Untitled

I seem to be hell bent on ruining all the hard work I have put in
It seems that I want to sabotage myself and my recovery
In other words
I weighed myself this morning
I saw a number that I have never seen before
I don't know what to do
All sorts of crazy things ran through my head
Fasting
Plastic surgery
Liposuction
Overdosing
Because I just can't handle this
I really can't

Weekend Away

I'm heading away for the weekend with my mother and sister
So just to let you know that I won't get to post over the next couple
We are going to see my uncle who lives up north
I remember the last time I was there
I weighed considerably less
I remember standing on the scales in his sitting room
In the early morning before anyone got up
That was April
Here's what I looked like back then

The one thing that is very annoying about weight re-gain
Is that I have so many lovely clothes that don't fit me anymore
The leather jacket seen in these photos
I can't close it anymore
The leggings I can barely get in to
But yet, I keep them
I can't bear to get rid of them yet
Some would say that is very telling
That maybe I am hoping that I will fit in to them again some day
I can't lie
There is a very small part of me that hankers to be that size again
Being able to wear anything that I wanted
But the price I paid for that was too high
And I have to remember that

I am going to my uncle's house tomorrow a different person
The last time I saw my uncle
He had brought 400 cigarettes back from Turkey for me
I am now a non smoker (67 days smoke free today!)
I was a very ill person
I remember when I was last in my uncle's house
I obsessed with buying a certain brand of crisps
He must have thought that I was nuts
I couldn't walk buy a shop without nipping in to get crisps
I am a lot more stable now
My mood
My anxiety
It has all improved
I am more present
I can actually sit and have a conversation with somebody now
I have a voice
My confidence has soared
I feel capable and able
I feel I can deal with what life throws at me

So yes
Things have changed a lot
And for the better
I am grateful to have a chance to be happy again
To be well
Because there is nothing more important than our health
Including our mental health
All the rest will come and go
But if we don't have our health we have nothing

I know some people would argue that I am not in recovery at all
That I am a functioning bulimic
And maybe I am
Maybe I am kidding myself
I don't know
All I know is that I feel better
I look better
And you can't argue with that

Anyway
I am off to bring the dogs to the kennels
They will not be impressed
But it's only for a couple of days
Then I'm off for a swim
Before heading away for the weekend
See you on the next post........

Sisters as heart, partners in crime

Ok
This is no funny
I'm not laughing
And this needs to be addressed
Myself and my sister are turning in to an old married couple
Don't laugh!
It's true!

Ever since my sister came home about 4 months ago
I've pretty much spent all day every day with her
Now, I'm not complaining about that
Not at all
My sister is as cool and awesome as they come
But slowly but surely
We have  turned in to a bickering old couple

Let me give you an example
My sister wanted to go to yoga this morning
And I didn't (Because I am surfing the crimson wave y'all)
When I came back from walking the dogs
My sister was in the kitchen all ready to go to yoga
Whereas I was ready to sit down with a cup of tea and relax
The following exchange ensued

Me: I really don't feel like going to yoga this morning
Sister: What? Why not?
Me: You know that I'm not feeling well, I'll just give it a miss for today
Sister: Oh please go, I don't want to go on my own. Look at all the times that I have gone swimming with you, 
That's manipulation
I know
Oh so you know but you don't care
Ah go on go
I'm trying to save money to buy new clothes for my ever expanding body
Now that's manipulation, do you want me to pay for you? is that it?
No, if I wanted you to pay for me, I would ask you straight out
Well think of all the tines I have brought you in the car to buy your crisps and chocolate and ham
I know but......
Just go

In the end I went
Under protest
But I did go
I had to deliberately not meet my sisters gaze at yoga
As I knew I would start laughing if I did

We were talking recently how we need to go out more at night
Like to the movies and such
I was joking and said we should have 'Date night'
Again like an old married couple

It's funny
If any one saw the way we go on when there's no one around
They would have us committed in a second
I've written before about how I think that laughter is the best medicine
It's good for the soul
And since my sister has come home
I have laughed a lot
I'm sure that has something to do with my feeling a lot better

So my sister and I were messing
And saying how we need to go on a break
And see other people
Oh my God
I hope no one takes this seriously
I am totally just taking the pi** here
My sister and I are sane, well adjusted people
No really we are
I swear we are........

Surfing the crimson wave

I first got my period when I was 14
I was lucky that I didn't get PMT
Or cramps
Or any other adverse effects
It was an inconvenience as I was a swimmer
But apart from that it didn't bother me all that much
For the next few years
It came and went
But when I was about 22
It stopped completely
And didn't reappear until about 3 months ago
So for 10 years I had no period
I have even forgotten that I was supposed to have one

So yes
About 3 months ago my period re-emerged
It was quite a shock to get it again
In a way it was like getting it for the first time all over again
And it has taken some getting used to
So every month since then
My period has come bang on time
Around the 16th of the month

But now when I get my period
I get cranky and irritable in the week before it arrives
According to my sister
If I am in the middle of a rant about something
She will simply ask
'When are you due your period?'
That shuts me up

Then the day before I get my period
I get really really tired
Like exhausted to the point that I need 2 naps a day
As well as a full nights sleep
I got my period on Tuesday
And since then I have been wiped out
I feel lethargic
I have big purple bags under my eyes
And I just generally feel like I want to climb in to bed
And stay there forever

I was wondering if any of you experienced this when you got your period back
Do let me know




Ten out of ten if you can name this film
I remember I used to love this film when I was a teenager
And this quote is one of the best

We are family!

Last Christmas

I got my nephew a polaroid camera

Today we were messing around with it

Here's the result.......

Me and my sisters

Me, my sisters and my nephew

Saw this on a car today

Most embarrassing moment!

To give us all a break from the heaviness that is our eating disorders
I thought that I would write about something completely different today
A bit of light relief

I've had many, many embarrassing moments over the years
Falling
Tripping up
Saying silly things (I do this a lot)
But probably my most embarrassing moment came when I was teenager

I was 16
And had just acquired my first part time job
In a well known supermarket chain
My main job was to help customers pack their groceries
I remember I was paid 2.56 an hour (Irish pounds)
I needed the job though
To fund my hectic lifestyle
To buy smokes
And alcohol
And drugs
I remember going in to work without a wink of sleep
And managing to get through the day
Oh to be young and energetic again

This particular day
I was stationed at a little booth at the entrance to the store
I was promoting the Mother and Baby club
Which was something mothers could sign up to to get vouchers, money off baby products etc
It was a cushy number
As all I had to do was sit there and smile

This day I was severely hungover
I could barely keep my eyes open
A woman came up to the booth
Carrying a tiny baby
She asked me about the club
And I gave her the information
You had to fill in a form to join
And because she was carrying the baby
She asked me to fill it in for her
'Yes, of course' I said
So far so simple

I asked her name
'Mary Cox' she replied
I printed her name on the form
And because I was in such a delicate state
I really wasn't thinking
And I wrote Mary COCKS!
'Oh my God!' she exclaimed as she saw what I had written
'That's not my name!'
It was only then that I realized what I had done
'Gosh I am so sorry' I said
And quickly ripped up the form
And got a new one
I was mortified
I couldn't believe that I had just written 'Cocks' on the form
I wanted the ground to open up an swallow me whole

Thankfully the woman saw the funny side of the situation
And didn't report me for indecent behaviour
It really was an innocent mistake though
I just wrote it the way I heard it

So what is the moral of the story?
Well, for starters
Don't go in to work with a raging hangover
This will lessen the chances of you messing up
Offending someone
Embarrassing yourself
And possibly getting sacked
Fortunately I didn't get sacked
And it did make for a funny story

The moral is also to ask how to spell a word if you are not sure
I know this because I have a very difficult surname
And people generally never get it right
So I know better than to assume I know how to spell something

I was wondering about you
What is your most embarrassing moment?
I'd love to know...........

Because we're worth it......

If there is one thing that I've learned
Is that people do the things they do for a reason
And are they way they are for a reason
Because of nature
Or nurture
Environment
Circumstances
Whatever the reason
People are the way they are for a reason

I suffered with my ED for a long time before I was even aware of it
I wasn't trying to lose weight
I wasn't trying to restrict
But I couldn't stop myself using these behaviours
Even though it made no sense
Even though I knew I was headed for destruction
I couldn't stop

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19 years old
It changed everything
I became super aware of my weight
Because the number seemed important to the professionals
So it became important to me
I had been given the label of 'Anorectic'
And I felt that I had to live up to it

I remember the day that I left school
I had been waiting for that day for so long
I could hardly wait for the last day of my exams to come
I remember walking out the school gates that day
What an anti climax
I thought I would be overjoyed with the freedom I had
But instead I felt scared
What would I do now?
Where would I go?
How would I manage out in the big bad world
I thought that I would go travelling
And told everyone so
But 14 years later
I still haven't gone

A couple of years later
I applied to college
And started the course
But my addiction quickly got in the way
And I dropped out
I was a lost soul
Wandering aimlessly through life
I took jobs here that there
But couldn't commit to anything

My eating disorder became a career of sorts
It became my job
I worked hard all week restricting and exercising
And expected a big fat pay che at the end of the week
In the form of weight loss
I was dedicated to my ED
It came first
Before everything and everyone
But above all
It was something that I was good at
Some thing to excel at
It fed that desire in me to feel special
To be better than others at something
I didn't have a college degree
I didn't have a career
My ED was my everything

But of course
Being good at self destruction is not something to brag about
I almost killed myself
And broke my families heart
Now that I am coming out the other side of my ED
I am trying to find other things that I am good at
Something to feed that need to excel at something
The great thing is that everyone is good at something
And not just one thing
Usually a person has many talents
Over the last few months
I have found that writing is something that I truly love
And I feel quite confident writing
I also rediscovered my love of swimming
And yoga
And I am not half bad at them
I have found that I am actually a people person
I like to be around people
I like to laugh and have fun
And I am blessed to have some amazing people in my life

So yes
People are the way they are for a reason
I am the way I am because of my experiences
I am finally realizing that I am not a bad person
I never was
I was a very ill person
There is a huge difference
I am finally seeing that there is more to me than my weight
I am more than a clothes size
Or a number on a scale
I have never felt so stable
And that is quite miraculous
I am ever grateful for the people around me
Who have carried me over the last 15 years
Without them I would most definitely not be here
In one piece

As you know
Things are not perfect here in my little world
But I am doing my best
To stay well
To mind myself
To feed myself
To take care of myself
Because I am worth it
And you are too