Not giving in

Thank you all for your kind words and comments on my last post
I don't need to tell you
It was a difficult post to write
I don't want to admit that I am struggling
I don't want to admit that my ED is becoming active again
I don't want to worry people
Or let people down
Especially my long suffering family
But there is something about this illness that takes such a grip on us
It gets in to our bones
In to our souls
With long icy fingers it wraps itself around our bodies and minds
Numbing us with its cold cold grasp
It's terrifying

My thinking has been really warped recently
Thinking a lot about drugs
Wanting to get out of my head
Just to feel nothing
Just to escape for a while
I listen to dance and rave music
My heart beats so fast
And I feel like I have taken something
The other day I thought to myself
'I think I will have a drink today'
And I was really going to
The only reason I didn't was that I forgot to buy it when I was out
I think about drugs a lot
And I feel like I am missing out
I feel like life is so boring and banal without mind altering substances
My sister tells me that this is my addiction talking
She is not wrong
My addiction whispers in my ear
Taunting me
Trying to lure me in
Somewhere inside me I know that it's all bullshit
But still
It makes a good argument
And I am so easily influenced

I think I have white knuckled it thus far
I have got through the last few months on the fumes of willpower
But I need something to sustain me
Something to keep my from using
I go around and around it in my head
And I always come back to meetings
Meetings work
I know they do
If I could just get my sorry ass there
I would love to go
But I can't say if I will or not
It's too scary at the moment
It's too much

So it seems that I am being attacked from all sides
Is it a case of, if my addiction doesn't get me my ED will?
It feels like that sometimes
This all sound s very defeatist
And it is
But despite all that is happening to me right now
I'm not giving up
Not giving in
My stubbornness and determination come in handy sometimes
It's funny the things that can get you through the day
My favourite song to listen to at the moment is Take me to church by Hozier
If you get a chance check out the video
It's truly amazing

I know that I need to put all this energy in to something useful and positive
If I could just channel in to something worthwhile
And still get that buzz if satisfaction
What ever that may be
Working with animals
Dancing
Converting my big and unused shed in to something worth having
My mind likes to have a reward
Something to look forward to
Little treats to make life more bearable
It's just that my mind immediately turns to chemicals when I think of this
But yes
In the new year
I really need to find something to do
To work towards
It really is a muct

This post is just to let you know that I'm not holding up my white flag just yet
I am hanging in there
I am fighting this relapse
I refuse to go down this road again
My head just can't handle it
And I'm pretty sure my body can't either
I take comfort in the fact that I have a loving family
Actually if you would believe it
The other day I was cursing the fact that I have a virtuous doctor and caring family
I wished that my doctor was corrupt
And would give me any drugs I wanted
And I wished my sister would give me her prescription for sleeping pills
I was actually thinking in my head that
That is warped and messed up
But then again
That is me all over


I am beyond blessed to have the family I have
Deep down I know that
Lesser people would have given up on me long ago
I don't deserve them really
And I can never repay them for what they have done for me

Despite all that is whirling around in my mind
I'm not going to use
I know I'm not
I have to much to lose now
It's just not worth it

So this is me signing off for today's post
I feel a little bit more hopeful today
A little bit stronger and able to deal with life
I'm ok
I am ok

I

Am

Ok

Trigger Warning - Weight loss

I can't quite put my finger on when it happened
But I know it happened very suddenly
I didn't notice it at first
It was subtle
Hard to detect
I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I finally got sick of eating white chocolate
I was eating an awful lot of it
5 family size bars a day
It was my heroin for a time
So sweet and creamy
It took me away to another place
Just me
My cup of tea
And 8 squares of chocolate
I've always had a funny thing with numbers and food
For example if I was going to have a biscuit
I would pick a number in my head
It could be 2
Or three and a half
Or four and a quarter
Whatever number felt right
And no other number would do
It was the same with chocolate
It had to be a precise number
It just had to be
That was the rule
And we all know how an ED girl loves her rules

Anyway
So yes
I had been eating a lot of chocolate
And then wondering why my weight was going up
Even my sister commented on my chocolate intake on a number of occasions
But I literally couldn't stop eating it
It was like a drug
But I guess I ate too much of it
Because all of a sudden I didn't crave it any more
Just like flicking a switch
My cravings went

Around this time I went to spend the weekend with my uncle
He had a weighing scales in his living room
One morning
While everyone else was in bed
I stepped on the scales
Just to torment myself
I saw a number that I have never seen before
In my mind I was over weight
The shock of this
Coupled with not eating chocolate
Resulted in my weight starting to head south
I began to weigh myself more regularly
I noticed little losses
Soon I was weighing myself every day
Waking up in the morning, I looked forward to weighing myself
It focused my mind
Gave me something to aim for
To work towards
I had a certain number in my head
That I want to get to
Then I will stop, I told myself
Then I will stop

It's now been about 4 weeks
And I've lost a stone
It's not terribly noticeable to be to be honest
But my Mum and sister have commented on it
My Mum saying that my face looks thinner
But I guess I can feel it in my clothes
They are looser
Roomier
God forgive me for enjoying that

The thing I keep telling myself is
That I am still a healthy weight
Just about
So there is no danger
But I know this illness
I know when I get to my goal
The goal post shifts again
There is no end point with anorexia
It's never enough
Am I worried?
If I am honest
Yes
A little
I had been doing so well
Am I really going to throw that all away?
I don't know is the answer

Why is it so easy to point out what others should be doing?
But when it comes to ourselves we just can't seem to do it
If I was my friends or my sister
I would be pleading with them to stop
But I know it has to come from the person themselves
No one can do it for me

I'm losing a pound every 2 days
But I'm not just losing weight
I'm losing my mind
My recovery
My family
My self worth
Self esteem
My confidence
My hope and faith
My belief that I will be ok
My determination to get well
My drive to overcome this illness
And my will to live

I'm sorry
I know I had given so many of you hope that recovery was possible
I don't know what is happening to me
I'm sorry

Happy Christmas!

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy Christmas
This is my third Christmas blogging
In 2012 I was in Australia
Last year I was in treatment
So this is my first 'normal' Christmas in a few years

I know that a lot of you are struggling
Especially at this time of year
Just remember to take it easy on yourself
Do as much as you can
No one expects anything more
And if you are struggling
Reach out
Don't suffer in silence
Tell someone
Let someone know you are finding it tough
Be kind to yourself
Be gentle with yourself
You are precious

So Happy Christmas to you!
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are so low you can't bear it
If you would rather eat your own foot that celebrate Christmas
If you are eating disordered
If you are underweight, over weight or somewhere in between
If you are questioning if you even have an eating disorder
If you are depressed
If you feel like you can't hold on
If you are asking yourself 'What is the point?'
If you are on your own today
If all you want is a hug from someone who cares
If you are considering disappearing
Hold on!
Find something
Anything
And hold on to that
All we have to deal with is right now
Today
The past is gone
Tomorrow might never come
Just worry about you
Right now this second
If you are reading this and are wondering how the hell you are going to get through the next week
Stop
Just for a minute
And breathe
You can  get through this
You are stronger than you think
You are more powerful than you think
I promise you

I am far from recovery today
My ED still very active
I still ambivalent about recovery
As messed up as that sounds, it's the truth
But this year I got a glimpse of my life without my ED
A fleeting glimpse albeit but it was enough
I feel hope for the first time in a long time
Up until now I truly believed that I would never recover
I had accepted that my ED was always going to be there
And I was ok with that
I have been to treatment numerous times
I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and doctors
Lost and gained a lot of weight
A lot of people gave up on me
I had even given up on me
But now I do see a glimmer of hope
It turns out that I might not be the wretched person I thought I was
It turns out that my personality is still there
It turn out that  maybe I can come back from this
It turns out that I want to live
And if I can then you can too


Please take good care of yourselves
Please know that you are not alone
You are not the only one who feels this way
I promise you

I also wanted to say thank you to all my blogging friends
You all have become like family over the last two and a half years
I love each and every one of you
You all have a special place in my heart
I feel so blessed that I have this community of people
You have been through everything with me
So thank you for that
For being there
For commenting and emailing 
For allowing me to be part of your story
For picking me up when I fell
For helping me when I was stuck
For reminding me that I am more than my ED
You have been instrumental in my recovery

There's no denying it
This time of year is tough
Part of me can't wait for it all to be over
But I will do my best to stay well
And enjoy the celebrations
I count my lucky stars every day
That I have a loving family
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
And clothes in my wardrobe
And at Christmas
I feel that little bit more grateful

Take care of you
Stay well
And enjoy Christmas as much as you can x

Christmas outfit

I've been trying to figure out what to where on Christmas Day

I know I will wear the new jumper that I bought when I went to Dublin

I'm saving that for good wear

But I can't decide what to wear with it

It has to be warm

It has to be comfortable as I will be cooking 

But I also want too look nice too

Here are a couple of options

Blue wool jumper - Fat Face
Dark navy jeans - River Island

Skirt - A wear

Gotcha!

As you might know
A person call themselves Ana's challenge has been commenting on a lot of our blogs
Being quite intrusiv
Upsetting people
And being down right rude when they didn't get the response they were looking
I have left my fair share of replies to this person
I know you shouldn't feed the trolls
But in this instance I couldn't help myself
I also checked out their blog
Which is a litany of  'Tips and tricks'
And all in pigeon English

Myself and the lovely Bella have been on the case
To find out who this person really is
I suspected it was a man
And we feared that he was praying on young and vulnerable girls
For his own sick and twisted gains
As I know we can be the targets of dirty old men who look for photos of girls

After he was told that he was not welcome or wanted around here
He seemed to go quiet
But today Bella sent me an email
With a link to Ana's challenge latest post
And we were right
He is indeed a very sick person
I was going to post the link here
But I don't want to upset people
And I don't want to give him any more attention than this post

So this is a warning to anyone being harassed by Ana's challenge
If he comments
Delete and block
It's the only way to deal with these kind of people
And hopefully he will get tired and give up
And leave us alone
People here have enough problems to deal with
Without a pervert stalking our blogs
I mean how sick do you have to be to prey on young girls like this
Some are very vulnerable
And might not see him for what he is
I have seen comments on his blog
Asking him for help with restricting etc
And he always asks for photos

Anyway
Just to let you know
This person is not what they seem
I hope he has not hurt anyone any more than he has

Christmas shopping

My sister and I went in to town today to do a bit of shopping

We are doing secret Santa this yea

So we all only have one gift to buy

I am buying for my mum and the price limit is €50

She had already given me the names of some books she wanted

So I got those

And also some soaps from Avoca for her

I also got socks, pants and a pair of jeans for myself

And a diary for my friend L

Here are some photos from today

On the way on to town

New hat - Dorothy Perkins

Shopped out

Socks and pants

Books for my Mum

Diary for my friend  L

Wrapping paper, fancy!

Soaps from Avoca

Jeans - River Island

So this is Christmas......

And what have you done?

Another year over

A new  one just begun

Where this year has gone

I do  not know

I can remember this time last last year like it was yesterday

I can remember treatment so well

I can remember what people were wearing

Conversations I had

Everything like it just happened the other day

Except Christmas day itself

I think I must have knocked myself out with meds 

As I can't remember a single thing about it

Our house is usually a hub of activity around Christmas time

This is great if you are feeling sociable  and up to it

Not so great if you are not feeling 100 per cent
I have mixed feelings about Christmas this year
Part of me is really looking forward to it
And part of me is dreading it
And can't wait until it is all over
I'm not ok at the moment
And the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating

The dreaded scale has wormed it's way back in to my life
Once again it has become a daily ritual
And dictates my mood
My self worth
And my self esteem for the day
It's soul destroying

I know what you are all thinking
That I should be asking for help from my family and doctor
I should be fighting this thing tooth and nail
Because my slip is rapidly becoming  relapse
I just feel so tired
And so weary
I feel like lying down
Holding up my white flag
And admitting defeat
Because that's the way I feel
Beaten
And worn down

It's at times like this that I desperately miss a smoke
I have been thinking and dreaming about about lighting up
To make a cup of tea
Settle down beside the window
And have 10 minutes to myself
Where I can sort out that days problem
Or any other thinking that needs to be done

I was listening to the radio on the way back from Galway
And they were talking about Joni Mitchell
Joni is a confirmed smoker
And has dealt with a lot of criticism because it
I can't remember the exact quote
But she said that she wouldn't have been able to get through life without cigarettes
That those precious few minutes alone with a smoke are precious
She also doesn't buy the high mortality rate
She said we are all going to die of something
Why not smoking?
And least then you can enjoy it
She also wondered how there are so many ex smokers in the world
They must be all frustrated and irritable
After I had listened to this
I found myself thoroughly agreeing with Joni
And had talked myself in to going back on them
If I had had a cigarette right there and then
There is no way I could have said no
The only thing that stops me
Is that I am now off them 20 weeks
And I don't want to through that away
I also have to remind myself that I can not afford them
As they are now 10 Euros here for a packet
Even so
I would still love one

I guess I am a bit all over the place these days
It feels like everything I have worked so hard for over the last few months is slipping through my fingers
The thing I don't understand is why this is happening
I can't identify any trigger
I can't think of any reason that this has happened
But it is happening
And I have to deal with it
It's part and parcel of recovery

In spite of everything
I am feeling very grateful today
A member of my family got some devastating news last week
I won't say what it is
As it's not my news to tell
But needless to say it's the worst kind of news you can get
I'm feeling very blessed to be alive and well today
To have my physical and mental health relatively intact
I'm feeling especially grateful for my family
Without who I would no doubt be in a very dark place
They are the ones that have got me through the last 15 years
If they were not here
I dread to think where I would be right now
I am thankful to have a roof over my head
Many don't
Many people are begging in the streets today
Have no home to go to
And only have a blanket for warmth
When ever I see a homeless person I say to myself
'There but for the grace of God go I'
I am one of the lucky ones
I have a family who can support and love me
That is such a precious thing
I have a roof over my head
Heat in my home
Food in the fridge
Presents under the Christmas tree
A lot of people don't

Sometimes I feel like I am holding on for my family
That if they weren't here
I would be on the streets
In a bad way
Sometimes I feel like I am white-kunckling it for them
But I guess if that keeps me clean
It's as good a reason as any

I will try my best to celebrate Christmas
I will help with the cooking
I will join in with the celebrations
I will be the best Ruby that I can be
This time of the year can be tough
And I need to let people know that I need help
I can't do this alone
I know that now

It's funny the things that can help you get through the day
A hot cup of sweet tea
A hug
A walk with Honey and Lea
Listening to the radio
Or my favourite song
Getting out of the shower and feeling squeaky clean
Getting in to a freshly changed bed with starched white sheets
Putting my my favourite pjyamas
Lighting a fire
Listening to the hail and wind outside while curled up on the couch
Reading a chapter of my favourite book
Writing a post
Retail therapy
Doing my nails ruby red
Straightening my hair
Phoning a friend
It's the little things people



What helps you get through the day?