When one door closes....

....another window opens

And it's so true!

I went in to school on Tuesday to officially sign off of my course

I wasn't looking forward to going in

And seeing everyone 

But as luck would have it

I only ran in to a couple of the girls 

And they were lovely 

I had to go to one of my tutors 

He asked how things were going 

I told him I was struggling 

And needed to take some time off

He said the door is always open 

And that I had been doing really well with my course work

Pity he didn't tell me that at the time 

I could have done with some positive feedback 

Anyway 

I am now off the course 

And I have to tell you 

It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders

And I'm not the only one 

Three other girls have left too

But I'll get back to that 

I went home feeling relieved 

If a little sad about what to do next 

I got home 

Later on 

My sister came in from work

And said she needed to speak to me 

Apparently 

There is a guy she works with 

Who has a pony 

And needs help looking after him

My interest was instantly peaked 

The horse is a piebald cob

He used to belong to travellers 

Who used him to pull vehicles 

And generally didn't treat him well 

His present owner has him about a year 

And up until recently he had a horsey companion who unfortunately died 

So the owner thinks the pony is lonely 

I immediately emailed the owner 

Who sent me information and pictures 

The pony has been renamed Coco

And needs help to be caught 

And fed

So I am going to visit Coco and his owner tomorrow 

And I don't need to tell you 

I am super excited!

I am going to show that pony so much love he won't know what hit him

But first things first 

We need to be introduced 

We need to build a relationship and trust 

And I have  I doubt it will take time 

Patience is not a virtue I possess 

Being a greedy addict 

I want everything now!

I just know this pony is going to teach me so much 

I haven't even met him and I love him already!

Now I know I made the right decision about my course 

This is what I want to be doing 

Helping animals that have had a bad start in life 

And show them love and care and trust 

I just know me and Coco are going to be besties...

In other news

I went back to horse therapy this week

Back with my friends 

And my buddy Star

It was amazing 

I loved every second

I would post pictures but this app won't let me for some reason

By the way

If anyone wants to be friends on Facebook

Email me and I'll give you my name

I also met one of the girls from my course for tea yesterday 

She also has left the course 

We had a great chat 

And compared notes about our experience 

We are a similar age 

And we both found the classroom difficult 

The gossip

Discussing everyone's business 

We came to the conclusion that our horsemanship tutor was great 

But our horse riding instructor was really tough going 

The atmosphere in that stables was tense 

We were shouted at 

Ridiculed 

I was a nervous wreck going to the stables each week

To the point that I was dreading going in 

I also had to question where I was going after the course 

And what kind of job I wanted to get 

I now know that my heart lies in the rescue of animals 

I'm not really interested in competing or anything like it 

I want to help horses and donkeys 

That is my calling I think

And of course horse riding is a great hobby

For both physical and mental exercise 

All I know is that animals make me so happy 

My own dogs are two life savers 

I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me 

Which is why I was so upset over Leas recent diagnosis 

She is doing well though 

She gets her meds every morning 

She's eating and drinking well

Her form is good 

She is on rest thoughts 

So no walkers for her

Which I think she is finding tough

The vet recommended swimming though 

So when the weather improves I will bring her to the natural pool down at the beach

She is going back to the vet next week

So hopefully she continues up stay well

As for me?

I am doing pretty good 

I feel stable 

My body feels strong and able

Purging is a rarity 

And I'm not restricting or weighing 

I look ok

I don't love it 

But I don't hate it either 

I was speaking with my Dad this morning 

We were in the supermarket 

And he asked me if I needed Anything 

I said no

I didn't need anything 

He reminded me of the days I used up but bags of shopping every day

Spending a fortune on food that would eventually be flushed down the drain

It. Was. Bat shit crazy! 

I was a woman possessed 

I spent my days eating and purging 

Weighing myself multiple times a day 

My mood as well as my weight was like a yo-yo

Very unstable 

Very out of control

It was pretty scary 

To feel like I just couldn't stop

I used to wake up in the night 

And eat a packet of biscuits no bother to me

Now the thought of purging makes me come out in a cold sweat 

Now I eat little abs often 

I don't binge 

I don't restrict 

At this point 

I must stress

That things are by no means perfect 

They never will be 

And that's ok 

I am doing my level best 

And I am as close to happy as I have ever been 

But I must admit 

Like a typical addict 

I tend to look for replacements for the issue that I have under control

And for the last couple of years 

That addiction has bounced to my spending money 

Namely on clothes

Last year 

When I was working 

I was earning a nice little wage 

I saved nothing

Nada 

Not a red cent 

I spent all my money on Fatface and Superdry and Roxy 

My room is bursting at the seams with hoodies and jeans and shoes and boots 

It's ridiculous 

More madness

I see something in line 

And I think to myself 

'If I had that jacket, my life would be complete!'

I buy it 

I get the parcel in the post 

I feel excited opening it

Trying it on 

And the novelty soon wears off

Then

I'm straight back on the web looking at more clothes 

Make of that what you will

I gave an addictive personality 

When I become interested in something 

I am so enthusiastic 

So eager to learn and do and help

Now that I have realised the madness of my internet shopping 

That issue had to be replaced 

And it has been replaced 

By horses 

Which is pretty healthy compared to some of my own past addictions and obsessions

At least I can't harm myself or anyone around me 

This is just me. 

When I like something 

I love it and just want to be around it all the time 

And will do anything to do so

This is why I made a good addict 

Single minded and stubborn to the bitter end 

But 

Even though I go from zero to sixty in jig time 

It can be a good thing 

I get things done quickly and efficiently 

But it also means I tend not to pace myself 

And jump in feet first without thinking things through 

I guess it's both a blessing and a curse 

So

I think that is all the news from my world 

Lots of positive things happening 

I feel good about the future 

I feel positive that everything will be ok

I will be ok

 I

Will

Be

Ok....

2017

A new year friends

Where is the time going?

This year I am five years blogging 

It's been an amazing few years

So many highs and lows

Ups and downs 

Relapses and slips 

Trying to recover 

Trying to fight for a better life 

I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas 

I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time 

My appetite is non existent at the moment 

I don't know why 

But I can't even look at food 

Never mind eat the stuff

I guess they could be stress related too

Also still have diarrhoea on a regular basis 

Which makes no sense at all

But that's an anxious, recovering body for you

Over the break 

I was supposed to make a decision about my course 

To continue or not to continue 

This is the major cause of my stress 

Not being able to make a decision

Fearing I'll make the wrong decision

And changing my mind ten times a day

I decided to look at my other options 

And booked a lesson at a stables near my house 

Which I've never been to before 

It was a private lesson yesterday 

It was an outdoor arena

And damn was it cold!

But I learned so much 

And was given some great advice that really helped my technique

So I booked a lesson for next week

And the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready 

As well as staying after for a while too

This is all great 

The downside is the cost 

It was €40 for an hour long private lesson

That is almost a quarter of my weekly budget 

But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years 

At least this is something worthwhile 

I guess I will see how I manage 

If I can't afford it 

I can't afford it

Then today 

I met my friend Fintan 

And went back to horse therapy 

Where I started my horse riding journey 

I didn't get to ride 

But it was so nice to see everyone 

I missed them

I had a chat with the lady 

And she said I can always go back there 

As well as doing the six week course they are running 

So that's another option 

I just need to make a decision

I contacted our course tutor today 

And made an appointment to see her on Friday 

I just feel so torn 

The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious 

But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sad

I think I know what I need to do though 

There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad 

Still though 

It's another thing I've started and not finished 

I wonder if people will feel disappointed 

Let down 

But despite that 

I think it's the right thing to do 

There are other things to consider 

My recovery 

Before Christmas 

My meds were all over the place 

I was misusing them 

Using them to knock myself out 

I came clean to my doctor 

He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds 

And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist 

Yes 

It's a pain in the buttocks 

But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow 

So yea 

There is a lot going on

But that's life isn't it?

There's always something 

Bumps in the road 

It's just a matter that of keeping going 

Despite what life throws at you 

And look

Whatever happens 

I'll be around horses 

In one way or another 

I still visit my little white pony friend down the road

She is a total pet 

I've started bringing the dogs to see her too

And she is very curious to see the

Now when she sees me coming 

She greets me with a nicker 

And comes running over 

After three months of visiting her 

She has started to let me pet her 

Which is huge progress I think 

I had been given advice 

That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything 

So I decided to leave a note for the owner 

I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favourite purple pen 

And sellotaped it to the gate 

I went back the next day to check if it was gone 

And I found the pony eating it 

Go figure...

Anyway 

That's all that's happening in my little world 

Hopefully now I have more time 

I will get to blog and read more then I currently am

I wish you all a very happy new year 

And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017

By the way 

Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?

Yea 

Me too

Until the next post....

29 Part 2

Apologies that the last two posts have been a bit all over the place
For some reason blogger won't let me go back and edit them
So Part 1 ends very abruptly
But I will try and pick up where I left off
So yes
I'm in the supermarket
Picking up anything that looks good
Bread
Ham
Relish
Crisps
Chocolate
Pasta
Pizza
Biscuits
Peanuts
And of course a big bottle of 7up
All the easier to purge with my dear
There is no rhyme or reason
It's a shopping frenzy
I'm craving both savoury and sweet in equal amounts
Then I head to the check out
Although I have been known to walk straight out of the shop without paying
But I haven't done that in a long time thankfully
Being caught tends to cop you on
My food could cost anything up to €50
Which is a lot if you're buying this every day
I pack all my shopping
And head for home
I drive at break neck speed
I can't wait to get home and dive head first in to a messy, tasty full on, mo holds barred binge
I plan what I'm going to eat in what order
I get home and immediately get a big pot of pasta on
While it's cooking
I break open the peanuts
And literally inhale them
Barely even chewing them
I get area in my living room ready
I sit on the floor
So I put newspaper down
Bring in salt and pepper
And a pint glass of 7up
I find a good show to watch
And I am good to go
I Hoover up the pasta
With gulps of 7up
I eat much more than I am comfortable with
As I know it won't be staying down for long
As soon as the food is devoured
I'm always on the way down to the bathroom
Lock the door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Now over the toilet bowel
I barely have to use my fingers
As the food heaves it's way back up
After the deed is done
I clean myself and anything else that needs it
And head back up for round two
The day goes on like this
A constant, relentless march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
The food goes down
Then comes back up
Again
And again
And again
This is the life of a bulimic
A binge is defined so by its secretive nature
And like any addict worth their salt
You become adept at mastering your crime
This is the reality of an eating disorder
It's messy
It's disgusting
It brings you to your rock bottom
I can't even tell you how I got out of that cycle
As I'm not even fully sure myself
But I got out
I was lucky
I can't even imagine having the energy or the stamina to do that now
And it all just seems like a dreadful waste of time, money and energy
I am so glad to have made it out the other side
That life was killing me slowly
Now I am living
I eat to live
I don't live to eat
I will be ok
And so will you....

29 Part 1

It's that funny time of the holidays
The days in between Christmas and New Years
When you don't know what day it is
What time it is
When time ceases  to have any meaning
I'm off school until next Tuesday
So I still have a few more days off
My best friend  called out yesterday
Fintan
I met him through horse therapy
Back in March of this year
We clicked
And have become firm friends since
So he called out to me yesterday
We had lunch with my parents
Then for a walk on the beach
We talked
We laughed
Me took selfies
And laughed at the results
He knows that I am trying to make a decision about whether to continue my course or not
And he hasn't said it outright
But from what I can gather
He doesn't think I should be paying the price of my health for my course
And it is suffering
I'm a ball of anxiety
Which in turn is giving me severe attacks of diarrhoea
Which is draining me physically And mentally
So I decided to see what other options were open to me
And rang a stables near to my house
And asked about doing lessons
As well as learning about the care of horses
And stable and yard management
Which is all possible
She said if she finds me useful she will keep me around
I also have the option of going back to horse therapy
And they are actually starting a course about horse husbandry too
So there are a few options
I can't lie
The thought of going back to school fills me with dread
The only thing keeping me there is the horses
If there was no horse riding on this course
There is not a hope in hell I would be doing it
That says it all I think
Anyway
I have it talked to death
So I am going to stop writing about it too

In other news
I was in my local supermarket this morning
I was stocking up on dog supplies
And was at the self service check out
When I hear someone say 'Hello stranger'
I looked up
And saw a girl that I haven't seen in years
I know her through recovery
As she had very similar issues to me
With food, alcohol and drugs
I gave  her a huge hug
And we stood and chatted for a while
The last time I saw her
She had relapsed back in to her ED
And was not in a good place
But today
I was delighted to hear that she is now back on track
When we were friendly
We used to go to meetings together
Including food meetings
This girl was on a food plan
Where she weighed and measured all her  food
And completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour
I always thought it was extreme
And didn't even attempt to try it
So this girl moved 5 hours away
To go to treatment
And is now. Training to be a personal trainer
I was delighted to see her
And to see her doing so well
We talked about the madness of our EDs
And it really was pure insanity
It got me thinking about my own eating disorder
And the black hole I was in I can remember two years ago
When I was on the endless fucked up ride that is bulimia
I swear
I don't know how I did it
Back then
This is how my day went
Wake up with a food hangover
Use the loo
Strip
Weigh myself
And measured my self hatred by the number that flashed in front of me
Then
Cup of tea and a smoke
And I would see what kind of food I was craving that day
Check the cupboards
And make a mental list of what foods I needed to buy
Then I would jump in my car with the dogs
And head to the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
I often became weak and dizzy
And had to sit down to gather my strength
Walk over
I headed to the supwrmar
And make a mental list of what food I needed to buy
Then I'd jump in my car with my dogs
And head for the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
As I regularly felt dizzy and weak
And often had to sit to gather my strength
After that I would head to the supermarket
Hunger is the best sauce
I would grab a basket
And begin throwing food in to it
Bread
Ham
Relish

27

And so Christmas came and went
Just like any other day
It was fine
Quiet
I got a lovely pair of boots
Socks
And my neighbour got me a selfie stick which I thought was comical
As she is 77
I don't stress about the food part anymore
I don't eat any more than normal
And there is only so much chocolate and rich food I can take
I ate my Christmas dinner
But did not keep it down
Yes
My old nemesis bulimia still rears her ugly head from time to time
But
As I always say
It's about progress not perfection
And I am doing a hell of a a lot better than I was doing last Christmas
Forty pounds lighter and in that horrible binge purge cycle
So I guess I have had my one year recovery anniversary
Which is pretty cool!
I'm also using the break to take stock
And figure out whether to continue my course or not
It's not an easy decision as you can imagine
There many pros and cons to both sides
I mean is it really worth putting myself through so much hurt and anxiety?
Battling crippling low esteem and confidence
But having said that
I love the course
And I'm always on a high when I do a successful day at school
I guess it's. it the end of the world if I do give it up
I can go back to horse therapy
I can do private lessons
I can help out the horsey people in my area
Whatever happens
I know one thing for sure
I will be involved with horses one way or another
I've fallen for them hard
And just try taking that away from me
So I guess I need to make a decision
I'm supposed to be back to school next Tuesday
So I have a lot of thinking to do
Although it's not going to be easy
There's a lot about the course that is great
I have structure to my day
I spend time with my school friends
And of course I get to do three lessons a week
As well as be around horses for two days a week
It's a lot to give up
My tutor emailed me last Friday
A list of things I had achieved since starting the course
It was quite impressive
And it was so lovely of her to do that
She has been a great support
She also mentioned that I could take extended leave in the new year if I need to
It's great that I have so much support
It makes things so much more bearable
Anyway
I will keep you updated

In other news
I was on the phone the other day
In my Mams room
And there was a weighing scales on the floor
I stood on it with one foot
And it gave me an incredibly high number
I panicked
And decided to weigh myself properly
So I waited until this morning
Stripped to my birthday suit
And stepped on
The number was much lower than last night
Thank you Lord
So my BMI is about 20 - 21
Which is just fine with me
Crisis averted

How was your Christmas?

Christmas

I love the build up to Christmas
I love the music
The lights
The atmosphere
The way people are jolly and friendly
And everyone gives generously to good causes
There is a storm here today
We were supposed to be going in to town for lunch
But the weather is so bad we had to cancel
I don't mind though
Going out to eat is not really my idea of fun
I associate restaurants with stress and anxiety
And purging can be a problem too
So I tend to avoid such occasions
And anyway
It's nice to stay indoors when the weather is wild

I don't know if I wrote about it already
But I spoke to my doctor last week
About the fact that I was misusing my meds
In order to deal with anxiety
His response was to increase my methadone by 10mls
And my olanzapine to 15mg
He also put me on daily dispensing
So I had to go in to the chemist every day
And be supervised taking it
It actually really helped
Because I had the correct amount every day
My doctor also reduced my methadone every couple of days m
To try and get me back down to my original dose
So this weewôk has been tough
I took the week off  school
My tutor texted me
To let me know that I can take extended leave if I need to in January if I am still
Struggling
She also said something lovely to me
That I well liked
And I am a positive influence in the group
It made my day to hear that
It's the little things
I just need to make a decision
Either I am doing this course and I throw myself into it
Or I cut my losses
And go back to horse therapy
I was speaking with my best friend last night
And I was telling him how nice it was to have the Christmas break
That I felt a weight had been lifted
He said that it shouldn't be this hard
And that the course may be doing me more harm than good
I don't know but what I do know is I can't go on like this
Driving myself and everyone around me nuts
So I will make a decision before the break ends

Anyway
In the mean time
I will do my best to enjoy the holidays
And try to pass as a sane and normal human lol
Take care of

So this is Christmas....

I wanted to take this opportunity
To wish you my blogger friends
A very happy and peaceful
And a fantastic new year
Christmas has really crept up on us this year
It's hard to believe that another year is coming to an end
It's been an interesting year to say the least
But a really good one
I also wanted to say thank you
To each and every one of you
For your friendship
Your kindness
Your understanding
Your kind words
Your love and positivity
It is much appreciated
And means more than you know
I know that a lot of you are struggling at the moment
And Christmas will not be an enjoyable time for many
Some are struggling with depression or anxiety
Some are dreading the holidays and the emphasis on food
At the end of the day
It's just another day
And we will get through it
We've got through them all so far
We will be ok

I was speaking to my tutor today
And she told me that I can take some extended time off if I need to
I'm hoping it won't come to that
And I'll get back on track before the next term starts
I'm not giving up
I refuse to give up
I am doing my level best
I am trying and fighting every single day
I'm going to try and sort my head out over the Christmas break
And not beat myself up in the mean time
I'm going to give myself a break
Highlight the positive
And discard the negative

So
Happy Christmas to you
And your family
Wherever you are
Whether you are struggling
Or are in recovery
If you are lonely
Sad depressed
Anxious
If you are in a good place
Or a bad place
If you choose not celebrate Christmas
This is for you
You
Matter
You are important
You are precious
You are the only you there is
You are irreplaceable
You are unique
You are loved...