The aftermath

It's been a couple of days since my sister and I had out last argument 

What started off as a petty squabble on Sunday night 

Soon escalated in to an out and out row

The second in a week

My mother was here on Sunday

And tried to get us to work it out 

But we were both too hurt and upset to make it up

The next morning 

I was in the living room

My sister came in and wanted to call a truce

We shook hands 

And murmured that we were sorry

I wanted the fighting to stop

If only for my poor mothers sake

It's not fair on her to have to listen to us

As she said herself

We were acting like children

Since then things have been very cool

And there is an icy atmosphere in the house

We are staying out of each other's way

Not easy

But we are trying 

I wrote in yesterday's post about wanting to move out

I wrote that post when I was still very upset

Now that I have calmed down a bit 

I know it would be silly to make a rash decision

Or make a decision out of anger

And you 

My wonderful readers 

Were  on hand with some great advice

Sonetimes it seems that you know me better than I know myself 

I consider myself more than fortunate to have a little army of people 

All with their own words of wisdom to pass on

So thank you for that

Of course

I still want to move out

And I crave independence so very much

But as one of my live readers pointed out

It's best not to make any major decisions in the first year of recovery 

I think this is sound advice

As the first year of recovery is hard enough

Without making any life changing decisions 

The first year of recovery is all about firsts 

First year clean and sober

First birthday

First Christmas

First holiday 

There is so much to contend with

Without having to make any major decisions

So

I will still look in to my options

And see what's what

At least then I can make an informed decision 

My mum and I were talking about my sister yesterday

And we both agreed that she is not herself

She is coming off her meds at the moment

And seems to be struggling with side effects

She is volatile 

And emotional 

And we are wondering whether she should be coming off them at all

But that's her decision 

And she seems determined to do it

When I was very unwell

Moving out was out of the question

I just wouldn't have managed by myself 

And also I had no urge to move out

I was too busy in self destruct mode

To care about anything else

I guess it's a good thing that I feel the need to spread my wings 

I just crave my own little place so badly 

But the way things are at the moment

It might not be the best idea 

 

I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling to take my meds properly 

You know 

My family know 

The only people who don't know are the ones who really should know

The professionals 

I know I should get this situation under control

Or else it could escalate if I was on my own

I just can't trust myself at the moment 

I don't have the resistance to say no to drugs

And if I moved out

Away from the support of my family

Things could get worse rather than better

I know that I need to get this meds situation under control

Especially as I am due to start a course in September

And I really do want to be as well as I can be by then

Every night before I go to sleep 

I make a vow that I will do better tomorrow

That I'll get to a meeting

And start taking my meds correctly

Then morning comes around

And I misuse them again

Promising that this will be the last time

But it never is

I am the very definition of insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again

And expecting different results

I misuse my  meds 4-5 days out of 7

I skip my methadone some days

So I can take a double dose the following day

I also misuse my tablets

And the mixture has almost an opiate like effect

I know if I want to recover

And truly get well

That I can't continue in this way 

The thing is 

I have it easy

I get to use

Without any of the negative consequences 

I have a nice place to live

A roof over my head 

Clothes on my back

And food in my fridge

My drugs are free

They are prescribed 

So I am not doing anything illegal 

I don't have to steal 

Or beak the law to get my fix

I don't have to associate with other addicts

This is the tricky thing about meds 

They are prescribed

And completely legal

But in abusing them

In my mind

That is as good as using

Same shit

Different substance 

So you see

There isn't the urgency

Or the impotuse to stop the behaviour 

I think if I were to move out now

My addiction issues could well get worse

As there would be no one else there 

A huge part of my sobriety is staying clean for  my family

I know

I should do it for myself 

But if that was the only way

I'd never get clean

Integrity is doing the right thing

Even when no one is watching

I don't know if I have much integrity right now

So I will stay put

For now

It's not the right time to move out

And I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons 

So I guess I will make the best of the situation

It's horrible to be on such bad terms 

But 

It is what it is

I know I need to give my sister a break 

As she is dealing with a lot 

But I also have to protect myself and my recovery 

They say you can't pick your family 

And that is true 

Usually I get on great with my sister

Which makes me think that a lot of this has to do with her coming off her meds

So I will wait

I'm still in the very early stages of recovery 

I'm just finding my feet really

And learning to live life on life's terms 

It's not easy 

Reality is boring 

And tedious

And monotonous 

And I tend to escape any chance that I get

But I have to learn to deal 

Or else I will be running away from myself forever 

I don't want that 

I want to be able to live a good life

To be happy to be in my body and mind 

Again

Thank you so much for all your continued support

It means more than you will ever know

I feel blessed and lucky to be part of this community 

I just hope that I can give back to you even a little bit of the kindness that you have showed me

From bad to worse

Things with my sister have gone from bad to worse

We made up after out fight last week

But things erupted again last night

This time with my poor mother in the middle of it all

We had a short but nasty row

It escalated so quickly

And now there is a sour atmosphere in the house

I spoke to my mum this morning

And she seems to think my sister has such a short fuse at the moment

Because she is coming off her meds 

I think I mentioned before

That my sister has suffered with depression in recent years

And is on an anti depressant 

Recently she had started to come of it

And she has been like a bull dog chewing a wasp for the past couple of weeks 

Of course I am not entirely innocent either

We know each other well

And know exactly how to push each other's buttons

I know how to wind get up

What will drive her mad

It escalated so quickly

One minute we were fine

The next

World war 3 was breaking out

My mother called us both in to the kitchen

And tried to broker some sort of peace

But neither myself or my sister were willing to back down

Stubborn as we are

Mum made the point that we all have to live together

We all have to find a way to get on

This is true

And mum is retiring in a couple of weeks 

So there will be three of us in the house from then on

It's rally not fair to have mum in the middle of this 

And I hate that it's effecting her so much 

They say you should never go to bed on an argument

Well we did last night 

And woke up this morning feeling almost hungover

With a heaviness in my head

I went to the doctor  first thing

It was Nice Woman Doctor again

She asks how I am 

I hesitate 

And she asks what that is about

I tell her that I am thinking of moving out on my own 

Which I am

It's always been in the back of my mind 

And these rows have just kind of made it more urgent

I can't say too much to the doctor

As she is also my sisters doctor

We talked for a little while

She told me to weigh up the pros and cons 

Which I will do

But yes 

I am seriously thinking of moving out

It's not just the tension with my sister

Now that I am feeling a lot better

I have a huge urge to be independent 

To do my own thing

To have my own little corner of the world 

The more I think about it

The more I think it's a good idea

I spoke to my mother about it this morning

She advised me not to make a decision out of anger 

And not to rush out in haste

I know what she is saying 

And I won't rush in to anything

I guess it doesn't hurt to find out what my options are

Obviously I am on disability benefit

And won't be able to privately rent 

So I will have to find out what I am entitled to

In the line of rent allowance and such

I just can't live like this

It's not healthy for any of us 

And I'm sure my sister is just as fed up as I am

I know that I am no angel 

I give as good as I get

And I do acknowledge that my sister is coming off her meds

And is probably not herself these days 

But I can't live like this 

With this horrible atmosphere lingering

At the moment

No one is happy

Not me

Not my sister 

Definitely not my mother

Who is caught in the cross fire

This week the plan is to stay out of my sisters way

Get to a lot of meetings

Talki things over with Breda and Mary 

I'm interested to see what they think about the situation

Meet my friends 

Marie rents with rent allowance

So I will pick her brains about how to go about applying for that

I will also inquire about what my options are

There are so many empty houses around here

Do it won't be hard to find a place

It really boils down to how I will manage financially 

At the moment 

I have few bills

No rent to pay

I contribute a certain amount every week to shopping and bills

I pay my own car tax, insurance and my phone bill

If I move in to my own place

I will have considerably more out goings 

Money will be a lot tighter 

So I guess I have to weigh up which is more important

To live here in the tension

And have more disposable income

Or move out and have that independence but less money

At the moment 

The latter seems more appealing to me

They say you can't pick your family

And it's so true

My sister is home nearly a year now

And although we've had the odd fight in that time

Things have deteriorated a lot in the past couple of weeks

Usually we get on like a house on fire

But that fire can turn nasty very easily 

And now it is suffocating us both

So the option of moving out seems really attractive right now

 

When I was very ill

Moving out just wasn't an option

I needed the support of my family 

I wouldn't have been able to manage on my own

There was always someone here with me

But now that I am feeling physically and mentally better

I crave independence so so much

Don't get me wrong 

I love living with my mum

I love this house 

And I know it's company for mum too

I've always felt very at home here 

It's given me the time and space to recover

I've been living here ten years now

And although I've loved it

I just have the feeling that it's time to move on

To spread my wings a bit more

And find my own little place

Here 

Even though I feel very comfortable 

I'm living in someone else's house

Under their rules

I want to make my own rules

I want to do things my way

Take responsibility of my own life

Of course Honey and Lea would come with me

And I do acknowledge that it would be a huge change for them too

They know no other way other than living here

And they are so comfortable here

So at home

They place I move to would have to be animal friendly 

There's just no way on this earth that I would move without them 

But

As I said 

I won't make any rash decisions

I will investigate my options

Put the feelers out 

And go from there

I must admit though 

It's really exciting to think of having my own place

The other thing is that I have to be able to trust myself

Living on my own

It would be do easy to use 

To drink

To starve

To binge and purge

I need to be sure that I can manage those things

And to be completely honesty

I'm not entirely sure I can trust myself 

Do that's where I'm at today

I would love to get your thoughts on the situation

Do you think I am being rash?

Do you think insipid wait?

What do you think I should do about the situation with my sister?

I'd live to know......

Blogging

Since I started writing my blog is April

2012

Blogging had become an integral part of my life

More than a hobby 

It's something that I feel compelled to do

And it's part of my everyday routine

Every morning

After I walk my dogs 

I settle down on the floor of the living room

My back to the sofa

Cup of hot sweet tea at hand

And just write until the mess of tangled words in my head makes some sort of sense

While I walk my dogs

I listen to the radio 

I love chat shows

And phone in shows

Listening to conversation 

Without the pressure of having to contribute

I also think about what I'm going to write about that day

And by the time I get home

I have the bones of a post formed in my head

I try to write every day

I do that on purpose 

Because writing my blog is something I do every day 

One day at a time

A lot like AA

Inspiration comes from everywhere 

And I'm always on the look out for interesting topics

Something might happen in my life

Like my relapse

Or getting caught shoplifting

I might review a book I've read 

Or a documentary I've watched

It might be an item about mental health or addiction highlighted in the news

It may be a personal post

A thought post

A story from my past

Inspiration is everywhere 

And I get my cues to write in the most obscure places

I've always written 

For as long as I can remember

I kept diaries 

Logs of different times in my life 

Usually when I was in treatment 

And had the time and energy and clarity of mind to write

There something lovely about documenting a moment in time

Something that the memory fails to recall no matter how hard you try

There were a few years where I wrote pretty much nothing

I was on the throes of addiction

And it just didn't seem important 

Now I wish I had documented that time

As there are so many stories

Things you couldn't make up 

Things that memory can't quite do justice to 

As I have said before

When I think back to that time

I can't quite work out if something really happened 

Or if it was a dream

Or a hallucination 

Because it could have easily been any of them

I was a late comer to the world of the internet

What with being strung out

It held no interest to me

Then I moved to a place where there was no internet connection

And do it wasn't until a few years ago that I first dipped my toe in the World Wide Web

By then 

My ED was in full flight

And I began looking for others like me

I started reading blogs probably about a year before I decided to write my own

By then 

Blogging  was huge

And every one and their mother had a blog

I didn't expect anything from blogging

I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone

That there were others like me

And people who had come out the other side alive and well

Blogging is a strange phenomenon 

And what with Facebook

Tumblr

YouTube 

Twitter

And Instagram 

It seems everyone wants to share their lives with anyone who will read, watch, listen

I don't use FB

Never have 

But of course I have looked at it

Yes something's are thought provoking and funny

And I do recognise the place social media has 

I guess I use my blog instead of Facebook

As I find it much easier to share my life with strangers than I do with those I know personally 

I thought about why that is

And I think it's because I'm not emotionally attached to the person

I'm not going to hurt them

Or disappoint them

Or let them down

Or worry them 

I can share my thoughts and experiences safe in the knowledge that there will be no come back

Is it the same for everyone?

I don't know 

You tell me

I share most things on the Internet

So I can't really give out about others who do the same

But why do we do it?

What compels us to share our thoughts

Our experiences

Our triumphs and failures

Our deepest secrets

And our sickness?

Maybe it's because we don't have anyone in real life to share them with

Maybe we are looking for others like us

Maybe we want sympathy

Or empathy

Maybe we want our struggles and pain to be acknowledged 

Maybe we want attention

Recognition

Maybe we want notoriety

Maybe we want to shock others

Maybe we have more sinister reasons

If I am really honest 

When ever something happens in my life

One of my first thoughts is

Oh that's something to write about 

How healthy is that?

I'm not entirely sure 

Of course

We wouldn't write 

If we didn't get some kind of payoff

For me

It's the connection with others 

The hope that my experiences will help

Someone else get through the day

I'm lucky to have amazing readers

Who leave such thoughtful and kind comments

Which absolutely make my day

Everyday 

I get emails from people across the world 

I feel privileged that these people share their stories with me

And I always try to reply 

Of course there is the odd nasty comment

But that's to be expected 

When you put yourself out there

On the whole 

Blogging has been an extremely positive experience

And force for good in my life

I read back over posts 

That I have no recollection of writing 

And I wonder how I am still standing 

It just goes to show what we can withstand 

And overcome when we have to 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Why did you start blogging?

Has it been a force for good in your life?

How long have you been writing?

How often do you write?

Answers on a postcard please ......

 

General Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post called Sisters

I wrote it from place where I am still reeling from the argument

So I decided it was better to delete it

As I'm sure we'll be back to normal pretty soon

So I decided to do a general update instead

On the whole

Things are good

The best they've been in a long time

My mood is better

I've accepted that my base line mood is probably lower than the average person

It's just in me to be on the melancholic side

But that's ok

It just makes my happier moments all the sweeter

I tend to be more of a pessimist than an optimist

A kind of expect the worst, hope for the best type of person

But that's ok too

It just means I enjoy it all the more when things do go right

My weight is stable

Praise the Lord my weight is stable!

Like I would let you forget that little nugget of information

I know

I often write about my weight

But it's a big thing for me (excuse the pun)

As I'm sure it is for any one struggling with an eating disorder

And those in recovery

Those numbers become ingrained in our brains

I only have to look at a photo of myself

And I can tell you exactly what weight I was then 

My weight has yo-yo'ed for so long

I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy 

And have clothes in all those sizes too

But my weight now seems to have settled at a BMI of about 20

Even though Mary has asked me not to

I still weigh most days

I can't help myself 

Sometimes it's to reassure myself

Sometimes to torture myself

Whatever the reason 

I weigh a lot 

I guess it's all part of the disorder

It's an addiction

And a need to control

My weight fluctuates about five pounds up and down over the course of a month

When it's lower I feel better

And when it's higher I am trying to get it down again

But I'm sure it has a lot to do with periods 

And bloating before that time of the month

Looking at myself in the mirror

I think I am seeing myself as I really am

There was definitely a time when I was at my thinnest

That I couldn't see how thin I was 

But I think that distortion has gone now

When I look in the mirror

I feel just about ok with what I see

Not disgusted

Not fantastic

Just pretty much ok

And having a tan is a big part of that I think

I know it's not healthy to be tanning 

But I feel compelled to do it 

As I think it's helping me accept my body

My eyes still go to my flabby bits

My wobbly bits

The round bits 

And the bits that used to be toned

But I think that's normal for any woman

Not just someone with an ED

Of course maintaining a healthy weight 

Is not just about the aesthetics

It's essential for a healthy body 

Underweight 

Or overweight

Whatever I may be

It effects my health

My organs

The systems of the body

Hair, nails and skin

Everything

I went without a period for over ten years

And even though they are now back

The are still very irregular 

My physical health has drastically improved since regaining weight

I didn't realise how unwell I was 

Until I started to feel better

What else?

There is always the subject of my meds

I'm not managing too well in that respect

I misuse them about every second day

Which is not good

I was at a meeting during the week

And someone told me that I looked 'alert'

And that sometimes I look like I am 'nodding off'

I was mortified to hear this

I know some days I've gone to meetings feeling sleepy

But I didn't think I was actually falling asleep

My sister also challenged me about this during the week

So why am I still doing this I hear you ask

I'm deliberately not telling Mary or my doctor

I'm getting my meds dispensed weekly now

So I have the opportunity to abuse them

Again

It goes back to my inability to live in reality

That urge to get out of my own head

To escape

The thing is 

I am planning to start a course in September 

They rang this week to arrange a date for my interview 

Which is in a couple of weeks

I know if I want to do this 

And be really present 

I have to get on top of this meds situation

Or else I am going to slip further and further down the rabbit hole 

Food wise

Things could also be better 

But like the veritable ostrich

I am burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

The last time I saw Mary

She asked me not to weigh

And to keep a food diary

Neither of which I have been doing

I still believe that if I stop purging

My weight will spin out of control

I guess I won't know this until I try

But I don't know if I want to try 

Which is a terrible thing to say

But it's the truth

So I guess

Overall

A lot of work has been done

But there is still work to do

As I always say

Baby steps all the way

Clothes Post #20

I picked up a couple of items over the last couple of weeks

Some comfortable summer wear

In an effort to make it more bearable

Summer is not my favourite season

As I don't really like getting my arms and legs out

And I can't stand heat

I get hot and sweaty and uncomfortable

And I much prefer autumn and winter

Anyway 

Here they are

The t-shirt is Brakeburn

The trousers are those kind of light, denim, baggy ones that are popular now

They are Roxy

The shoes are Vans

Had them for ages

And the hoody is also Roxy

And my life is sweet like cinnamon.....

Ten months smoke free today

I think I can officially call myself a  confirmed non smoker

My uncle was here the other day

He was telling us about his upcoming holiday in Spain

Out of pure habit

I opened my mouth to ask him to get me cigarettes

400 cigarettes

Then I remembered

Oh

I don't smoke anymore 

It was a nice feeling

I regularly have dreams in which I am smoking 

And I'm really annoyed at myself for relapsing

Ten months down the drain

Then I wake up and realise that I haven't in fact smoked 

And All is well

I can remember the day I stopped smoking like it was yesterday

I had put it off for so long

As I had fallen for the myth that you gain weight when you quit

To me

Being thin and broke was more important that being a healthy weight or over weight and flush with money 

The sane uncle had just come back from Turkey 

And had brought me home two cartons of smokes

I decided that day

That when I had finished the cartons

Then I would give up

So I smoked my little head off for the next two weeks 

I was averaging 30 - 35 a day

I smoked like it was going out of fashion

Which in fact it was 

I thoroughly enjoyed smoking

I loved it

Cigarettes punctuated my life

I remember when you could smoke in restaurants

On trains

In pubs and clubs

Then the smoking ban came in

And us smokers were banished outside

Some pubs and clubs made very comfortable smoking areas

And do all the 'craic' seemed to be happening out there

I always had cigarettes in my bag

I bought two packs a day

And always had a selection of lighters on the go too

I even had a cigarette case

And a cigarettes purse ala Betty Draper from Madmen

I smoked any where and everywhere I could 

At home

I smoked out the window 

Up the chimney 

In front of the extractor fan

And I thought I was being considerate of others!

Smoking was a huge part of my life

And if my identity

It was the first thing I did in the morning 

Make a cup of tea

And light up a smoke

I smoked after food especially 

It was like a cigarette finished off the me

And smoking was a social thing

Me and my friends would nip outside for a cheeky smoke any chance we got

There was great banter out with the smokers

It was like we were all doing something naughty

And we were all In it together

I used to really enjoy a cuppa with a smoke

I did my best thinking then

And also had the best chats over a cuppa and a smoke

The worlds problems could be solved then

So now I am a non smoker

And I can't deny the benefits

My number one reason for quitting was the money

I wish I could say it was for health reasons 

But if I'm honest it wasn't 

I was broke all the time

And I couldn't stand it anymore

So 

They had to go

There was no other option

I've so noticed an improvement in my health

My fitness has improved

My breathing

My lung function

My stamina

Have all drastically improved

To address the weight gain

I did gain weight after I quit 

But I was gaining weight anyway

So I don't know if it was my quitting or my body re-gaining naturally

Whichever it was

It seems to have settled down  now

Thank Jebus

I was wondering about you

Do you smoke?

How long have you been smoking?

What made you give up?

What stops you from giving up?

Inquiring minds want to know......

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous.....

I've been thinking about this for the past few days

Whether it's better to blog anonymously or not

As you know 

I make no secret of who I am 

Heck I have a huge photo of myself at the top of my blog

I regularly post photos 

And my family sometimes feature too

The only thing I keep secret is my name

Although those of you who know my real name

Know that it's not a million miles away from Ruby 

For the first few months 

I wrote my blog anonymously 

And had planned to keep it that way

But then I began to notice that the blogs I was attracted to

We're the ones where the person was completely open

I can still remember the first photo I posted of myself

It was of me on holiday in Spain

Looking very pale and wan

It got such a great reaction

That I began to share more and more of my life

I love to share things with my readers

Myself

Where I live

My dogs 

My family

I'm an open book

Having said that

I totally understand why someone would want to keep their blog anonymous

There is a great freedom in being able to write without anyone knowing who you are 

Some people are more private

And choose not to share photos 

I was reading Izzys blog earlier

She was writing about how now her blog is so popular

That she has to be really careful about what she chooses to write about

As so many people are reading

I guess I feel that on a smaller scale

There are something's that are off bounds with me

I don't write much about my family

And always ask before posting photos of them

I don't write about any one else either

Or their business

It's not my place

Reading between the lines in Izzys post

I get the feeling that she feels she has to be positive all the time

And portray the picture that everything is fine all the time

And maybe for her it is

But I know for myself

Recovery is a rocky road

So many hurdles

So many ups and downs 

Highs and lows 

And I feel compelled to be honest about that

If you read regularly 

You will know that my life is a bit of a roller coaster

And I do daft and stupid things almost on a weekly basis

I feel like it's my duty to be honest

And I have absolutely no problem letting people know when I am struggling

Well

Most of the time

So yes

I am definitely open about my life

I know some people worry about their blog coming back to haunt them

In case a workplace ever tracked it down

This doesn't bother me either

I have nothing to hide 

This is my life 

This is me 

Although hopefully by the time I am working 

I will have a lot of these issues in the past

I guess I use my blog 

In the same way as some people use Instagram or Tumblr or even Facebook 

To document my life

To keep track of my life

To share with others

To record all the little things that get forgotten over the years 

In 3 years 

I have written over 800 posts

All them recording every little detail about my life

And to have that to look back over is amazing

It's almost like watching a movie

The text

The photos

The pictures

All add up to be my life

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous

Well

I guess it's different for everyone 

It depends probably on your personality

And how private you are

I've never had a problem sharing my story

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by it

In fact the opposite

I am proud of where I've come from

And how far I've come

I've been through my own personal war

And it wasn't easy getting out

Of course a huge part of my blog is helping others 

I feel so passionately about using my story

My mistakes

My life

My accomplishments 

My ups and downs

To help others come out of their own battle with themselves 

I know that reading all of your blogs helps me massively

And I hope I can give back just a little bit of what I've gotten from all of you

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you write anonymously or not?

Why?

Do you prefer to see the person writing the blog or not?

Is love to know....