Methadone and the scales

It seems that yesterday's post provoked quite a response

Some people really don't agree with methadone 

And see it as a 'free heroin'

And as just another addiction

Others seem optimistic that it works of dispensed correctly

It's the same here on this country

There are thousands of people on methadone 

And it always causes fierce debate

I think it's really a case by case situation

Like most things

Methadone will suit some people

But not others

It depends on how each case is handled individually

Some people genuinely want to get clean

Off everything

And use methadone as a stepping stone to get there

This is probably a healthy way of looking at it

Methadone will provide stability and structure to the addicts life

They will no longer need to turn to crime to fund their habit

They will have the structure of weekly doctor visits 

And possibly daily pharmacy visits

When I first started methadone 

I had to go to Dubln once a month to see the head doctor over methadone  in Ireland

I also had to see my own doctor every other week

I started off on 70mls

And worked my way down over the years

I am now on methadone over ten years

I am pretty sure that a patient is not meant to stay on it indefinitely

But again

I guess it goes by a case by case basis

I have not had ten straight years clean

I have slipped every so often 

It's part and parcel of addiction and recovery 

I know at one point I was down to 18mls

And it looked like I would be off it completely within a year

Now I am back up to 36 mls

And it looks like I will be on it a lot longer

The thing with methadone

Is that there is always the temptation to abuse it

To use on top of it

To sell it

Not to take it properly

I know sometimes patients pretend they need a lot more than they actually do

And sell some of it

People fix their urines

So they give clean urines when in actual fact they are using 

The are lots of ways to fiddle the system 

And people do

I know I did

I do agree that methadone is just as addictive as heroin

If not more so

And is a total nightmare to come off

And withdrawal I've ever had was a lot harder coming off methadone 

They say it gets in to your bones 

Some may say that addiction is addiction 

It doesn't mater if it's cocaine or cornflakes

It's not about the substance 

It's about how it effects your life

And as you all know

I've struggled with my meds

Almost as much as I struggled with illicit drugs

And I really need to get some stability back in my life

So I can function

So I can do my course

So I can learn to live in reality

So I won't worry my family

So I will grow in my recovery

I can't lie

I am super super nervous and anxious to come off my methadone 

It wouldn't bother me if I never came off it

It's sad to say 

But it's the truth

The thought of living in stone cold reality scares the be-Jesus out of me

I really don't know if I can do it

If I can live with out some sort of drug

But the thing is

I know I will never have the things that I want 

If I let myself stay addicted

I won't recover

I won't feel

I won't engage

I won't truly be present

I won't be living in reality

I'll be living in my own fuzzy, cloudy, methadone coloured world

Do I really want that?

I know when I came out of the doctors yesterday 

I thought I would feel good that he increased my methadone

But in reality I felt nothing

I feel nothing

There's nothing to feel

It's hidden beneath layers of meds and methadone 

Do I want to live this way?

I'm not entirely sure

Anyway

On to other matters

You know I've been writing about not weighing for a whole year

Well it seems that the universe took matters in to its own hands 

And since Saturday 

My scale has been broken 

Dead 

Done

Departed 

Finite

I took this as a sign that I should go ahead with my idea

So since Sunday the 21st June

There will be no weighing

Not until 21st June 2016

When I will reasses the situation

Already I feel a sense of freedom

Not knowing the number is liberating 

And not having the anxiety of weighing is a joy

So I think it's a good idea all around 

So it's all go again this week

Back to meetings

Back to Breda next week

Mary 

Seeing friends 

Back on the wagon

Back on track

Baby steps all the way....

D Day

As I type this

I am sitting in the doctors waiting room

I don't need to tell you that I am beyond nervous

I just saw him walk by

And I swear

My heart jumped in to my mouth

I lay awake last night 

Trying to piece together what I was going to say to him

Tossed and turned as I ran through the conversation in my head over and over

Trying to find the right words to explain my situation

It's not easy 

No one likes to admit that they f**ked up

Especially not to their doctor of over ten years

I just keep telling myself 

It will all be over in minutes

Then I can accept whatever decision he makes 

Walk out 

And start getting busy trying to recover

I'm a big girl

I can do this 

Slips are all part and parcel of recovery

I know this

My doctor knows this

Sometimes it's one step forward 

Two steps back

At least for me anyway

Edit: just out of the doctors

And sitting in the chemist waiting for my meds

M doctor knew by looking at me that there was something wrong

'How are you doing?'

'Eerrrmmm ok...'

'That's a very tentative ok'

I sat down and took a deep breath

'I've been messing around

Not with heroin

But with my meds'

'Ok why are you doing that?'

'I don't know

I just get anxious and bored and feel the need to break out every so often

The thing is I have my interview for my course this week and I really want to get back on track

And I'm all over the place at the monent

I can't trust myself at all'

'Are you using anything else?'

'No' I answered honestly 

'Ok' he said 

' you know what this means?'

'I know' I replied

'Daily dispensing fot at least the next couple of weeks

And as well as that I'm going to increase your methadone to 34mls'

Then he seemed to change his mind and said he would increase it to 36 mls

I was actually blown away by this 

That's a 12 ml increase

Any time he had increased it

It's only been by 2-4 mls

So this is him being very lenient

And I very much appreciate that

He spent some time tapping away on his keyboard 

Asking me questions 

Then he wrote out my script 

Told me to try and stay on the straight and narrow

I thanked him and left

It was all over in a matter of minutes

I left feeling a bit bewildered

But glad 

I can never tell how it's going to go with my doctor

Sometimes he over reacts

And gets really frustrated with me

Other times he is calm and collected 

And just gets on with the task in hand

I know I'm hard work

And not an easy case 

I'm sure I'm not who he wants to see first thing on a Monday morning

Me with my baggage and endless troubles with addiction and food

It just never seems to end 

If it's not drugs

It's meds

If it's not meds 

It's bulimia or anorexia

I'm sure I am a doctors worst nightmare

And I am lucky to have the doctor I do 

He has put up with more than a little BS from yours truly

And he is never anything short of kind

My doctor has a conscience

He is ethical

And upstanding

Always doing things by the book

Even though he gets paid handsomely for my methadone treatment 

He has been trying tirelessly for years to get me off it

I've known doctors clock up as many methadone patients as the can

And keep them on file for as long as they can

All in the name of money

I've cursed my doctor over the years

Wishing he would be just a little bit crooked

And prescribe me what ever I want

But in reality 

I know I'm lucky to have such a good doctor 

Even though my meds have been taken in hand 

There is still the opportunity to abuse them

I could store my meds

But I feel positive that I won't 

I have my interview for my course on Thursday

So I really want to be lucid and compos mentis 

The increase in methadone will probably have an effect on me

And make me a little sleepy

So I really want to avoid that on Thursday

I said to my mum today 

'I don't know if you've noticed but I've been abusing my meds recently' 

'Yes of course I have noticed' she replied

'I avoid you when you are like that and there is no talking to you.

It's like talking to a drunk person'

I don't know why

But I was surprised to hear this

Most of the time I go along thinking they no one else notices

But of course they do

It's hard not to miss

Hopefully this is the start of my turning around the meds situation once and for all

My doctor said he is going to reduce 

My methadone over the next few weeks

But I'll believe that when I see it

So all in all

It was a good result

And I feel hopeful about the future 

It just goes to show 

When I do the right thing

And be honest 

Good things do happen

I'd also like to thank all of you for your support, well wishes, advice, comments and emails

You guys have saved my sanity more times than I can count

Your support means more than you will ever know

Thank you

For being there

For listening

Reading 

For your words of wisdom

Your honesty

Your candour

For telling me what I need to hear

And not what I want to hear

Good friends are hard to come by

And I am blessed to count you among mine  

Fathers Day

It's Fathers Day here today

And it's also my other sisters birthday

So we are all having a family meal here

Which I am cooking

Chicken chasseur

It was only after I bought all the ingredients 

That I remembered that I made this the last time we all met up

But how and ever

I'm sure no one will even notice

I get on well with my Dad

And see him regularly

As you know 

My parents split up when I was 19

The best decision they ever made if you ask me

Growing up in our house was tough

There was often a grim atmosphere 

And my father drank a lot

My parents were constantly fighting

And I actually hated my father

I can distinctly remember being afraid of him

And worrued that he was going to kill us all

That is no exaggeration

But in recent years 

Things have drastically improved 

My father hasn't touched alcohol in years

And the family gets on much better

The only thing is 

That my father denies that he did anything wrong while we were growing up

So we avoid that subject like the plague 

I get on good with my Dad now

He spent a lot of time with me when I was really unwell

So I guess we have that bond

My Dad absolutely loves Honey and Lea

And they adore him

So we also have that

Which is nice

Anyway

On to other subjects

Regarding weighing

I think I am going to go ahead and discard my scale

And try to go a full year without weighing

Maybe I'm bonkers 

Maybe this is a terrible idea

But I feel compelled to do something

To take control of the whole weighing situation

However 

I will talk to Mary next week

To see what she thinks 

Call me crazy

And maybe I don't need to be so 'all or nothing'

But that's the way my brain works 

Let me know what you think about it

Last but not least 

I will leave you with today's outfit

Shirt - River Island

Skinny jeans - River Island

A year scale free?

I've been thinking a lot about the whole weighing situation 

At the end of my last session with Mary 

We decided that neither she or I would weigh me for the next few weeks

She also asked me to keep a food diary

And I made a commitment to eat regularly

And preferably not purge

Mary assures me that my body will find its own natural set point if I feed it correctly

To be honest

I haven't quite kept to the agreement about not weighing

And did so once yesterday

No good can come of it though

It's a lose lose situation

Do what is an eating disordered girl to do?

I remember a while ago

I stumbled across a blog over in Wordpress

The writer was documenting her life without weighing for a year

I remember thinking it was an amazing idea

She wrote every single day

And was recovering from an eating disorder

I think her year is up by now

It was an incredible experience for this blogger

And it is something I am thinking about doing

Getting rid of my scales

And not weighing for a whole year

It's just a thought at the moment

I haven't made an concrete commitment yet

I wanted to share the idea with you guys

To see what you think

Because the thing is

Weighing myself

And being weighed by Mary

Is really holding me back

And keeping me stuck in a negative thought cycle 

I hate knowing the number

Yet I feel compelled to step on the scale on a daily basis

And emotionally torture myself

I think not knowing at all is the best policy

I will know from my clothes if I am gaining or losing weight

So that will be my guideline

I really want to go by how I feel inside

Rather than go by how I look

After my conversation with Mary

It really hit home that I am Nevet going to be happy if I hang everything on what I weigh

Or how I look

I can finally see that happiness and contentment is an inside job

No number on a scale 

No clothes size

Can fulfil me

And fill the hole in my soul

I am regularly reading over my list of ten goals for the future 

They are what really matter

They are the things that are going to build my confidence and self esteem

They are going to help me develop a thick skin

And a back bone

Because right now I am putting too much weight in what I look like

I mean yea it's nice to look nice

Have nice hair

Flattering clothes 

They can make me feel good

But only temporarily

I need to find something with more substance

And more meaning

I need a reason to get up in the morning

To bound out of bed

And face the day head on

Righting now I am just drifting along

I'm abusing my meds

Struggling to stay clean and sober 

And hating myself most of the time

There is more to life than being a certain size and a certain weight

In this year without a scale 

I hope to find other ways of liking and loving myself

I hope to find value in me as person 

Not as just a body

I hope to sppreciate myself just the way I am

And not judge myself by how I look

The lovely Sam left such a lovely comment on my last past

She asked me why I am focusing on the wrapping and the box

When there is such a lovely gift inside

These are such kind and thoughtful words 

And they are so true

Our body is just a vessel 

A vehicle 

To house what really matters on the inside

Our personality

Our hopes and dreams

Our minds 

Our brains 

They are the important things

With all that said 

I was wondering what you think about this idea

Living scale free for a year?

Yay or nay?

Inquiring minds want to know......

Memories

During my last session with Mary

She reminded me of a time when she asked me to show her a photo of a time when I felt happy and content 

I remember bringing in the photo to her

It was taken seven or eight years ago

I was in my early twenties

My weight was stable

And even though I had my struggles

I remember feeling pretty good back then

The photo was taken in my brothers house

And I am surrounded by my brother

My mother

My nephew 

And my sister

I like this photo as I think I look healthy

Like I don't have a care in the world

There's a spark in my eyes

And I look alive

There's another photo I have that I like

It's no exaggeration to say that these two photos are probably the only ones I like of myself

This one was taken in Avignon

In France

Again about seven years ago

We stayed in a beautiful apartment

And it was one of my favourite holidays ever

In the photo

I am sitting by the door 

Waiting for my family before we head out to dinner 

I'm reading 

And seem engrossed in the book 

I have a cup of tea beside me

And a cigarette in my hand 

I wasn't aware at the time that the photo was being taken

And that is probably a good thing

As I look more natural 

To be honest 

I was struggling a lot at this time 

Was underweight 

And purged my way around France 

But even though things were tough 

I still really enjoyed the holiday

And have precious memories of it

Both these photos bring back lovely memories

And prove that there were times in my past when I was happy

Things weren't perfect

But then when are they perfect?

These photos are so precious to me

In my house

I am the one that buys photo frames 

And displays the photos 

I just think that having an actual photo

is amazing

It's great to have them on the computer

Or memory stick

But holding an actual photo is one of life's little pleasures 

For me anyway

So

On to the photos......

Tough session

I saw Mary yesterday

I wasn't expecting it

But it was a really tough session

With all the elements for a good drama

Anger 

Tears

Tragedy 

Comedy 

I feel like I ran the gamut of emotions

All in the space of the hour

First things first 

Mary wanted to weigh me

I had no objection to this 

As I had weighed that morning

And knew what my weight was

I didn't look at the number as I stood on the scale

For some reason 

Seeing the number is harder that hearing it

I put my shoes back on

She asked me what I thought my weight was

I gave her a number

Then she told me 

And flippin' Norah

It was two kilos heavier than my scale at home

Cue complete meltdown 

I just wanted to run out of the room 

At first I felt anger

Anger at myself for being so effected by the number

Anger at Mary's scales 

And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales 

She continued to speak to me

Asking me why I put so much weight on what I weigh

I barely heard of what she was saying

Couldn't even look her in the eye

I remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last week

And that could be muscle, faeces or fluid

I know that 

But it doesn't make it any easier

Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with her

About the benefits of having an ED

And the negatives

By now 

I had my head in my hands

And tears were stinging my eyes

I couldn't write the list

It was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out

Earlier on in the session

I had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sister

How I'm always interested in her weight

And sometimes ask her to try on my clothes 

So I can see the difference in what we weight

This is very eating disordered I know

And I need to stop doing it

Mary challenged me on this 

And I was starting to feel attacked

Although looking back 

I wasn't attacked

She was asking difficult questions 

Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recover

I said to Mary 

'I think I should go'

But she continued to speak to me

Now trying to make me see sense 

I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed 

When knowing the number had such a negative impact 

She said that it's important to know my set point

And to have at least an idea what I weigh

I don't agree 

But I see her point 

I was now starting to feel a little better

The initial shock of hearing the number was wearing off

Mary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years time

I listed ten things 

From being clean and sober 

To having my own place 

From recovering from my ED

To being in a relationship

Mary then asked me to number them in order of importance

Which I did

'Ruby

If you want to get well

And not care about weight or shape

These are the things you should concentrate on

Don't compare yourself to others

Don't body check

Don't weigh obsessively 

These are the things that matter to you really 

And if you do achieve them

Then you will be happy'

I've heard it a million and one times

That happiness works from the inside out

Not the outside in

But for some reason

Hearing Mary say those words 

It suddenly clicked with me

I'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight 

Because it's losing game

A game I can never win

Because my ED is never satisfied

Never

It's the same with my buying clothes all the time

I buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothing

And I am

For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul

But after the novelty has worn off

I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers

It's like a drug

Once you get and use the drug

You feel massive relief

But it doesn't last 

And so its on to the next fix

Hearing Mary say these words today

Looking at that list 

And feeling so raw and emotional

I suddenly had the revelation that no

I will never get well

Or be happy 

If I continue the way I am going 

With my food

With my meds 

With my constant need to shop for clothes

They are all just symptoms of a greater problem

And that problem is that I don't like me

That I am not worthy unless I am skinny

That I can only deal with life when I pop a pill

That me Ruby

A 33 year old woman

Can not handle life on life's terms

I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places

Looking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the pain

But in reality they only postpone it

And it comes back two fold 

Again and again

We were coming to the end of our session

Mary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've had

She is not wrong

This is all stuff I don't want to look at

Never mind deal with it 

But I must if I am going to get well

Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelation

I finally saw for the first time

That happiness does not come in a pill

It's not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

Happiness comes from the inside

Finding self worth

Self confidence

And self esteem

In knowing that I am ok just the way I am

That I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfection

I have come through drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia 

I'm lucky to have even made it this far

What I look like is irrelevant

I'm just glad to be still standing 

I don't know why this has never registered with me before

That in order to live a happy life

I need to do the things I love

Surround myself with people I love 

And reach for the goals I've set myself

I guess I am a slow learner

As this is only beginning to dawn on me

Better late than never I guess

Even though it was a really tough session

It ended well

She asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next week

And I thanked her for putting up with me

This is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their lives

A lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdown

And was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutes

In short 

Mary was well able for me

And she does it all in a kind way

I left the session feeling a little better

A bit clearer about what I need to do

So I marched out in to the big bad world 

My list of goals in one hand 

My car key in the other

Ready to do battle with this bitch

Once and for all.....

The meds situation

As you know

I've been struggling to take my meds properly

I misuse them about 5 days out of 7

And it's getting to the point where I think I want to do something about it 

Because I need to get my stuff together 

If I want to start my course in September

But not just that 

If I want to be truly clean and sober

And if I want to lead any semblance of a normal life

So it's decided 

I'm going to tell my doctor on Monday

I'm going to bite the bullet

And come clean

I can't go on like this

Spending my days face down

Cross legged

My head balancing on the top of my tea cup

Spilling endless drinks

Worrying my sister and mother

Going to meetings while drowsy

And that feels so wrong to me

Going to meetings 

While under the influence

It doesn't sit right with me

As with a lot of decisions I make

I think it's time for a good old fashioned pros and cons list

To sort out what I'm getting out of this behaviours 

And the negatives that effect my life

Of course the pros of this behaviour 

Are that I can check out of reality

And literally get out of my own head

This baffles me some

As my reality is not that bad

But it's been a pattern of mine over the years

Whether it's alcohol

Drugs

Food 

Shopping

Escaping life has always been part of my life

I guess I have it easy right now

I live in my family home

I don't have huge rent or a mortgage to pay

And money I get is mine to spend as I see fit

After I contribute to weekly shopping and bills

And also 

My meds cost very little each month

So I don't have to worry about that either

Prescription drugs are tricky

Because it's not like I'm taking an illicit drug

These meds are prescribed for me

And I am meant to take them

I'm not doing anything wrong when I take them

They are for legitimate medical conditions

But the thing is

My meds have not been reviewed in years

I was speaking to someone at a meeting one day

About anxiety

It turned out that we were both on the same anti anxiety meds

Except for the fact that I was on over double that he was on per day

And this was a big six foot guy

Surely that can't be right

Over the years 

My meds have accumulated

Especially during hospital stays

When meds tend to be tinkered with on almost a weekly basis

Trying to find that magical combination of drugs that heal us from the inside out

And of course 

So now that I am getting well from home

I probably don't need to be on as much medication

And I don't speak up about that

Because it suits me to have a lot of medication

Because I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

I'm not looking forward to telling my doctor about the situation

I don't want to let him down  

And I know I've manipulated him over the years 

It's not fair

And it's not right

Part of me is hoping he will increase my methadone

But that's the addict in me again

Rearing its ugly head

I really appreciate all your support during this

Apologies for not replying to comments the last couple of days 

Normal service resumes today