Attacking the problem

Monday again

It's hard to believe that it's November already

Where does the time go?

Monday is doctor day for me 

My own doctor has been away the last few weeks so it was nice to see him this morning 

Before he spoke to me 

He said he had to ring home for a second 

This is what I heard 

'Hello love

Yea it's me

Listen I brought your phone by mistake to work this morning

Yea remember this morning in the bedroom

When I was putting on my trousers I put the wrong phone in my pocket

Can you come and collect it please?

Great

Thank love

Bye bye bye bye....'

I had to fight back the laughter while he was speaking

As it was so funny to hear him out of doctor mode

Some times I forget thdt he has a whole life outside of being a doctor

After that 

We had a quick chat

He filled out my prescription

And I went on to my next appointment

I saw Breda this morning then

I haven't seen her since before I went to Turkey

So I was long overdue a chat with her  

There was a lot to cover 

I told her about Turkey 

About my driving test

At first 

I was totally avoiding talking about my meds 

But I promised myself I would 

So I tentatively brought up the subject 

I always find this kind of thing really difficult to bring up to the professionals

I don't want to disappoint them 

I don't want to worry them 

And it's just really hard admitting that I messed up yet again

However 

I told her

She said thdt I was becoming complacent 

And on dodgy ground

She also mentioned that I have too much time on my hands 

Which is very true

I  bored 

The days and nights are long

I need something to stimulate my mind 

Because at the moment 

I am wishing my life away

Breda encouraged me to contact the women's centre in the next village 

To do some short courses

I've done courses there in the past

They do things like mindfulness and personal developement 

Which are interesting to me

So I will get on to that 

The other topic she broached

Was that of meetings 

As you know 

Up until a few months ago 

I was going to meetings regularly 

But I've let that slide 

And now haven't been to one in quite a while 

Breda made a good point though 

She said thdt I don't have to go every day

Once or twice a week is fine 

And I can go to ones that I feel comfortable at

So that's my goal this week

To get my addict ass to a meeting

I have to go

I will go

I give you my word

i am still giving my meds to my mother

And that is working pretty well

It's not an ideal situation 

But it's a must for now

Given everything that has happened over the last few weeks 

I am now being a bit more cautious about what I write about here in my blog

Don't get me wrong 

I will still be as honest as ever

And continue to fight this battle against addiction and mental illness

I don't know how to be any other way

But I am being careful not to write anything that might leave myself too exposed or vulnerable

Or any one else either

Again

Just because it has happened 

Doesn't mean thdt I have to blog about it

But because I am not writing so openly anymore

I am finding it harder and harder to find things to write about

I still want to write every day

But I won't put pressure on myself

Or beat myself up if I can't think of anything to write 

I write at the same time every time

I get up of a morning 

Have a cuppa 

Walk the dogs 

And while I'm walking them

I think about what topic I wil write about thdt day

Then I come home 

And settle in my living room with another cuppa and my phone and write 

It gives my day structure 

And it's something thdt I do at the same time every day 

Almost like a job 

I have to admit 

That over the last few weeks

I have thought about stopping writing and deleting my blog 

All of a sudden 

I felt really paranoid 

Open 

Exposed 

Vulnerable 

Because as we all know 

Once you put something on the Internet 

It is nigh on impossible to take it back 

There have been times when I have read backo vet my blog

And deleted certain posts

As I felt I had left myself in a dangerous position 

Too open 

And I don't know

In the future I might regret being so brutally honest here on my blog

As it's very possible thdt it could come back to haunt me

When I started writing my blog back in 2012

I wrote anonymously 

And didn't post any photos 

I think there are negatives and positives to being anonymous

But as time went on I decided to be more open 

I began posting photos 

Of myself 

My dogs 

And my family 

And I know that my blog is easily found on the Internet 

So there is really no hiding 

I do keep my name to myself 

But it's not a million miles away from the name Ruby 

Blogger is the only social media that I use 

I don't use Facebook

Twitter 

Or Instagram

I document my life here 

I love writing 

Love my blog 

And I love all of you 

Blogging at the moment is a hobby for me

But I would love if it was something more 

I would love to make my of in to a book 

Or to write for other publications 

I am passionate about helping others with addiction issues and eating disorders 

For a long time 

My writing was focused on my illness 

And trying to stay sane

And stay alive

Now my blog is about trying to stay clean  and sober

Trying to stay free from disordered eating

And helping others 

I hope that people read my blog

And get a little piece of hope

That if I can come through this 

Then you can too

And no

I am not perfect 

I make mistakes on a daily basis 

As you know 

I have done a lot of incredibly stupid things over the years 

Things thdt continue to haunt me

I have more than enough reason to believe that I am a bad person

So much evidence to support that suggestion 

But what I am trying to do 

Is learn from my mistakes 

And not to repeat them again

Recovery is not easy

And again 

I am not doing it perfectly 

Not by a long shot 

But as they say in the rooms

It's not about perfection

It's about progress

I just have to keep fighting 

And putting the effort in 

And I will be ok 

More than ok

I will be alive

And will want to be alive 

For the longest time

I genuinely didn't care if I lived or died 

Life meant nothing to me

And I wasn't afraid of dying 

Life scared me more

I often describe it as having a passive death wish

I wasn't actively seeking out my own death

But I welcomed it with open arms 

I just couldn't stand myself 

Couldn't stand being in my own head

I hated myself 

Hated the way I looked 

My personality

Hated the way I lived my life 

My behaviour 

My weight

I hated everything about myself 

It's only now 

A year in to my recovery 

That I am beginning to like myself 

I'm not quite loving myself yet 

But I am getting there

Baby steps all the way

I'm not perfect 

I never will be 

But I am doing my best 

To be a good person

A good daughter 

Sister 

Auntie 

Doggy mama

I am loved by my nearest and dearest 

And at the age of 34 

I am just beginning to figure out who I am 

And what I do about 

It's scary 

It's weird 

It's fun

It's terrifying 

Thrilling 

Exciting 

Boring

Monotonous 

It's hard 

But it is so worth it 

I promise you that 

Tattoos/Piercings

As you know

I got my nose pierced a couple of months ago

As well as that 

My ears are pierced five times

And in the past I've had my eye brow and belly button pierced 

I feel like I've been bitten by the piercing bug

As I now want to get something else pierced 

I would really love to get my labret done

 

But the last piercer I spoke to said that it wouldn't work on me
And would interfere with my lower gums

I would like to get my belly button pierced again

But I'd so like to get a facial piercing 

So maybe my septum

 

Or between my nose and my upper lip

 

I haven't quite decided yet

Also

I would like to get my first tattoo

I've toyed with the idea for a long time

But couldn't decide on an image

I really like wings on shoulder blades

Not a huge pair 

But quite sizeable
 

Or else I would like to get a feather on my ribs
To remind me to be kind and gentle to myself
 

To remind me to be kind
 

Anyway
Something to think about
And to get excited about
Any thoughts welcome......

Peter Pan Syndrome

I was on the phone to the dog shelter last week

We were in the middle of a conversation

When the lady asked my what age I was

I told her

She began to laugh and said that I sounded like a teenager

I get this a lot 

Told that I sound a lot younger

And even look a lot younger

I know when I was very underweight 

I looked quite strange

I had this childlike body

With the face of a withered old woman 

But as I have become well

And regained weight 

My face has filled out 

As well as the rest of me

And I guess I do look a bit younger than my 34 years

I remember when I was a teenager 

I was in such a hurry to grow up

I did everything young 

My first disco

My first cigarette

My first drink 

My first boyfriend 

All before I was 15

Now that I am an adult

I wish that I had allowed myself to grow up slower

That I had taken the time to enjoy my childhood and teenage years

I look at my nephew

He has just turned 15 

And this week went to his first disco

To me he seems so innocent

I can not imagine him smoking or drinking 

And he seems to have no interest in these things 

Which I am so glad about

Because there is a chance

Like the four members of my own family

That he might inherit that addiction gene

So far he shows no sign of it 

But I know that can all change in a heartbeat

I guess my life thus far has been rocky

I began smoking and drinking at 14

Had my first proper boyfriend at 14

Began taking drugs at 15

And the next 15 years were a Wright off

My twenties

The years when you discover who you are and what you are about 

Didn't happen that way for me

So I guess now in my thirties 

I am living my twenties 

If that makes sense 

Mentally 

I am 24 years old 

Barely an adult 

I guess I dress young too 

In my jeans and trainers and hoodies

But I'm ok with that 

I am still growing up

Finding out who I am 

My views and opinions

My dress sense 

My way of coping 

Of dealing with life

They say that youth is wasted on the young

I agree 

I didn't appreciate my youth 

My childhood 

My teenage years 

I was so busy trying to be an adult 

So busy wanting to grow up

I got my first full time job when I left school

I was doing well

But it wasn't long before my drug use began to spin out of control

The next 14 years were chaotic to say the least 

There were a few years during that time

That I don't know how my family got through

My mum and I were speaking about this just yesterday 

There was a time when four out of six of us were in active addiction

It was crazy 

So many shocking things happened 

Addiction rips families apart

As it did mine 

It's only years later 

And with the four of us in recovery

That our lives have begun to heal

They also say that the age you are when you start using/drinking/starving/purging is the age you stay until you stop

I was 14 when my problems started 

And that makes sense to me 

That I am still a teenager

A young adult 

Mentally

And physically 

I think our eating disorders 

Are also something thdt keeps us from growing up

There is something very child like about EDs

Anorexia is sometimes a protest to growing up

Bulimia is the inability to control ones self

Again 

Like a child 

I know I have resisted growing up once I reached adulthood 

Being an adult

And everything that goes with it

Scared the bejesus out of me

I worried and stressed that I wouldn't be able to cope

Wouldn't be able for the responsibility 

It just all seemed like too much 

I struggled to deal with reality 

Struggled with substances that allowed me to escape from that reality

I struggling with impulse control

Which has bothered me a lot over the years

Like a child 

There is no no for me

I see something and I want it right now 

There is no control

None at all

Its only now

At the age of 34

That I am getting my life together 

That I am starting to grow up

I know I have a lot of work to do

I have taken the first step 

But there are still many miles to go 

And maybe it's actually a nice thing that I don't look my age 

Maybe it will stand to me in years to come 

I've seen over the last couple of weeks

The areas I need to work on

I want to be a responsible adult 

I want to act my age 

Sometimes it bothers me 

That at my age I am still living with a parent 

But then I remember that I am not living with my parents

I am sharing a house with my mum and sister 

I have the freedom to do as I please

And I get on with my mum very well

It would be crazy for me to try and maintain a house by myself 

It makes more sense for me to live here

And I like living here 

I feel safe 

I feel loved

Honey and Lea love it here

They are happy here 

Our house is home 

It's where we all meet for tea

For dinner

To play games 

To celebrate holidays and birthdays 

It's the centre of our family 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you resisted growing up like me?

Do you think that your ED has anything to do with not wanting to grow up?

What age do you feel?

And what age are you?

Do you like being the age you are?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Ruby Returns....

I'm back 

After a few days of a blogging break

It felt like years rather than days

I missed blogging 

I missed writing

I missed you

My little blogger family 

My dear friends

I missed the constant to and fro of comments and replies and emails 

I missed feeling part of something

Something bigger than me 

I missed reading your updates

Commenting 

I missed it all

But as I said before I left 

I had acknowledged that my real life needed some work

A lot of work if truth be told

This week has been tough 

I've had to take a good hard look at myself 

My life 

What I do of a day 

How I manage myself

My ups and downs 

My emotions

My relationships 

My addiction

My eating disorder

My medications 

Yes 

It was plain to me 

That my real life needed some attention

There have been a lot of lessons learned in the last few weeks 

Especially around blogging

I learned that just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I need to blog about it

As a rule 

I've always elected not to write about others 

My family 

My friends 

My blogger friends 

But lately I've been bending that rule 

And that is not ok with me

I guess sometimes I feel pressure sometimes to produce the goods where my blog and my writing are concerned 

As you know 

I write everyday

And some days it's incredibly difficult to think of something to write about

So lately I've writing about things that maybe aren't suitable for my blog

Things that should be kept to myself 

Putting pressure on myself to keep interesting and readable

I have broken some key rules that I would usually live my life by

I have written about things that I usually wouldn't have 

The other issue 

Is how open and honest I am on my blog

It's a double edged sword really 

Being that honest I know can help others

And encourage them to be honest too

And I want to continue to be honest 

I really do

But I think I've been putting myself in a vulnerable place lately 

Again

For something to write about 

And almost for the shock factor too

My blog started to become like a fictional story 

A made up character 

Rather than my life

I would read over my blog

And it was like reading about someone else 

Like it wasn't me 

That's not good 

And I love to turn incidents in my life in to stories 

Even the smallest thing can be made in to a good story 

But I have to remember that this is my life  that I am writing and reading about 

It's a real person

Not a character in a story 

Then there is the whole meds situation

I have given responsibility of my meds to my mother 

She is holding on to them 

And I go to her each morning to take them

I know she doesn't really hide them 

I could find them if I wanted to

And she doesn't stand over me as I take them 

So I could stockpile them and continue to mess around them

I can't lie 

Everyday hasn't been perfect 

But I am doing my best 

And a hell of a lot better than I was doing 

So I guess I'm moving in the right direction

I'm seeing Breda on Monday 

So I am going to make it my business to speak to her about my meds

Again 

I am reluctant to talk to my doctor 

But 

I will play that one by ear

I met a good friend yesterday 

A girl I was in treatment with

And have kept in touch with since

We meet up every few weeks 

And it's always so lovely to chat to her

She is a few years older than me 

So she always has some sage words of advice for me

I told her that over the last while

I have been having an existential-type crisis 

You know the one 

Where you ask yourself 

Who am I?

What am I doing ?

Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Am I just a waste of space?

A burden to my family and society?

I've been asking these question a lot lately 

As a feel I am just treading water 

And barely keeping my head above the water line 

My friend said some really wise things 

That I am doing my best 

That I am enough 

Just the way I am 

That I will find my way

I am finding my way 

I have been through a lot

And am barely a year in to my recovery 

I just need to keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting 

Another thing I have learned 

Is that I am not perfect

And never will be

No one is 

I've made some pretty horrible mistakes in my life 

And when I am feeling low 

I take them out of the file in the back of my head 

And berate myself with them 

I've been doing that a lot lately 

I've made myself sick to my stomach with all the awful mistakes I have made in my life

If I think about it too much

I really will go insane 

One thing that has been helping me 

Is saying the the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I can not change 

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

There is something so soothing and comforting about saying those words

Over and over

Like a mantra 

A chant 

There is also something comforting knowing that I can't change the past 

I can't change things I've done

I've said 

The people I've hurt 

The utterly stupid mistakes that I have made 

All I can do is learn the lesson

And move on 

So yes

Hopefully this is the start of me moving in a new healthier direction

I can't lie 

I still have huge urges to escape reality

The thought of living day in day out is

Terrifying 

But 

As my friend said to me yesterday 

Delay 

Delay the thoughts 

Delay the behaviour 

Delay

Also 

All I have to deal with is this 24 hours 

And tomorrow I will deal with when it comes 

I don't know guys 

I guess this is just life 

And sometimes life sucks 

Everyone goes through tough times

Everyone has a story 

A past 

A few skeletons in their closet 

No one is perfect 

Everyone has made mistakes 

It's not just people with mental illness or addiction that need to clean house sometimes 

It's everyone 

By the way 

Just to give you an update on the dog shelter situation

I rang them before I went away 

To let them know I would start when I got back

They said to ring when I returned 

Which I did 

Where upon they told me that they had me on file

And would ring me when I was needed 

I was confused 

As I thought that I would be starting 

But it looks like I might have to call in to them again

As a phone call doesn't seem enough

Anyway

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am here

And I am ok 

As ever 

I will keep writing

Keep showing up and doing my thing

Keep fighting for a better life 

For recovery 

For me and my family 

A break from the break

I'm taking a little break from my break

To share this article with you

It's compiled by Healthline

And features different contributors advice about binge eating

My two cents is in there too

I think it's really helpful

Hope you do too....

http://www.healthline.com/health/eating-disorders/binge-eating-best-advice

Lessons learned and taking a break

A lot of lessons have been learned over the past couple of days 

I am someone who lives their life on impulse

Everyday I do things without thinking them through

And I do it for instant gratification 

I think I need to slow down a bit 

I need to breathe

And take a big step back

And look at my life 

I've made a commitment to go to a meeting tomorrow

And I'm also handing my meds over to a family member 

For the time being

Just until I can trust myself again

So yes 

I am going to take a little break from my blog and the Internet

I need to focus on my real life

And my real life relationships 

I think I've had my head stuck in a virtual world 

Putting pressure on myself to write everyday

I'm not sure how long I will be gone 

Maybe days 

Maybe weeks 

But one thing is for sure 

I will be back 

At some stage 

I just need to get my ducks in a row 

And sort out what is keeping me stuck

 

If you are wondering about Marla

She is ok

We have been emailing back and forth. 

And are going to put this incident behind us 

So I will see you in a little while

Please take care of you

And each other 

I will see you on the flip side....

At a loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back time?

And change history?

I sure do 

I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days 

I also learned a big lesson

Just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I have to blog about it

Which leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog 

Maybe I should censor myself a bit more

And not be so frank all the time 

Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at 

Because I am not in a good place

The reason I am upset today 

Is not just what happened with Marla

But because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attention

I don't know if you remember Loulou who used to be a close friend of mine 

We texted and emailed every day

She was good to me

And I did my best to help her

She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy 

I disagreed with her

And we had a huge argument 

All through texts

And I haven't heard from her since

Thdt must be about a year ago now

So this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou 

And makes me question myself 

And my motives for writing 

And the support we give each other 

I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point 

The writer brought up a lot of good points 

It was food for thought for sure

After everything that happened yesterday 

I had a long chat with my mother 

We talked about where I am at 

And what I need to do to keep moving forward 

Of course the subject of meds came up

As it always does 

I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now on

As I just can't trust myself 

Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it 

But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 

My mother also reminded me 

That back in August 

I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery 

Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly 

Go to meetings 

And stay in touch with friends 

I have done none if these things so far

I haven't been to a meeting in months 

I'm abusing my meds 

And I've lost touch with all my friends 

So the only social outlet I have is here on my blog

That can't be healthy 

I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 

I am stuck at the monent 

I acknowledge that 

I've come a long way

But thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am 

There is still a long long way to go

After speaking with my mum last night 

I asked her to help me

To help me with my meds 

To help me get to meetings 

Which I have decided to go back to

As they do help

And keep me grounded in my recovery 

I know I will need support to get back on track 

Last night was horrible 

I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning 

I felt so bad for Marla

And so guilty for my actions 

I spoke to my mum about blogging

And if it is healthy for me 

She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negative

That is true

95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive 

And so many cool things have happened recently 

Being asked to do write for different publications 

And being able to help others 

So I won't stop blogging 

I will continue to write 

Just maybe not in the same way 

Today I am wondering if in fact this community is as healthy and productive as we think it is

Yes we are all friends 

Yes we support each other 

But are we being honest with each other? 

Are we telling each other what we want to hear

Or what we need to hear?

I am undecided on this right now 

I'm just not sure 

Marla made a point 

And I am wondering if there is any truth in it

I think back to my stints in treatment 

And remember how we all competed to be the sickest 

The thinnest 

Who needed the most attention from staff

I'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval 

To be told that I am ok

Thdt I have come a long way

And therefore don't need to go any further

I don't profess to be perfect

I am the anthisesis of perfection

And am no poster girl for recovery 

But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery 

And keep fighting for my life 

I am honest here 

Probably to a fault 

And now I don't where to go from here 

Do I keep blogging as usual?

Do I take a break?

I'm still thinking about these things 

Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover 

Which I do 

I guess I have some serious thinking to do

To reevaluate where I am at 

Jo made  the point yesterday 

That we need to stick together 

Because we are all in the some boat 

We shouldn't be pulling each other down

She is so right 

I don't want to argue with anyone 

And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone

Marla has emailed me

And she is ok 

But she is not going to read anymore 

I feel sad about this 

That she came to my blog looking for support

And ended up in the eye of a storm 

I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days 

Next time 

I will think before I write