The Girl

There are two things that I notice more than anything else when ever I visit a city

The addicts

And the homeless 

I don't always see the shops

The lights 

The sights and the sounds 

I see the people asleep in doorways on cardboard boxes

I see the pinned and haunted eyes of heroin addicts

The empty bottles of the street drinkers 

The scatty manicness of the meth users 

The slurred speech of those on methadone

This city is no different

The first homeless guy I saw today was sitting on the cold hard ground

Dressed in a thin jumper and pants

He was visibly shivering with the cold 

His eyes on the ground in front of him

We walked by 

Stopped and looked back

We were all thinking the same thing 

The poor guy

We pooled our change and gave him five euro 

Tipping it in to his paper cup

He looked up when he heard the rattle of the change 

And stuck his hand out

As if to touch the saviour who would allow him to buy a cup of tea and a sandwich 

I usually talk to the homeless when I'm giving them something 

But with this guy

I don't know 

He looked so destitute 

I didn't think anything I could say could make him feel better

Walking away

I turned back to look at him 

He hadn't even checked his cup

His eyes still downwards

I felt guilty in that moment 

Guilty that I had so much 

And he had so little 

Life is unfair 

It's all a game of chance 

We went for lunch then 

And decided to pick the homeless man up some soup 

We walked back to where he was sitting 

There were people talking to him

Giving him bags of what I presume were food

He looked like he was rubbing tears from his eyes 

A lady kneeled at his side giving comforting words 

We decided to give the soup to another homeless person 

And it wasn't long before we met another one 

He gratefully accepted it

And we went on our way

Last night 

We went to see a musical 

After it had finished 

And we had all piled out of the theatre 

I had run across the road to the shop to get a carton of milk

I noticed a girl with two dogs out side the shop 

It was the dogs that attracted me 

And I bent down to pet them and talk too them 

And could tell by the girls demeanour that she was out of her mind 

She was skinny

Wobbly on her feet 

And louder then she needed to be

I asked her about the dogs 

She said they were rescue dogs 

That she was minding them for someone

They had no collars 

No leads 

And seemed really clingy and afraid 

I looked in to the girls eyes

Her pupils were pinned 

Her lids fighting against the weight of the heroin in her blood

I asked her if I could ask her a question

Was she on the gear

She said she was 

That she had recently relapsed after a nasty break up

She had been clean for a year 

All the while she was talking to me 

There was another guy that was in and out of the shop

Talking at great speed to the girl 

She continued to speak to me 

Then all of a sudden I just knew I had to get out of there 

This is how I've slipped before 

Putting myself in stupid situations 

I wished her good luck

And went to walk in to the shop 

Next thing I knew 

She threw her arms around me 

And gave me a huge hug

I was taken aback

But I hugged her back

And in that moment 

I wanted to take the girl and her dog home with me

Nurse her through her withdrawal 

Love her dog in to a happy and healthy little guy

I went in to the shop

The guy was ahead of me 

Buying everything and anything 

At one point he turned around and apologised to me

I said it was no problem 

Just then 

My sister appeared 

It turned out that my sister and mother had been standing across the street and witnessed the whole exchange

My sister asked me if I was ok

I said I was 

But I wasn't really

Again 

I felt a sense of guilt 

That I had got out

And that girl hadn't 

I wondered what kind of place they were living 

Was it safe?

Was it full of addicts?

Was it warm?

I also wondered about the dog

Would they look after him?

Feed him?

Would he have a bed to sleep in that night?

Would someone let him out off he needed to wee?

Or would he be forced to pee where he lay down?

These questions bothered me

And still bother me

I feel a sense of survivor guilt 

I was extremely lucky 

To make it out alive

And relatively unscathed 

There are so many who didn't 

It's more the girls that upset me

Probably because I can relate to them more

And the fact that I know drugs take a far harder toll on women 

Where I live now 

I don't have to look at it 

It's not in my face 

But here 

And in Dublin and other cities 

I see it every 

I've always struggled to describe the look that heroin addicts aquire after a certain amount of time using 

It's like their faces all become the same

That same hollow cheeked, haunted eyes look 

Like the lights are on but no one is home

I read a post once by Shane Leverne 

Who writes Memoires of a heroin head

He described one of his characters once as having a 'smack sculpted face'

These are exactly the words I had been looking for 

I couldn't have described it so perfectly 

It's Sunday morning now

And that girl is still on my mind

I'm not worried though 

I know that soon she will drift to the back 

of my mind soon enough

And I don't kid myself 

I know if I had not been with my family

I probably would have gone and used with her 

And become her new best friend 

That's the way it seems to work in the drug world

It's like a secret little community 

Where everyone is connected by the drug

Everyone has it in common

And that is enough to base whole relationships on

Whether they last an hour or a year 

Something I also noticed yesterday while taking to the girl

Was that we seemed to get in to a one upman ship about drugs 

It goes something like that like this 

You're using 3 years?

Oh I'm using 5 years?

You started using in Dublin?

Well I started in London

You nearly died once?

I actually did die 

Does this seem familiar to anyone?

Yes 

It's a lot like the game we play with out EDs 

The Hunger Games 

That's just the way it is

And I definitely don't miss that 

Anyway 

Today is the last day of our little jolly

We head back tomorrow morning 

Everyone else is still in bed

Tired after yesterday's exertions

It's nice to have some time to myself 

To make sense of last night 

Why do these things always happen to me.....

To Cork......

So

Here we are in Cork

My Mum, my sister and I 

Are all staying with my sisters partner

The journey here was a marathon

We left before 9am

And arrived at 5pm

Although

I'll tell you a little secret 

I slept most of the way in the back seat

So I wasn't as tired as the rest when we arrived

Cork is Ireland's biggest county

Lying in the south west of the country

I've only been here once before

And loved it

So was excited to come back

My sisters partner had a beautiful, homely stew with mash upon our arrival 

Just what the doctor ordered

We took it easy last night

And watched The Toy Show

Which I wrote about yesterday

If you can

I would look it up 

As it's just the perfect thing to get you in the mood for Christmas

We made our way to bed at midnight

And was out before I could even read one page of my book

I awoke first this morning 

Late for me at 9 30am

I came downstairs 

Made a huge cup of tea and toast

And waited for the others to surface

One by one 

They came downstairs 

And sausages and bacon were put on the pan 

We ate

Had a quick shower 

And piled out in to my sisters car and headed for town

Cork city is lovely

It doesn't have the manicness of Dublin

But it's bigger than the city near us at home

We wandered around the shops

I was on a strict budget 

So just bought I pair of jeggings in 

Yes you've guessed it 

Fat Face 

Stick that in your pipe anonymous 

My Mum was looking for a warm jacket 

So we all spent about 45mins in the changing rooms of one particular shop

This changing room was smaller than a toilet cubicle 

You couldn't swing a cat in it 

She didn't find anything though

Well she did 

But the prices were extortionate

So she's going to wait for the January sales

We went for lunch in the Cork opera house 

A quirky little place with coloured chairs that looked like a kindergarten 

I had the kids sausage and chips

Yes I only wanted a small portion so ordered from the kids menu

It was yummy though

A meal in miniature

We walked around for another while

And finished up in water stones book shop

Where my sister and I decided to walk home

And the others took the car

We are home now 

Going to have some grub

Before heading out to see a musical

It's called ahem..

Menopause the Musical

It's meant to be really funny 

It was either that or the ballet

So we went with the funny one

Below are some photos from today

Enjoy...

The Toy Show

As you know 

I live in Ireland 

We are a country who appreciates tradition

Especially around Christmas time

There is a long running chat show 

That is on every Friday night

Called The Late Late Show

It's really an institution in this country 

And every year 

Around the end of November 

The Late Late Show 

Transforms in to The Late Late Toy Show

Which is on tonight

I really cant explain The Toy Show and do it justice

It has to be seen to be believed

The whole studio is transformed in to a winter wonderland 

All the audience dress up

But the children are the star of the show

Some sing

Some dance 

Some try out the toys 

The opening number is always spectacular 

The host Ryan, sings and dances with the children 

And the standard of talent is enormous 

There are also celebrities 

Games 

And the audience always get loads of free toys and goodies 

I make a point of watching The Toy Show every year

Growing up it was the highlight of my life

I can remember watching it on the Friday night

And again on Sunday afternoon when it was repeated

I remember my father coming home from the pub 

Steaming drunk 

And watching the end of it with us

As I've grown up 

The Toy Show has remained an integral part of my Christmas

It's all about the children

And they really are the stars of the show

I can clearly remember two years ago

I was in treatment just before Christmas 

And The Toy Show was on one Friday night

I was pretty devastated that I had to be there for it

And I almost didn't get to see it 

As I was on bed rest

And had to ask for permission 

They let me 

You'd want to have a heart of stone to turn down that request 

So we all settled in the TV room

The ED girls with our large cups of tea

Curled up on the bucket seats 

With our legs folded under us 

And the other patients 

With their chocolate and biscuits

And electronic cigarettes 

When the ads came on

We all hauled to the smoking room next door for a cheeky smoke 

Even though we were in hospital

The atmosphere was jolly and merry 

I still think of those people 

And wonder how they are doing 

So 

Here I  am

In my pyjamas 

With a cup of tea in hand 

Waiting for the show to start

Yes I think it's happening

Christmas is most definitely here....

Methadone and trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on Monday

But my methadone was reduced 

My doctor had been talking about it for weeks

And he finally made a 2ml reduction this week

So I am now on 28mls

As you may know 

I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone 

And to be honest

More than putting up resistance 

I am petrified about it

I've been on this drug for ten years 

I'm physically and mentally 

Totally and absolutely addicted to it

My doctor asked me why I don't want to come off it

I couldn't really give him a reason 

Other than I am afraid 

I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last year

Summer 2014 

I was down to 22ml

And we could see an end point in sight 

Now the goalposts have been moved again

And that is down to me

And my fear of letting it go

It's also the structure of the methadone programme

Going to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrow

And keeps me accountable 

I know if I use 

There will be consequences 

Then there is going to the chemist 

Collecting my Meds 

It's all an integral part of my life

I would feel a bit lost without that structure 

Or maybe I wouldn't 

Maybe I would relish my new found freedom

And get a new lease on life 

I don't know 

Because I'm too afraid to try

More than coming off the methadone

I am afraid of relapsing 

The very thought chills my bones

I would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  

That use for one more day

That's how scary it is to me

In other news 

I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow

My Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights 

It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the country

But we've been meaning to go for a while now 

So tomorrow is the day

I got a text last night 

From one of the ladies from AA 

I was delighted to get the text 

I guess I thought that people would just forget about me

It has really given me the push to go back to meetings 

So I am hoping to get to one next week

Fingers crossed 

You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this week

That is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happening

Needless to say

It's not good 

I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips 

Every day it seems further and further away 

I'm not seeing Breda for another ten days

And I haven't yet contacted Mary 

As I keep hoping that things will improve

I'm reluctant to write too much about it 

As then it makes it real

Anyway 

That's it from me 

Just a short one today

I'll try and post from Cork

See you on the next post.... 

The Interview

I mentioned a little while ago 

That I recently did a Skype interview with Angela Barnett

The author of the blog Fucking Awesome Bulimics I Know (FABIK)

We spoke for two hours early one Saturday morning 

And it was a pleasure from start to finish

I answered Angela's questions

We laughed a lot 

Shared our experience, strength and hope

Despaired at the lengths we went to got our disorders 

Angela contacted me yesterday to let me know that the interview is up on her blog

So here it is

Hope you enjoy....

http://fuckingawesomebulimicsiknow.com/2015/11/22/ruby-tuesday/

The Hunger Games

One of the most dangerous aspects of anorexia

Is that the disorder always wants more

More weight loss 

To the point where sufferers become entangled in a twisted game of 'Who is the sickest?'

I've played this game 

Many times 

And no good can come if it 

Being an addict 

And having attended support groups

I have met many other girls like me

Who are cross addicted

And developed EDs as well as drug/alcohol addictions

Two girls in particular I became good friends with

We're we helping each other?

I'm not so sure 

I know I measured my weight against theirs 

One of the girls and I used to tell each other our weight

And  I committed it to memory 

And secretly tried to achieve a lower weight

They say that in regards to recovering

1/3 will recover

1/3 will live somewhere in between their disorder and recovery 

And 1/3 will never recover 

Those statistics ring true for me and my friends 

One of us has recovered

One is still knee deep in the disorder

And one is somewhere in between the two 

People with EDs 

Often have the sense that they are not sick enough 

And therefore don't deserve the title of 'anorectic'

Because there is always someone sicker or thinner than you 

If you are admitted to inpatient

The Hunger Games become amplified 

For me

Inpatient did not work 

I found that being surrounded by other disordered people made recovery and weight gain nigh on impossible 

I compared myself to other girls 

What we weighed 

What we ate

How much exercise we did 

It was all a sick and twisted game 

I just wasn't able to allow myself to gain weight in that situation

And have never completed treatment successfully

I've always done much better from home  

With support of course 

There is a kind of competition that comes with anorexia 

We wear our bones like trophies on our bodies 

We award ourselves with medals for the different milestones we achieve

Given the title of anorectic

Check

Underweight

Check

Seeing a counsellor

Check 

Inpatient

Check 

Inpatient especially has a kind of holy grail aura about it

Because we never believe we are sick enough

Being told you need to go in to inpatient is like being validated that yes you are sick enough to go to hospital  or treatment 

I know I spend much time worrying about the fact that I don't have an ED

Rather than the fact that I do have one

Although 

Having said all that 

One place that I don't feel a sense of competition

Is here on blogger

Why is that?

Probably because we get to see the real honest truth about what it's really like to live with a life threatening mental illness

The fear

The loneliness 

The isolation

The depression and anxiety

The family issues

The never ending merry-go-round of recovery and relapse

It's clear from reading about people's lives here

That an ED is not what it would have you believe 

Ive used this metaphor before 

But I will use it again

An ED is like an abuser

It grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness and success 

It paints a picture of what life will be like when you lose weight

You'll be lighter 

Prettier 

The smallest of all your friends 

And of course it will tell you that thinner people are more popular

More liked and loved 

Your boyfriend will be able to pick you up with no effort at all

You will wear anything you like

And look effortlessly beautiful

Oh yes

In return for your body

Your mind 

Your sanity

And your soul 

Anorexia will give you the life you always dreamed of

Hard to resist right? 

Once anorexia lures you in

And you are now captive 

Anorexia shows its true colours

And how evil it truly is

And once she is in your life 

Life will never be the same again

Thus far 

I've focused on anorexia

But of course there are other eating disorders

Unfortunately 

They are not given the same status that anorexia is

Bulimia for example

Is widely considered to  be anorexias less popular cousin

Having dealt with both 

I know first hand that it is a lot more difficult to talk about bulimia

If anorexia is cold, controlled and aloof

Then bulimia is loud and brash and in your face 

No one wants to admit that they throw up their food

It's messy

It's disgusting

It's not something that you talk about in polite company 

I think people feel sorry for people with anorexia

And disgusted by people with bulimia

It's not a fair appraisal at all 

Then there is binge eating disorder

And food addiction 

Which must be even more difficult to talk about 

Anorexia gets the most attention

That is for sure 

Maybe because seeing an emaciated person is so shocking 

Papers and magazines love a sensationalist story

With a shocking and disturbing picture to go with it

The same with obesity

But if you ask me

Anorexia and obesity are on the same spectrum

At opposite ends albeit

But it's the same problem

A problem with feelings

With reality 

With ourselves

And of course with food 

I have no doubt that I could easily become obese 

My relationship with food can be so disordered that it is a very real possibility 

As I have said before

I either eat none of the food

Or all of the food

There is no in between 

There is no glory in being the sickest or the thinnest

In the end 

Lives are torn apart as a result 

And really

There are no winners 

Only losers 

I know all too well that our EDs will not be satisfied until we are six feet under

Death is the ultimate prize 

There is no doubt

That eating disorders are complicated illnesses 

Often we don't know why we are doing what we are doing

But we feel compelled to do it

God knows I am going through it right now

And it's a battle to get back on track

It's so important in recovery 

To build a solid foundation on which to grow from

I think maybe that was my mistake 

I didn't have a platform from which to flourish

My recovery happened very quickly

And almost in spite of myself 

I think I started using the word recovery because I had gained weight

But then recovery really did happen

I did gain weight

My mood improved 

My anxiety and depression lifted 

But was it sustainable?

I'm not so sure

I think I need to start again

To take my time 

And build up my recovery layer by layer 

So that I have reserves

For when things turn sour 

Like now 

I am struggling to hold on to my recovery 

My ED is screaming in my ears these days 

I spoke to my family about it yesterday

For the first time 

They are worried 

As am I 

I was stupid to think that I could lose a few pounds and stop there 

I've lost too much weight in a very short space of time

My body is really suffering 

As is my mental health 

I'm thinking of ringing Mary and asking for a top up appointment 

I've also reached out to friends 

So I'm hoping to get back on track

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been caught up in The Hunger Games?

Do you think that anorexia can become a game of who is the sickest? 

What is your experience of this?

Answers on a post card please.....

Iron minds

A new show started on TV here last night

Called Iron Minds

The premise of the show is all about the correlation between physical and mental health

The show is presented by Niall Breslin

Better known as Bressie 

Bressie is the former lead singer of the band The Blizzards 

He is also a judge on the Irish The Voice

And has spoken out very publicly about his battle with depression and anxiety

Bressie is regarded as a well rounded individual here 

He also happens to be a 6'2 hunk which gets him a lot of female attention

But more than that 

He is just a really really sound guy

And genuinely wants to help others 

In recent years 

Bressie has turned to health and fitness to help him battle his demons

He runs, swims and cycles

Regularly competing in triathlons and Ironmans

To see if he could help others in the same position 

Bressie recruited four people from the four corners of Ireland

Orla 

Mark

Colm

And Jade

And put them through a series of endurance challenges 

All under the watchful eye of medical experts of course 

All the participants had varying degrees of mental illness 

Jade suffered from depression and tricotilamania 

Both the guys suffered from depression 

And Orla probably had the saddest story 

She had recently lost her Mum to cancer

And her sister to suicide 

She is also a single mother

Orla is actually from my area

She is a Pilates instructor

And attended the same yoga class I did last year

I never really said more than hello to her

But I remember my sister saying that she was a cold fish 

But it turns out she wasn't 

She was actually dealing with a hell of a lot

Her whole world was caving in 

And was probably going around in a complete haze 

It just goes to show 

You can't judge people 

As you just don't know what they are dealing with

Someone who appears unfriendly or distant or cold 

Might actually be going through the wars

Usually if someone is like that with me

I usually presume it's me they don't like or don't wAnt to talk to

But 

As I remind myself regularly 

It's not all about me 

This is a huge lesson

To make allowances for others 

You never know what is going on in their heads 

The four participants all had a base line of fitness

The all ran regularly 

And Mark was a former competitive cyclist 

So they weren't couch potatoes as such

At the beginning of the show

All four spoke about their illness

The crippling low moods 

The heavy feeling in their body

The weariness 

The feeling of being swamped by negative thoughts

I could relate to every word 

I thought they were so brave 

To go on national TV 

And talk about their deepest darkest issues 

It was clear that they all wanted to move forward 

And their strength and honesty shone through

First 

The participants were put through a fitness test 

They were also tested medically and psychologically 

And deemed fit and well to take part 

They were under the care of a team of professionals 

Nutritionists 

Psychologists 

Doctors 

And of course Bressie

Who was there for them every step of the way 

Then

The next challenge 

Was to swim in a body of open water 

Bressie brought them to a lake in the Midlands 

And had them swim 1km

They will all very anxious about the task 

But were determined to finish it

The two girls did well

And completed the swim first and second

The guys however 

Really struggled 

And one had a mini panic attack half way through the swim

Afterwards 

They had a mindfulness session 

And also cognitive behavioural therapy

Again

I was blown away by their willingness to talk so openly 

It really was inspiring

At one point in the show

Orla hit a real low point

And was struggling to cope

The psychologist visited her at home for a chat 

She spoke of how she was struggling to get over the death of her mother and sister 

She was asked if her mother was there 

What her mother would say to her

Orla replied that she would say

'Relax and enjoy it'

She was then asked if her sister was there, what Orla would say to her

She had one simple question 

'Why?

Why did you do it?

Why didn't you speak to one of us?

Why were you so proud?'

It was heartbreaking to watch 

A few weeks later 

And Bressie set their next task

To compete in a half Iron Man

Which comprised a 1km swim

A 20km bike ride

And a 5 km run

Again 

They were all extremely nervous 

But they had all trained hard 

And we're ready 

Brilliantly 

They all finished

With Jade coming first 

I could see they were on such a high

The feeling of accomplishment was clear to see on their faces 

I really enjoyed the show

And probably more so because I knew one of the participants 

I think the concept is a great idea

As I firmly believe there is a strong link between mental health and physical health

I can see it working in my own life 

I walk every day 

Lea especially is always keen to go for a walk 

And that's great for me

As some days it's hard to leave the house 

But I would never refuse my dogs a walk

I also started back swimming recently 

And go once or twice a week

I actually hate the thought of going swimming 

Having to organise myself to go

Getting in to the cold water 

And taking ages to warm up

But once I am there 

I really enjoy it

And I always feel great after pushing myself 

It's great for my mental health 

My confidence

Self esteem 

And it generally gives me a good feeling

I would also love to take up running

But my body doesn't seem to want to let me do that 

So I will stick to walking 

The show also showed 

How important it is to get out there and get stuck in to something 

Be that exercise

A support group

Volunteering 

Being around other people is good for us 

It takes us out of ourselves 

It's talking to others 

And getting out of our own heads 

It definitely helped me see that I need to do this more 

Get out of the house

Get involved in activities 

Meet people 

Learn new skills 

I am a loner at heart 

But I also love people 

So it's something to think about 

The show is on again next week

So I wil update you then

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you believe that there is a link between mental and physical health?

Have you seen that work in your own life?

Do you find that getting out and about helps you?

What role does exercise play in your life?

Inquiring minds want to know....