Methadone and trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on Monday

But my methadone was reduced 

My doctor had been talking about it for weeks

And he finally made a 2ml reduction this week

So I am now on 28mls

As you may know 

I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone 

And to be honest

More than putting up resistance 

I am petrified about it

I've been on this drug for ten years 

I'm physically and mentally 

Totally and absolutely addicted to it

My doctor asked me why I don't want to come off it

I couldn't really give him a reason 

Other than I am afraid 

I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last year

Summer 2014 

I was down to 22ml

And we could see an end point in sight 

Now the goalposts have been moved again

And that is down to me

And my fear of letting it go

It's also the structure of the methadone programme

Going to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrow

And keeps me accountable 

I know if I use 

There will be consequences 

Then there is going to the chemist 

Collecting my Meds 

It's all an integral part of my life

I would feel a bit lost without that structure 

Or maybe I wouldn't 

Maybe I would relish my new found freedom

And get a new lease on life 

I don't know 

Because I'm too afraid to try

More than coming off the methadone

I am afraid of relapsing 

The very thought chills my bones

I would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  

That use for one more day

That's how scary it is to me

In other news 

I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow

My Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights 

It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the country

But we've been meaning to go for a while now 

So tomorrow is the day

I got a text last night 

From one of the ladies from AA 

I was delighted to get the text 

I guess I thought that people would just forget about me

It has really given me the push to go back to meetings 

So I am hoping to get to one next week

Fingers crossed 

You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this week

That is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happening

Needless to say

It's not good 

I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips 

Every day it seems further and further away 

I'm not seeing Breda for another ten days

And I haven't yet contacted Mary 

As I keep hoping that things will improve

I'm reluctant to write too much about it 

As then it makes it real

Anyway 

That's it from me 

Just a short one today

I'll try and post from Cork

See you on the next post.... 

The Interview

I mentioned a little while ago 

That I recently did a Skype interview with Angela Barnett

The author of the blog Fucking Awesome Bulimics I Know (FABIK)

We spoke for two hours early one Saturday morning 

And it was a pleasure from start to finish

I answered Angela's questions

We laughed a lot 

Shared our experience, strength and hope

Despaired at the lengths we went to got our disorders 

Angela contacted me yesterday to let me know that the interview is up on her blog

So here it is

Hope you enjoy....

http://fuckingawesomebulimicsiknow.com/2015/11/22/ruby-tuesday/

The Hunger Games

One of the most dangerous aspects of anorexia

Is that the disorder always wants more

More weight loss 

To the point where sufferers become entangled in a twisted game of 'Who is the sickest?'

I've played this game 

Many times 

And no good can come if it 

Being an addict 

And having attended support groups

I have met many other girls like me

Who are cross addicted

And developed EDs as well as drug/alcohol addictions

Two girls in particular I became good friends with

We're we helping each other?

I'm not so sure 

I know I measured my weight against theirs 

One of the girls and I used to tell each other our weight

And  I committed it to memory 

And secretly tried to achieve a lower weight

They say that in regards to recovering

1/3 will recover

1/3 will live somewhere in between their disorder and recovery 

And 1/3 will never recover 

Those statistics ring true for me and my friends 

One of us has recovered

One is still knee deep in the disorder

And one is somewhere in between the two 

People with EDs 

Often have the sense that they are not sick enough 

And therefore don't deserve the title of 'anorectic'

Because there is always someone sicker or thinner than you 

If you are admitted to inpatient

The Hunger Games become amplified 

For me

Inpatient did not work 

I found that being surrounded by other disordered people made recovery and weight gain nigh on impossible 

I compared myself to other girls 

What we weighed 

What we ate

How much exercise we did 

It was all a sick and twisted game 

I just wasn't able to allow myself to gain weight in that situation

And have never completed treatment successfully

I've always done much better from home  

With support of course 

There is a kind of competition that comes with anorexia 

We wear our bones like trophies on our bodies 

We award ourselves with medals for the different milestones we achieve

Given the title of anorectic

Check

Underweight

Check

Seeing a counsellor

Check 

Inpatient

Check 

Inpatient especially has a kind of holy grail aura about it

Because we never believe we are sick enough

Being told you need to go in to inpatient is like being validated that yes you are sick enough to go to hospital  or treatment 

I know I spend much time worrying about the fact that I don't have an ED

Rather than the fact that I do have one

Although 

Having said all that 

One place that I don't feel a sense of competition

Is here on blogger

Why is that?

Probably because we get to see the real honest truth about what it's really like to live with a life threatening mental illness

The fear

The loneliness 

The isolation

The depression and anxiety

The family issues

The never ending merry-go-round of recovery and relapse

It's clear from reading about people's lives here

That an ED is not what it would have you believe 

Ive used this metaphor before 

But I will use it again

An ED is like an abuser

It grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness and success 

It paints a picture of what life will be like when you lose weight

You'll be lighter 

Prettier 

The smallest of all your friends 

And of course it will tell you that thinner people are more popular

More liked and loved 

Your boyfriend will be able to pick you up with no effort at all

You will wear anything you like

And look effortlessly beautiful

Oh yes

In return for your body

Your mind 

Your sanity

And your soul 

Anorexia will give you the life you always dreamed of

Hard to resist right? 

Once anorexia lures you in

And you are now captive 

Anorexia shows its true colours

And how evil it truly is

And once she is in your life 

Life will never be the same again

Thus far 

I've focused on anorexia

But of course there are other eating disorders

Unfortunately 

They are not given the same status that anorexia is

Bulimia for example

Is widely considered to  be anorexias less popular cousin

Having dealt with both 

I know first hand that it is a lot more difficult to talk about bulimia

If anorexia is cold, controlled and aloof

Then bulimia is loud and brash and in your face 

No one wants to admit that they throw up their food

It's messy

It's disgusting

It's not something that you talk about in polite company 

I think people feel sorry for people with anorexia

And disgusted by people with bulimia

It's not a fair appraisal at all 

Then there is binge eating disorder

And food addiction 

Which must be even more difficult to talk about 

Anorexia gets the most attention

That is for sure 

Maybe because seeing an emaciated person is so shocking 

Papers and magazines love a sensationalist story

With a shocking and disturbing picture to go with it

The same with obesity

But if you ask me

Anorexia and obesity are on the same spectrum

At opposite ends albeit

But it's the same problem

A problem with feelings

With reality 

With ourselves

And of course with food 

I have no doubt that I could easily become obese 

My relationship with food can be so disordered that it is a very real possibility 

As I have said before

I either eat none of the food

Or all of the food

There is no in between 

There is no glory in being the sickest or the thinnest

In the end 

Lives are torn apart as a result 

And really

There are no winners 

Only losers 

I know all too well that our EDs will not be satisfied until we are six feet under

Death is the ultimate prize 

There is no doubt

That eating disorders are complicated illnesses 

Often we don't know why we are doing what we are doing

But we feel compelled to do it

God knows I am going through it right now

And it's a battle to get back on track

It's so important in recovery 

To build a solid foundation on which to grow from

I think maybe that was my mistake 

I didn't have a platform from which to flourish

My recovery happened very quickly

And almost in spite of myself 

I think I started using the word recovery because I had gained weight

But then recovery really did happen

I did gain weight

My mood improved 

My anxiety and depression lifted 

But was it sustainable?

I'm not so sure

I think I need to start again

To take my time 

And build up my recovery layer by layer 

So that I have reserves

For when things turn sour 

Like now 

I am struggling to hold on to my recovery 

My ED is screaming in my ears these days 

I spoke to my family about it yesterday

For the first time 

They are worried 

As am I 

I was stupid to think that I could lose a few pounds and stop there 

I've lost too much weight in a very short space of time

My body is really suffering 

As is my mental health 

I'm thinking of ringing Mary and asking for a top up appointment 

I've also reached out to friends 

So I'm hoping to get back on track

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been caught up in The Hunger Games?

Do you think that anorexia can become a game of who is the sickest? 

What is your experience of this?

Answers on a post card please.....

Iron minds

A new show started on TV here last night

Called Iron Minds

The premise of the show is all about the correlation between physical and mental health

The show is presented by Niall Breslin

Better known as Bressie 

Bressie is the former lead singer of the band The Blizzards 

He is also a judge on the Irish The Voice

And has spoken out very publicly about his battle with depression and anxiety

Bressie is regarded as a well rounded individual here 

He also happens to be a 6'2 hunk which gets him a lot of female attention

But more than that 

He is just a really really sound guy

And genuinely wants to help others 

In recent years 

Bressie has turned to health and fitness to help him battle his demons

He runs, swims and cycles

Regularly competing in triathlons and Ironmans

To see if he could help others in the same position 

Bressie recruited four people from the four corners of Ireland

Orla 

Mark

Colm

And Jade

And put them through a series of endurance challenges 

All under the watchful eye of medical experts of course 

All the participants had varying degrees of mental illness 

Jade suffered from depression and tricotilamania 

Both the guys suffered from depression 

And Orla probably had the saddest story 

She had recently lost her Mum to cancer

And her sister to suicide 

She is also a single mother

Orla is actually from my area

She is a Pilates instructor

And attended the same yoga class I did last year

I never really said more than hello to her

But I remember my sister saying that she was a cold fish 

But it turns out she wasn't 

She was actually dealing with a hell of a lot

Her whole world was caving in 

And was probably going around in a complete haze 

It just goes to show 

You can't judge people 

As you just don't know what they are dealing with

Someone who appears unfriendly or distant or cold 

Might actually be going through the wars

Usually if someone is like that with me

I usually presume it's me they don't like or don't wAnt to talk to

But 

As I remind myself regularly 

It's not all about me 

This is a huge lesson

To make allowances for others 

You never know what is going on in their heads 

The four participants all had a base line of fitness

The all ran regularly 

And Mark was a former competitive cyclist 

So they weren't couch potatoes as such

At the beginning of the show

All four spoke about their illness

The crippling low moods 

The heavy feeling in their body

The weariness 

The feeling of being swamped by negative thoughts

I could relate to every word 

I thought they were so brave 

To go on national TV 

And talk about their deepest darkest issues 

It was clear that they all wanted to move forward 

And their strength and honesty shone through

First 

The participants were put through a fitness test 

They were also tested medically and psychologically 

And deemed fit and well to take part 

They were under the care of a team of professionals 

Nutritionists 

Psychologists 

Doctors 

And of course Bressie

Who was there for them every step of the way 

Then

The next challenge 

Was to swim in a body of open water 

Bressie brought them to a lake in the Midlands 

And had them swim 1km

They will all very anxious about the task 

But were determined to finish it

The two girls did well

And completed the swim first and second

The guys however 

Really struggled 

And one had a mini panic attack half way through the swim

Afterwards 

They had a mindfulness session 

And also cognitive behavioural therapy

Again

I was blown away by their willingness to talk so openly 

It really was inspiring

At one point in the show

Orla hit a real low point

And was struggling to cope

The psychologist visited her at home for a chat 

She spoke of how she was struggling to get over the death of her mother and sister 

She was asked if her mother was there 

What her mother would say to her

Orla replied that she would say

'Relax and enjoy it'

She was then asked if her sister was there, what Orla would say to her

She had one simple question 

'Why?

Why did you do it?

Why didn't you speak to one of us?

Why were you so proud?'

It was heartbreaking to watch 

A few weeks later 

And Bressie set their next task

To compete in a half Iron Man

Which comprised a 1km swim

A 20km bike ride

And a 5 km run

Again 

They were all extremely nervous 

But they had all trained hard 

And we're ready 

Brilliantly 

They all finished

With Jade coming first 

I could see they were on such a high

The feeling of accomplishment was clear to see on their faces 

I really enjoyed the show

And probably more so because I knew one of the participants 

I think the concept is a great idea

As I firmly believe there is a strong link between mental health and physical health

I can see it working in my own life 

I walk every day 

Lea especially is always keen to go for a walk 

And that's great for me

As some days it's hard to leave the house 

But I would never refuse my dogs a walk

I also started back swimming recently 

And go once or twice a week

I actually hate the thought of going swimming 

Having to organise myself to go

Getting in to the cold water 

And taking ages to warm up

But once I am there 

I really enjoy it

And I always feel great after pushing myself 

It's great for my mental health 

My confidence

Self esteem 

And it generally gives me a good feeling

I would also love to take up running

But my body doesn't seem to want to let me do that 

So I will stick to walking 

The show also showed 

How important it is to get out there and get stuck in to something 

Be that exercise

A support group

Volunteering 

Being around other people is good for us 

It takes us out of ourselves 

It's talking to others 

And getting out of our own heads 

It definitely helped me see that I need to do this more 

Get out of the house

Get involved in activities 

Meet people 

Learn new skills 

I am a loner at heart 

But I also love people 

So it's something to think about 

The show is on again next week

So I wil update you then

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you believe that there is a link between mental and physical health?

Have you seen that work in your own life?

Do you find that getting out and about helps you?

What role does exercise play in your life?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Not Backing Down

Apologies for not replying to comments yesterday

I just didn't have the energy

The last few days have been exhausting 

And it's taken a toll

Stupidly 

I really let those negative comments get to me 

My mood suffered 

My family noticed 

They kept telling me to shake it off

But being as hyper sensitive as I am

It took me a while

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughtful comments over the last week

Knowing that you are there makes this whole blogging experience worthwhile 

But I'm done defending myself 

Especially against faceless, nameless anonymous comments 

I guess it all points to the fact that my self esteem and self worth are not in a great place

And I need to work on that 

As they say in AA

Recovery happens sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly

It's not something that can be measured

But it's definitely something to look at

But look

These problems are small fry compared to some 

You may think I have an easy life anonymous

But you only see a fraction of my life 

I don't write about my family

And the issues going on there 

I have much that I don't write about 

So please 

Don't judge me

You have no right to 

So I'm not backing down

I'm not going to leave blogger

It means too much to me 

You mean too much to me 

And for what it's worth 

I'm not giving up on recovery either

And am trying my best to get back on track

Yes 

I have lost weight 

But I am doing everything in my power to put the brakes on

It's not easy 

Once my ED is given half a chance 

It jumps in to drivers seat

And takes over the whole show 

Let's hope this is a slip more than a relapse 

Some of you pointed out that blogging the way I do is like a job 

I've always thought that 

Blogging is something I do at the same time every day

In the same place

Often I have to research something before I write about it 

And I reply to comments which also takes time 

Granted 

It's not a paid job 

But I get something so much more than money from writing this blog 

I do it because I love it

Because I hope it helps others 

Because I feel compelled to share my story and experiences 

In the hope that it will go some way to fight the battle against eating disorders 

So

I'm here to stay 

Even if anonymous would rather I go and cry in the corner 

I guess the thing is not to react to these comments 

It only gives them power

I'm not prepared to do that any more 

And interestingly 

Anonymous did not comment on my last post 

Anyway 

That's it from me today 

This is the last time I write about this subject

I am done defending myself 

I'm off to walk my dogs 

And spend a lazy Sunday 

Yes anonymous 

What a lazy, unemployed waste of space I am.....

Judgment

I hit a really low point yesterday

Yesterday's post was written out of a place of having to defend myself 

I felt attacked by the anonymous comments who told me to 'Grow up' and 'Get a job'

And because my confidence is on the low side 

I didn't have the ability to see these what these comments were

An faceless, nameless, anonymous commenter

Someone who reads my blog

But doesn't approve of my lifestyle 

They obviously have a bee in their Bonnet about my not working 

And have been very vocal about that lately 

I actually thought about deleting my blog and leaving blogger yesterday 

That's how bad I felt 

I spoke to various members of my family 

And consensus was to ignore said comments

Read and delete

They pointed out that I don't know these people 

And their opinions shouldn't matter

Much like what a lot of you wrote on the comments section too

I'm not leaving though 

There may be negatives to writing this blog

But there are more positives 

So I will continue to blog

And continue to fight for recovery

You also suggested that I disable anonymous comments 

I would do this only that there are quite a few readers who comment under anonymous but who always leave their names 

So I don't want to do that 

Also I want to get to a place where I can read these comments and not give them a second thought

So I will leave it as it is for now

The thing is 

I felt judged yesterday 

I felt like my whole life was being torn apart 

I know I put myself out there 

So I should expect such judgment 

It's amazing how someone can get up on their high horse and cast judgment on others 

I mean 

My life is not perfect 

I do the best I can 

I am struggling at the moment 

Big time 

But I am trying my level best to get back on track 

If there is one thing I don't do 

Is judge others 

You may smoke 40 cigarettes a day

You may drink your weight in wine

You may smoke a joint from time to time

Or maybe every day 

You may never donate to charity 

Or only shower once a week

You may have stolen in your time 

Or not paid a parking fine 

You may be a staunch workaholic 

Or not work at all

You may have purple hair 

A face full of piercings 

And a body covered in tattoos

You may be gay

Bisexual 

Transgender 

Whatever it is 

I am not here to judge you

Your life is your life 

And you can do with it as you please 

Let those with out sin cast the first stone and all that 

So go ahead anonymous 

Judge me

Judge me for all your worth 

I know I'm a good person

I bet if you were dealing with what I am dealing with 

You wouldn't be perfect either

I put myself out there to help others 

And myself 

If putting others down is what does it for you 

Then go ahead 

I've dealt with worse than you in my life

Far far worse 

Live and let live I say

In the words of One Direction

'Nobody can drag me down'

Ha 

Can't believe I just quoted One Direction!

I don't even like them!

Can you tell I'm feeling better today....

The working world

An anonymous reader left a comment on yesterday's post

Asking about the fact that I don't work

And pointing out that I have it easy

I replied to the comment in my replies yesterday

But I also felt a need to write a post addressing this issue

As I'm sure there are others who wonder about my situation 

I'm not annoyed or upset by this question

And I have absolutely no problem in replying 

To the outside world

It may look like I have it easy 

And I guess in some ways I do 

I live with my Mum

And I live here not only because I can't afford to move out on my own

I live here because I like living with my Mum

To all intents and purposes 

It feels like we are house sharing

Rather than living with a parent

I contribute to rent and bills

As well as paying my own car and phone bills 

I do my share of the house work 

And we take it in turns to cook

It would make no sense for me to move out now 

And try to maintain the running of a house/flat on my own

And more than all of that 

I am happy here 

I kind of feel like I am defending myself here

And that's not why I wanted to write this post 

I may look like I am having a great ol' time not working and living off the state

It hasn't always been this way

Up until my ED developed 

And even during my ED

I worked 

I always worked 

A few years ago I was put on disability allowance

And have been on it since

My last job was teaching dance to kids 

I taught 4 classes a week

But over night 

I lost my confidence

And never went back

Confidence poses a huge obstacle for me as regards work 

I just don't have the confidence that I can do a job

And do it well

My self esteem has taken a battering over the years 

It's been shattered 

And I'm only now beginning to put it back together 

I also don't want to secure a job until I am sure that I can maintain it 

I did apply for part time positions during the summer 

But nothing came of those 

I really want to feel capable of holding down a job before I start working

I have a long history of starting things and not finishing them

And that really knocks your confidence 

I want to be in the best frame of mind possible 

And I'm just not there yet

Which brings me to my next point

I don't know guys 

I don't even think I can truthfully say that I am in recovery any more 

My head is all over the place

Purging has increased in the last couple of weeks 

My weight continues to drop 

And I am generally acting like a very eating disordered person

To be honest 

I feel like I have one foot in recovery

And one foot in my illness

Committing to neither

Trying to have my cake and eat it too

I'm caught up in the honey moon phase of losing weight

And even though I know how this story ends 

I can't seem to stop

Logically and rationally 

I know what I am doing is wrong

It's the behaviour of someone who really should know better

It's scary 

The years are flying by

One year blends in to the next

And nothing changes

Yes over the last year I have been dabbling in recovery 

But did I ever really fully commit?

That's up for debate 

I know I need to man up

And choose a path 

One way or the other 

I can't have both

One always bleeds in to another 

And I'm left in this kind of limbo

A no mans land 

Neither here nor there 

That's not where I want to be 

I want to get well 

I do 

But I have to admit 

The safety of my ED appeals to me 

In that it's all I have to worry about 

Even though it's a living hell

I don't have to deal with life on life's terms 

I have often said that death doesn't scare me

Life scares me a hell of a lot more

Thus far

I haven't been able to handle life without the use of a substance 

Or a behaviour 

The truth is 

That I've not lived in reality for a long time

And now I'm wondering if I can't handle it at all 

I find living in reality hard

I don't know 

Maybe everyone feels like this 

And they just don't say it 

Maybe people just get on with things

And maybe that's what I should do too 

I don't know

So yes 

I know I am blessed in a lot of ways 

I have a strong family around me

And if anything bad ever happens 

They are there to help me put back the pieces together 

But please 

Don't think I have it easy

I fight a battle every day

To stay clean and sober 

To not inject myself with mind and body numbing drugs 

Sometimes I see or hear or smell something that reminds me of heroin

And literally have to stop my self from jumping in to my car and heading to get drugs 

A craving is a powerful thing 

And I get them all the time

Be it heroin 

Or alcohol

Or cigarettes

I fight to not lose the plot completely where food is concerned 

As I wrote recently 

My black and white behaviours means I eat all the food 

Or none of the food

I fight not to binge

And not to purge 

It doesn't always work 

But I keep trying 

Some days I wake up with a sense of impending doom

And I don't want to get up and face the day

Some days just getting out of bed is a triumph

Some days eating my lunch and keeping it down is a victory 

And sometimes just leaving my house to walk my dogs is success 

It's all relative

It's easy to look at someone else's life and think that the grass is greener

But I wouldn't wish the issues I deal with on anyone

I hope this explains my situation a bit better

And I'm happy to answer any other questions that you have 

You know the saying don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes?

I think that applies here...