New 'Do

My good friend Marie did my hair for me yesterday
I wanted a bit of a change
As I only ever tie my hair up in a top knot
So I told her to take a good bit off the length
She also coloured it for me
I was very happy with the result
(Someone commented once and asked me if I ever wear my hair down
At last, here it is
Down in all it's glory)
I don't know whether I prefer long or short hair
Both have pros and cons
But I am delighted with my new hair
I never go to the hairdresser
So it's great that my friend can do it
My sister says that I look like a politician
I am ignoring her
What do you think?

Outfit for Dublin

As you know
I am travelling to Dublin on Friday
To meet with some friends from treatment
I have to admit
I am both nervous and excited
But whatever happens
I will go
It's a time to celebrate
It' been a year since I was in treatment
And things have drastically improved for me
It will be so great to be able to share that with my friends

So this week
I had to figure out what to wear
It had to be something comfortable
Smart but casual
We will be doing some shopping so I need comfy shoes too
So here's what I have decided on........

Parka - Super dry, navy
Jeans - Blue - Roxy
Boots - Blowfish
Scarf - Dorothy perkins

Navy top with sparkly pocket - Superdry

Comfort Zone

I get a newsletter email every week from the Libero Network
Which is  a 'non profit organization and online magazine offering recovery support, fostering self acceptance and advocating mental health'
Each week they post articles from different writers who submit their work
A couple of years ago
I submitted Lather, Rinse, Repeat
And it was published
This week the theme seemed to be about comfort zones
That really hit a nerve with me

One of the writer was Arielle Lee Blair
Some of you may know her from her site which promotes recovery
She herself has recovered from an eating disorder
And now helps other do the same
Sadly she lost her husband to suicide recently

Arielle wrote an amazing article about leaving her own comfort zone
It was very relevant to anyone trying to recover from anything
Eating disorder
Depression
Anxiety disorder
Any mental health issue
But the article is also relevant to every one else
As comfort zones are something that we can all relate to

I know a thing or two about comfort zones
I would say that I spend 99% of my time in mine
Rarely venturing out of it
Arielle made a very good point

'If being comfortable is all that you know, you may think that you are happy'

This really hit a nerve with me
Arielle described a comfort zone like being in a private jet
You have everything you want
Luxurious seats with plenty of room
Cozy blankets
Sunlight gently shining in the window
Pillows
Cold beverages
Hot beverages
Anything you could ever want
Your favourite movies and tv shows on a screen
Friends
All your favourite hobbies to keep you occupied
Your happy
Your comfortable
You want for nothing

Arielle makes the point that if you strap a parachute to your back
And jump from the plane
If you take that chance
And take a risk
You experience new and wonderful things
New sights
Sounds
And smells that you would never have experienced if you have stayed in the comfortable plane
A whole new world would be opened up to you
We just have to take that leap of faith

My life is one big comfort zone
I live with my family
I have no major financial commitments
I have a lot of support
And friends
And amazing family
I have a roof over my head
And food in the fridge
I rarely do anything that makes me anxious
Or causes me stress

But the thing is
There are loads of things that I want to do
I want to date
To travel
Get a tattoo
Walk the Camino
Go to college
Work
Pursue my writing
Dance
So many things
But I don't do them
Because to do them would cause me some discomfort
And I don't want to feel that

Even in regards to my feelings
I keep myself in a state of being fall asleep at any given moment
I don't experience negative feelings
I don't let myself
I keep myself in a state of numbness
Comfortably numb

Safe is a word I would use to describe myself
I stay in the safety zone
Anything that feels vaguely uncomfortable
I avoid at  all costs

I was having a conversation with my sister yesterday
She was speaking about how she is going to spend New Years with her new friend in Cork
She will be going to a dinner party her friends friends is throwing
So there will be a lot of people that she doesn't know
This is my idea of hell
Having to talk to people I've never met before
Making conversation
I don't do well with that at all
I get very nervous when meeting new people
I am quite shy at heart
And again
I like to feel comfortable around people that I know

I guess fear is healthy
But not if it paralyses you
I know I need to take the next step if I am to keep growing and recovering
It's just hard
But then nothing ever worth having was easy

I love this quote below
Life is ahort
And I want to make the most of it
For the longest time
I wanted to disappear
Life seemed harder than death
I have no will to live
I didn't really care of I lived or died
But now I care
Now I want to live life
And live the best life that I can
With fun
Laughter
And adventure
I don't want to have regrets when I am older
I want to live
And that means taking risks
And moving outside of my comfort zone
I want to live
For the first time in a long time
I want to live

I was wondering about you
Do you venture outside your comfort zone much?
What scares you?

Clumsy

I don't know where this post is going
But I feel the need to write
So we'll just go with it...

Something I have noticed in recent weeks
Is how very clumsy I have become
I literally fall
And trip
And bang my way through the day
Thinking back
I'm not sure when this started
Maybe I have always been accident prone
But it seems to be getting worse the older I get

This year has been a catalogue of mini disasters
Back when I got my new teeth
I had many incidences where I lost them
Like the time a dog headbutted me and knocked one out
Then I lost one in the swimming pool
Three came out when I was away during the summer
And twice I swallowed a tooth
And had to promptly purge it back up
I have learned the hard way to be extra careful with my precious new teeth
I avoid toffee sweets
Crusty bread
And chewing gum
I chew my food carefully
Sometime checking the contents of my mouth with my tongue to make sure no tooth has fallen out
Disgusting I know
But it has to be done

The past few days have been especially full with calamities
I dropped one of my Mum's good bowls in the sink and smashed it
I opened a tin of sardines and the tomato sauce went everywhere
Including all over me
I knocked a cup of tea over in the living room and ruined my Mother's slippers
I knocked a jar of mustard out of the sink
And when cooking today
I flicked a piece of piping hot onion in to the corner of my eye
It burned in to my skin as I struggled to pick it out
And this is all in the last couple of days
Also I am forever tripping over the dogs
Especially Lea
But that's not entirely my fault as she is always under my feet

When I was smoking I really was a danger
I used to sit in the living room
In front of the fire
Smoking up the chimney
I was constantly dropping hot ash and cigarettes on to the mat
That mat had to be replaced more times than I care to remember
I also used to knock over cups of tea daily
Glasses of juice
And anything I happened to be eating that day
I am happy to report that we have had a mat for some months now without any incident
Well, not many anyway

My sister is always telling me that I need to be more mindful
And concentrate on what I am doing
You see
My problem is that my mind is constantly one step ahead of my body
And my body is always playing catch up
So inevitably accidents happen

I remember when I did the mindfulness course back in the spring
That was something that we learned about
Being present in the here and now
I have to admit
I am rarely
If ever
In the present moment
I'm either thinking about something that has happened
Or something that will happen
My mind is never still
It's something that I have to actively make myself do

I think back over the years
And I have had some spectacularly embarrassing moments with regards to my clumsiness
I remember when I asked to my first grad
I wore a pair of shoes that I could not walk in
I was walking down the stairs of the club
Slipped off my shoe
And came crashing down the stairs
I picked myself up
Only to fall again two seconds later
Not my finest hour

I have broken toilets
Fell on people
Fell over people
Fallen over my own feet so many times
Fallen off a trampoline
I have left doors open so Honey has gotten in to a bedroom and peed on the bed
I could go on and on

Something funny that happened the other day
Honey and Lea are not allowed in the living room
But sometimes when my Mum is away
We let them in for a minute
So Honey came in one day
And jumped up on the couch with my sister
I took a photo
And thought no more of it
Then on Friday my Mum was looking through my new iphone
And was looking at the photos
I completely forgot that the one of Honey on the couch was  there
My Mother saw it
She was not best pleased
And me and Honey were in the dog house

I was wondering
Am I the only one like this?
Can you relate to being clumsy?
If you can
I really think we should set up a support group
Ok I'm joking
But seriously
Can you relate?

I'll leave you with a photo of Honey spending a lazy Sunday on her favourite chair
Head on chair arm
And leg hanging down

You

I know that I shouldn't feed the trolls
But in this instance I can't help myself
This post is directed at anaschallenge
You have been leaving comment on my blog
Asking me to join a weight loss challenege
And I know you have been commenting on other blogs too
I've asked you already
And I will ask you again
Politely
Please stop commenting
You are upsetting me and my readers
We are too busy fighting this illness
And do not have the energy or the inclination to court it
I have some doubts that you are a real person
As your English is pigeon like
By all means
Go ahead and have your weight loss challenge
But don't expect me or any of my friends to take part
Again
Please stop commenting
You are upsetting people who are already upset enough

Random Facts

You all know me quite well by now
I don't censor my blog is any way
And make it a point to be nothing but honest
You all know that I am a recovering addict
And that I struggle with anorexia and bulimia
And even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it
There is a lot more to me than my conditions
So I thought I would share a few random facts with you
And hope that you will share some with me
Here goes......

I am the youngest of 4 children

I have 2 older sisters and an older brother

My first pet was a cat called Wanda

I grew up in a semi detached house in the midlands of Ireland

My bestfriends were two sisters that lived two doors up

My house was not a happy place growing up

And I wasn't close to any of my family

Even a a child I knew that I had an addictive personality

I studied ballet up until the age of 16

I also swam for my county and won a bronze medal in the all Ireland's

My favourite subject in school was English

I never went to college

I'm afraid that I am not very smart

I have one nephew who is 14

My first job after school was working in a camera and photo developing shop

When I was a teenager I loved going to raves/clubs

I first took ecstacy when I was 15

My first boyfriend's name was Michael

We were together for 8 months

I've always loved reading

And writing

I used to be a night owl, now I am more of a morning person

I get really annoyed with myself if I sleep in in the morning

Even though I do not surf, my style is kind of a surfer look

I love to clothes shop

I smoked for 20 years

I was a 30 a day smoker

I am clean and sober 5 years

I first became aware of my ED when I was 18

I was in denial for a long time

I am a tv addict

My favourite shows are Breaking Bad and Orange is the new black

I love music

All types of music

I love Bat for Lashes, Rudimental, Eminem, Lana Del Ray

When I was young I wanted to be a vet when I grew up

I'm a dreamer

Next spring I plan to walk part of the Camino with my sister

One of my dreams is to open and run a dog friendly Bed and Breakfast

I've been in treatment 8 times

But I've always done best when I got well from home

I'm not very good at managing money

And I'm really bad at saving

I'm convinced that I am fat

My favourite cuisine is Italian

My favourite food is probably beef stew

Talking in front of people terrifies me

I am quite shy and quiet at heart

But when you get to know me I am quite the chatter box

I don't use Facebook

And don't really see the attraction of it

I've been blogging for two and a half years

And I absolutely love it

My sister came home from Australia this summer

She was there for 12 years

I've been to Australia twice

I would love to go travelling

And I would love to live in the US for a time

I write much better than I speak

I recently got my first iphone

I'm thinking of getting my first tattoo

I might get a sunflower on my arm

My parents have been separated for 15 years

They get on much better now

I don't know if I want to get married

But maybe that will change if I meet the right person

If I lived in my own house I would have lots more animals

More dogs

And two donkeys, I love donkeys

I'm  not religious but would consider myself spiritual

I am afraid of myself sometimes

My favourite films are The Lost Boys, Sideways and The Godfather

My party trick is being able to do mirror writing, writing with both hands, one going left, the other going right

So there are a few random facts about me
What about you?
What are some random facts about you?

Treatment

Do you remember when I told you that I might be meeting some friends from treatment?
Well it's happening
Next Friday
I feel a mixture of terror and excitement
I really want to go
But it will be a  huge deal for me
We are meeting in Dublin
And Dublin is the place that I used to do a lot of my using
I rarely venture up there
And especially not on my own
I just wouldn't trust myself
Even after all this time
The smells and sights of Dublin have the power to trigger me so much that I know I would use if I was given half a chance
Luckily, I will be travelling with my friend
We will get the train in the morning
Meet the others for lunch
And of course a chat
Then we're going to hit the shops
And as you know that is right up my street

The only thing is that  the friend I am travelling with is staying the night there
So I will have to travel back on my own
I am a bit nervous about that
But I am confident that I will get home in one piece
Hopefully

When we were in treatment
I was the thinnest
Even though I didn't feel it at the time
I was always told that I was
Now I am probably going to be the biggest out of all the girls
This unsettles me a little
But I know my friends will feel nothing but happiness that I am getting well
I know that I would feel that way for them

I've been thinking a lot about treatment recently
Probably because this time last year I was there
It's all so recent
I can remember it like it was yesterday
Putting up the Christmas decorations
Dancing around with each other
Watching the X Factor
Eating endless meals
Lining up for meds
Post meal group
Walking laps of the grounds on our skinny little legs
Having conversations about feeling fat
Crying
Laughing
We really did go through a lot in there
We saw each other at our very worst
When we were weak and malnourished
Tired and afraid
Emotional
At the very end of our rope
You bond  quickly in treatment
Very quickly
And you never forget the girls that were in treatment with you
They are imprinted in to your brain for eternity

Looking back
I can now see that when I went in to treatment I really did want to get well
I wanted to recover
But I learned that treatment does not
And never has worked for me
The environment doesn't suit me
The fact I was surrounded my girls also struggling sent me straight in to the arms of my ED
I've always done much better getting well from home
On my terms
That's not to say treatment didn't help
It did
Everytime I was admitted I got something out of it
A little bit of strength
Of hope
Of belief
I always took something from my stay

Going to see my friends on Friday is a big deal for me
It's really stepping outside my comfort zone
Something I don't do very often
But I want to do this
I really do
I know it will be good for me