The show, the hospital and a very long day....

I bring you this post from a hospital bed in my local hospital

A very tired and weak Ruby

Yesterday started out great

My Dad, my nephew, my sister and I

All set off for the horse show at 9 30am

And arrived at the centre just after half ten

The place was a hive of activity 

And I was super nervous from the start

I changed in to my horsey garb

And took a seat to watch the show start

I knew very little about the show itself 

I deliberately didn't ask any questions 

As I figured that ignorance was bliss

There was a guy from my class there 

Fintan

And he was riding in the same category as me

All in all there were seven of us 

I had feared that they would all be children

But they were in fact all adults

Some people were taking it very seriously altogether

And arrived dressed and done up to the nines 

A few people had even brought their own horses 

There were some really beautiful ones 

I was on at about 12pm

I was super nervous from the start 

And I just couldn't wait for it to be over 

Eilish gave me some last minute words of advice 

And before I knew it

It was time to go

I knew one thing though

I knew Star wouldn't let me down

I mounted him 

Took my whip and Eilish gave me the nod to begin

Thankfully Star began trotting with no bother 

And we were off

From the start 

Stars pace was great

He was moving so lovely 

We made our way around the course

Trying to be as neat and precise as possible 

I was trying so hard to keep my shoulders down and my back straight

I swear it was hard work

It looks so easy 

And it seems the horse is doing all the work

But it's tough on the legs 

And your breathing 

Before I knew it 

My test was over 

And I finished up in the centre 

And bowed to the judges

I looked up

And all I could see was Fintan giving me a huge thumbs up

Eilish was super excited 

She gave me a big hug

And said it was the best I've ever done it

I was wrecked 

But I felt it went well

I dismounted Star 

And went to speak to my family 

Who were all delighted for me

Then we had to wait for about half an hour to get the results 

So we all got a cup of tea and chilled out 

As I was drinking tea

I noticed a pain was developing in my upper abdomen 

I ignored it at first 

The pain was bearable 

So I didn't give it too much thought

Then Eilish came over with a huge smile on her face 

I came fourth out of seven!

I was really delighted as all the riders in my group were experienced 

And it just felt so good not to come last 

Fintan came first 

And I was so happy for him

He truly deserved it

To be honest 

I couldn't enjoy the moment fully 

As the pain in my stomach was getting worse 

But I pushed it to the back of my mind 

After taking some photos 

We headed for home 

I told my Dad about the pain

And also my sister 

It felt suspiciously like the pancreatitis pain

But I was just praying it wasn't 

We arrived home about 2pm

Mam is laid up obviously with her foot

So my other sister stayed with her today 

I told Mam about the pain

She strongly suggested that I didn't wait for it to get worse 

And to head in to A&E

That was really the last thing I wanted to do 

But as the pain got worse 

I knew I had little or no choice

So I packed a bag of essentials 

And my sister and I headed off again

We arrived in A&E

And it was busy 

I registered and took a seat

And then the waiting game began 

Which is a bit of a nightmare when you are in pain 

About an hour later 

The triage nurse saw me

She asked the standard routine questions 

About my ED 

My addiction

My meds

She took my blood pressure which was normal

As was my temperature and blood sugars

Then I was sent out to wait some more 

A whole two hours later 

I was finally called to see the doctor 

I was given a room of my own 

Which has its disadvantages and advantages 

The doctor came 

More questions 

More examinations 

Blood taken

Then had to wait for the results 

Which took another hour and a half 

Eventually he came back to me

They measure the amylase in the blood

Normal is 100

Mine was 330

So they suspect my pancreas in inflamed 

I was both relieved and annoyed with this result 

Part of me was hoping that I had over reacted 

And it wasn't my pancreas at all

But deep down 

I think I knew it was 

I always know

You can't mistake that pain

The waiting went on and on

And my poor sister who had just got back from her stint in hospital with mum, was really starting to flag

I kept trying to convince her to go home

And at 11 30pm

She relented 

And dragged her weary body back to the house 

At 12am 

When I still couldn't sleep 

I asked for a sleeping tablet 

A request that was flatly refused

They were being very stingy with the meds on this admission

Usually I get morphine as standard 

But this time I only got paracetamol 

Very disappointing 

Anyway 

That's not my call to make 

For the next couple of hours 

I slept fitfully

Then at 2am

A porter woke me up to take me to a ward 

Turns out I was in the same ward as last time

And I recognised the nurses straight away

One of them took me in to a little side room

To do my vitals 

She also weighed me

But the less said about that the better 

Then I was taken down to my room

I was so glad to just relax and settle in

Again I asked for a sleep tablet 

And this time I was successful

I read  for a few minutes

Before I felt the meds kick in

And I drifted off to sleep

So here I am 

It's morning 

And I'm just waiting for the doctor to do his rounds 

I'm pretty much fed up to be in hospital

When I'm needed at home 

But isn't this just always the way life happens?

The Toe, The show and other stories

My mother had her surgery yesterday 

My sister brought her to Dublin on Thursday 

And the operation happened early yesterday morning

My Dad stayed here while they were away

And we busied ourselves cooking and cleaning 

And generally making the house nice and comfortable for her

They arrived home today late afternoon

Mums foot is bandaged tightly 

And she has to wear an orthopaedic sandal

We helped her in to the house 

And on to the couch

The general anaesthetic has made her very ill last night 

So she just had tea and toast and water 

We sat and chatted for a while 

Mum told is all about the hospital and the staff who were nothing short of brilliant

Then I helped her put away her things 

And in to her pyjamas 

She's not as incapacitated as I thought she would be 

She can use crutches 

And get to the bathroom ok

But she needs to help changing her clothes and things like that 

So right now me and mum are in the living room 

She is relaxing 

And I am blogging 

She will need a lot of looking after for the foreseeable future

But I don't mind one little bit 

She has often done it for me

Mums operation has been a great distraction for me 

Given what is happening tomorrow 

The show in my equestrian centre

The dressage show to be more precise 

Myself and Star are making our debut!

I can't lie 

I am nervous 

I really don't know what to expect of the show 

I'm hoping there won't be too many people there 

As lots of people make me anxious 

I basically have to do a routine with Star 

There are different letters around the arena 

And you walk or trot depending on the instructions 

All in all 

I've only done the full course about five times 

And I definitely dont know the course of by heart 

But look

I will give it a go 

It will be fun

And good experience for me 

Myself and Star are building a nice little relationship 

And he has started to co-operate with me 

Which is great 

So I spent the evening getting my clothes  ready for tomorrow 

Eilish gave me some proper riding boots

Which I cleaned up 

I'm wearing olive coloured trousers

A grey top

And a grey fitted jacket

So hopefully I will look the part

Anyway 

I'm off to have dinner

Wish me luck tomorrow!

I promise beaucoup de photos....

Z is for Zodiac!

And so we have reached the end of the A-Z Challenge 

I actually Googled words beginning with Z

And zodiac immediately jumped out at me 

I was born in early September 

So I am a Virgo

According to the zodiac

Virgos are perfectionists 

Practical 

Efficient 

If you want something something done 

And done well

Ask a virgo

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac to be exact

And that's they way virgos like it: exacting 

I am forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical

But our attention to detail is for a reason

To help others 

Virgos more than any other sign, were born to serve 

And it gives us great joy 

We are tailor made for the job

As we are industrious, methodical and efficient 

My sister is always slagging me how I do everything in fast forward 

As quick and efficiently as possible

Our sense of duty is great

And ensures that we will always work for the greater good 

Virgo is represented by the Virgin

Although this association should not be taken literally 

We tend to take on some the qualities of the Virgin

Things like modesty and humanity 

Some might consider us repressed

Although Virgos would argue that it is a noble quality 

As opposed to a negative one 

As a Virgo

My brain is in overdrive most of the time 

Which is why we get so much done 

Virgos are able communicators

And use their mental strength to maximum advantage 

All of this brainpower can make Virgos prone to skepticism 

And can even lead to the type of overthinking that can lead to over kill 

Virgos enjoy studying a situation in great detail 

Whether it's in work, a project or relationship 

We are truly interested in understanding things 

Virgos are also neat and clean, reliable, and practical and oh so useful to have around 

The element associated with the sign Virgo is earth

And in keeping with that

Most Virgos are grounded, salt of the earth types

Virgos do enjoy material possessions and are picky about what they bring in to their lives

While Virgos can be worriers 

We do our best to temper these impulses 

However 

If left unchecked this nervousness can lead to hypochondria 

For that reason Virgos are extremely health conscious 

And many choose a health or medical career 

When it comes to love, Virgos are able to loosen up somewhat 

And are devoted to their partners 

Even if they can be a bit jealous 

The great strengths of the Virgo is in their practicality, sharp mind and attention to detail

With all that said

I was wondering about you 

What star sign are you?

Are you a typical one?

Do you read star signs?

Do you believe them?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Y is for You!

And so we are on the home straight

Only two letters left

I'm so glad to be almost finished this challenge

I am notorious for starting things

And being all enthusiastic for the first ten minutes

Then my energy gives out

And I promptly give said activity up

So completing this challenge is great for me 

To actually see something through until the end 

No matter how hard it gets 

So yes

Y is for You

As in being yourself 

In your full

Technicolor 

Bat shit crazy way

It's taken me a long time to be comfortable being myself 

And I'm still a work in progress 

Today for example 

I was walking down my road 

With my dogs 

And I looked down and realised that my trousers were on back to front 

A few years ago 

If that happened to me

I would have been mortified

But today 

I had a little chuckle to myself 

And carried on walking

Not giving a hoot who saw me

I mean 

In the grand scheme of things 

Who actually cares?

Not me anyway

I guess we have different faces for different situations 

Our work persona

Family persona 

Girlfriend persona 

Sibling persona 

We wear many hats 

So being ourselves is a real treat

I covered up my true self for so long 

That it becomes hard to even identify your true self 

And isn't it so liberating to be around someone who is completely at ease within themselves?

I find that I get on with some people and some People not so much

But that's life 

You can't like every one

And everyone can't like you

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in

Trying to be part of the 'cool kids'

At school 

Fitting in seemed the be all and end all

But then I grew up and realised that it's more fun to be different 

And not to follow the crowd 

As an adult 

We can seek out others like us if we want 

There is always someone who will get us 

Understand us 

Even when the majority of the population doesn't 

Being yourself is so important I think

Because pretending to be someone you're not is exhausting 

I've been there 

It's not fun

In fact it's soul destroying 

I am happy to be me 

I'm doing ok

Given what I've been through

I'm not doing too badly at all

I try to be a good person

I do my best to be a person of integrity 

Yes

I've made a lot of mistakes over the years 

But I've learned a lot too

And I'm now in a good place 

The best I've been in a long time 

I want to maintain that 

And live my life 

As well as I can 

I enjoy being me 

I am curious 

Inquisitive 

I have a big heart 

And lots of love to give 

We as people 

And as women 

Should be ourselves 

We are bright 

Talented 

We have so much to offer 

We are the next generation

The future 

The planet is in safe hands 

Do you think It's important to be yourself?

X is for X Chromosome!

Shout out

And a big thank you to Julia

Who suggested X chromosome for the letter X

You are on the ball today Julia

Great suggestion

And it means I get to write about the women in my life

I am blessed to have some amazing and strong women in my life

I often write about my mother

And what a rock of support and love she is 

For a little woman

She is the strongest person I know

When she was my age 

She already had four children

Three girls and a boy 

She lived with an alcoholic husband up until the year 2001

Then three of her children developed addiction and mental health issues

Yes

She has been through the mill

And she did it with the grace and elegance that always surrounds her

In recovery 

I have become very close to my mother

And she never ceases to amaze me 

She is super smart

An avid reader

She can hold a conversation with the best of them

But she is humble with it

She doesn't judge

She doesn't discriminate

People are drawn to her

Like moths to a flame 

She leads a very active life 

Even though she is retired

She has many friends 

And is always doing something

And going somewhere

She has always supported me

As I have often said 

If love and support could have made me well

I would have recovered a long time ago

She has never given up on me 

And has gone to extreme lengths to help me over the years 

I moved back in with my mum ten years ago

And I love it 

I love spending time with her 

I love doing things with her

She is interesting and interested

If I grow up to be half the woman she is 

I will be doing pretty well

I also have two sisters 

Who like me

Struggle with life 

My sisters are also strong independent women 

And people I look up to 

Again

They are super intelligent 

And bags of common sense

Something I struggle with

I am lucky to have such great sisters 

Then there are the professionals

As you know 

I started seeing Mary a few years ago

And have been seeing her on and off since then 

From the start

She has been a constant support

We clicked straight away

And she is so knowledgeable about EDs and life in general

I actually saw Mary earlier today

It was great to be able to tell her how well things are going 

She reminded me of the first time I met her 

And how far I have come

She regularly mentions the conference I spoke at

And the amazing feedback mine and my mothers speech got 

Today 

She brought up the subject of discharge 

I am nervous to let Mary go

So we decided I would see her once a month from now on

And see how we go from there 

This is good 

It's all good

I will miss Mary 

But I know I can ring her anytime 

And I know it's time to move on

To spread my wings and fly 

The other professional in my life is Breda

I started seeing Breda over a year ago 

After I relapsed

I liked her from the start

She is no nonsense 

Practical

Sound 

On the ball

Full of good advice

I have seen many addiction counsellors over the years

And Breda is by far the best 

I see her about every three weeks

And even though I am now very much clean and sober 

It's no harm to keep going to see her

I love being a female 

A strong, recovering female 

And am surrounded by such brilliant women 

No offence to men 

But we are the movers and shakers of this world 

You've heard the saying 

Behind every great man

Is a great woman

I think this is so true 

I am proud

Proud to be a woman

And proud of the fellow women around me

And you 

My beautiful blogger family 

I know the vast majority of you are female 

And you have become part of my story 

You have been such a support to me over the years 

This blog has been a life line 

And I feel so blessed to have met some incredible women from all over the world 

Yes 

We are strong 

We are independent 

We are learning 

Growing 

Thriving 

And blossoming 

They say at the meetings 

That women should stick together 

And the men too

I agree with this 

As there is no agenda with a fellow woman 

Well I guess there could be

But most of the time there's not 

So this post is dedicated to you 

My blogger family 

And I don't write thdt flippantly 

You are like family to me 

X is for?

I'm struggling to think of a word for X

Any ideas out there....?

W is for weight!

Another ED related post

But there aren't a whole lot of words beginning with W

So weight it is

And it is topical 

Given my last post

First

I want to thank you all for your valued feed back on my last post

I know you all have my best interests at heart

And I really appreciate that

I've decided not to go ahead with the media company

It just didn't feel right

It almost felt like the photos I provided weren't shocking enough

And that is really sad

I could go ahead and share the ones of me in my underwear 

But they are so very personal

I just don't feel at all comfortable with it

You all made some really good points about the story they wanted to run

Emaciated girl gets healthy is a popular theme 

The before and after 

The shocking and the victory 

From illness to recovery 

That story has been told a million times

What about the majority of sufferers who are not underweight?

And who have never been physically compromised

That story is almost never told

Because it's not sensational

There are no emaciated bodies

No pointy bones 

Or sharp angles 

The story of say the girl with bulimia

Who is a healthy weight 

Just doesn't capture the attention of an audience 

But as you wrote yesterday 

It's that story that needs to be told

So people are aware that EDs come in all shapes and sizes

Not just super skinny

I have stopped weighing myself 

My scales broke 

And I was weighing in my doctors surgery on a Monday

But I've stopped doing that now

Why?

Because it doesn't matter 

The number does not matter 

All I'm concerned about 

Is that I feel good

I feel strong 

I feel capable and able

My clothes fit

My hair and nails and skin are healthy

Unless I drastically lose or put on weight

I am not going to worry about it 

And you know what?

It is the best feeling in the world 

Letting go of that pressure and control

I feel like a weight has been lifted off me

Now I have so much to stay healthy for

So much to live for

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic/bulimic/addict

I am in recovery 

I am a work in progress

I am letting go of the ties that bound me

Drugs 

Alcohol

Cigarettes 

Unhealthy food habits

I was at a meeting yesterday

And after it

Someone came up to me

And said that it was really good listening to me

That made my day

Because now I feel I have something to offer the world 

I feel I can help others 

Be a good person 

And spread a message of hope

Because there is hope

There is always hope 

I feel so blessed for what I have in my life 

My family 

My dogs 

My friends 

I have such good and strong people around me 

I know I am more fortunate than most 

If you do one thing today

I urge you to recognise the good things in your life 

The people 

The pets 

The family and friends 

As ED sufferers 

We are so hard on ourselves 

It's time we have ourselves a break

And look to the positives in our lives

Weight has absolutely no correlation to happiness 

If it did 

Then I would have been deliriously happy at my lowest weight 

I wasn't 

Happiness is not a number

It's a state of mind