Insert head here -

You know that your head is up your ass
When you go for an hour long walk with your dogs
With your headphones in your ears
And you get back and realize you've been listening to nothing............

For you, yes you!

Ok
So you know that I have been tentatively dipping my toe in to recovery
(Kind of, sometimes, maybe, a little bit, sort of)
No I have
I really have been trying
You know that my mood has greatly improved
Praise the Lord!
You know that I have re-gained some weight
Like I would let you forget that little nugget of information
You know that my sister is home
And is a massive support to me
You know that my purging has dramatically decreased
That I am now living life a lot more
Rather than living a half life
You know my methadone is being reduced
With a view to being completely off it within a year
You know that my anxiety has lessened too
That I am in quite a good place
And my out look is positive
You know all this

But it wasn't that long ago that I was in a living hell
It wasn't that long ago that I felt like I was losing my mind as well as losing weight
I was in treatment this time last year
My outlook was bleak
My body was weak
M y resolve was non existent
I had very little hope
Zero faith
No belief that I could ever get better
I don't let myself forget that feeling
Because I know that I could be back there in a New York minute
I know that all the while I am trying to recover
My ED is doing press ups
Getting stronger and stronger
Waiting to snap  me back up
I know that it's there just waiting until I have a weak moment
I have a healthy amount of fear
It keeps me from becoming complacent
From taking this life for granted

I am not recovered
Hell I don't even know if I am in recovery
All I know is that things are a hell of a lot better than they were
I know I have a long way to go
But I've taken the first step

I know that there are so many of you out there that are in this hell right now
I know that many of you reading have all but given up
Feel battered and bruised by your ED
Stuck in deaths waiting room
I want you to know that this post is for you
For all the girls and guys that are suffering
Starving
Binging
Purging
Over exercising
Cutting
Self medicating
Self abusing
For those that are new to this illness
Or have been suffering for a life time
For those that are trying to recover
For those who don't want to recover
For those who have lost all hope
And faith
And belief
For those whose confidence is shattered
Whose self esteem has been stamped out
For those who are depressed
Lonely
Anxious
Afraid
In danger
For those thinking about going in to treatment for the first time
For those who are in treatment right now
And those who have just left for the umpteenth time
For those whose health is failing
Whose hair is falling out
Whose teeth are rotten
Whose skin is grey and papery
Whose body is weak and malnourished
Whose hair is lank
For those who are emaciated
Obese
And everything in between
This post is for you

For those of you who have never told a soul about your pain
Who wear a smile every day
And never let their hearts break in public
For those who look healthy on the outside
But whose soul is crushed on the inside
For those of you are just about holding it together
Who feel like they could snap at any moment
For those of you who are truly alone
And don't have any one to hug
Or hold
To talk to
To be told it's going to be alright
For those of you who have cheated death
And cursed because of it
For those of you who are thinking of disappearing
Because you can't find even one reason to stay around
This post is for you

For those of you who have been put down
Bullied
Abused
Ignored
Neglected
Forgotten about
For those of you who can't cry
Can't laugh
Can't feel
For those of you who are not sick enough to qualify for help
Or those who are too sick
For those of you who cried yourself to sleep last night
And hate to wake up in the morning
For those of you who have a passive death wish
Who welcome their demise
For those of you who can't stand to look at themselves in the mirror
Who hate their own bodies
And want to shrink until there is nothing but bone
This post is for you

This post is for you
If you believe that recovery is not possible
If you believe that you are not strong enough
If you believe that happiness or even contentment is not possible
If you have been beaten up by life
Screwed over by the people that you love
For those of you who are too trusting
Too kind
Too sensitive
For those who get up every day and face the world
Who hold down jobs
Run a house hold
Look after children
For those that put everyone before themselves
And never get around to taking care of themselves
This post is for you

Why?
Because you are brave beyond belief
Because you keep going
Because you deserve to be told that you are ok just the way you are
Because you are a strong woman/man
Because you are unique
Special
Because you matter
Because you are here for a reason
Because every day you don't give up, you grow even stronger
Because you are loved
Because you deserve to be loved
Because it's going to be alright
Because you deserve to be happy and healthy

This post is for you

As good as it gets?

I've been in a strange place the past couple of days
I can't really put words on how I feel
All I know is that on Thursday I was so hyper
So much so that my sister had to sit me down and try and get me to calm down
I just had so much nervous energy
And when I get nervous
I start to talk
And talk gibberish
We went to yoga Thursday morning
My sister and I were the only ones there
The instructor was talking to us
And I was anxious so of course I started babbling about how I live in a really scenic area
And I live in between two mountains
She must have thought that I was stone mad
And I probably am

I was supposed to meet a friend from treatment this week
I cancelled on her three, yes three times
I can't even tell you why I cancelled
It wasn't because I have gained weight
I know my friend sees beyond that
It wasn't because we were meeting for lunch and I didn't want to eat in front of her
It was because I didn't want to leave the comfortable bubble of my house
I wanted to stay at home and drift in and out of sleep
And not have to deal with real life

I have started giving my meds to my mother again
As I was misusing them again
My methadone has been reduced to 20mls now
Which is the lowest it's ever been
Although it would  be great to be off the methadone completely
I am so afraid
I shit you not
I am afraid I won't be able to cope without it
I am afraid that I will get cravings for drugs
I am afraid that I will relapse
I'm afraid that my body is so used to methadone
That it won't know how to cope without it
I guess I will have another year before I am off it completely
And I have my other meds to rely on
But that is exactly the problem
I rely on them way too much
Really I am as addicted to them
As I was to heroin
Only this is a legal addiction

My sleep is another problem
I'm not letting myself get enough sleep at night
I stay up late
And get up really early
I can't get through the day without at least one nap
It's not healthy
I need to address this issue

Sometimes I wonder how well I really am
I look healthy
I give the appearance of being healthy
Most people I know have assumed that I have recovered from my ED
But have I really?

I got a text last night from a girl I was in treatment with
She asked me how I am getting on
And I told her I was a lot better
She admitted that she is struggling
Namely with purging
Then it hit me that I am still purging too
Every single day
Sometimes multiple times a day
That must mean that I am struggling too
Right?

Things have improved
They definitely have
But they were so very bad
That things now,m even though still rocky, seem a whole lot better
But I forget that I am still entrenched in my ED to an certain extent
I worry I am not moving forward
That I am stuck in this place
Somewhere between my ED and recovery
Isn't the point of recovery that you keep growing and moving forward
Not stand still
Treading water

Is this as good as it gets for me?
Is this as well as I can realistically hope to get?
What is the next step for me?
I know that I have a lot of work to do around food and eating
I know that I have to at least try and get the purging under control
It's easier to ignore these problems
To hide behind my healthy body
And smile
And say 'Yes, thank you, I am doing great!'
Is this an illusion?
Is my recovery a farce?
Am I an anorectic mind in a healthy body?
Am I fooling myself and every one else?
I'm so very confused

I want to get well
At least I want to want to get well
I miss Mary
She always helped me make sense of things
And right now I really need to make sense of things
I'm losing the will to live over here

8am Walk

Usually I am the first one up in the morning
I am an early riser
So I usually get up between six and seven
I let the dogs out
Have a cup of tea
Lea likes to get in to the car first thing in the morning
I'm not sure why
But she likes to sit in there
She seems happy so I see no reason not to let her
Then at about 8 30am I get Honey
And we go wan wake people up
I go down to my Mum first
I open her door and let Honey in
Honey is not supposed to be allowed in bedrooms
But it's just so cute to see her jumping up on the beds
Then I go and wake my sister up
And Honey gets under the covers with her

But this morning was different
This morning I was woken up for a change
My sister and Honey came down to my room at 7am
And jumped on my bed
Nice way to wake up
With a dog licking your face

We then decided to go for an early morning walk
With Honey and Lea of course
So that's what we did

Here is some photographic evidence............

Cuddling with Honey

Bundoran beach

Decision made

As I wrote a few posts ago
A journalist contacted me as she was interested in my story
I spoke to her a few times
And she asked me a lot of questions
She is a freelance writer
So the way it worked is that she would pitch my story to different publications
And I would then decide which one to go with

Because I had told her about my dogs
And how much they mean to me
And have helped me in my recovery
She decided to use that angle
I was pleased with this
As it was something different
I heard back from the journalist yesterday
And two publications were interested in my story
The Sunday magazine with the People newspaper
And the pets page of the People newspaper
There was also a token payment from each

At first when this journalist contacted me
I was really excited
And really wanted to do it
But having thought about it
And talked to a lot of people
I have decided not to do the story
For a few reasons
The number one being that both publications want my real name and photos
And I'm just not comfortable with that
It's a different story if I was anonymous
I just don't want my name and face splashed all over the papers

I would love to tell my story
Whether that's in a book
Or getting this blog published
Or submitting to a newspaper or magazine
I feel that my story is relevant
Especially to women
I have over come a lot in my life
I guess my whole life is about over coming hurdles and obstacles
To get my story heard would mean that all of this has not been in vain
That it means something
That it could help someone
Otherwise what is the point of this life?

I was wondering about you
Can you think of any where to get my story heard?
Would you read my book/E book/blog of it was published?

Dance, dance, dance.......

I love to dance
I've always loved to dance
Ever since I begged my Mother to let me go to ballet classes when I was a little girl
I remember when I got my first pair of ballet shoes
I was in awe
They were the most beautiful things that I had ever seen
It didn't matter that they were second hand
It didn't matter that they were worn and a bit tattered
What matter was that now I was a real dancer
Complete with pale pink ballet slippers

I started ballet in grade 2
And continued up to grade 7
Achieving distinction in all my exams bar one
Dancing was my whole life
In a world that was full of chaos and uncertainty
It kept me sane
And grounded
It took me to another place
Away from sadness, pain and hurt

When I hit puberty and became a teenager
Dancing began to lose it's luster
Now all I was interested in was my friends, boys and my new past time of smoking
I was turning in too a bit of a rebel
And ballet just didn't fit in to that image
I remember my last ballet class
I was there under protest
The only reason I agreed to be there
Was that I was getting the results of my grade 6 exam
I had been out the night before
Drinking and smoking with friends
And hadn't had a wink of sleep
I was in a zombie like state
Not asleep
But not quite awake either
I got through the class
Feeling like I might pass out at any minute
There were 3 of us in the class
At the end of the hour our teacher gathered us to give us our results
'Two of you passed with a merit and one of you passed with distinction' she announced
I wasn't bothered one way or the other
So when she broke the news that I had got the distinction
I barely cracked a smile
I walked out of the ballet studio
With my certificate in my hands
I've never returned since

Even though I stopped studying dance
That doesn't mean that I have stopped dancing
I spent my late teens and early twenties throwing shapes in night clubs and at raves
And I've always had a sneaky dance in my bedroom with the radio up full blast
Then about 6 years ago
I set up a dance class for kids in my local area
Mainly hip-hop and street dance
I had no experience in that area
So I bought some DVDs and basically taught myself
I ran three classes a week
And thoroughly enjoyed it
The money was great too as I was working for myself
We put on shows
At Halloween and Christmas
I loved it
And I think the kids did too

I taught for a couple of years
Until things started to go pear shaped
I began to lose weight again
And over night
I lost my confidence
I just couldn't do it any more
The thought of standing up in front of a class of kids terrified me
So I stopped
And I haven't been back to teaching since

Since then I have done little bits of dancing
2 years ago I participated in a 1920's themed competition for charity
I've done Dance for Life
And Zumba
But mostly I dance on my own
Where I can really let go and just be my crazy self
I dance in various places
My kitchen
My bedroom
The shower
And my car
I love to dance in my car

You are probably wondering where this is heading
It is heading somewhere
I just thought that I would give you some back ground information first

It was yesterday
My sister and I had gone to yoga in the morning
Had lunch
And then gone for a walk with the dogs in the afternoon
Afterwards we stopped off at the supermarket
And I ran in to pick up something for dinner
When I got back in to the car
One of my favourite songs of the moment was playing
'Shake it off' by Taylor Swift
This is the part when I admit to really liking her
She is my guilty pleasure
Her songs are catchy
Her lyrics are clever
I love that she is a bit country
And I just generally think that she is super cute

So when I heard this song
I immediately started to dance in my sear
And singing along to the words at the top of my lungs
My sister passed no remarks
As she is used to my antics by this stage
I was really getting in to it
My arms were up over my head
My head was thrown back
My eyes were closed
Oh yes
I thought that I was shit hot
I was having a great ol' time for myself
When I opened my eyes at one point
I saw a guy walking by my car laughing his head off
'Nice moves' he said
As he walked to his car
Which was parked bumper to bumper with mine
I immediately stopped dancing
Mortified is an understatement
And I'm pretty sure that I turned puce red too
My sister was in knots laughing at this point
And it really was funny

They guy was getting in to his car
And put his cup of coffee on the roof as he opened the car door
I was trying not to meet his eye
But I could see that he was still laughing
He started his car
And was just about to pull off
When he remembered  his coffee on the roof
I started to laugh and pointed at his coffee
'Karma's a bitch' I said
He grabbed his coffee
Now it was his turn to be mortified
He jumped back in his van and drove off

I really enjoyed that little exchange
And the guy was not half bad looking either
We were going to follow his van
But being a stalker is not a good look
So we decided against it

So what is the moral of this story?
Well, the moral is to dance
No matter where you are
No matter what you are doing
Or who is watching
Dance, dance, dance!
You never know what it might lead to..........

The Experiment

I seem to be going through a rather strange phase at the moment
Things are a bit all over the place over here in ED land
One minute I am absolutely hating my body
Hating the lumps and bumps
And curves and shapes
The next minute I really like by new body
Me new bum
My chest
And this changes from one moment to the next
I can't seem to decide if I like my body or not

It's the same with recovery
One minute I am kicking anorexia's ass
And feeling so powerful and strong
The next minute my head is in the toilet bowl

And with life in general
Sometimes I feel so positive about the future
I feel like there is a fulfilling life for me
But then sometimes I feel like I have no future
That I've messed up so badly that there is no going back

I really do feel like an emotional yo-yo
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
There doesn't seem to be an in between with me
It's one or the other
Black or white
All or nothing

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am so impulsive
And so easily influenced
If I see a photo of a skinny girl
I immediately want to be like her
But then minutes later I might read something about recovery
And I'll be all fired up with positivity
There's no middle ground

I've had quite a lot of back lash from weighing yesterday
It's been hard to eat today
And I really pushed myself with exercise
So much so that I slept or 3 hours this afternoon
I was just so tired

As you know I started swimming again recently
For the first few times it was lovely
So relaxing
But then I started counting my lengths
And tried to beat that number every time I went
This is where it stops being enjoyable
And starts becoming a competition with myself

I know that I am on a slippery slope at the moment
I know that my ED is  waiting with open arms
I also know that it's ridiculous to assume that I will 100% motivated
Every minute of every day
I know that it comes and goes
Some days it's there
Somedays it's MIA
I need to make a decision
One way or the other
And stick to it

I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I told myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months
And if it didn't work out
I could always go back
My ED will always be there
But recovery might not
So I need to treat it like an experiment
Try recovery
See what the results are
Then make an informed decision

This limbo of being somewhere in between is doing my head in
I'm neither here nor there
I 'm in a wishy washy no man's land
Pulled in two different directions
It's time to pick a side
And get on with the rest of my life

So the experiment starts today
Recovery
I mean the real recovery starts here
Not the half assed
Can't make up my silly mind recovery that I have been practicing
It's time to get serious
To give it 100%
I will never get to where I want to go if I half ass it
It's time to go full pelt
To take it day by day
Meal by meal
This means no purging
No over exercising
No restricting
I need to get my s**t together
It's time
The experiment starts here