Hey guys,
I hope you're well today,
I'm kind of reeling today after my session with Mary yesterday.
I was so nervous going in to see her that I even considered cancelling the appointment.
But I sucked it up and decided to take some responsibility for once in my life. The first question she always asks me is 'So how have you been?'
I explained that it had been a tough week and firstly about the laxatives. She looked concerned and told me about the adverse effects of laxative abuse. I nodded that I understood but didn't tell that it meant nothing to me if they ravaged my body. I wish I card more but I don't.
I knew that if I put it off any longer that I wouldn't go through with it but it was so hard to find the words.
Eventually I got it out and said 'There's something else I've been doing that I haven't told you about, I've been shoplifting food and other items' I braced myself for a look of horror but she just took a moment and then said 'ok'. I explained how it hard started when I was using drugs and I had just never stopped.
She told I would get caught, no two ways about it.
She told me that the shops I lift from may already know what I'm doing and could be gathering evidence until they are 100% sure. She said the shops will know exactly what items are going missing when they are stocktaking so that would also give me away.
This absolutely terrified me, to think that they may already know. I live in a small town so the word would spread like wildfire. On a good note it has scared me enough to make me stop. I was starting to feel invincible. that I would never get caught. This information changes everything. The thought of getting caught now terrifies me enough not to do it. In the end I was glad I told her. Holding all to all these secrets is draining, having to look over my shoulder all the time. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing today.
She then asked me how I was getting on with my meds. I told her I had overused one day.
She then explained that because this behaviour could harm me that she would have to tell my doctor and my psychiatrist. I had a feeing she was going to say this. I asked her for the option of telling my doctor myself on Monday. She agreed to this but said if she saw him before that, which see probably would, that she would have to tell him. I felt heartbroken because I know my doctor will be disappointed in me. He thinks I'm doing so well. I know she's doing this to help me but that doesn't make it any easier at the moment.
I get a weeks supply of meds so they will probably change this to picking it up every second day.
This is a pain in the ass but I understand why they need to do this. My mother will be happy about this so that makes me happy.
So that's it, all my dirty little secrets are out.
I do feel relieved, no more lying. no more stealing no more feeling guilty.
After seeing Mary I went to a shop that I normally lift from. The fear was there so I bought and paid for all my items. I guess it's a healthy fear so that's good.
I came home and I could just feel a binge coming on.
I had all these feelings flying around and I didn't know what to do with myself.
By the end of the day I had binged and purged 10-12 times. I haven't had a day that bad in a while and I was exhausted afterwards.
Today is a new day. A lot of the time I keep binge food in the house and this has to stop. I really need a break from it, it's doing my head in. I have my food planned for the day and I intend to stick to it.
Thanks for reading this and for your support,
Much love to you xxx
Thursday 7 June 2012
Wednesday 6 June 2012
Suck it up Ruby
Good morning lovely ladies,
I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.
I woke up this morning late, I always sleep late after taking too much meds. I was sitting having a cup or tea and a cigarette when I put my hand to my hair. I felt something sticky and crumbly and when I looked in the mirror I saw chocolate matted in to my hair.I must've fallen asleep on a chocolate bar. This is just one example of things that happen when I take too much meds. Very classy Ruby. And yet I never learn my lesson and no doubt I will take my meds in the same way again today.
Speaking of today, I'm seeing Mary in a couple of hours. I've decided to pull up my big girl pants and confess to her about the shoplifting. I have to do it and I know she won't judge me but that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm sure she will have dealt with this kind of thing before and will have some advice for me.
I'll let you know how I get on.
As I was walking my dogs in the woods this morning I felt an overwhelming sense of relief to be away from my heroin addicted days. I know I am still reliant on methadone and meds but that is nothing compared to heroin addiction. I thought about my first time in drug treatment and thought I would share it with you.
I wrote recently about the opiate blocker implant I got in London and soon after that I travelled to Dublin to attend treatment. It was September and I was just about to turn 23. I had really no interest in going to treatment but I needed time away from drugs and I also did it for my family. I was about 84lbs but I had no idea that I had an eating disorder as well as a drug addiction. I was the only girl for the first couple of days but then a girl called Anna came in. We soon became partners in crime. She had an eating disorder too and I saw a lot of myself in her. She actually helped me to admit to my food issues and I am forever grateful for that.
Our friendship wasn't always healthy though and she soon started to smuggle in hash to the treatment centre.
I had never been much of a hash smoker but I smoked with her out the window of her bedroom. We also abused aerosol cans. I remember one night inhaling a can in my room, I was smoking a cigarette when I passed out. When I woke up the cigarette wass burning a hole in my cheek.
We continued to use until we were eventually caught. We weren't kicked out but Anna soon left after that.
Because of the aerosol cans aerosols were banned in the centre after that and everyone had to use roll ons.
After Anna left I started to settle down and got stuck in to the programme. They helped me a lot with my food and weight gain and I made good progress.
Things started to change when a couple of lads my own age came in. I wrote before how I started to see one of these lads after I left treatment. I started getting in trouble again and stopped talking so much in group as I didn't want these lads to think less of me. My key worker tried to get me to see sense and engage in the programme again but I was falling for this boy and all I wanted to do was impress him.
As I wrote before there was a lot of midnight meetings in the centre, people hooking up. I however never did this. After 6 months my time was coming to an end, I still had a lot of work to do so I went straight to another treatment centre on a farm. It was supposed to be for a year but I only lasted a month.
On returning home I hooked up with that boy and promptly relapsed.
That was my first treatment admission.
I must dash so I won't be late for Mary, wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.
I woke up this morning late, I always sleep late after taking too much meds. I was sitting having a cup or tea and a cigarette when I put my hand to my hair. I felt something sticky and crumbly and when I looked in the mirror I saw chocolate matted in to my hair.I must've fallen asleep on a chocolate bar. This is just one example of things that happen when I take too much meds. Very classy Ruby. And yet I never learn my lesson and no doubt I will take my meds in the same way again today.
Speaking of today, I'm seeing Mary in a couple of hours. I've decided to pull up my big girl pants and confess to her about the shoplifting. I have to do it and I know she won't judge me but that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm sure she will have dealt with this kind of thing before and will have some advice for me.
I'll let you know how I get on.
As I was walking my dogs in the woods this morning I felt an overwhelming sense of relief to be away from my heroin addicted days. I know I am still reliant on methadone and meds but that is nothing compared to heroin addiction. I thought about my first time in drug treatment and thought I would share it with you.
I wrote recently about the opiate blocker implant I got in London and soon after that I travelled to Dublin to attend treatment. It was September and I was just about to turn 23. I had really no interest in going to treatment but I needed time away from drugs and I also did it for my family. I was about 84lbs but I had no idea that I had an eating disorder as well as a drug addiction. I was the only girl for the first couple of days but then a girl called Anna came in. We soon became partners in crime. She had an eating disorder too and I saw a lot of myself in her. She actually helped me to admit to my food issues and I am forever grateful for that.
Our friendship wasn't always healthy though and she soon started to smuggle in hash to the treatment centre.
I had never been much of a hash smoker but I smoked with her out the window of her bedroom. We also abused aerosol cans. I remember one night inhaling a can in my room, I was smoking a cigarette when I passed out. When I woke up the cigarette wass burning a hole in my cheek.
We continued to use until we were eventually caught. We weren't kicked out but Anna soon left after that.
Because of the aerosol cans aerosols were banned in the centre after that and everyone had to use roll ons.
After Anna left I started to settle down and got stuck in to the programme. They helped me a lot with my food and weight gain and I made good progress.
Things started to change when a couple of lads my own age came in. I wrote before how I started to see one of these lads after I left treatment. I started getting in trouble again and stopped talking so much in group as I didn't want these lads to think less of me. My key worker tried to get me to see sense and engage in the programme again but I was falling for this boy and all I wanted to do was impress him.
As I wrote before there was a lot of midnight meetings in the centre, people hooking up. I however never did this. After 6 months my time was coming to an end, I still had a lot of work to do so I went straight to another treatment centre on a farm. It was supposed to be for a year but I only lasted a month.
On returning home I hooked up with that boy and promptly relapsed.
That was my first treatment admission.
I must dash so I won't be late for Mary, wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
Tuesday 5 June 2012
Weird huh?
Good morning my dears,
I hope this post finds you well today.
The dreaded withdrawels did not happen as bad as I feared. I experienced some discomfort but nothing I couldn't handle, my nose was running like a tap and my eyes were streaming but I managed to get some sleep so I am grateful for that. I remember the last time that I went into withdrawel. I was visiting my sister in Australia for a month and had a months worth of methadone with me. I binged on it the first week I was there and left myself so short that I only had enough left to take it every second day. The flight home was a nightmare. I was I in physical pain and mental torture and thought I would never get home,thank God it was nowhere nearly as bad this time.
Usual Tuesday morning routine for me today, doctors appointment first thing, then the chemist, then walked my dogs. My doctor is the nicest man but we rarely talk about anything medical. Today we talked about the Jubilee and he briefly asked me how therapy is going. I suppose I see him so often that we end up talking about other things like books or films. Is that weird?
I walked my dogs in the chilly morning drizzle and I listened to the radio. The radio is a lifeline for me, I listen to phone in/chat shows and it helps to quiet my racing mind and take me out of my own head. I used to listen to a show called 'The Gerry Ryan Show' and I loved it. It was at a time when I was drug addicted and deeply depressed. I'm more of a listener than a talker and I find it relaxing to listen to others talking without having to speak myself. So this show got me through the morning and by the time it was over at 12pm I always felt a little better. Gerry died suddenly 2 years ago and I was devastated, He was so funny and full of life that I couldn't quite believe it. He died of heart failure and it then came out that he was abusing cocaine, I had heard this but I didn't want to believe it. He left behind 6 children. I didn't know what to do so I wrote his wife letter to tell her how much he had helped me during a very dark time in my life. The show that replaced him is not nearly as good and I still miss him. I suppose it was an unlikely place to get help. Does anything out of the ordinary help you?
Another invaluable source of support are my 2 dogs. I've had them for 7 years and cannot imagine life without them. Again they take me away from myself and help calm the committee in my head. When I cannot find a reason to get out of bed I have to get up for them. When I don't want to leave my house I have to get out to walk them. There would be something very wrong if I stopped taking care of my dogs. They are such good company and give unconditional love. I remember seeing a t-shirt once with the slogan 'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am'. So true.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but enough to make me smile.
I'm very aware that my food habits get stranger and stranger. I've noticed that I only eat foods that I find easy to purge and if I know I can't purge then I don't eat. The only place I feel comfortable eating is at home. I also seem to be developing weird habit with my utensils. I will only eat with certain knives and forks and also only use certain cups, plates and bowls. It's more than a bit OCD and I'm not sure of the reason for this. Have any of you experienced this
I know that I promised my mother that I wouldn't but I took double my methadone and anxiety meds this morning. She is away until Thursday and I figured what she won't know won't hurt her. Gut it is still wrong and I feel guilty already. I do it to sleep the day away and get a break from my eating disorder. I crave escape and oblivion and sleep is a sweet release. I will be honest tomorrow and tell Mary, she might be able to give me some advice. I also gave in to another temptation this morning and shoplifted 2 packets of twix.
Again I feel incredibly guilty about this but nor enough to make me stop. I'm not even sure why I do this, yes money is tight but that is not the real reason. Getting caught does not bare thinking about but I know it is inevitable. That would shame me to no end but still I do it. It's hard to admit to this behaviour but I have to be accountable somewhere. Any suggestions on this matter would be gratefully received.
I hope you all have a lovely day and much love to you all,
Until tomorrow xxx
I hope this post finds you well today.
The dreaded withdrawels did not happen as bad as I feared. I experienced some discomfort but nothing I couldn't handle, my nose was running like a tap and my eyes were streaming but I managed to get some sleep so I am grateful for that. I remember the last time that I went into withdrawel. I was visiting my sister in Australia for a month and had a months worth of methadone with me. I binged on it the first week I was there and left myself so short that I only had enough left to take it every second day. The flight home was a nightmare. I was I in physical pain and mental torture and thought I would never get home,thank God it was nowhere nearly as bad this time.
Usual Tuesday morning routine for me today, doctors appointment first thing, then the chemist, then walked my dogs. My doctor is the nicest man but we rarely talk about anything medical. Today we talked about the Jubilee and he briefly asked me how therapy is going. I suppose I see him so often that we end up talking about other things like books or films. Is that weird?
I walked my dogs in the chilly morning drizzle and I listened to the radio. The radio is a lifeline for me, I listen to phone in/chat shows and it helps to quiet my racing mind and take me out of my own head. I used to listen to a show called 'The Gerry Ryan Show' and I loved it. It was at a time when I was drug addicted and deeply depressed. I'm more of a listener than a talker and I find it relaxing to listen to others talking without having to speak myself. So this show got me through the morning and by the time it was over at 12pm I always felt a little better. Gerry died suddenly 2 years ago and I was devastated, He was so funny and full of life that I couldn't quite believe it. He died of heart failure and it then came out that he was abusing cocaine, I had heard this but I didn't want to believe it. He left behind 6 children. I didn't know what to do so I wrote his wife letter to tell her how much he had helped me during a very dark time in my life. The show that replaced him is not nearly as good and I still miss him. I suppose it was an unlikely place to get help. Does anything out of the ordinary help you?
Another invaluable source of support are my 2 dogs. I've had them for 7 years and cannot imagine life without them. Again they take me away from myself and help calm the committee in my head. When I cannot find a reason to get out of bed I have to get up for them. When I don't want to leave my house I have to get out to walk them. There would be something very wrong if I stopped taking care of my dogs. They are such good company and give unconditional love. I remember seeing a t-shirt once with the slogan 'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am'. So true.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but enough to make me smile.
I'm very aware that my food habits get stranger and stranger. I've noticed that I only eat foods that I find easy to purge and if I know I can't purge then I don't eat. The only place I feel comfortable eating is at home. I also seem to be developing weird habit with my utensils. I will only eat with certain knives and forks and also only use certain cups, plates and bowls. It's more than a bit OCD and I'm not sure of the reason for this. Have any of you experienced this
I know that I promised my mother that I wouldn't but I took double my methadone and anxiety meds this morning. She is away until Thursday and I figured what she won't know won't hurt her. Gut it is still wrong and I feel guilty already. I do it to sleep the day away and get a break from my eating disorder. I crave escape and oblivion and sleep is a sweet release. I will be honest tomorrow and tell Mary, she might be able to give me some advice. I also gave in to another temptation this morning and shoplifted 2 packets of twix.
Again I feel incredibly guilty about this but nor enough to make me stop. I'm not even sure why I do this, yes money is tight but that is not the real reason. Getting caught does not bare thinking about but I know it is inevitable. That would shame me to no end but still I do it. It's hard to admit to this behaviour but I have to be accountable somewhere. Any suggestions on this matter would be gratefully received.
I hope you all have a lovely day and much love to you all,
Until tomorrow xxx
Monday 4 June 2012
Glutton for punishment
Good morning lovelies,
I hope you are enjoying the this long and lazy weekend and that all you Brits had a good Jubilee weekend.
I seem to have lost the ability to type this morning, everytime I read back a sentence it is complete gibberish.
Anyway I'll press on.
I went to the shop and walked my dogs with my pyjamas under my clothes, a reflection of my state of mind today but it was early and I think I got away with it.
Even after my horrid experience with laxatives on Saturday I binged on them again yesterday. I am the very definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Why did I do this? I know better, I know they are a waste of time and just leave me feeling sick. bloated and regretful. The bloating remains today.
Also I made a very stupid mistake and miscalculated my methadone doses for the week. I forgot to take into account the bank holiday and add that to my indulging on Monday and I have left myself 2 days short. Not clever and not good. I fear I will go into withdrawel.
I must make it clear that I do not get high or get any sort of buzzy feeling off methadone, it simply keeps the withdrawels at bay and keeps me feeling 'normal'. Withdrawel from methadone is not pretty, some say it is even worse than heroin withdrawel. I've not experienced withdrawel in a long time but I have not forgotten how
painful it is. A time that springs to mind was one week that I visited my grandad with my mother. I had brought drugs with me but I was always greedy and used them all two days before we left. I spent the last night up all night in horrific pain. I could almost handle physical pain or mental torture on their own but both together and that is just to much to bear. Physical symptoms include alternate cold chills and hot sweats, painful stomach and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhoea not to mention insomnia many more delights. That night was endless and I felt like I was dying, like my body was turning inside out. You would think this would've turned me off drugs but it just made me crave them even more.
I must add that it probably won't get this bad as methadone stays in the system longer than heroin so I might just get away with a sleepless night and some discomfort (I just typed uncomfort). Here's hoping!
Tomorrow is the start of a new week and a fresh start. I plan to listen to my body and not deny myself.
I plan to walk my dogs twice a day now that the evenings are long and warm.
I want to want recovery more than anything, I promise I do. Maybe I should take heed from my ex-sponsor and fake it til I make it.
I wish I wanted more for myself
I wish I could overcome my anxieties and fears
I wish I could find the courage to go back to my support group
I wish I wanted recovery
I wish you did too
I wish I didn't value measure my worth by how much I weigh
I wish, I wish I wish...........
I watched The Time Travellers Wife last night, it made me cry. I wish that someday I find a love like Clare and Henry.
I hope you have a lovely, lazy bank holiday Monday,
Thanks for reading and much love to you,
Until tomorrow xxx
I hope you are enjoying the this long and lazy weekend and that all you Brits had a good Jubilee weekend.
I seem to have lost the ability to type this morning, everytime I read back a sentence it is complete gibberish.
Anyway I'll press on.
I went to the shop and walked my dogs with my pyjamas under my clothes, a reflection of my state of mind today but it was early and I think I got away with it.
Even after my horrid experience with laxatives on Saturday I binged on them again yesterday. I am the very definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Why did I do this? I know better, I know they are a waste of time and just leave me feeling sick. bloated and regretful. The bloating remains today.
Also I made a very stupid mistake and miscalculated my methadone doses for the week. I forgot to take into account the bank holiday and add that to my indulging on Monday and I have left myself 2 days short. Not clever and not good. I fear I will go into withdrawel.
I must make it clear that I do not get high or get any sort of buzzy feeling off methadone, it simply keeps the withdrawels at bay and keeps me feeling 'normal'. Withdrawel from methadone is not pretty, some say it is even worse than heroin withdrawel. I've not experienced withdrawel in a long time but I have not forgotten how
painful it is. A time that springs to mind was one week that I visited my grandad with my mother. I had brought drugs with me but I was always greedy and used them all two days before we left. I spent the last night up all night in horrific pain. I could almost handle physical pain or mental torture on their own but both together and that is just to much to bear. Physical symptoms include alternate cold chills and hot sweats, painful stomach and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhoea not to mention insomnia many more delights. That night was endless and I felt like I was dying, like my body was turning inside out. You would think this would've turned me off drugs but it just made me crave them even more.
I must add that it probably won't get this bad as methadone stays in the system longer than heroin so I might just get away with a sleepless night and some discomfort (I just typed uncomfort). Here's hoping!
Tomorrow is the start of a new week and a fresh start. I plan to listen to my body and not deny myself.
I plan to walk my dogs twice a day now that the evenings are long and warm.
I want to want recovery more than anything, I promise I do. Maybe I should take heed from my ex-sponsor and fake it til I make it.
I wish I wanted more for myself
I wish I could overcome my anxieties and fears
I wish I could find the courage to go back to my support group
I wish I wanted recovery
I wish you did too
I wish I didn't value measure my worth by how much I weigh
I wish, I wish I wish...........
I watched The Time Travellers Wife last night, it made me cry. I wish that someday I find a love like Clare and Henry.
I hope you have a lovely, lazy bank holiday Monday,
Thanks for reading and much love to you,
Until tomorrow xxx
Sunday 3 June 2012
All in the best possible taste
Good afternoon lovely ladies,
I hope you are enjoying your Sunday
I spent part of yesterday looking for a dress for the upcoming wedding. As I wrote last post I'm not the biggest fan of shopping but I sucked it up and got in hunting mode.
I tend to fly through the shops at lightning speed only stopping if something catches my eye. I went to all the usual suspects and a dress did catch my eye in Monsoon. It was lemon yellow, which would be perfect for Italy and it was pleated, very pretty. I tried it on and it was nice but it just didn't give me that feeling of I never want to take this dress off and I want to feel like that.
In the end I finished up empty handed and somewhat disappointed but I still have 2 months to find something.
So we changed tack and went to look for shoes and a bag for my mother. She found them super quick so at least that was a success.
I wanted to treat my mother to lunch so we went a pub where they serve great food. I wasn't planning on eating but when I saw the menu I was completely overwhelmed. Carrot and orange soup with homemade soda bread, cajun chicken salad, steak sandwhich on ciabatta, homemade apple crumble, banoffe pie, freash apple sponge.
The waiters whizzed past me with plates of delicious food and in the end I had the soup which was so filling.
My mother had the banoffee pie which was the size of a house brick.
I purged in the restroom which I hate doing but I was fit to burst. It's so messy in restaurant bathrooms and when I came out of the stall there were two people waiting. I didn't care if they heard.
I left my mother then and I took a notion and decided to buy laxatives. A good clean out was in order.
They didn't have my usual brand so I bought the next best thing, a 300ml bottle.
It said to take 15ml so I took 150ml. I don't know why but I always take more than the recommended dose of any medication.
I drove home listening to Lana del Rey, singing at the top of my lungs, I'm a shocking singer.
I waited for the laxatives to work their magic and a few hours later my stomach started to churn and turn and then proceeded to bloat so I looked 9 months pregnant. My stomach felt like a cement mixer, very uncomfortable so I couldn't eat anything. Despite all this discomfort the scale did not move.
Note to self, laxatives are a waste of money.
I decided to include 2 photos in this post. They were taken last summer in Spain. I will take them down tomorrow, just in case. I weigh a bit more now and I'll post more recent ones soon.
Have a lovely Sunday and Happy Jubilee weekend to all you Brits,
Much love to you xxx
These were taken last summer in Spain
Saturday 2 June 2012
The plot thickens
Good morning lovelies,
I hope this post find you well today,
Thank you so much for your kind comments yesterday and your advice about my dress, I really do appreciate every comment and reader
I'm heading in to town today to look for a dress and I'll definitely keep your ideas in mind
I'm probably on my own here but I don't like shopping all that much, well I don't mind it but it's the trying on of clothes I don't like. A lot of the time I buy clothes on line so I can try them on at home. But I think it makes more sense to go to the shops for this dress because I do want to get it right. Wish me luck!
The dreaded night binging is driving me batshit crazy. I was up every 2 hours last night and it's just not right. Obviously it's disturbing my sleep and I'm wrecked during the day.
I'm blaming the fasting. I'm not eating enough during the day so I'm waking up in the night absolutely ravenous and then proceed to raid the cupboards and then purge.
I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom.
So I'm abandoning my fast, it just doesn't work anymore. I have no other plan, just to eat enough so that I don't binge. I guess that's what most people do.
The heat was stifling as I was walking my dogs this morning. It reminded me of a summer I spent in London when I was 23. Before the summer I was living with my mother in a renter house as her and my father had separated a couple of years previously. By this stage I was a few years into my drug addiction. Things were chaotic to say the least. My mother was doing everything she could think of to get me to stop but to no avail.I wanted to stop but I didn't know how and the sickness and mental torture I felt when I didn't have drugs was too much to bear. My aunt in London came to my mother with an idea, she had heard of an outpatient service in the city that dealt with drug addicts. They detoxed the addict with a medicine called subutex and then implanted them with a device so that if the addict used they would get no affect off the drug. I know it sounds a little crazy but we were desperate. I agreed to going mostly because I just couldn't carry on the way I was and I needed a break.
So off we went to London and the next morning I had my first appointment. I remember the Dr's name was Dr Kindness. He prescribed me the subutex and also prescribed me valium and another med I can't remember the name of. This surprised me because valium is highly addictive but I went along with it.
The detox was relatively straightforward, I guess because I had valium and sleepers and I also drank heavily.
Then came time for the implant. They implanted the devise into my hip and it released a drug called naltraxone into my system over a 6 month period meaning if I used heroin in the next 6 months it would have no effect. Soon after I heard that a place in treatment had come up for me at home so I travelled back and went as soon as I could. I will save the treatment story for another day. But did the implant work?
Well it kept me in treatment for 6 months but after almost 6 months to the day I used again, the drugs had no effect and in fact the implant worked for almost a year, that didn't stop me trying though.
I have since found out that Dr Kindness and his team of implanters were closed down because they were prescribing too liberally. Go figure.
So yea the heat this morning reminded me of that summer in London, I spent most of it in a drugged up stupor but strangely I have fond memories of that summer, weird I know.
On that note I will leave you with my alltime favourite joke,
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lightbulb has to want to change itself
Thank you very much, I'm here all night. lol!
Anyway time to go dress shopping, I hope you enjoyed this installment of a day in the life of a messed up girl.
Enjoy your Saturday,
Much love to you xxx
I hope this post find you well today,
Thank you so much for your kind comments yesterday and your advice about my dress, I really do appreciate every comment and reader
I'm heading in to town today to look for a dress and I'll definitely keep your ideas in mind
I'm probably on my own here but I don't like shopping all that much, well I don't mind it but it's the trying on of clothes I don't like. A lot of the time I buy clothes on line so I can try them on at home. But I think it makes more sense to go to the shops for this dress because I do want to get it right. Wish me luck!
The dreaded night binging is driving me batshit crazy. I was up every 2 hours last night and it's just not right. Obviously it's disturbing my sleep and I'm wrecked during the day.
I'm blaming the fasting. I'm not eating enough during the day so I'm waking up in the night absolutely ravenous and then proceed to raid the cupboards and then purge.
I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom.
So I'm abandoning my fast, it just doesn't work anymore. I have no other plan, just to eat enough so that I don't binge. I guess that's what most people do.
The heat was stifling as I was walking my dogs this morning. It reminded me of a summer I spent in London when I was 23. Before the summer I was living with my mother in a renter house as her and my father had separated a couple of years previously. By this stage I was a few years into my drug addiction. Things were chaotic to say the least. My mother was doing everything she could think of to get me to stop but to no avail.I wanted to stop but I didn't know how and the sickness and mental torture I felt when I didn't have drugs was too much to bear. My aunt in London came to my mother with an idea, she had heard of an outpatient service in the city that dealt with drug addicts. They detoxed the addict with a medicine called subutex and then implanted them with a device so that if the addict used they would get no affect off the drug. I know it sounds a little crazy but we were desperate. I agreed to going mostly because I just couldn't carry on the way I was and I needed a break.
So off we went to London and the next morning I had my first appointment. I remember the Dr's name was Dr Kindness. He prescribed me the subutex and also prescribed me valium and another med I can't remember the name of. This surprised me because valium is highly addictive but I went along with it.
The detox was relatively straightforward, I guess because I had valium and sleepers and I also drank heavily.
Then came time for the implant. They implanted the devise into my hip and it released a drug called naltraxone into my system over a 6 month period meaning if I used heroin in the next 6 months it would have no effect. Soon after I heard that a place in treatment had come up for me at home so I travelled back and went as soon as I could. I will save the treatment story for another day. But did the implant work?
Well it kept me in treatment for 6 months but after almost 6 months to the day I used again, the drugs had no effect and in fact the implant worked for almost a year, that didn't stop me trying though.
I have since found out that Dr Kindness and his team of implanters were closed down because they were prescribing too liberally. Go figure.
So yea the heat this morning reminded me of that summer in London, I spent most of it in a drugged up stupor but strangely I have fond memories of that summer, weird I know.
On that note I will leave you with my alltime favourite joke,
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lightbulb has to want to change itself
Thank you very much, I'm here all night. lol!
Anyway time to go dress shopping, I hope you enjoyed this installment of a day in the life of a messed up girl.
Enjoy your Saturday,
Much love to you xxx
Friday 1 June 2012
Happily ever after?
Hello my lovelies,
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
I can't believe it's June already, my cousins wedding abroad is less than two months away and I still have no dress, no shoes, nothing.
I'm not great at putting clothes together so I need your help. I'm 5'4, small frame, my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the wedding. The wedding is in Italy so it will be hot, do you have any suggestions of what I should wear. Any ideas greatly appreciated.
What I really wanted to write about today is relationships or boyfriends. I gather from reading your blogs that a lot of you are in relationships and some are married. I myself am single and have been for a long time. I had my first serious boyfriend at age 17 and we were together for about 6 years. We both became addicted to drugs though so it was not like a normal relationship. We were more like partners in crime, we didn't go on dates or meet each others family. We used drugs and that was about it. I had a couple of flings after that but because I had stopped drinking by this point it was harder to meet people.
My next boyfriend I met in drug treatment (I know very classy) Nothing happened while we were in treatment but me hooked up when we had both left. It was amazing how many people actually got together while actually in treatment. People were secretly meeting up in the middle of the night to get it on. I think because we were all living together in close quarters and all those hormones flying about the place contributed to this.
So I met this guy who I will call John. There was a spark between us and we both could feel it. Because I couldn't go near him (no physical contact allowed) it made me want him all the more. Nothing happened between us and I left treatment first. He then left and we met up the first chance we got. He lived on the east coast and I lived in the west coast so I booked a b&b and planned to stay the night. It was pretty awkward at first and our first kiss was sweet but clumsy. We were both so awkward that we decided to go for a drink (bad idea for two addicts) so be basically relapsed that night.
I continued to see him, going to his place one weekend and mine the next and neither of us were going to meetings. Eventually the inevitable happened and we ended up using one night. That was it then, we were both back on drugs.
Things went from bad to worse and there was one terrifying night when John overdosed in my house ans I had to call an ambulance. We both knew things couldn't continue like this so in the end the relationship fizzled out.
So I guess I've never really been in a relationship clean and sober. My eating disorder also contributes to me being single for so long. There is a guy who comes to do some jobs around my house and he expressed interest in me and we even went on a few dates. He tried to kiss me once but I just don't have any feelings for him. He is kind, sweet and an all around good guy but the feelings just aren't there. But even he has found someone else now and is engaged to be married.
I guess what I'm trying to sat is I envy those who are in loving relationships. I am at the age where people normally settle down, get married and have kids but when have I ever been normal?
I don't even know if I want to get married but maybe that would change if I met the right person. Not to sound too cheesy but I suppose I have to get to know and love myself before I can love someone else. Who knows, maybe I'll meet someone at the wedding.
Oh, remember I posted a couple of days ago that I was tempted to steal a pair of sunglasses from the chemist, well I had to go there again today and I' ashamed to tell you that I took them.
I'm beyond disgusted with myself.
I wasn't even going to admit to it but I have to be honest about my dishonesty. Wow, that's a complete contradiction but you see what I mean.
And the stupid thing is I don't even need sunglasses, I have plenty of sunglasses. I could have bought them, they were 45euros.
I swear I need my head examined, this is getting out of hand. It used to be just food but now it's other items like jewellry or makeup, all things I don't want or need.
I feel like I have let you and myself down and I really think I need to tell Mary about this before I get caught.
The embarrassment and the shame don't bear thinking about.
Thanks for reading this, any advice greatly appreciated,
Much love to you xxx
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
I can't believe it's June already, my cousins wedding abroad is less than two months away and I still have no dress, no shoes, nothing.
I'm not great at putting clothes together so I need your help. I'm 5'4, small frame, my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the wedding. The wedding is in Italy so it will be hot, do you have any suggestions of what I should wear. Any ideas greatly appreciated.
What I really wanted to write about today is relationships or boyfriends. I gather from reading your blogs that a lot of you are in relationships and some are married. I myself am single and have been for a long time. I had my first serious boyfriend at age 17 and we were together for about 6 years. We both became addicted to drugs though so it was not like a normal relationship. We were more like partners in crime, we didn't go on dates or meet each others family. We used drugs and that was about it. I had a couple of flings after that but because I had stopped drinking by this point it was harder to meet people.
My next boyfriend I met in drug treatment (I know very classy) Nothing happened while we were in treatment but me hooked up when we had both left. It was amazing how many people actually got together while actually in treatment. People were secretly meeting up in the middle of the night to get it on. I think because we were all living together in close quarters and all those hormones flying about the place contributed to this.
So I met this guy who I will call John. There was a spark between us and we both could feel it. Because I couldn't go near him (no physical contact allowed) it made me want him all the more. Nothing happened between us and I left treatment first. He then left and we met up the first chance we got. He lived on the east coast and I lived in the west coast so I booked a b&b and planned to stay the night. It was pretty awkward at first and our first kiss was sweet but clumsy. We were both so awkward that we decided to go for a drink (bad idea for two addicts) so be basically relapsed that night.
I continued to see him, going to his place one weekend and mine the next and neither of us were going to meetings. Eventually the inevitable happened and we ended up using one night. That was it then, we were both back on drugs.
Things went from bad to worse and there was one terrifying night when John overdosed in my house ans I had to call an ambulance. We both knew things couldn't continue like this so in the end the relationship fizzled out.
So I guess I've never really been in a relationship clean and sober. My eating disorder also contributes to me being single for so long. There is a guy who comes to do some jobs around my house and he expressed interest in me and we even went on a few dates. He tried to kiss me once but I just don't have any feelings for him. He is kind, sweet and an all around good guy but the feelings just aren't there. But even he has found someone else now and is engaged to be married.
I guess what I'm trying to sat is I envy those who are in loving relationships. I am at the age where people normally settle down, get married and have kids but when have I ever been normal?
I don't even know if I want to get married but maybe that would change if I met the right person. Not to sound too cheesy but I suppose I have to get to know and love myself before I can love someone else. Who knows, maybe I'll meet someone at the wedding.
Oh, remember I posted a couple of days ago that I was tempted to steal a pair of sunglasses from the chemist, well I had to go there again today and I' ashamed to tell you that I took them.
I'm beyond disgusted with myself.
I wasn't even going to admit to it but I have to be honest about my dishonesty. Wow, that's a complete contradiction but you see what I mean.
And the stupid thing is I don't even need sunglasses, I have plenty of sunglasses. I could have bought them, they were 45euros.
I swear I need my head examined, this is getting out of hand. It used to be just food but now it's other items like jewellry or makeup, all things I don't want or need.
I feel like I have let you and myself down and I really think I need to tell Mary about this before I get caught.
The embarrassment and the shame don't bear thinking about.
Thanks for reading this, any advice greatly appreciated,
Much love to you xxx
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