D Day

As I type this

I am sitting in the doctors waiting room

I don't need to tell you that I am beyond nervous

I just saw him walk by

And I swear

My heart jumped in to my mouth

I lay awake last night 

Trying to piece together what I was going to say to him

Tossed and turned as I ran through the conversation in my head over and over

Trying to find the right words to explain my situation

It's not easy 

No one likes to admit that they f**ked up

Especially not to their doctor of over ten years

I just keep telling myself 

It will all be over in minutes

Then I can accept whatever decision he makes 

Walk out 

And start getting busy trying to recover

I'm a big girl

I can do this 

Slips are all part and parcel of recovery

I know this

My doctor knows this

Sometimes it's one step forward 

Two steps back

At least for me anyway

Edit: just out of the doctors

And sitting in the chemist waiting for my meds

M doctor knew by looking at me that there was something wrong

'How are you doing?'

'Eerrrmmm ok...'

'That's a very tentative ok'

I sat down and took a deep breath

'I've been messing around

Not with heroin

But with my meds'

'Ok why are you doing that?'

'I don't know

I just get anxious and bored and feel the need to break out every so often

The thing is I have my interview for my course this week and I really want to get back on track

And I'm all over the place at the monent

I can't trust myself at all'

'Are you using anything else?'

'No' I answered honestly 

'Ok' he said 

' you know what this means?'

'I know' I replied

'Daily dispensing fot at least the next couple of weeks

And as well as that I'm going to increase your methadone to 34mls'

Then he seemed to change his mind and said he would increase it to 36 mls

I was actually blown away by this 

That's a 12 ml increase

Any time he had increased it

It's only been by 2-4 mls

So this is him being very lenient

And I very much appreciate that

He spent some time tapping away on his keyboard 

Asking me questions 

Then he wrote out my script 

Told me to try and stay on the straight and narrow

I thanked him and left

It was all over in a matter of minutes

I left feeling a bit bewildered

But glad 

I can never tell how it's going to go with my doctor

Sometimes he over reacts

And gets really frustrated with me

Other times he is calm and collected 

And just gets on with the task in hand

I know I'm hard work

And not an easy case 

I'm sure I'm not who he wants to see first thing on a Monday morning

Me with my baggage and endless troubles with addiction and food

It just never seems to end 

If it's not drugs

It's meds

If it's not meds 

It's bulimia or anorexia

I'm sure I am a doctors worst nightmare

And I am lucky to have the doctor I do 

He has put up with more than a little BS from yours truly

And he is never anything short of kind

My doctor has a conscience

He is ethical

And upstanding

Always doing things by the book

Even though he gets paid handsomely for my methadone treatment 

He has been trying tirelessly for years to get me off it

I've known doctors clock up as many methadone patients as the can

And keep them on file for as long as they can

All in the name of money

I've cursed my doctor over the years

Wishing he would be just a little bit crooked

And prescribe me what ever I want

But in reality 

I know I'm lucky to have such a good doctor 

Even though my meds have been taken in hand 

There is still the opportunity to abuse them

I could store my meds

But I feel positive that I won't 

I have my interview for my course on Thursday

So I really want to be lucid and compos mentis 

The increase in methadone will probably have an effect on me

And make me a little sleepy

So I really want to avoid that on Thursday

I said to my mum today 

'I don't know if you've noticed but I've been abusing my meds recently' 

'Yes of course I have noticed' she replied

'I avoid you when you are like that and there is no talking to you.

It's like talking to a drunk person'

I don't know why

But I was surprised to hear this

Most of the time I go along thinking they no one else notices

But of course they do

It's hard not to miss

Hopefully this is the start of my turning around the meds situation once and for all

My doctor said he is going to reduce 

My methadone over the next few weeks

But I'll believe that when I see it

So all in all

It was a good result

And I feel hopeful about the future 

It just goes to show 

When I do the right thing

And be honest 

Good things do happen

I'd also like to thank all of you for your support, well wishes, advice, comments and emails

You guys have saved my sanity more times than I can count

Your support means more than you will ever know

Thank you

For being there

For listening

Reading 

For your words of wisdom

Your honesty

Your candour

For telling me what I need to hear

And not what I want to hear

Good friends are hard to come by

And I am blessed to count you among mine  

Fathers Day

It's Fathers Day here today

And it's also my other sisters birthday

So we are all having a family meal here

Which I am cooking

Chicken chasseur

It was only after I bought all the ingredients 

That I remembered that I made this the last time we all met up

But how and ever

I'm sure no one will even notice

I get on well with my Dad

And see him regularly

As you know 

My parents split up when I was 19

The best decision they ever made if you ask me

Growing up in our house was tough

There was often a grim atmosphere 

And my father drank a lot

My parents were constantly fighting

And I actually hated my father

I can distinctly remember being afraid of him

And worrued that he was going to kill us all

That is no exaggeration

But in recent years 

Things have drastically improved 

My father hasn't touched alcohol in years

And the family gets on much better

The only thing is 

That my father denies that he did anything wrong while we were growing up

So we avoid that subject like the plague 

I get on good with my Dad now

He spent a lot of time with me when I was really unwell

So I guess we have that bond

My Dad absolutely loves Honey and Lea

And they adore him

So we also have that

Which is nice

Anyway

On to other subjects

Regarding weighing

I think I am going to go ahead and discard my scale

And try to go a full year without weighing

Maybe I'm bonkers 

Maybe this is a terrible idea

But I feel compelled to do something

To take control of the whole weighing situation

However 

I will talk to Mary next week

To see what she thinks 

Call me crazy

And maybe I don't need to be so 'all or nothing'

But that's the way my brain works 

Let me know what you think about it

Last but not least 

I will leave you with today's outfit

Shirt - River Island

Skinny jeans - River Island

A year scale free?

I've been thinking a lot about the whole weighing situation 

At the end of my last session with Mary 

We decided that neither she or I would weigh me for the next few weeks

She also asked me to keep a food diary

And I made a commitment to eat regularly

And preferably not purge

Mary assures me that my body will find its own natural set point if I feed it correctly

To be honest

I haven't quite kept to the agreement about not weighing

And did so once yesterday

No good can come of it though

It's a lose lose situation

Do what is an eating disordered girl to do?

I remember a while ago

I stumbled across a blog over in Wordpress

The writer was documenting her life without weighing for a year

I remember thinking it was an amazing idea

She wrote every single day

And was recovering from an eating disorder

I think her year is up by now

It was an incredible experience for this blogger

And it is something I am thinking about doing

Getting rid of my scales

And not weighing for a whole year

It's just a thought at the moment

I haven't made an concrete commitment yet

I wanted to share the idea with you guys

To see what you think

Because the thing is

Weighing myself

And being weighed by Mary

Is really holding me back

And keeping me stuck in a negative thought cycle 

I hate knowing the number

Yet I feel compelled to step on the scale on a daily basis

And emotionally torture myself

I think not knowing at all is the best policy

I will know from my clothes if I am gaining or losing weight

So that will be my guideline

I really want to go by how I feel inside

Rather than go by how I look

After my conversation with Mary

It really hit home that I am Nevet going to be happy if I hang everything on what I weigh

Or how I look

I can finally see that happiness and contentment is an inside job

No number on a scale 

No clothes size

Can fulfil me

And fill the hole in my soul

I am regularly reading over my list of ten goals for the future 

They are what really matter

They are the things that are going to build my confidence and self esteem

They are going to help me develop a thick skin

And a back bone

Because right now I am putting too much weight in what I look like

I mean yea it's nice to look nice

Have nice hair

Flattering clothes 

They can make me feel good

But only temporarily

I need to find something with more substance

And more meaning

I need a reason to get up in the morning

To bound out of bed

And face the day head on

Righting now I am just drifting along

I'm abusing my meds

Struggling to stay clean and sober 

And hating myself most of the time

There is more to life than being a certain size and a certain weight

In this year without a scale 

I hope to find other ways of liking and loving myself

I hope to find value in me as person 

Not as just a body

I hope to sppreciate myself just the way I am

And not judge myself by how I look

The lovely Sam left such a lovely comment on my last past

She asked me why I am focusing on the wrapping and the box

When there is such a lovely gift inside

These are such kind and thoughtful words 

And they are so true

Our body is just a vessel 

A vehicle 

To house what really matters on the inside

Our personality

Our hopes and dreams

Our minds 

Our brains 

They are the important things

With all that said 

I was wondering what you think about this idea

Living scale free for a year?

Yay or nay?

Inquiring minds want to know......

Memories

During my last session with Mary

She reminded me of a time when she asked me to show her a photo of a time when I felt happy and content 

I remember bringing in the photo to her

It was taken seven or eight years ago

I was in my early twenties

My weight was stable

And even though I had my struggles

I remember feeling pretty good back then

The photo was taken in my brothers house

And I am surrounded by my brother

My mother

My nephew 

And my sister

I like this photo as I think I look healthy

Like I don't have a care in the world

There's a spark in my eyes

And I look alive

There's another photo I have that I like

It's no exaggeration to say that these two photos are probably the only ones I like of myself

This one was taken in Avignon

In France

Again about seven years ago

We stayed in a beautiful apartment

And it was one of my favourite holidays ever

In the photo

I am sitting by the door 

Waiting for my family before we head out to dinner 

I'm reading 

And seem engrossed in the book 

I have a cup of tea beside me

And a cigarette in my hand 

I wasn't aware at the time that the photo was being taken

And that is probably a good thing

As I look more natural 

To be honest 

I was struggling a lot at this time 

Was underweight 

And purged my way around France 

But even though things were tough 

I still really enjoyed the holiday

And have precious memories of it

Both these photos bring back lovely memories

And prove that there were times in my past when I was happy

Things weren't perfect

But then when are they perfect?

These photos are so precious to me

In my house

I am the one that buys photo frames 

And displays the photos 

I just think that having an actual photo

is amazing

It's great to have them on the computer

Or memory stick

But holding an actual photo is one of life's little pleasures 

For me anyway

So

On to the photos......

Tough session

I saw Mary yesterday

I wasn't expecting it

But it was a really tough session

With all the elements for a good drama

Anger 

Tears

Tragedy 

Comedy 

I feel like I ran the gamut of emotions

All in the space of the hour

First things first 

Mary wanted to weigh me

I had no objection to this 

As I had weighed that morning

And knew what my weight was

I didn't look at the number as I stood on the scale

For some reason 

Seeing the number is harder that hearing it

I put my shoes back on

She asked me what I thought my weight was

I gave her a number

Then she told me 

And flippin' Norah

It was two kilos heavier than my scale at home

Cue complete meltdown 

I just wanted to run out of the room 

At first I felt anger

Anger at myself for being so effected by the number

Anger at Mary's scales 

And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales 

She continued to speak to me

Asking me why I put so much weight on what I weigh

I barely heard of what she was saying

Couldn't even look her in the eye

I remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last week

And that could be muscle, faeces or fluid

I know that 

But it doesn't make it any easier

Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with her

About the benefits of having an ED

And the negatives

By now 

I had my head in my hands

And tears were stinging my eyes

I couldn't write the list

It was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out

Earlier on in the session

I had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sister

How I'm always interested in her weight

And sometimes ask her to try on my clothes 

So I can see the difference in what we weight

This is very eating disordered I know

And I need to stop doing it

Mary challenged me on this 

And I was starting to feel attacked

Although looking back 

I wasn't attacked

She was asking difficult questions 

Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recover

I said to Mary 

'I think I should go'

But she continued to speak to me

Now trying to make me see sense 

I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed 

When knowing the number had such a negative impact 

She said that it's important to know my set point

And to have at least an idea what I weigh

I don't agree 

But I see her point 

I was now starting to feel a little better

The initial shock of hearing the number was wearing off

Mary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years time

I listed ten things 

From being clean and sober 

To having my own place 

From recovering from my ED

To being in a relationship

Mary then asked me to number them in order of importance

Which I did

'Ruby

If you want to get well

And not care about weight or shape

These are the things you should concentrate on

Don't compare yourself to others

Don't body check

Don't weigh obsessively 

These are the things that matter to you really 

And if you do achieve them

Then you will be happy'

I've heard it a million and one times

That happiness works from the inside out

Not the outside in

But for some reason

Hearing Mary say those words 

It suddenly clicked with me

I'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight 

Because it's losing game

A game I can never win

Because my ED is never satisfied

Never

It's the same with my buying clothes all the time

I buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothing

And I am

For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul

But after the novelty has worn off

I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers

It's like a drug

Once you get and use the drug

You feel massive relief

But it doesn't last 

And so its on to the next fix

Hearing Mary say these words today

Looking at that list 

And feeling so raw and emotional

I suddenly had the revelation that no

I will never get well

Or be happy 

If I continue the way I am going 

With my food

With my meds 

With my constant need to shop for clothes

They are all just symptoms of a greater problem

And that problem is that I don't like me

That I am not worthy unless I am skinny

That I can only deal with life when I pop a pill

That me Ruby

A 33 year old woman

Can not handle life on life's terms

I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places

Looking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the pain

But in reality they only postpone it

And it comes back two fold 

Again and again

We were coming to the end of our session

Mary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've had

She is not wrong

This is all stuff I don't want to look at

Never mind deal with it 

But I must if I am going to get well

Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelation

I finally saw for the first time

That happiness does not come in a pill

It's not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

Happiness comes from the inside

Finding self worth

Self confidence

And self esteem

In knowing that I am ok just the way I am

That I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfection

I have come through drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia 

I'm lucky to have even made it this far

What I look like is irrelevant

I'm just glad to be still standing 

I don't know why this has never registered with me before

That in order to live a happy life

I need to do the things I love

Surround myself with people I love 

And reach for the goals I've set myself

I guess I am a slow learner

As this is only beginning to dawn on me

Better late than never I guess

Even though it was a really tough session

It ended well

She asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next week

And I thanked her for putting up with me

This is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their lives

A lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdown

And was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutes

In short 

Mary was well able for me

And she does it all in a kind way

I left the session feeling a little better

A bit clearer about what I need to do

So I marched out in to the big bad world 

My list of goals in one hand 

My car key in the other

Ready to do battle with this bitch

Once and for all.....

The meds situation

As you know

I've been struggling to take my meds properly

I misuse them about 5 days out of 7

And it's getting to the point where I think I want to do something about it 

Because I need to get my stuff together 

If I want to start my course in September

But not just that 

If I want to be truly clean and sober

And if I want to lead any semblance of a normal life

So it's decided 

I'm going to tell my doctor on Monday

I'm going to bite the bullet

And come clean

I can't go on like this

Spending my days face down

Cross legged

My head balancing on the top of my tea cup

Spilling endless drinks

Worrying my sister and mother

Going to meetings while drowsy

And that feels so wrong to me

Going to meetings 

While under the influence

It doesn't sit right with me

As with a lot of decisions I make

I think it's time for a good old fashioned pros and cons list

To sort out what I'm getting out of this behaviours 

And the negatives that effect my life

Of course the pros of this behaviour 

Are that I can check out of reality

And literally get out of my own head

This baffles me some

As my reality is not that bad

But it's been a pattern of mine over the years

Whether it's alcohol

Drugs

Food 

Shopping

Escaping life has always been part of my life

I guess I have it easy right now

I live in my family home

I don't have huge rent or a mortgage to pay

And money I get is mine to spend as I see fit

After I contribute to weekly shopping and bills

And also 

My meds cost very little each month

So I don't have to worry about that either

Prescription drugs are tricky

Because it's not like I'm taking an illicit drug

These meds are prescribed for me

And I am meant to take them

I'm not doing anything wrong when I take them

They are for legitimate medical conditions

But the thing is

My meds have not been reviewed in years

I was speaking to someone at a meeting one day

About anxiety

It turned out that we were both on the same anti anxiety meds

Except for the fact that I was on over double that he was on per day

And this was a big six foot guy

Surely that can't be right

Over the years 

My meds have accumulated

Especially during hospital stays

When meds tend to be tinkered with on almost a weekly basis

Trying to find that magical combination of drugs that heal us from the inside out

And of course 

So now that I am getting well from home

I probably don't need to be on as much medication

And I don't speak up about that

Because it suits me to have a lot of medication

Because I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

I'm not looking forward to telling my doctor about the situation

I don't want to let him down  

And I know I've manipulated him over the years 

It's not fair

And it's not right

Part of me is hoping he will increase my methadone

But that's the addict in me again

Rearing its ugly head

I really appreciate all your support during this

Apologies for not replying to comments the last couple of days 

Normal service resumes today

The aftermath

It's been a couple of days since my sister and I had out last argument 

What started off as a petty squabble on Sunday night 

Soon escalated in to an out and out row

The second in a week

My mother was here on Sunday

And tried to get us to work it out 

But we were both too hurt and upset to make it up

The next morning 

I was in the living room

My sister came in and wanted to call a truce

We shook hands 

And murmured that we were sorry

I wanted the fighting to stop

If only for my poor mothers sake

It's not fair on her to have to listen to us

As she said herself

We were acting like children

Since then things have been very cool

And there is an icy atmosphere in the house

We are staying out of each other's way

Not easy

But we are trying 

I wrote in yesterday's post about wanting to move out

I wrote that post when I was still very upset

Now that I have calmed down a bit 

I know it would be silly to make a rash decision

Or make a decision out of anger

And you 

My wonderful readers 

Were  on hand with some great advice

Sonetimes it seems that you know me better than I know myself 

I consider myself more than fortunate to have a little army of people 

All with their own words of wisdom to pass on

So thank you for that

Of course

I still want to move out

And I crave independence so very much

But as one of my live readers pointed out

It's best not to make any major decisions in the first year of recovery 

I think this is sound advice

As the first year of recovery is hard enough

Without making any life changing decisions 

The first year of recovery is all about firsts 

First year clean and sober

First birthday

First Christmas

First holiday 

There is so much to contend with

Without having to make any major decisions

So

I will still look in to my options

And see what's what

At least then I can make an informed decision 

My mum and I were talking about my sister yesterday

And we both agreed that she is not herself

She is coming off her meds at the moment

And seems to be struggling with side effects

She is volatile 

And emotional 

And we are wondering whether she should be coming off them at all

But that's her decision 

And she seems determined to do it

When I was very unwell

Moving out was out of the question

I just wouldn't have managed by myself 

And also I had no urge to move out

I was too busy in self destruct mode

To care about anything else

I guess it's a good thing that I feel the need to spread my wings 

I just crave my own little place so badly 

But the way things are at the moment

It might not be the best idea 

 

I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling to take my meds properly 

You know 

My family know 

The only people who don't know are the ones who really should know

The professionals 

I know I should get this situation under control

Or else it could escalate if I was on my own

I just can't trust myself at the moment 

I don't have the resistance to say no to drugs

And if I moved out

Away from the support of my family

Things could get worse rather than better

I know that I need to get this meds situation under control

Especially as I am due to start a course in September

And I really do want to be as well as I can be by then

Every night before I go to sleep 

I make a vow that I will do better tomorrow

That I'll get to a meeting

And start taking my meds correctly

Then morning comes around

And I misuse them again

Promising that this will be the last time

But it never is

I am the very definition of insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again

And expecting different results

I misuse my  meds 4-5 days out of 7

I skip my methadone some days

So I can take a double dose the following day

I also misuse my tablets

And the mixture has almost an opiate like effect

I know if I want to recover

And truly get well

That I can't continue in this way 

The thing is 

I have it easy

I get to use

Without any of the negative consequences 

I have a nice place to live

A roof over my head 

Clothes on my back

And food in my fridge

My drugs are free

They are prescribed 

So I am not doing anything illegal 

I don't have to steal 

Or beak the law to get my fix

I don't have to associate with other addicts

This is the tricky thing about meds 

They are prescribed

And completely legal

But in abusing them

In my mind

That is as good as using

Same shit

Different substance 

So you see

There isn't the urgency

Or the impotuse to stop the behaviour 

I think if I were to move out now

My addiction issues could well get worse

As there would be no one else there 

A huge part of my sobriety is staying clean for  my family

I know

I should do it for myself 

But if that was the only way

I'd never get clean

Integrity is doing the right thing

Even when no one is watching

I don't know if I have much integrity right now

So I will stay put

For now

It's not the right time to move out

And I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons 

So I guess I will make the best of the situation

It's horrible to be on such bad terms 

But 

It is what it is

I know I need to give my sister a break 

As she is dealing with a lot 

But I also have to protect myself and my recovery 

They say you can't pick your family 

And that is true 

Usually I get on great with my sister

Which makes me think that a lot of this has to do with her coming off her meds

So I will wait

I'm still in the very early stages of recovery 

I'm just finding my feet really

And learning to live life on life's terms 

It's not easy 

Reality is boring 

And tedious

And monotonous 

And I tend to escape any chance that I get

But I have to learn to deal 

Or else I will be running away from myself forever 

I don't want that 

I want to be able to live a good life

To be happy to be in my body and mind 

Again

Thank you so much for all your continued support

It means more than you will ever know

I feel blessed and lucky to be part of this community 

I just hope that I can give back to you even a little bit of the kindness that you have showed me