Friday, 4 March 2016

New piercing

I've had a tough couple of days
Yesterday I felt extremely angry
Which is unusual for me
I had a go at everyone
And was provoking my family to have a fight with me
Then I got really emotional and teary
My Mum and my sister were really concerned and thought something had happened 
But there we nothing wrong
At least nothing I could identify
I just felt so out of control
It was really scary
Especially not being able to attribute it to anything
But this morning
It all became clear
I got my period 
I was having PMP
Pre menstrual psychosis 
My Mum and sister said that I was being really irrational yesterday
Paranoid even 
It was horrible 

Today I was super excited 
As today was the day that I got my new piercing 
My sister and I travelled to the studio
Which is about half an hour from my house 
I was a little bit nervous 
Anticipating the pain
I figured it would be more painful than my nose
So I was trying to prepare myself 
There was a new piercer in the shop
Her name was Lorraine 
And she was lovely 
Very professional
But with a lovely way about her 
We chatted about my options 
And decided on a vertical bar through my lip
Lorraine prepared her tools 
And I sat on my hands 
So I wouldn't yank her hands away if it got too painful
It was all over very quickly 
But yes 
It was bloody sore 
I bled quite a bit too
And my lip swelled up nicely 
I looked in the mirror
And I have to admit 
It was a bit of a shock 
I wasn't expecting it to be so visible 
I thought the bar would be smaller 
But I do like 
My Mum and Dad are going to have a fit when they see it!

As I write this 
We are in the car on the way back
I keep checking my piercing 
Dabbing the blood away
I'll have to look after it carefully
And purging is out of the question altogether 

Enough with the words 
Here are the photos....

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Wednesday - My favourite day of the week!

And why is that I hear you ask
Wednesday is horse riding day
The day I look forward to all week long
My Dad is visiting for a couple of days 
And he wanted to see the equine centre
So he drove today
And my Mam and sister brought the dogs out
On the way 
We stopped at an ATM
So I could take out some money 
But no matter what amount I asked for
It kept saying 'Insifficient funds'
I immediately began to panic
My first thought was that my disability payment had been stopped for some reason
The social welfare office wasn't far away
But I decided to ring them instead
As I didn't want to be late for horse riding
I got through to a very helpful lady
Who informed me that there had been trouble with the banks 
And that the money should be in by tomorrow 
I was relieved that that's all it was
The last thing I need is for my disability to be cut 

We continued on 
And my Dad lent me the €15 for the lesson 
We arrived at 11 30am
Just in time 
I was on Star again
My bestie 
And today I was all on my own 
No one leading me 
Just me and Star
I loved it!
There was another horse in front of us 
And I think Star may have just been following him
But he did what I asked him to do
We trotted a lot
And generally had such great fun
The woman who does it with us said that I am flying it 
Which is nice to hear
I go feel very comfortable on the horse 
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid of falling 
And I can't wait until I start to canter 
And maybe do some little jumps
I can see how it helps with confidence 
As I already feel more comfortable on Star
And I hope he is at ease with me riding him
There are a few people around when we are riding 
And they are lovely 
I'm quiet 
It's obvious my confidence is low 
But I do my best to join in the chat 
It doesn't come naturally to me 
I'm sure it will get easier 
And I won't feel so crippled with anxiety
As ever 
The session was over far too quickly 
I paid 
And we headed off
We stopped off at the pet store on the way back
And picked up some doggy supplies 
Food and chewys 
Then hit the road for home

I'm always really tired after the horse riding 
But it's a nice tiredness
And my ass kills 
But again 
It's a nice pain
A pain where you know you've worked hard 
This really has the potential to be a life changer for me 
It's only my third week
And already I feel massive benefits 
It's better than any pill or potion
If I could just convince my Mam to get a horse.....

Tuesday, 1 March 2016


I'm just back from the local lunch time AA meeting
I'm actually really blessed where I live
Because it's a great base to get to a lot of different meetings
I love the lunch time ones
As waiting for the evening ones can make for a very long day
And the day time ones are a great way to kick off the day
I have to be honest though
More often than not
I am looking for excuses not to go
And don't really look forward to them 
When I do go
I am reminded why I need meetings 
I never regret going to a meeting 
And always feel really good afterwards
My first meeting ever 
Was in a detox ward when I was 19
I can still remember the warm and fuzzy feeling I had after the meeting 
That was 15 years ago
And since then I've been in and out of meetings more often than I care to remember 
I seem to stick to the following pattern 
I go to meetings 
I'm really enthusiastic and motivated 
I go to many in a week
And feel really good 
Then I start to pull away
To isolate 
And soon I have talked myself out of going to meetings at all 
So I go through months or years of not going 
Then I find my way back 
And the whole cycle starts again 

They say if you don't get AA
Eventually it will get you 
I also go to NA
So really I gave my pick of meetings 
The last time I was going to meetings 
I depended on one person
If they were going to a meeting 
I would go
And if they weren't going 
I wouldn't either 
I've learned it's not healthy to depend solely on one person
It's better to have many people 
A mixture of people 
And before 
I went to meetings for the wrong reasons 
I went to please others 
To get them off my back
I go because I want to go
Because I want to be clean and sober 
Because I want to be a better person m
And I want to stop hurting myself And others 
There is something very special about meetings 
Maybe it's the way people come together with a common goal 
Maybe it's the miracle that so many people have managed to stay clean and sober 
Maybe it's the energy of people wanting to recover 
Whatever it is 
It works 
And I need to stop fighting it
Stop digging my heels in 
And go with the process 
Easier said than done 

So yes 
I went to the lunch time meeting today
I didn't want to go
But my Mum offered to drive 
So I went 
The meeting is small but lovely 
I spoke last 
After the meeting 
A man came up to me 
And told me that I was doing great 
He told me to keep coming back 
And more will be revealed 
It was very nice of him
And he told me that before I know it
I will be helping others
I left the meeting on a high
High on life 
High on recovery 
Better than any drink or drug

What I took from today
Is that we need each other 
It's so important to connect with other people 
Especially those who are in the same position as we are
It's also important to have face to face connect 
Supporting each other through blogging is fantastic 
There is no doubt about that 
But we really need human contact too
We need to have a hug 
Have a chat over a cuppa 
And just be there for one another 
The world can be put to right over a cup of hot tea and a slice of cake 
The next time I don't want to go to a meeting 
I need to remember how good I am feeling right now 
And keep the momentum going 
I am feeling so grateful today 
Grateful to have AA in my life 
And to have friends within it
I'm grateful to be clean and sober
That my family are well
And in a good place 
I feel blessed to have this blog
And all of you my wonderful fellow bloggers
Life is good 
Life is sweet 
Let's live it to the best of our ability 

Monday, 29 February 2016

'Tell me why I don't like Mondays'

I can't quite believe how quickly the weeks are flying in
Monday seems to come around so very quickly
The days can be long 
But they don't be long adding up
As usual
I was in the doctors first thing this morning
Topics included
The Oscars
Making films 
Horses and how my doctor is afraid of them 
Last week 
It being EDAW
I told my doctor that I would bring him in something to read 
The something being the piece I wrote for the ED convention back in 2013
So I gave him said piece 
And told him it was something to read on his coffee break
He seemed excited to read it 
I don't know why I haven't given it to him before now 
I guess that piece is precious to me 
And my doctor being an avid reader 
I was worried about what he would think of it and my writing 
I haven't let many people read it
I mean yes
I read it out at the convention
And I have it up in my blog 
But they are strangers 
Letting people I know read it is another matter 
But anyway 
He has it now 
I'll be interested to see what he makes of it
From a medical point of view 
And from a literary point of view 
He took it from me 
And placed it beside his computer
As I left 
It was all I could do not to reach across him and snatch it back
And run out of the room
I think it might give him an insight in to the mind of a person with an ED
I mean of course he knows the medical side of things 
And I guess that's his job 
The head and mind stuff is up to the psych team 
He has it now 
It will be I interesting to see what he makes of it next week

After my weekly dose of doctor 
I headed up to the pharmacy 
Handed over my script 
Then decided to head over to the bank to see how little money I have for the week
I checked my balance 
Which was just enough to see me through the next few days 
Then began walking back to the pharmacy 
It was a bitterly cold morning 
With a sharp wind
I pulled my coat around me 
And took my gloves out of my pocket 
As I fought the wind 
And tried to put my gloves on 
I managed to drop one 
And it being a windy day
It took off down the street
I had no choice but to run after it
Every time I got close to it
It was whipped out of my grasp by the wind 
It was a wild goose chase
There I was sprinting down the street after my wayward glove
I got quite a few funny looks
I made a huge leap
Like an Olympic long jumper
And landed on the glove 
Feeling very pleased with myself that I had managed to catch it

In other news
I am getting my next piercing done on Friday 
My sister is going to come with me
And I am super excited!
I am think that getting my labret pierced is going to be much more painful than my nose 
But I am ready for it 
And anyway
The pain only lasts a second 
So I will pull up my big girl pants 
And suck it up
But I am really looking forward to getting it done
It's like buying a new item of clothing 
Something to make me feel good about myself 
My poor Mother is horrified at the prospect of another piercing 
She pleads with me not to get it done 
I tell her she will get used to it 
Just like my nose 
She said that she tolerates my nose ring at best 
Like a typical mother 
She says to me 
'You're going to ruin your beautiful face'
But I feel it will enhance my face 
And make for an interesting feature to my face 
Like a feature wall in a living room
Or something to that effect

I am becoming increasingly worried about my teeth 
As you know 
I had a lot of very labour intensive and expensive work done on my teeth last year 
And because my purging has increased again in recent months 
I fear my teeth may fall in to ruin
Just like my real teeth did
Every time I purge 
I promise myself that this will be the last time 
But it never is 
I continue to purge 
To put my body under huge stress
And my teeth being washed with stomach acid 
Every time I throw up
It's a worry
And a huge incentive to stop purging
But like any addiction
It's nigh on impossible to stop
I need to do it though 
Before it damn well kills me 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
If you have experienced bulimia
What helped you to stop purging?
How did you stop?
And how did you stay stopped?
Any tips or advice much appreciated....

Friday, 26 February 2016

Storm in a C cup and other stories.....

Remember back when I got my chest measured properly in a proper bra shop?
My first time ever to be correctly measured
And Remember I was told I was a 34 DD?
And I could barely believe it
Remember how I bought two very grown up proper bras?
And I was quite proud of my assets
Said bras no longer fit me 
Which makes me sad
Why is it 
That when ever I lose weight
I lose if from the areas that need it most 
My boobs
My bum 
And always lose it from places that I don't want to
Like my face 
Id say I am now a 32 C 
Going by how the bras fit 
I've also been going through my wardrobe
And trying on clothes to see what fits 
And what doesn't
I have so many lovely items 
That are now way too big for me
And that is a damn shame 
As well as an incentive to gain a little 
My weight has stayed static for the last month 
I've neither lost nor gained 
And my BMI hovers around the same number 
But the truth is 
I can afford to gain a few kilos 
And still be pretty slim 
Weight loss just isn't important at the moment 

I rang my local piercing studio today
To inquire about getting my labret done 
The piercer is only there on a Friday 
So I'm going to go for it 
I think it's time 
Time for another piercing 
I love my nose ring 
I think it adds something interesting to my face 
My Mum hates it
And is pleading with me not to get another one 
But it's falling on deaf ears 
I just really want to get it done 
I also inquired about getting wings tattooed on my shoulder blades
The girl I spoke to estimated it would cost around €300
So I won't be getting that done any time soon
It's something to think about 
And to look forward to

For me 
Recovery is finding healthy ways to meet the needs that drugs met
Self esteem 
All the things that drugs provide 
For a while at least
So I guess my meetings 
Horse riding 
And my dogs 
All fulfil these needs 
And even better than drugs and alcohol and my ED did
And of course 
The fun thing is
That I can find more and more activities to make me feel content and happy
I can try new things 
Learn new things 
Meet new people 
The possibilities are endless!
Recovery means freedom
Free from the chains that my ED and addiction held me in
It means feeling free to eat 
To enjoy it
And to keep it down 
Recovery means eating until I am full
Not over or under eating
It means allowing myself to eat a rich and varied diet 
And not feel guilty 
Recovery means allowing my body to find its own natural set point 
And not constantly trying to lose weight and be smaller 
Recovery means peace of mind 
It means I am enough 
Just the way I am
Not looking for others approval 
It means knowing that I am a good person
And I am doing the best that I can
Recovery means really living life 
Laughing until you cry 
Late nights watching movies with my mum and sister 
It means eating food At the table 
And having a conversation 
Recovery means feeling the fear and doing it anyway 
And knowing that I will feel great afterwards 
It means being happy in my own company 
But being sociable when I want to 
It means helping others through my story and my writing 
It means passing on recovery to others 
And sharing what helps 
And what works 
Recovery means asking for help when we need it
Talking it out over a cuppa and a slice of cake
It means feeling good enough
And not lesser or better than anyone else 
It means finding things that you love 
Whatever that may be 
Recovery means choosing to live

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
What does recovery mean to you?
Are you in recovery?
Is it everything you thought it would be?
What are the best and worst parts about recovery
Answers on a postcard please.....

Thursday, 25 February 2016

'We never go out of style'

When it comes to clothes and shoes and accessories 
I like to think that I have my own little style going on
As you know
I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl 
I am partial to a little skirt or dress from time to time 
 But most of the time 
I wear whatever feels right for that day
Comfort is the number one thing for me 
If I'm not comfortable in an item
I won't wear it
But these days 
It's a lot easier to be true to your own style and be comfortable 
I remember growing up in my teenage years 
Trying to find out what I was all about 
Who I was 
And how I fit in to the world amongst my peers 
I tried all sorts of styles 
Urban hippy 
But I never felt comfortable in any of them
Then of course came the drug years 
So clothes were not on my radar at all 
It was only when I got clean
That I began to express an interest in clothes and how I looked 
For the first time in my life
I began to care about how I presented myself to the world 
What sort of message I was conveying through my clothes and appearance 
I discovered that I liked the surfer look
Cool hoodies 
Boyfriend jeans 
And different types of trainers 
Even though I have never in my life even touched a surf board 
I still love the style 
It's laid back 
And above all

Foot wear is the same too
Comfort is paramount 
I a size 5 
Pretty average for my height 
I tend to wear mostly flats 
And only wear heels on a special occasion 
I love trainers 
Roxy being my favourite 
I also love Toms 
Which are little canvas slipons 
Great for the dry warm weather of summer 
I also love New Balance trainers 
Which are very popular at the moment 

The nearest good shopping town  to me is a couple of hours away
Our town has really sufferered as a result of the recession 
So many shops have closed down 
In some parts 
It's like a ghost town
Most of the time 
I do my shopping online 
As it's just so handy 
These days I can't afford many new clothes 
But I'm always on the look out for a good bargain

I'm not really a jewellery person 
But I do like silver 
And have a beautiful cameo pendant that my Dad gave me for my birthday one year
I used to wear a ring on every finger
Now I don't wear any 
Not even a watch 
I just don't like the feel of it
And I inevitably end up losing it also
I am not really in to perfume either 
I mean I like a nice scent 
But it's not something I would ever buy for myself 
I do like a pretty scarf 
But in regard to make up
I am hopeless with it
I don't wear it very often 
Mans when I do 
It is often applied badly 
It's something that I would love to learn more about 
To be able to make the most of my face 
Some people are great at that 
I however, am somewhat handicapped in that area
I am hating my hair at the moment 
I am thinking about dyeing it a nice chestnut brown 
Or else going for a really cropped blonde look
I just feel like something different 
A change 
To shake things up a bit

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
Are you a dedicated follower of fashion?
How would you describe your style?
What are your go to outfits?
What else do you do to enhance your appearance?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Wednesday, 24 February 2016


I'm just on my way home from my second horse riding lesson
I've been looking forward to it all week
My Mum drove today
The morning was frosty 
So we had to take a bit of a detour to get to the stables
The lesson was at 11 30am
So we left out house at 10 15am
And arrived just in time 
I was in with a group this week 
As opposed to last week
When it was a one on one session
Before we got saddled up
My Mum and I took a little walk around 
There was a beautiful miniature horse
I completely forgot to take a photo of him 
But he was just adorable 
Then it was my turn 
I was riding Star again today 
He is fast becoming my bestie
This week we mostly trotted 
And I was let go on my own 
I felt more confident this week 
It is just so enjoyable 
And there is a lovely atmosphere there 
People come 
And leave their troubles at the door
Have the craic
And forget about real life for a while 
was a bit quieter today 
I always am around new people 
But I tried my best to be sociable and pleasant 
I'm hoping as I do more sessions 
That my confidence will grow 
Both around people 
And around the horses

Having something to look forward to 
Makes a huge difference to my whole world 
With out something you enjoy
What is the point of life?
And we make a day of it on a Wednesday 
After horse riding 
We go in to town
And go for something to eat 
Or do some shopping 
As I was leaving the stables today
Ailish, the lady in charge 
Said that if I ever want to hang around for a couple of hours
I can help them around the stables
I was delighted to hear this 
As it's something I would just love to do
Spending time with horses?
I don't need to be asked twice 
And now the weather is improving a bit 
It makes it a lot easier 
That's another thing to look forward to

It seems like things are beginning to fall in to place for me
I can remember as recently as Christmas feeling so very lost
I just didn't know where I was going 
Or what I was doing 
I remember my Mum saying to me one day 
That I looked like a lost soul
They was exactly the way I felt 
But now 
Now things are starting to turn around for me
Slowly but surely
As usual 
My bulimia is holding me back 
If I could just get the purging under control
I might have a fighting chance
I feel like I have a lot to live for now 
I'm building my own little life 
Doing my own little thing 
I used to always wait for people to suggest things 
Like going swimming 
Or going in to town 
I didn't have the confidence to do my own thing 
As I didn't think it counted if I suggested it 
I didn't think my opinion it thoughts mattered 
I guess being the youngest of four
I have always just fallen in with my older siblings 
And did what they did 
Now that I am fully grown adult 
The habits of a life time are hard to change 
I still tend to follow their lead 
But more and more 
I am finding my own occupation
My own hobbies and interests 
My own life 

Breda often speaks to me about self care 
You know 
Doing things for yourself 
To mind yourself 
To care for yourself 
Things you enjoy 
I am just starting to see how important that is now
Because now I have my own little thing going on
I have the horse riding 
My upcoming job
And meetings 
The last time I went to meetings 
I kind of depended on one person
If they were going to the meeting 
I would go 
But if they weren't 
I wouldn't go either
This time I'm trying to mix with many people 
So I'm not tied to the one person
And it feels so much better not to be dependent on anyone 
I go to my meetings 
I talk to everyone 
I go out of my way to speak to people who I usually wouldn't meet 
I suggest other meetings to go to
Next Monday
Myself and two of the ladies are going to a lunch time meeting up north
So I'm looking forward to that too

As I type this 
I am sitting in a car park outside a supermarket 
Waiting for my Mum who has gone to the bank
I feel content 
I feel like I did something really good for myself today 
Something I enjoyed 
And is food for the soul 
I feel happy that I got out of the house 
That I got up early
Walked the dogs 
Got dressed
And headed to the equestrian centre 
Now I am heading home 
And I feel a warm glow inside
And that my friends
Is priceless...