addiction and it effects the lives of those addicted and their families
Even though it is a brilliant film, I haven't been able to watch it in a long time as it is just too upsetting
4. Sideways
Made in 2004
Directed by Alexander Payne
Starring Paul Giamatti, Sandra Oh, Thomas Hayden Church and Virginia Madsen
'Two middle aged men, who have not much to show for life, embark on an adventure through California's wine country, just as one is about to walk down the aisle'
This film is hilarious
I've watched it so many time
5. One flew over the cuckoos nest
Made in 1975
Directed by Milos Forman
Starring Jack Nickolson and Louise Fletcher
Nicholson plays McMurphy who is admitted to a psychiatric hospital
A brash rebel, he rallies the other patients to take on the oppressive head nurse
I have seen this film so many times
And it gets better and better every time
Other films that I love are...
The Godfather
Dazed and Confused
The Shining
Gone with the wind
Trainspotting
Rachel getting married
I could go on and on........
I was wondering about you
What is your all time favourite film?
Or your top 5?
My whole family love films
We talk about them a lot
Watch a lot of films
So I was thinking what is my all time favourite film
I couldn't narrow it down to just one
So I will go with my top 5
In no particular order........
1. Whatever happened to Baby Jane?
Made in 1962
A psychological thriller starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford
This is quite a dark film about 2 sisters living together
Who used to be actresses
I first saw this film as a young teenager
And have loved it ever since
2. The Lost Boys
Made in 1987
Directed by Joel Shumacher
Starring Diane Wiest, Jason Patric, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim
Two brothers who move to a new town are convinced that it is frequented by vampires
Again I first saw this film as a young teenager
I guess you would call it a cult classic
I love films about vampires
And this is one of the best
3. Requiem for a dream
Made in 2000
Directed by Darren Aronofsky
Starring Jared Leto, Ellen Burnstyn and Jennifer Connolly
This is an incredibly dark and harrowing film about addiction and it effects the lives of those addicted and their families
Even though it is a brilliant film, I haven't been able to watch it in a long time as it is just too upsetting
4. Sideways
Made in 2004
Directed by Alexander Payne
Starring Paul Giamatti, Sandra Oh, Thomas Hayden Church and Virginia Madsen
'Two middle aged men, who have not much to show for life, embark on an adventure through California's wine country, just as one is about to walk down the aisle'
This film is hilarious
I've watched it so many time
5. One flew over the cuckoos nest
Made in 1975
Directed by Milos Forman
Starring Jack Nickolson and Louise Fletcher
Nicholson plays McMurphy who is admitted to a psychiatric hospital
A brash rebel, he rallies the other patients to take on the oppressive head nurse
I have seen this film so many times
And it gets better and better every time
Other films that I love are...
The Godfather
Dazed and Confused
The Shining
Gone with the wind
Trainspotting
Rachel getting married
I could go on and on........
I was wondering about you
What is your all time favourite film?
Or your top 5?
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