R

As you know by now
Monday is doctor day for me
Being on a methadone programme
I have to see my doctor weekly
I'm also supposed to be drug tested every week
But my doctor rarely does this anymore
As I have been clean for quite a while
I really don't like the drug test
My doctor produces a little plastic cup
With a tester inbuilt in to it
I retreat to the bathroom
And try and aim so I get enough pee in the cup
This is harder than you may think
Then I bring the cup back in
And my doctor reads the test
Obviously
The test should read negative for opiates, benzos and  amphetamines
And positive for methadone
Even though I know that my test is going to be ok
I still get nervous
There is nothing worse than having to walk in to my doctor
And tell him that I've used
I  hate to disappoint him
As he has gone out of his way to help me over the years

Anyway
My appointment was unusually  late this morning
As my doctor seems to be in much demand these days
I walked in to the waiting room
Checked in at reception
And walked over to get a magazine to read while I waited
As I was flicking through them
I heard a deep voice say 'Hello'
I looked up
And saw I man I recognized from the NA meetings I used to go to
He was no someone that I happy to see
This man
Who I will call R
Is a bit of a handful
He can be very intrusive
And once he starts talking
It's very difficult to get a way from
I've been to meeting where he attended
And the whole thing descended in to chaos
I've seem him take off his shoes and socks at meetings
I've seen him really annoy people
I've seen him make a woman cry he was harassing her so much
He just has no concept of boundaries
And says really inappropriate things to every one and everyone

Everyone in the town knows R
And most people try to avoid him
I mean he is harmless
He wouldn't hurt a fly
He is a dyed in the wool hippie type
He once lived in a forest that the government were trying to build a motor way through
He is gentle
But hard to handle

I said hello back to him
And he got up and walked over to me
'Jesus you're looking well' he exclaimed
'You've put on weight'
I said nothing
'You looked like you were one of those anorexics or bulimics'
I just stood there open mouthed
Aware that the whole room could hear him and heads were turning
'Are you one of those people that thinks they're fat?' he asked
I didn't know what to say
He just kept talking
'Do you look in the mirror and think you are fat?
He had absolutely no comprehension that what he was saying was totally and utterly inappropriate
And I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable
'I have to go' I said
And walked over to the other room
I saw him leave
And I breathed a sigh of relief

I settled myself in my seat and read my magazine
A few minutes later
He came back in to the waiting room
I kept my head down
And prayed he wouldn't come over to me
Out of the corner of my eye
I saw him sit beside a man
And started talking to him
But then the man was called in
So I immediately got up and went to the little waiting room beside my doctor's room
I saw R leave the surgery again

My doctor called me in
I explained why I wasn't in the usual waiting room
'I was trying to escape from R' I said
'Oh R' he said
He knew who I was talking about straight away
I told my doctor what he said to me
He agreed that it was totally inappropriate
And crossed so many boundaries
Thankfully I was able to laugh about it
And even though it was uncomfortable
It didn't upset me

However
It does raise the issue about commenting on people's weight
I make it a point never to comment someone's weight
You just don't know how they are going to take it
I know that I have stored every comment that was ever made about my weight in the  back of my head under the file 'Self hatred'
I get that people want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
And that I look better
But don't go for the jugular and tell me that I've gained weight
I know that already
I live in my body every day
Do you really think I hadn't noticed?
So please general public
Avoid the weight comments
Tell me my hair is nice
Tell my my clothes are pretty
That my eyes look bright
But please don't address the size of my body
It has nothing to do with anything

I was wondering about you
How do you take weight comments?
Are you yay or nay when it comes to those comments?
Does it bother you when someone comments on your weight?

Update 2 November

Hello friends
I feel this is the first time this week that I have properly sat down and caught up on blogs
I even feel that I have been neglecting my own blog
Usually I post every single day
Usually I always have things that I can't wait to write about
And I'm on the computer first thing every morning
For some reason
This week
It's been hard
I've kind of deliberately stayed away
I guess there are a few reasons for this

First
I just haven't felt like I have anything of importance to say
About my ED
About recovery
About life

Second
Now that I am feeling a bit better
And I am actually feeling my feelings
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the girls suffering here on blogger
For every recovery blog
There are 10 girls who are in the midst of a battle with their ED
It can become too much sometimes
And I can't stand to see so many beautiful and talented girls held captive by this cruel illness
It's upsetting
I feel helpless
Sometimes I feel hopeless
I used to tell myself that I my blog was helping people
That I was making a difference
In helping to fight this battle against EDs
But now I'm not so sure

I read an article last week
About how younger and younger children are becoming eating disordered
I despaired after reading it
I really felt like 'What is the point?'
What is the point in fighting
What is the point in any of this
It's really disheartening when it seems that more people want to read about my demise
Rather than my recovery
Why is that?

I have thought about starting a new blog
A clean slate
But I have done that before
Twice I have started new blogs over on Wordpress
And twice I came back to And then she disappeared
I always come back
Because this blog means something to me
It feels like home
And you all feel like family
This blog has documented my life for the past two and a half years
Every little detail has been recorded here
To walk away from that in unthinkable

I guess I am going  through a transition
My body
My mind
I am not quite free of my ED
And no where near recovered
Every day I ask my Mother am I fat
Every day she says no
But I am not convinced
I look back on the photos that I posted this week
And I barely recognize myself
It's disconcerting
I flip between hating my body
To, on a good day, being able to accept it
Weighing is out of the question at the moment
I can barely look in the mirror
Never mind stand on a scale

My Mother keeps telling me to be patient
To hang in there
That I am doing all the right things
And my body will find it's own set point
I'm trying
I am
It's hard
But I know it will be worth it
It has to be

I have another worry that's playing on my mind
My darling little dog Honey seems to be developing eye trouble
Last week we noticed a cloud on her left eye
I brought her to the vet
At first she thought it was a cataract
Which can cause blindness
There is an operation that can be done
But it costs thousands
Then when the vet looked at Honey;s eye with a light
She wasn't so sure
So I don't really know what is wrong with Honey
And not knowing is wrecking my head
The vet gave me drops to put in her eyes three times a day
Honey is not impressed with that
But Honey is a tough cookie
She is a bad ass
It will take more than this to beat her
She is stubborn just like me
A force to be reckoned with
I guess it reminds me that my dogs are getting older
And they won't be around forever
I can't imagine life without Honey and Lea
But I can't think about that
All I can do is enjoy them now

Here are some photos of my faithful friend Honey

Clothes Post # 6

Another day
Another spending spree
No really
I do need new clothes
I have wardrobe full of beautiful but tiny clothes
And gradually I am replacing them
I wish I could tell you that I have plans to get rid of my anorectic clothes
But I don't
I can't even entertain the possibility at the moment
And that's ok
I will get there

As you know I am a hoody and jeans kind of girl
When I was very thin
I was a leggings and long top/skirt girl
I love clothes
But being comfortable comes first
I have two sets of clothes
One for the house
Because I am down on the floor with the dogs
And so usually wear a track suit or leggings
Then when I venture out
I try to look a bit more presentable

I bought the following clothes from Superdry
I think I am single handedly keeping them in business at the moment
Their clothes are pricey
But good quality
And super comfortable
Plus these tops have some shiny stuff on them
Oooooh shiny stuff
So here they are.........

Long sleeve navy top with glittery pocket - Superdry

Navy sweatshirt with glittery writing -Superdry

Photos

Against my better judgement
I am going to share some photos with you today
Please know that I know I look stupid
I know I look silly
These photos are totally unflattering
And I  am becoming quite the heffer
I just wanted to show them as they might give you a laugh today

My sister and I do yoga on a Friday morning
This morning we were messing about trying to do the different poses
I wanted my sister to take a photo of me in the mountain pose (Think that's what it's called, please correct me if I am wrong)
But of course I got a fit of the giggles
And couldn't do the damn thing
I didn't realize that my sister was happily taking photos of me in less than becoming poses
Here are some of said photos
Hope they give you a giggle........

Let me get in to the zone

Lea think I am nuts
She is probably right

Take 2

Come on body, work with me!

Oh for God's sake
This is too much like hard work

Yay!!

Later that day sans giggle

17 Effects of bulimia on the body

Maggie over at Healthline contacted me about this article
It is about 17 effects of bulimia on the body
I found it very interesting
I hope you do too

17 Effects of bulimia on the body

Counsellors and cataracts

As you know
I see my doctor every Monday
However this Monday was a bank holiday
So I saw the doctor yesterday instead
My own doctor was off
So I saw Nice Woman Doctor instead
She asked me how I was
I told her that things have improved
But I still struggle with aspects of the disorder
I also told her that I am convinced that I am over weight
'That's natural' she said
'You were so underweight for so long'
'To anyone looking at you from the outside, you look fantastic
And it's not just your shape, it's your eyes
They look alive now'
A lot of people have said that to me
That my eyes look so different
I guess it's nice to hear

I told her that Mary is now gone
And asked if there was any counselling or therapy I could avail of
She said there were a couple of options
I could either get general counselling straight away
Or go on the waiting list for a woman in the next town
I was delighted when she said this woman's name
As I used to see her a few years ago
And found her very helpful
I can't remember why I stopped seeing her
Probably because I went in to treatment
She was great
She has a really holistic approach
Which I love
So I went for that option
It's great to know that I will have some body to talk to
Just to help me sort things out in my head

On a different note
We noticed last week that one of Honey's eyes is very cloudy
So we brought her to the vet today
At first the vet thought that it was a cataract
Which was bad news because of it spreads to the other eye
It can cause blindness
I was really upset when she said this
But then she had another look with her torch
And thought she might have been wrong
And it may be something else
So Honey is now on eye drops 3 times a day
And has to go back to the vet net week
I am hoping that praying that she is ok

That's all from me today
Just a quick post to give you an update

Who, what, why and where?

I am very lucky and blessed to have some amazing readers/friends
Who read this blog and take time out of their day to leave thoughtful and insightful comments
After my last post
Lilly and C wrote about how I should try to start to define myself outside of my illness and diagnosis
They are so right
And really hit the nail on the head as to what is going on for me right now

I feel I am caught somewhere between my illness and recovery
Not quite sick anymore
But not 100% well either
I am dipping my toe in to life sans ED and addiction
But I haven't committed to anything
It's like I am hedging my bets
And keep both options open
Just in case
Just in case recovery doesn't work out
I will hold on to my ED and addiction
Just in case it's too scary or too hard
I will hold on to my addiction

I have made some progress
But the weight re-gain is only part of the battle
I know the real work happens on the inside
It takes months to physically recover
Years to recover mentally
And probably a life time to fully recover if that happens at all
It's a slow process
Too slow for an impatient person like me
Who wants everything now
Sometimes the process is so slow that I can't even see it
And it feels like I am standing still
It can be beyond frustrating

Anyway
Back to the title of this post
Who am I without my ED and addiction?
Well, I know I am a young woman
I know I am a dog owner and confirmed animal lover
I know I am a swimmer
I know I love to write
The thing is that I don't know how to write about anything other my ED and addiction
I know nothing as intimately as I know them
I can't write about love
I can't write about death
I have no other life experiences to think of
Beyond that I have no earthly clue who I am
I don't know what sort of person I am
Am I quiet?
Am I loud?
Am I an extrovert?
Introvert?
You would think that I would know these things
But I really don't
I only know who I am in the grip of my illness
I don't know much more than that

What will my life be like without my ED and addiction?
Another tough question
My ED was/is like my job
My chosen career
Without it
I don't know what I would think about
What I would talk about
What I would spend my time doing
How would I fill the 24 hours that are in a day?
I know what you are thinking
I could do anything I want to
But where do I start?
How do you start your life over at 33?
I guess the answer to that is I find what I love
And do that
If I find a job that I love
I'll never have to work again
Right?

Why am I recovering?
People change for a reason
I stopped taking drugs because the negatives of that life were out weighing the positives
I quit smoking because I couldn't afford it anymore
So why am I choosing recovery from my ED?
Well, similar to the drugs scenario
It's getting old
I am getting too old for it
I am bored with it
I am sick and tired of it
I have had enough of making mine and my families life miserable
I want more out of this life

Where do I want to go?
As in life I mean
Do I want to spend the rest of my life hating myself?
And hurting myself?
I really don't have the energy for that
I just want a quiet life
And I want to give my family a break
God knows we need it

I guess it's a leap of faith
To use a much overused phrase
Even though I am terrified of life
I am more terrified of a life time of addiction and disordered eating
I won't always have my family around me
To bail me out
And save me from myself
I have to grow up at some point
I have to forge a new life for myself
And that is the scary part
I have a bucket load of insecurities
I'm afraid that I'm not smart enough
Not talkative enough
Not brave enough
Not pretty enough
I'm afraid that people won't like me
That I won't ever have enough money
I'm afraid I'll never make it on my own
That I'll never fall in love
Or have a family of my own
I'm so afraid

I have taken some steps to venture in to a new life
I now swim nearly every day
I talk to people in the leisure center
And pretend that I am a normal human being
I go to yoga
And try to fit in with cool zen people
I have even phoned my local dog shelter twice to volunteer
But no one has got back to me

The thing is
I always feel like a bit of a misfit
Like a square peg trying to fit in to a round hole
I feel like I'm not like everyone else
That I am just a little bit mad
But maybe everyone feels like that
I don't know
Do they?
Do you?

But I am glad that this is being addressed
As I'm sure it will go some way to helping me figure out this weird place that I in

On a lighter note
My mother told me today that I am doing well
And she is 'very proud' of me
That was nice to hear
It makes all this worthwhile